Does my BPD love me/want me? How can I know for sure?

[nightmoves]

So - I am not quite in the "Should I say - OR should I go" category as of yet... .

I am in the ... .does she really want me here - love me category.

I say that because the last few months have been (and few years) really enough to make me not even feel I can discern anymore her real feelings for me.


The Rages, language, rapid blk/wht back and forth, hate, lack of affection, lack of sex, kindness etc... .have been too much to bear at times.

But to hear her talk... .she will say she loves me, committed to this marriage, wants me as her husband.

I feel that I am in crazy town... .in a big way.

Here is the thing... .

She seems to have a plethora of issues to deal with.

Strongly BPD... .as well as in Peri-menopause, hormonal and endocrine imbalances.

Some time ago - she stopped being intimate. She has always said that it was not a high priority to her, and that sex has always "stressed her out".

She just took it off the table.

It has come back on the table... .but now it is sliding to the side again.

Affection is barely there. (she claims that she worries it will "increase" or lead up to sex)

Let me be clear. I very much love my wife. I really want this marriage to work. I really want to keep our family together so much.  I feel I am a good man, husband, and father.

But I am worn out and at a minimum - desperately need to unlock the riddle.

IF - the reason for the lack of intimacy and caring and affection is due to the various issues above... .I will be strong and supportive (which I am anyway) and be happy that we are together. (which I tell her I am)

BUT... .I keep having this gnawing pain that now even wakes me at night. What if she does not want me anymore. What if it is really that she is not attracted to me anymore? What if she does not love me anymore?

As much as it is devastating to think of... .I feel I would have to go. I hate even the thought of that... .but living this way and the fact that I love her, want her, desire her, makes it far to difficult to bear - and the issue impossible to ignore - if this is about he not feeling the same for me.

So - all you wonderful ladies out there... .please give this husband some advice... .;-)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

I have struggled with this question for years. On one hand he says he loves me all the time. Heck, he even does nice things for me. However, there is a certain lack of connection. The actions do not align with the words. I so badly want him to want me. And not in a sick or twisted way but more of a healthy, we are life partners kind of way. I want the healthy relationship.

I have asked myself so many times if I am not attractive enough for him. I have asked myself so many times what I am doing wrong. If he still finds me attractive and says I am doing all of the "right" things, then why the heck aren't things better? Why can't he follow through? Why can't he show a little bit of affection without things being weird?

I don't have any answers and I don't think this is about you as the husband. I think it is more about BPD and how they experience love. I have actually been searching the forums and going through the lessons trying to find the answer to the question of Does he really love me and Is he capable of loving me?

I found this thread titled Did She Ever Love Me?:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68978.0

That is just one of the threads that came up when I used the search terms "capable of love". I have been reading through some of them. While there aren't a lot of clear cut answers it makes me feel less alone and less crazy.