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Author Topic: Have you ever been tempted by another person?  (Read 730 times)
Samuel S.
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« on: August 31, 2014, 11:39:23 AM »

Dealing with a BPD is challenging, hard at best. We can follow all the lessons on this website to the max, and our BPD can decide that having happiness is too much for them, thus to create more chaos.

Yesterday, I had an awesome time of going out of town by myself to the ocean, seeing some very nice views, and meeting up with some very dear friends. One of my friends essentially came on to me, even though she knows I am married. It was her birthday. I infrequently go to the ocean area, but she invited me to meet up with her alone in a couple of weeks.

Since I am a guy who is married with a BPD who is abusive at times and who prefers mostly to be by herself, it was only natural for me to feel more relaxed with this other woman, but the most I did was to hug. I didn't even kiss her or anything else. So, the temptation is definitely to make it more than a friendship, but I know where that can lead. But again, the temptation is very strong which I resist.

So, my question is if you have been tempted by another person whom you truly seem to be connected with and with whom you feel more relaxed.
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Stjarna
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« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2014, 01:01:59 PM »

Yes, oh yes.  There were times when an understanding or kind word from a male coworker caused me to melt into a pile of tears.  I was so very starved for genuine affection and sincere kindness.   My exBPDh was great with flowery words and was generous with things like gifts, but it always felt so superficial and contrived.  Most of our life together I was just trying to endure the rages and find ways to appease his anger. 
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freedom33
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« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2014, 05:50:35 PM »

I have and I will admit that I have gone further than a hug. And to be frank with you I didn't feel guilty. It was almost as if my heart and mind and whole self longed for a relief, to step back into a world of normality even if it was just for a couple of days. I am not advocating anything here. Just sharing my xp.
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Trish50

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« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2014, 05:57:07 PM »

Yes, absolutely I have connected with another person while hanging out with friends.  It feels so comfortable to have fun laughing with someone that you don't expect them to "turn on a dime" or go into the "red zone" and go into a rage.  I was the same and didn't go more than a hug. Thank you for being honest and open.  I have never shared this with anyone.
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Rise
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« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2014, 06:38:24 PM »

At the end of my relationship, I had started to avoid my ex by going out to a bar after work. I'm not proud of it, but I did get the numbers of a few women there. I never called anyone, or did anything other than flirt with them, and threw out the numbers before I ever got home. Was it right of me? No. But I was so desperate for affection, to feel like I was wanted by someone, that I let the temptation take over.

It's completely understandable to feel that way. We as human being desire those things: attention, affection, kindness, caring. And very often we can't get those things from our SO's. I'm not saying it justifies an affair. Nothing really justifies that. We are ultimately in control of our own actions, and it's not fair to betray anyone like that, even if the person being cheated on doesn't treat us in the manner we want or need. I always felt that if a relationship is so bad that you're going to cheat, you shouldn't be in the relationship in the first place. But it's completely understandable having those temptations.
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JohnLove
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« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2014, 06:53:11 PM »

Hi Samuel S.

I liked your question very much. Now I have a question for you. This person is a "friend". On birthdays emotions run high. Have you known her for a long time?. Would you divorce your wife for the chance to be with her?... .to possibly be your future partner?... .or even your wife?.

Do you think a friendly meet up as friends (even alone) is betraying your wife?. Are you allowed to have friends?... .female friends?.

How would you expect your wife might feel about a friendly meet up with a female friend just as friends doing the friendly thing?.

Are things so bad with your BPDw that this experience has opened your eyes to the "real" world and real people... .you seem to have interpreted your friend as potentially coming on to you.

Do you "want" to feel desired... .or did she actually come onto you?... .AND when she knows you ARE married?.

She doesn't have BPD does she?... .YIKES!.

(sorry that was a whole lotta questions wasn't it?)

Doh!... .another question, but really these are the questions you need to ask yourself and take heed of your answers.

Cheers.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2014, 08:24:29 PM »

It is so great that we can be so honest and so open about this when our BPD obviously is unable to fulfill many needs of ours.

Johnlove, your questions deserve answers, and here they are. I have known this friend for about 3 years, but very sporadically and only when others have been present.

No, I would not divorce my BPDw in order to be with this friend, to be a partner or to be my wife.

My BPDw does not like me having female friends and had even been very jealous of my younger daughter from my first marriage. My first wife passed away from cancer.

My BPDw would not look too kindly on the fact that I would meet up with another woman by myself, but I can assure you that is not going to happen. I have standards. I am married.

Yes, this friend definitely came on to me by being very demonstrative by hugging me and by making comments such as "I wish you had a twin. I wish you were younger." Certainly, I was flattered by the attention.

Yes, this friend knows that I am married, and she knows that I have not been happy with my BPDw.

I don't know if this friend has BPD, but anything is possible.
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« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2014, 09:34:06 PM »

Samuel. This is a fantastic topic Smiling (click to insert in post)

I can't believe it is so relevant to my last two weeks. Out of the blue this girl I dated briefly 3 years ago contacted me. Said that she felt something was wrong and she had to contact me. This girl fell hard for me but I was interested in another, guess who? Yes, the woman that is now my BPD wife.

Anyway, a few convos ensued whereby she told me how hard I was to get over and really stroked my ego. I told her about how my life has gone for the past 3 years. I was honest about my marriage. It was nice hearing affirmations of how I don't deserve to be treated this way etc. Seriously this girl was really nice and she has moved on. I gave her no indication that i would be interested in resuming anything with her; in fact, I said that I loved my wife very much and if it didn't work out I would never marry again and would want to be alone for a very long time. She offered her support as a friend. And I believe her. It did make me feel kinda guilty to even be talking to someone I once fancied. But if was VERY NICE hearing how wonderful she thought I was. Like I said an ego stroke.

As nice as it was and God knows I think we all have been starved and need this affirmation, we are in vulnerable states and it may confuse us. Best not to go into something that could catch us off guard in a week moment. Talking on the phone is ok. As long as it stays just that. And platonic. Maybe. Hopefully.
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workinprogress
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« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2014, 10:22:14 PM »

Samuel, let me tell you what happened to me.

My uBPD wife had a friend who made sexual advance on me for years.  I complained to my wife about it and she just blew it off.  I mean it was serious stuff.  Her friend would call the house (before caller ID) and invite me over when her husband was at work.  I always stayed faithful.  I was not the type to cheat.

Well, years rolled by.  I managed to fight off her advances and kept informing my wife about her friend.  My wife would get angry at me about it, so go figure.

After a rollicking start in our relationship and marriage in the sex department, I went through about 10 years of having very little intimacy or even human contact with my wife.  It was taking a toll on me.

Then, her friend re-entered our lives.  I sat my wife down and warned her again.  I told her again and again about her friend.  She didn't listen.

One night, at a party, I got very drunk and went to the bathroom, as I exited the bathroom her friend jumped up on me and started kissing me.  It had been years since I had been kissed.  I was stunned.  Her friend followed me around the rest of the night.

She started texting me and wanting me to hook up with her.  I was furious, but I couldn't forget the feeling of having human touch in my life.  I was torn.  When I got the first wave of texts suggesting a hook up, I nearly forwarded them to my wife.  But I didn't.  What difference would it have made?  I figured I had the strength to fight her off again.  After all, I had managed to keep my distance for 10 years of her advances.

So, one week, she texts me nearly everyday.  I told her no at least 100x's.  I could feel it becoming harder to fight her off though.  My body kept remembering how it felt to be kissed again.

I was growing weaker.

I recall coming home from work that Friday and there was her friend, sitting at the kitchen table in our house talking to my wife.   Crap!  She followed me around the rest of the night and gave me so much attention that my wife hadn't given me in years.

The texts kept coming, I kept getting weaker.

Until finally, I agreed to meet with her just to talk.

We ended up kissing.

Then it happened again and again.

I felt so overwhelmed.  I hated how I felt.  But, the fact that someone actually would hold my hand, and tell me that I looked good so touched me.

Her friend started telling me that she loved me and that she loved me since the day we met.

Finally, my wife discovered our little fling.  It was fairly innocent, primarily kissing, but the damage had been done.

I still kick myself for my act of weakness, and it was 4 years ago.

My wife has refused to allow me to touch her since.  Not that we touched that much before.

I have figured out that the other woman was BPD.  She love bombed me to the nth degree.  The whole thing reminded me of how my wife treated me while we dated.

This is what I learned from this... .

1.  Don't cheat, leave your relationship first.

2.  You will lose your integrity if you cheat.

3.  Women who make sexual advances on you are pretty much bad news.

4.  Beware of love bombing.

I hope this helps.
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2014, 10:59:05 PM »

Yes, Workinprogress, your post definitely does help a lot! Thank you!

I just hope and pray that your BPD will be more receptive to be a partner with you in all aspects of your life.

Nevertheless, I just wonder that if we nonBPDs hold back our temptations of someone else sensing our need to relate, how do we deal with our own human needs when our BPDs refuse to connect? Also, they too must have these same needs, but I suppose it is their anger or their fear being expressed in this way due to their pasts.

Again, if and when we remain faithful to BPDs who cannot relate in human and in intimate ways, how do we fulfill these essential parts of our humanness? 
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #10 on: August 31, 2014, 11:06:26 PM »

I will be honest with you folks. I am starving for a personal relationship, not only in terms of intimacy but being able to have joyous times without any negativity, going on dates, trips, etc.

I realize we all have a negative side, but we can balance that by being more realistic, knowing that there are many more good people who can relate kindly, respectfully, and yes even lovingly. Nevertheless, our BPDs seem to focus much more on being selfish, hurt, and negative.

I stick around here with the hope, perhaps the glimmer of hope, that my BPDw will find her happiness within herself in order to recognize that I can be a part of her happiness and that she can be a part of mine.
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« Reply #11 on: September 01, 2014, 12:11:19 AM »

Don't do it! :-)

In all seriousness, I felt really lonely one day and answered an ad online. I talked to the guy for a day or two before I was overcome with guilt. Prior to giving in to temptation, I had spent a lot of time trying to get my husband's attention. He wasn't helping around the house and I felt like a single parent.

After talking to the guy for a day or two, I decided to come clean and tell my husband. I was hoping that he would be upset or that he would shaken up a bit and realize that something needed to change. Nope, that isn't what happened at all. He used it as an opportunity to tell me to see other people. He said he thought he might be bisexual and wanted to experiment. I was in a state of shock and I really, really liked the attention that I was getting from my friend. I could actually share without being afraid of the repercussions. It turned into a mess where my husband would go back and forth between wanting us to have an open marriage and wanting us to be monogamous. Usually, his decision was based on whether or not he was able to find women to talk to at any given moment. If he couldn't find anybody to talk to, then he would tell me that I had to stop talking to my friends. I had a couple of friends that I was emailing. Most of it was innocent and we just talked about our spouses and tried to give each other ideas on how to cope. I never had more than one romantic interest. He stayed the same through out and we still keep in touch because he knows how flaky my husband can be.

I really wish that I had not opened that can of worms because it really made me see how lonely I am in my marriage. Yes, I had a physical relationship with somebody other than my husband. I am not proud of it but there for a while that was the only way to get my husband's interest. He seems to really like the whole cuckold thing. I felt like a real jerk because I would honor my husband's wishes and not talk to anybody. When I was not talking to anybody, he would largely ignore me. When I would start talking to my friend again, he would suddenly get interested in me again. I am so tired of the roller coaster ride. I just want somebody to want me for me and not see me as an object. One of the last times I saw my friend, I broke down crying. He held me to his chest until I got myself together. I don't think my husband has ever done that in the 17 years that we have been together.

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workinprogress
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« Reply #12 on: September 01, 2014, 05:12:43 AM »

Yes, Workinprogress, your post definitely does help a lot! Thank you!

I just hope and pray that your BPD will be more receptive to be a partner with you in all aspects of your life.

Nevertheless, I just wonder that if we nonBPDs hold back our temptations of someone else sensing our need to relate, how do we deal with our own human needs when our BPDs refuse to connect? Also, they too must have these same needs, but I suppose it is their anger or their fear being expressed in this way due to their pasts.

Again, if and when we remain faithful to BPDs who cannot relate in human and in intimate ways, how do we fulfill these essential parts of our humanness? 

The bottom line is, your BPD partner won't fulfill your intimate needs.

Your best bet is probably to leave the relationship.  I nearly left my marriage years ago, but I stayed.  I can see clearly now how it would have drastically improved all areas of my life if I had followed through and left.
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freedom33
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« Reply #13 on: September 01, 2014, 05:21:07 AM »

Again, if and when we remain faithful to BPDs who cannot relate in human and in intimate ways, how do we fulfill these essential parts of our humanness? 

To me that is not healthy either. Longing for an unrequited love and going through suffering to gain some sort of martyrdom. This could show a fear of real intimacy as well.
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workinprogress
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« Reply #14 on: September 01, 2014, 05:21:36 AM »

Don't do it! :-)

In all seriousness, I felt really lonely one day and answered an ad online. I talked to the guy for a day or two before I was overcome with guilt. Prior to giving in to temptation, I had spent a lot of time trying to get my husband's attention. He wasn't helping around the house and I felt like a single parent.

After talking to the guy for a day or two, I decided to come clean and tell my husband. I was hoping that he would be upset or that he would shaken up a bit and realize that something needed to change. Nope, that isn't what happened at all. He used it as an opportunity to tell me to see other people. He said he thought he might be bisexual and wanted to experiment. I was in a state of shock and I really, really liked the attention that I was getting from my friend. I could actually share without being afraid of the repercussions. It turned into a mess where my husband would go back and forth between wanting us to have an open marriage and wanting us to be monogamous. Usually, his decision was based on whether or not he was able to find women to talk to at any given moment. If he couldn't find anybody to talk to, then he would tell me that I had to stop talking to my friends. I had a couple of friends that I was emailing. Most of it was innocent and we just talked about our spouses and tried to give each other ideas on how to cope. I never had more than one romantic interest. He stayed the same through out and we still keep in touch because he knows how flaky my husband can be.

I really wish that I had not opened that can of worms because it really made me see how lonely I am in my marriage. Yes, I had a physical relationship with somebody other than my husband. I am not proud of it but there for a while that was the only way to get my husband's interest. He seems to really like the whole cuckold thing. I felt like a real jerk because I would honor my husband's wishes and not talk to anybody. When I was not talking to anybody, he would largely ignore me. When I would start talking to my friend again, he would suddenly get interested in me again. I am so tired of the roller coaster ride. I just want somebody to want me for me and not see me as an object. One of the last times I saw my friend, I broke down crying. He held me to his chest until I got myself together. I don't think my husband has ever done that in the 17 years that we have been together.

VOC, it is a real mess isn't it?  The thing I remember and miss most about my wife's friend is the fact that that she used to compliment me.  I remember we all attended some neighborhood concerts.  My wife's friend was there and she started sending me these texts saying "you're so hot, I want you so bad."

My wife never commented on my appearance unless something wasn't right, like if I had a booger hanging out of my nose she would tell me.  (Sorry, but it's the truth.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))

Also, her friend would just hold my hand or hold onto my bicep with her hands.  Just getting that little bit of human touch revived me as a human.  It ripped me to my core that I was in an illicit relationship, but I needed the human contact so badly.

Plus, these BPD's out there can sense our loneliness.  They prey on you when you are in a relationship, or they purposely starve you when you are in a relationship with them.

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freedom33
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« Reply #15 on: September 01, 2014, 05:28:25 AM »

Sounds like her friend wasn't a very solid alternative either. Better that you stayed out of it and managed to come out of it all. Good job!
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workinprogress
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« Reply #16 on: September 01, 2014, 05:32:31 AM »

Sounds like her friend wasn't a very solid alternative either. Better that you stayed out of it and managed to come out of it all. Good job!

Thank you for your kind words.  Personally, I feel that I failed miserably due to all that happened.

I realize now that I based a lot of my life in reaction to other people.  I have definitely become more proactive in my life.

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« Reply #17 on: September 01, 2014, 06:18:54 AM »

BPD or non, it doesn't matter. When in a relationship with someone you hold their emotional well being in your hands to an extent. We should not take that for granted. It comes down the old adage, ":)o unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Would you feel comfortable with your SO going out with a guy friend? Hugging him? Having an emotional connection? Keeping a secret from you?

I would bet not. Not even at the worst of times; especially not at the worst of times.

Do not underestimate the power of mutual trust between people. If you cannot trust yourself to uphold the values that you would have others uphold themselves to, then you can never trust others.

It's your responsibility to yourself to discuss these things with your SO. Do no harm.
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workinprogress
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« Reply #18 on: September 01, 2014, 08:42:25 AM »

BPD or non, it doesn't matter. When in a relationship with someone you hold their emotional well being in your hands to an extent. We should not take that for granted. It comes down the old adage, ":)o unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Would you feel comfortable with your SO going out with a guy friend? Hugging him? Having an emotional connection? Keeping a secret from you?

I would bet not. Not even at the worst of times; especially not at the worst of times.

Do not underestimate the power of mutual trust between people. If you cannot trust yourself to uphold the values that you would have others uphold themselves to, then you can never trust others.

It's your responsibility to yourself to discuss these things with your SO. Do no harm.

Very well said.  Despite all of my wife's behavior, I still had my integrity until I myself cheated.

Looking at the situation, sure, if I had been able to maintain myself and not do it, that woman would still be in my life tempting me.

So, I don't know if I would have eventually fallen anyway.

Don't cheat because of your SO, but more importantly, don't cheat because of what it will do to you and how you think about yourself.
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #19 on: September 01, 2014, 11:28:59 AM »

You are right. Our BPDs with all of their issues and we who wish to connect with them are in a constant struggle. Hence, we nonBPDs can become lured by others who actually act like human beings who can actually relate. Thus, for us to reach out to others who seem to be interested in us would be wrong, because two wrongs do not make a right.

That being said, deep inside our hearts and our souls, we crave the bonding that seemed to have been there some time ago, but now is virtually all gone. That is the crux of my distrust for my BPDw. It is like I have been conquered. Now, I am just another trophy she can put up on the wall, only to be disregarded. It is for that reason that the "gift" I have made for myself is to return to teaching on a part-time basis, write and publish books, and give workshops. It is because of this emptiness that I have personally that I have fully enveloped myself in these things and have been very helpful for others. My BPDw recognizes this, but she has not even read a single page of any of my books. Yeah, she is too busy and too focused on herself, while I always have the priority of my BPDw and her D17, only to be again a trophy, if you will.

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« Reply #20 on: September 02, 2014, 10:42:28 PM »

I had somewhat of an emotional affair with a single woman at work.  We got to the point of discussing our relationships with eachother and giving support and complimenting each other.  There was never anything physical or any discussion of anything physical.  It was great to have the support of a woman - to be able to have a normal conversation without being criticized or blamed.  I had a major crush on her.  Then I realized that it was wrong and that it wasn't fair to my BPD wife even though she's a nightmare.  I had to tell this other woman that we couldn't discuss our relationships anymore b/c it was not appropriate.  I did the right thing but it was very painful for a while.  So I made an effort to improve my marriage, then had a major blow out with my wBPD and then came to this site.  Things had gotten better because of what I've learned on this site until today when she had a BPD day.  I blew up at her and that's where we stand right now.

The bottom line is that I'm glad I ended the emotional affair b/c it was wrong and a betrayal to my wife.  I would have regretted it forever had it gone further.  As it is, I was able to end the inappropriate relationship without any long term damage.  Since then, I've been able to put all my efforts into my awful marriage.  Now I can also decide whether I want to stay without any prejudices such as another woman pulling me away.
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #21 on: September 03, 2014, 08:51:16 AM »

All of your responses to this very important question have been honest, heartfelt, and meaningful. Thank you so very much!

During my first marriage, after my first wife passed away from cancer, and now with my BPDw, I have been lured by other women to one degree or another. While they have all been tempting as all of you have basically said the same thing, I too have resisted, but it does not mean that you will not think or fantasize about the "what ifs", if you will. After all, we all have those moments in which we are just tolerating our BPDs and wish to escape, even if it is mentally, to a place and a time that is better and much more meaningful. While it is different, the storyline of "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" is a good example.

All of the above being said, when all of us nonBPDs choose to make our relationships with our BPDs better but still encounter resistance and yes even horrible treatment even with all of the lessons here thankfully, I still wonder how do all of you deal with your absolutely essential, human need to connect in meaningful ways? We are all entitled to that. I for one hope that my BPDw will come to the realization that I have been here all along, and that is why I have stayed so far, but I can assure you that if she were ever to lay her hands, fists, or legs to beat me physically, that would be the last straw, and I would be out of here in an instant, for sure. Yet, in so many ways, she has done so verbally and emotionally with me as well as with my relatives and friends.

Yeah, I know, I should have left, and it doesn't make too much sense to remain when we all have been abused and even neglected, but I am torn. There are 2 things I am engrained with. The 1st thing is the philosophy of "where there is life, there is hope". The 2nd thing is a children's story of where the elephant sits on top of a tree for a stork who has gone to Florida while the elephant remains and says he will never forget, that he is responsible, but only tolerates the weather conditions. I think this is a Dr. Seuss story, but I am not 100% sure. These 2 things have impacted me immensely.

But again, how do you fulfill your basic, natural needs without having to be lured into affairs of any kind? You can say friends. They are extremely important. You can say your job. That is extremely important. You can say giving to others. That is extremely important. I do all of that every day, but there is something missing in my personal life that would definitely make me feel personally happy, even though I give happiness and hope each day.
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« Reply #22 on: September 10, 2014, 10:50:13 AM »

Samuel, let me tell you what happened to me.

My uBPD wife had a friend who made sexual advance on me for years.  I complained to my wife about it and she just blew it off.  I mean it was serious stuff.  Her friend would call the house (before caller ID) and invite me over when her husband was at work.  I always stayed faithful.  I was not the type to cheat.

Well, years rolled by.  I managed to fight off her advances and kept informing my wife about her friend.  My wife would get angry at me about it, so go figure.

After a rollicking start in our relationship and marriage in the sex department, I went through about 10 years of having very little intimacy or even human contact with my wife.  It was taking a toll on me.

Then, her friend re-entered our lives.  I sat my wife down and warned her again.  I told her again and again about her friend.  She didn't listen.

One night, at a party, I got very drunk and went to the bathroom, as I exited the bathroom her friend jumped up on me and started kissing me.  It had been years since I had been kissed.  I was stunned.  Her friend followed me around the rest of the night.

She started texting me and wanting me to hook up with her.  I was furious, but I couldn't forget the feeling of having human touch in my life.  I was torn.  When I got the first wave of texts suggesting a hook up, I nearly forwarded them to my wife.  But I didn't.  What difference would it have made?  I figured I had the strength to fight her off again.  After all, I had managed to keep my distance for 10 years of her advances.

So, one week, she texts me nearly everyday.  I told her no at least 100x's.  I could feel it becoming harder to fight her off though.  My body kept remembering how it felt to be kissed again.

I was growing weaker.

I recall coming home from work that Friday and there was her friend, sitting at the kitchen table in our house talking to my wife.   Crap!  She followed me around the rest of the night and gave me so much attention that my wife hadn't given me in years.

The texts kept coming, I kept getting weaker.

Until finally, I agreed to meet with her just to talk.

We ended up kissing.

Then it happened again and again.

I felt so overwhelmed.  I hated how I felt.  But, the fact that someone actually would hold my hand, and tell me that I looked good so touched me.

Her friend started telling me that she loved me and that she loved me since the day we met.

Finally, my wife discovered our little fling.  It was fairly innocent, primarily kissing, but the damage had been done.

I still kick myself for my act of weakness, and it was 4 years ago.

My wife has refused to allow me to touch her since.  Not that we touched that much before.

I have figured out that the other woman was BPD.  She love bombed me to the nth degree.  The whole thing reminded me of how my wife treated me while we dated.

This is what I learned from this... .

1.  Don't cheat, leave your relationship first.

2.  You will lose your integrity if you cheat.

3.  Women who make sexual advances on you are pretty much bad news.

4.  Beware of love bombing.

I hope this helps.

Given what you've said, why are you staying?

I'm just confused why you have been living in an emotionless and sexless prison for 14 years for someone that clearly wants to keep you there... .

Especially when others are lining up at the door, picking the lock, and opening the door for you.

I'm not advocating cheating. I'm trying to understand what exactly your wife brings to the picture here.
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workinprogress
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« Reply #23 on: September 10, 2014, 11:35:34 AM »

CantMakeSense, I am staying for my youngest son, who is getting older now.  He and I are very close.  I do not want my relationship with him impacted in any way.

I have learned that by straying, I compromised my own values.  I won't do that again.

I am going to try and live life as best I can while in this marriage.

I still have some hope that things will improve.  I am learning all I can about BPD and Codependency.

I am learning about myself.

I am exercising, trying to develop my spiritual side, and hopefully discover who I am.

It definitely feels like a prison.  But, right now it is a prison of my own choosing.
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CantMakeSenseOfIt

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« Reply #24 on: September 10, 2014, 11:42:11 AM »

CantMakeSense, I am staying for my youngest son, who is getting older now.  He and I are very close.  I do not want my relationship with him impacted in any way.

I have learned that by straying, I compromised my own values.  I won't do that again.

I am going to try and live life as best I can while in this marriage.

I still have some hope that things will improve.  I am learning all I can about BPD and Codependency.

I am learning about myself.

I am exercising, trying to develop my spiritual side, and hopefully discover who I am.

It definitely feels like a prison.  But, right now it is a prison of my own choosing.

I completely understand.

When we fight, it's the kids that keeps me here.

But I'm also realizing that my kids would be just fine with 2 separate (but happier?) parents, and martyrdom isn't working for me.

And just enables her to ramp up the emotional abuse.
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workinprogress
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« Reply #25 on: September 10, 2014, 11:50:35 AM »

CantMakeSense, I am staying for my youngest son, who is getting older now.  He and I are very close.  I do not want my relationship with him impacted in any way.

I have learned that by straying, I compromised my own values.  I won't do that again.

I am going to try and live life as best I can while in this marriage.

I still have some hope that things will improve.  I am learning all I can about BPD and Codependency.

I am learning about myself.

I am exercising, trying to develop my spiritual side, and hopefully discover who I am.

It definitely feels like a prison.  But, right now it is a prison of my own choosing.

I completely understand.

When we fight, it's the kids that keeps me here.

But I'm also realizing that my kids would be just fine with 2 separate (but happier?) parents, and martyrdom isn't working for me.

And just enables her to ramp up the emotional abuse.

I understand where you are coming from.

My wife and I rarely fight.  I say what I have to say and I let things go.

I have wondered about if I left and became happier.  I also realize that if I left I may lose a lot of quality interaction with my kids, which would make me unhappy in itself.
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #26 on: September 12, 2014, 09:56:21 PM »

My BPDw suggested that I get a flu shot today. So, I did. Then, a friend of hers called her at work jokingly saying that I was accompanied by a blonde woman, and I was completely by myself. The two of them had a good laugh about it. Well, she just came home to tell me what happened. Then, she said to me that she told him that she doesn't care if I do have a blonde woman on the side, seeing that she is too busy, anyway. She again laughed. Usually, I would laugh, but considering that she is a BPD and seeing that she is busy not having any really quality time with me, I found this statement by her insulting. I am dedicated. I have always been. I have been lured by other women, but I have not let anything happened.

Bottom line, am I being too serious about this joke or not? I would appreciate your feedback. Thank you!
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workinprogress
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« Reply #27 on: September 12, 2014, 10:28:54 PM »

My BPDw suggested that I get a flu shot today. So, I did. Then, a friend of hers called her at work jokingly saying that I was accompanied by a blonde woman, and I was completely by myself. The two of them had a good laugh about it. Well, she just came home to tell me what happened. Then, she said to me that she told him that she doesn't care if I do have a blonde woman on the side, seeing that she is too busy, anyway. She again laughed. Usually, I would laugh, but considering that she is a BPD and seeing that she is busy not having any really quality time with me, I found this statement by her insulting. I am dedicated. I have always been. I have been lured by other women, but I have not let anything happened.

Bottom line, am I being too serious about this joke or not? I would appreciate your feedback. Thank you!

The joke appears to be a little devaluing at your expense.  The bottom line is, it isn't funny.  It's insulting and disrespectful. 

Now, that being said, you have to value yourself.  Don't allow yourself to devalue yourself by being unfaithful.

If you are unfaithful, she will use it against you for the rest of your days.  It will give her the upper hand.  She will play the victim and spread the story about how you cheated on her to everyone you know.

Tread carefully.
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #28 on: September 12, 2014, 10:52:35 PM »

Workinprogress, I appreciate your feedback and confirming my feelings about that situation. My BPDw is so focused on her studies practically every minute that she has available, that I am just like a fly on the wall practically.

I am not going to devalue myself by getting involved with another woman. Two wrongs don't make a right. I have been faithful, loving, and respectful.

Thank you again!
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Samuel S.
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« Reply #29 on: September 13, 2014, 12:07:12 AM »

Like so many other things that a BPD will say due to their issues, my BPDw has just chalked up another way to offend, to hurt, to keep her guard up, and to be abusive. It just saddens and angers me that she would resort to stoop so low - again! If I would do something wrong, I would deserve a negative comment. In my life with her, she has only wanted to be negative while I have been authentically loving and realistic and positive.

Frankly, I wish she would stop this negativity stuff. It wears me down around here. The only way not to let it bother me too much is to be out with sane people. It usually takes a good half to full day to restore my positive energy. Also, teaching part-time, tutoring, writing books, and giving workshops are my resources of inspiration. If she could be inspirational and still have a relationship with me, then, there would be an opportunity for resuming the relationship with me.
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