Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 10:05:29 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I think I'm turning into a jerk  (Read 580 times)
workinprogress
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 548


« on: August 31, 2014, 12:48:40 PM »

I'm staying in my marriage trying to make things work.  I have stopped walking on eggshells and trying to please everyone else in my life.  I try to monitor what I say less and I speak my mind more freely.

I am starting to notice that my personal relationships are starting to be strained a little.  I am still well liked and respected at work, but I feel some chinks appearing in the armor.

I don't drink often, but when I do I seem to overindulge.  whereas I used to be a happy fun drunk, I am now much more serious.  I don't get mean or anything, I'm just more intense.

Also, I feel a little less confident than I once was.

Has anyone gone through this?
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

maxsterling
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2014, 05:59:24 PM »

I can definitely say I get agitated easier than I used to, I smile less, and am much less chipper.
Logged

workinprogress
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 548


« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2014, 10:00:41 PM »

I can definitely say I get agitated easier than I used to, I smile less, and am much less chipper.

One of my friends at work made the same observation about me.

Instead of wearing golden lenses, I am looking at life much more practically. 

Also, I think since I am bearing my soul more, it puts me out there a bit.  You know, it's like taking emotional risks when before I just buried my emotions.  I think it has made me a little more insecure, because it is new to me.
Logged
IsItHerOrIsItMe
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 286



« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2014, 08:16:12 AM »

It might have something to do with reducing the co-dependent part of our personalities... .Instead of being the one to solve everyone's problems (armor chink-free) you voice a little of your own concerns.
Logged
thereishope
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married, together 4 years
Posts: 363



« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2014, 08:22:57 AM »

I definitely can relate... .so far I've stayed with uBPDh to try to "make things work", but I have to be honest with myself and admit that the mistreatment I have had to shoulder has made me quite "touchy", defensive, and angry.  I notice it in my dealings with everyone... .It's NOT GOOD.  I really don't like it.  My heart of hearts wants to encourage, love and uplift others... .Not be like this hurt animal in a cage... .

Lately I've been thinking that a dog being poked with a stick over and over and over and over and over again might get a little "snippy", if you know what I mean... .

What to do about it is another story altogether... .Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
IsItHerOrIsItMe
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 286



« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2014, 07:45:17 AM »

What to do about it is another story altogether... .Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Ditto... .
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2014, 07:07:06 AM »

I went through this stage. Once I had developed my own boundaries, within myself as much as anyone, this morose bitter side of me started to evaporate to a degree and I started owning my life as being my choices, good or bad. The world was no longer conspiring against me
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
workinprogress
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 548


« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2014, 11:18:58 AM »

I definitely could use some suggestions.

I'm having such a bad day.  I got a flat tire out in the middle of nowhere.  I'm tired.  I'm depressed.

I want to reach out to my wife for some support, but I know it won't happen.

I'm so tired of it. :'(

Logged
thereishope
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married, together 4 years
Posts: 363



« Reply #8 on: September 08, 2014, 11:29:34 AM »

I definitely could use some suggestions.

I'm having such a bad day.  I got a flat tire out in the middle of nowhere.  I'm tired.  I'm depressed.

I want to reach out to my wife for some support, but I know it won't happen.

I'm so tired of it. :'(

I'm sorry... .I understand these feelings, except I'm still in the vortex, wanting out... .  I'm so sorry.  All I can do is offer to you the other side... .where I'm making plans and wishing I could just say, "beam me up, Scotty" and be gone with never having to look at this situation again... .every second hurts too much... .  I love him, but he is soo distant... .even when he's here... .people have phrased it well... .this has just become an empty theater production of a life ... .but the fantasy has such a hold on us... .we WANT to believe... . 

I guess I would say keep looking up and keep looking forward.  Do something, even something small immediately that you enjoy or that you know will change your outlook... .I find I need to do something else to change my thinking at times... .But it will work.  Someone suggested to me to try and "be mindful".  Remember the things that helped you make the wise decision to be free of the drama/anger/devaluing/chaos... .The light WILL get brighter.  Things WILL get better.  I, for one, envy that you are "on the other side" - free of at least the physical entrapment.  Enjoy and embrace your freedom for those of us longing for it!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Grace and peace!
Logged
workinprogress
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 548


« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2014, 04:18:08 PM »

I definitely could use some suggestions.

I'm having such a bad day.  I got a flat tire out in the middle of nowhere.  I'm tired.  I'm depressed.

I want to reach out to my wife for some support, but I know it won't happen.

I'm so tired of it. :'(

I'm sorry... .I understand these feelings, except I'm still in the vortex, wanting out... .  I'm so sorry.  All I can do is offer to you the other side... .where I'm making plans and wishing I could just say, "beam me up, Scotty" and be gone with never having to look at this situation again... .every second hurts too much... .  I love him, but he is soo distant... .even when he's here... .people have phrased it well... .this has just become an empty theater production of a life ... .but the fantasy has such a hold on us... .we WANT to believe... . 

I guess I would say keep looking up and keep looking forward.  Do something, even something small immediately that you enjoy or that you know will change your outlook... .I find I need to do something else to change my thinking at times... .But it will work.  Someone suggested to me to try and "be mindful".  Remember the things that helped you make the wise decision to be free of the drama/anger/devaluing/chaos... .The light WILL get brighter.  Things WILL get better.  I, for one, envy that you are "on the other side" - free of at least the physical entrapment.  Enjoy and embrace your freedom for those of us longing for it!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Grace and peace!

Thank you, there is hope.

I know how it is when your partner is distant.  Mine has been distant for years, then suddenly, she will be friendly again.

I will follow your advice and look up and look forward!
Logged
thereishope
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married, together 4 years
Posts: 363



« Reply #10 on: September 08, 2014, 06:44:13 PM »

 
I definitely could use some suggestions.

I'm having such a bad day.  I got a flat tire out in the middle of nowhere.  I'm tired.  I'm depressed.

I want to reach out to my wife for some support, but I know it won't happen.

I'm so tired of it. :'(

I'm sorry... .I understand these feelings, except I'm still in the vortex, wanting out... .  I'm so sorry.  All I can do is offer to you the other side... .where I'm making plans and wishing I could just say, "beam me up, Scotty" and be gone with never having to look at this situation again... .every second hurts too much... .  I love him, but he is soo distant... .even when he's here... .people have phrased it well... .this has just become an empty theater production of a life ... .but the fantasy has such a hold on us... .we WANT to believe... . 

I guess I would say keep looking up and keep looking forward.  Do something, even something small immediately that you enjoy or that you know will change your outlook... .I find I need to do something else to change my thinking at times... .But it will work.  Someone suggested to me to try and "be mindful".  Remember the things that helped you make the wise decision to be free of the drama/anger/devaluing/chaos... .The light WILL get brighter.  Things WILL get better.  I, for one, envy that you are "on the other side" - free of at least the physical entrapment.  Enjoy and embrace your freedom for those of us longing for it!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Grace and peace!

Thank you, there is hope.

I know how it is when your partner is distant.  Mine has been distant for years, then suddenly, she will be friendly again.

I will follow your advice and look up and look forward!

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged
workinprogress
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 548


« Reply #11 on: September 08, 2014, 10:33:58 PM »

I'm going to hijack my own thread here.

Tonight I watched "The Pursuit of Happyness," the movie with Will Smith.

I love that movie.

It reminds me so much of when I was younger.  I was so determined to establish myself and escape the poverty I went through after I left home.

I absorbed the movie.  I pondered my life.  I have been struggling at work the last couple of years.  I have been working so hard, but something has been missing in me lately.

I couldn't figure out what it was.  Now I realize, I lost my purpose.  I was driven to succeed for myself and for my family.  Especially my wife.  Since our relationship has been so fractured the last few years, I sort of lost my focus.  I think that I may even have lost sight of what is important to me.  Which was being a good father and husband.  My family inspired me.

The thing is, there is a huge part of my life missing when my wife is devaluing me all of the time.

I try to maintain, but it has taken a gargantuan effort on my part.

I really have to refocus on me and the kids and my dreams.  I will need to blow the dust off my dreams, they are still there, they just need jump started I guess.

In reality, a number of years ago I was on fire with everything.  I had never had such a run of good luck.  My job was going great!  My family was doing great!  I had worked my butt off to advance with the company.  After only 2 years they offered me a better position.  It was unheard of to get offered a promotion like that in such a short amount of time.  They loved me!

When my wife refused to move it just deflated something inside of me.  I knew there would be tough times ahead if we didn't jump at the opportunity.  She wouldn't budge.

I felt such a huge betrayal on her part.

She knew how important the promotion was to me.

She didn't want to leave her controlling parents or her friends.

And yet, even after I missed out on that opportunity, she complained about money!

I would get so irate over this.  We could have made more money than we would have known what to do with.  We really could have had it made.

But no.  She doused my hopes and dreams. 

Since that time I don't know if I ever recovered.  It was bad enough being denied affection and sex. 

I guess it is time for me to get back on track.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #12 on: September 08, 2014, 11:07:14 PM »

In reality, a number of years ago I was on fire with everything.  I had never had such a run of good luck.  My job was going great!  My family was doing great!  I had worked my butt off to advance with the company.  After only 2 years they offered me a better position.  It was unheard of to get offered a promotion like that in such a short amount of time.  They loved me!

When my wife refused to move it just deflated something inside of me.  I knew there would be tough times ahead if we didn't jump at the opportunity.  She wouldn't budge.

I felt such a huge betrayal on her part.

She knew how important the promotion was to me.

She didn't want to leave her controlling parents or her friends.

And yet, even after I missed out on that opportunity, she complained about money!

I would get so irate over this.  We could have made more money than we would have known what to do with.  We really could have had it made.

But no.  She doused my hopes and dreams. 

Since that time I don't know if I ever recovered.  It was bad enough being denied affection and sex. 

I guess it is time for me to get back on track.

Maybe you define yourself too much by status and financial success.

Having been denied this it has sown a seed of resentment that wont go away.

The grass is not always greener
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
workinprogress
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 548


« Reply #13 on: September 09, 2014, 06:37:12 AM »

In reality, a number of years ago I was on fire with everything.  I had never had such a run of good luck.  My job was going great!  My family was doing great!  I had worked my butt off to advance with the company.  After only 2 years they offered me a better position.  It was unheard of to get offered a promotion like that in such a short amount of time.  They loved me!

When my wife refused to move it just deflated something inside of me.  I knew there would be tough times ahead if we didn't jump at the opportunity.  She wouldn't budge.

I felt such a huge betrayal on her part.

She knew how important the promotion was to me.

She didn't want to leave her controlling parents or her friends.

And yet, even after I missed out on that opportunity, she complained about money!

I would get so irate over this.  We could have made more money than we would have known what to do with.  We really could have had it made.

But no.  She doused my hopes and dreams. 

Since that time I don't know if I ever recovered.  It was bad enough being denied affection and sex. 

I guess it is time for me to get back on track.

Maybe you define yourself too much by status and financial success.

Having been denied this it has sown a seed of resentment that wont go away.

The grass is not always greener

I don't think that I define myself by my status or financial status.  My wife defines me that way though.

The reality of the situation is, I enjoyed my job very much and I was successful at it.  I like challenges and change.  The promotion would have opened up more challenges and changes.  I know the grass isn't always greener.

But, I know what my gut was telling me to do. 
Logged
thereishope
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married, together 4 years
Posts: 363



« Reply #14 on: September 09, 2014, 08:01:34 AM »

In reality, a number of years ago I was on fire with everything.  I had never had such a run of good luck.  My job was going great!  My family was doing great!  I had worked my butt off to advance with the company.  After only 2 years they offered me a better position.  It was unheard of to get offered a promotion like that in such a short amount of time.  They loved me!

When my wife refused to move it just deflated something inside of me.  I knew there would be tough times ahead if we didn't jump at the opportunity.  She wouldn't budge.

I felt such a huge betrayal on her part.

She knew how important the promotion was to me.

She didn't want to leave her controlling parents or her friends.

And yet, even after I missed out on that opportunity, she complained about money!

I would get so irate over this.  We could have made more money than we would have known what to do with.  We really could have had it made.

But no.  She doused my hopes and dreams. 

Since that time I don't know if I ever recovered.  It was bad enough being denied affection and sex. 

I guess it is time for me to get back on track.

Maybe you define yourself too much by status and financial success.

Having been denied this it has sown a seed of resentment that wont go away.

The grass is not always greener

I don't think that I define myself by my status or financial status.  My wife defines me that way though.

The reality of the situation is, I enjoyed my job very much and I was successful at it.  I like challenges and change.  The promotion would have opened up more challenges and changes.  I know the grass isn't always greener.

But, I know what my gut was telling me to do. 

I understand what you are saying completely.  Your "hijacking" post rang true with my spirit too, because I have experienced the same loss of self.  It isn't a selfish thing, or a "grass is greener" type of thing... .It's not that making money or doing any certain thing was your loss... .but the ENTIRE ABILITY to even LET A PURPOSE OR A DREAM OR A PASSION inside of yourself even EXIST while with a BPD S/O... .BPD seems to have a way of stifling/extinguishing/stopping/putting an end to all parts of "ME", for the NON-BPD, including any authentic vision or purpose I might have. 

It was in coming almost completely to the end of myself here with uBPDh that caused me to cry out to God to help me see clearly, and He led me to this message board... .I'd had no idea about BPD, but once I got here I recognized immediately what I was dealing with.  It was very affirming to see an explanation of why I felt like an empty shell simply floating around the house, going through the motions... .the BPD had consumed any ME/PREFERENCE/DRIVE/FEELINGS/VISION/PURPOSE I had had and replaced it with an all-consuming practice of trying to "make sure uBPDh was ok" to see, recognize and fulfill his needs, which in itself was impossible.  There was no room for anything else inside, just that.  Yes, I understand completely.  And I'm pursuing changing things.  And I know it is NOT because I'm being selfish, or vain, or need social/economical/any other sort of acclaim for myself... .I simply need to be allowed to be who God created me to be, and I just can't do that here. 
Logged
vortex of confusion
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3234



« Reply #15 on: September 09, 2014, 08:31:55 AM »

The thing is, there is a huge part of my life missing when my wife is devaluing me all of the time.

I try to maintain, but it has taken a gargantuan effort on my part.

I really have to refocus on me and the kids and my dreams.  I will need to blow the dust off my dreams, they are still there, they just need jump started I guess.

I know exactly where you are coming from with this. I feel like every time I have gotten excited about something, my husband has found a way to put a damper on it or find the negative. I have followed him around and taken care of him and focused on him and his dreams and his health and whatever he wants to the point that I felt like there was nothing left of me. It started to dawn on me when I could hear myself talking about everything in relation to him. People would be sharing stories about themselves and I would share about my husband because I no longer had any personal stories to tell.

I wanted to do a business one time but my husband would do nothing to help.

When I got my current job, the first thing out of his mouth was "what about me and my activities". I only work 12 hours a week.

When I was looking into grad school, it was "what about the kids".

I feel like I can't get excited about anything or he will find a way to point out the negatives or say something negative about it. So I started pursuing his interests. I joined his church and tried to get closer to him that way. Instead of embracing it and helping me learn about his church, he pulled away. I learned how to play an instrument and started writing song lyrics so he could write the music. We were a musical duo for a while but he lost interest. I would get excited about something that I wrote and ask him if he wanted to write the music for it but he would tell me stuff like, "I am just not feeling it."

And the effort it takes to maintain any kind of strength is enormous. I consider myself a very strong and very spirited person so it sometimes feels like the weight of it all is about to crush me.
Logged
thereishope
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married, together 4 years
Posts: 363



« Reply #16 on: September 09, 2014, 08:54:12 AM »

The thing is, there is a huge part of my life missing when my wife is devaluing me all of the time.

I try to maintain, but it has taken a gargantuan effort on my part.

I really have to refocus on me and the kids and my dreams.  I will need to blow the dust off my dreams, they are still there, they just need jump started I guess.

I know exactly where you are coming from with this. I feel like every time I have gotten excited about something, my husband has found a way to put a damper on it or find the negative. I have followed him around and taken care of him and focused on him and his dreams and his health and whatever he wants to the point that I felt like there was nothing left of me. It started to dawn on me when I could hear myself talking about everything in relation to him. People would be sharing stories about themselves and I would share about my husband because I no longer had any personal stories to tell.

I wanted to do a business one time but my husband would do nothing to help.

When I got my current job, the first thing out of his mouth was "what about me and my activities". I only work 12 hours a week.

When I was looking into grad school, it was "what about the kids".

I feel like I can't get excited about anything or he will find a way to point out the negatives or say something negative about it. So I started pursuing his interests. I joined his church and tried to get closer to him that way. Instead of embracing it and helping me learn about his church, he pulled away. I learned how to play an instrument and started writing song lyrics so he could write the music. We were a musical duo for a while but he lost interest. I would get excited about something that I wrote and ask him if he wanted to write the music for it but he would tell me stuff like, "I am just not feeling it."

And the effort it takes to maintain any kind of strength is enormous. I consider myself a very strong and very spirited person so it sometimes feels like the weight of it all is about to crush me.

  I'm sorry... .I understand. 
Logged
workinprogress
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 548


« Reply #17 on: September 09, 2014, 03:46:00 PM »

The thing is, there is a huge part of my life missing when my wife is devaluing me all of the time.

I try to maintain, but it has taken a gargantuan effort on my part.

I really have to refocus on me and the kids and my dreams.  I will need to blow the dust off my dreams, they are still there, they just need jump started I guess.

I know exactly where you are coming from with this. I feel like every time I have gotten excited about something, my husband has found a way to put a damper on it or find the negative. I have followed him around and taken care of him and focused on him and his dreams and his health and whatever he wants to the point that I felt like there was nothing left of me. It started to dawn on me when I could hear myself talking about everything in relation to him. People would be sharing stories about themselves and I would share about my husband because I no longer had any personal stories to tell.

I wanted to do a business one time but my husband would do nothing to help.

When I got my current job, the first thing out of his mouth was "what about me and my activities". I only work 12 hours a week.

When I was looking into grad school, it was "what about the kids".

I feel like I can't get excited about anything or he will find a way to point out the negatives or say something negative about it. So I started pursuing his interests. I joined his church and tried to get closer to him that way. Instead of embracing it and helping me learn about his church, he pulled away. I learned how to play an instrument and started writing song lyrics so he could write the music. We were a musical duo for a while but he lost interest. I would get excited about something that I wrote and ask him if he wanted to write the music for it but he would tell me stuff like, "I am just not feeling it."

And the effort it takes to maintain any kind of strength is enormous. I consider myself a very strong and very spirited person so it sometimes feels like the weight of it all is about to crush me.

I'm with you 100% on all of this.

I'm sure you were told that you were "selfish" also when you wanted something.

I recall that I really had some good ideas for novels or movies that I wanted to work on when we were first married.  I worked two jobs and spent weekends with whatever friends she had made plans with.  I rarely slept, but I did work on my stories/screenplays when I could.

After a couple of years of marriage I had said something about hopefully finding success with my writing.  My wife just said, "it hasn't happened yet."  She seemed so doubtful and it was very discouraging.

Also, it seems like I have been confined to the basement with my stuff and my office.  I always wanted my office upstairs with the family, but she always claimed that there were too many wires on my desk.  ?  Wires for internet, printers, power cords and so forth.

Every little thing I liked or did seemed to get discouraged by her.

The weirdest part of it all is the fact that I miss the woman I married so much. 
Logged
workinprogress
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 548


« Reply #18 on: September 09, 2014, 03:48:31 PM »


I understand what you are saying completely.  Your "hijacking" post rang true with my spirit too, because I have experienced the same loss of self.  It isn't a selfish thing, or a "grass is greener" type of thing... .It's not that making money or doing any certain thing was your loss... .but the ENTIRE ABILITY to even LET A PURPOSE OR A DREAM OR A PASSION inside of yourself even EXIST while with a BPD S/O... .BPD seems to have a way of stifling/extinguishing/stopping/putting an end to all parts of "ME", for the NON-BPD, including any authentic vision or purpose I might have. 

It was in coming almost completely to the end of myself here with uBPDh that caused me to cry out to God to help me see clearly, and He led me to this message board... .I'd had no idea about BPD, but once I got here I recognized immediately what I was dealing with.  It was very affirming to see an explanation of why I felt like an empty shell simply floating around the house, going through the motions... .the BPD had consumed any ME/PREFERENCE/DRIVE/FEELINGS/VISION/PURPOSE I had had and replaced it with an all-consuming practice of trying to "make sure uBPDh was ok" to see, recognize and fulfill his needs, which in itself was impossible.  There was no room for anything else inside, just that.  Yes, I understand completely.  And I'm pursuing changing things.  And I know it is NOT because I'm being selfish, or vain, or need social/economical/any other sort of acclaim for myself... .I simply need to be allowed to be who God created me to be, and I just can't do that here.  [/quote]
I feel the same way.  Even relaxing on the couch for 5 minutes was interrupted by my wife's requests.
Logged
this2shallpass

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« Reply #19 on: September 09, 2014, 05:00:24 PM »

I too have used the analogy in the past that even with a very gentle domesticated dog, if you hit it so many times, eventually it will become a snarling and agressive animal. This is what three years of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse did to me after I married my uBPD husband. I used to be so happy, sociable, and optimistic about life. But in a way-I was able to grow positively from this experience. I have been able to practice communicating boundaries to others. Instead of shouldering all the negativity I was experiencing with my husband AND family AND people in my life that were disrespectful, I said to myself-look I only have enough strength really to deal with the battleground that is my home life.

I started saying "no I am not able to do this for you" and "please don't keep doing this to me because it creates stress in my life" to people like my mother in law and my own mother, as well as let go of some friendships where I was doing all of the work to keep it going. In the end, I learned that people pleasing while trying to cope with BPD spouse is just way too much to bare and to my amazement- people started eventually respecting my boundaries without the relationship being destroyed. I actually grew happier in a way with the relationships outside of my marriage.

You mentioned a few chinks appearing in the armor-but you know-in a way I too had an armour (mine was people pleasing). When I let some of that armor fall apart-it felt like a weight had been lifted.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!