Need your opinon

[mama m]

I want our family to make healthy decisions/choices.

So please let me know if you think this all sounds healthy?

My husband has gone LC with his family

-polite,

-remembers birthdays,

-politely and simply responds to emails

- not engaging in a deep conversation

- does not allow them to visit us (we live 3 hours away)

-  does not allow the kids and I to visit them without his presence.

- is open to a more 'friendly' relationship. if an honest & loving relationship can take place (unfortunately, which he doesn't believe will ever happen) 

-he has NOT told them he has gone LC. he is just doing this and letting them figure it out. says spelling it out will only start drama/yelling/blaming and not an honest conversation.

-at some point will he not have to spell it out? someday they will ask "why can we not visit you?"

he says he will just ignore the question and continue on.

Thank you in advance!


ps: (He would go NC, but I have stepped in here. We are early 30s and our kids are small. There is a huge future ahead of us and NC seems to be a very permanent decision, since we know they will most likely not change (to many enablers)

[aubin]

It sounds like your husband has a good sense of what will "work" with his family in terms of maintaining appropriate boundaries while still having some contact. This sounds healthy to me.

I've been VLC/NC with my uBPD mother for almost 1.5 years. I wrote her a letter letting her know that I was limiting contact (the only "contact" are pictures I post of my infant son). While the letter was cathartic for me, it really made no difference to her. She tells other family members that she has no idea why I cut her off, that it was completely sudden with no warning, and that she has not even seen pictures of her grandson -- all lies. So your husband may be aware that explaining LC to his family will make no difference, or make things much worse, as seems to be common with pwBPD. However, I am glad that I wrote the letter to my mother. It was important to me that I be open about what I was doing and why, even if she couldn't process it.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi mama m

It's great that you guys have got together and made a plan that you are putting into practise. Personally I didn't tell my uBPDm when i dropped back from the high contact. It no doubt would be fodder for an emotional outburst from her and the argument becomes about who is right in each detail with the end result that she is not going to believe that I have a right to my rights anyhow! In order to maintain peace but to be able to mobilise within my boundaries  I found it best to just take it from time to time. I can always step up and see her more when she treats me with humanity or I can back off if she's being immature.

I have also found the unexpected benefit of seeing how she suddenly changed her behaviour to other people in order to 'get me back in the dance' Suddenly my sister is the Golden Child and Mum's will is changed in favour of my nieces rather than my children etc It has had the benefit of confirming and reconfirming that her love for me and mine is conditional.

I think what's important in your situation is do YOU think the boundaries are healthy? Do YOU think they will ask what's going on? You are possibly quite normal and would behave in that way if you noticed your kid withdrawing or limiting contact! What do YOU think will happen? And have you contingency plans to deal with possible outcomes that you are happy with?

[pessim-optimist]

Overall, if being LC is safe and doable, it is probably wiser and better for you and your children in the long run than NC.

Your children are bound to ask about their grandparents and it is much less traumatic for them to be exposed to them in a safe manner (when your husband is present and when you can leave any time it is necessary), and to know them, than to wonder and fantasize who they are and what horrible things they must have done, and if they themselves (=your children) are also somehow tainted also etc. etc.

When they are older, you will be able to explain to them that their grandparents aren't healthy, but they will see that you still love their grandparents and honor them as much as is safe and possible - which is a good and healthy example for them (rather than worrying and wondering if somehow you are the ones who were at fault and "poor grandparents didn't get a chance" - which is exactly what they would be likely to hear, if they contacted their grandparents when they grew up).

At some point will he not have to spell it out? someday they will ask "why can we not visit you?"

he says he will just ignore the question and continue on.

It looks like right now your husband isn't sure how to effectively spell it out, and wouldn't be comfortable doing so... .

In situations like these it is important to have the inner confidence to uphold your boundaries, and not get drawn into an argument of why or why not, and being baited into defending oneself.

It's possible that with time you two will be able to brainstorm and come up with a neutral phrase that you both feel comfortable with - what do you think?

[ABCD1234]

I think it sounds brilliant!

[sparrowfarfrom home]

My BPD mom and BPD sis have stopped speaking to me in the last 2 years ... .unless it is time 4 me to have my mom here for her twice yearly 2 week visit. Little do they realize that in that time I have actually learned about the concept of NC and lc. So I have actually deliberately made the decision to go vlc.

They have no clue of course... .but it means that I will be refusing to jump on the roller coaster in all future dramas.

wheee