The turning point thread

[freedom33]

I am interested in finding out what was the turning point - the internal light bulb - the enlightened moment that shined in your head and decided to start heading out of the rs.

For me it was month 4 in the rs just after I was thrown down from the pedestal. I had fallen hard. was blamed for everything and gaslighted on top of that. It was a period when I started questioning my own reality and sanity. I was a POW.

While I was responding to a message of hers at the time I was very fearful of what and how should I respond, what should I say etc. After I sent the message I went back and looked at it again. I thought that it wasn't very good - I started seeing points that she might get angry about and then engage in vengeful passive aggresive behaviour (that was her modus operandi). I thought 'how I could have said something different to her?', How could I improve this?. I have been through this message editing/censoring process before and then the DAWN appeared.

'It has nothing to do with me!' It doesn't matter what and how I respond to her. It is irrelevant. The content, what I do and how I do it is irrelevant. It was and was going to be a lose-lose situation for me EVERY SINGLE TIME. This was such a revelation. It still gives me strength to remember this moment of realisation.

What were your xps?

[Mr Hollande]

For me it was the beginning of May when after a serious episode of hers she two days later (between giggles) told me she was now with my replacement. A loser who'd been in and out or her life during our relationship. Exactly to what extent I do not know, nor do I care to find out. She "loved" him and how I felt did not matter. Then more giggles. 5 years of never giving up on her and the idea of our relationship I finally walked. Or rather I stumbled at first but I stumble no more. I've kept walking never to return. A long march out of captivity. My exodus. She's made various attempts to get me back in some capacity but it's over. This soldier marches on resentment and there's enough to keep him going till he drops off this mortal coil.

[KeepOnGoing]

I wanted something I was never going to get. I was chasing the idealization phase and didn't even know what that was at the time. I just knew I was chasing some sort of high with her, and this wasn't going to end well. One night we got "too close" by her standards, and she began pulling away. I somehow knew the gig was up, that she was now pushing me away like she had so many others in her past. The waif was going mysterious on me, and the chase to try to stay in her life was intoxicating, yet I knew it was sick and sought out a therapist immediately.

[sirius]

for my 13 years r/s, on the night she was packing to leave me for the last time, i could not see the person that i loved and lived with for more than a decade. it was not her anymore and i helped her carry her things to her car and waved good bye. Then i was still in the FOG for the next 7 weeks untill i found evidence of her cheating for the past 8 years with several other people (I totally have no idea about that and doesnt know about BPD) because she doesnt seem to be the cheating type. This shocked me out of my life the second time and i started T immediately. That was what made me decide that whatever that we had is gone, the person i fell in love with is gone

[Suspicious1]

I don't feel I had one moment or any kind of turning point. It was more as if I had a great big rock of love, affection, enthusiasm etc and bits got chipped off it until all I had left was a rubbish sort of pebble. Or rubble. Or a handful of sand. Pick your own metaphor.

Really though, it was that gradual. I did tell him it was happening - that every discard, episode of triangulation, bout of verbal abuse etc chipped away at my trust and affection until it was hard to value the good times, or believe the compliments or declarations of affection. And that eventually I'd feel nothing one way or the other and wouldn't be able to make any effort to keep things going. That's what happened in the end. Utterly depressing really.

[willtimeheal]

For me it was the day she went crazy and verbally abused me and degraded me in front of her kids. She blamed me for everything that was wrong in her life. I was even blamed for the fact that she didn't make enough money at her job.  How that has anything to do with me I have no idea. She degraded me and yelled at me and told me what a piece of crap I am. I just listened then said goodbye to the kids and then to her. She also told me in her rage that she could would probably never be in a place to share a life with anyone let alone me.

I realized I will always be the bad guy. I will never be enough for her. And I deserve so much more. When I watched her yell at me this beautiful woman that I loved became the ugliest person I had ever seen. It hurts and it is painful walking away. And why is there pain?  This woman cheated on me lied to me emotionally and verbally abused me.

[michel71]

I am still in the thick of it but I saw something last night as we were discussing the particulars of her remaining in the house until she could realistically leave. It's my house. She is from the UK and wants to go back "home". After months of her calling all the shots, financially manipulating me into spending over budget, I decided to tell her that I was going to get a student to rent the other room in the house to help defray expenses asap. She knew that this money was going to go to her obviously to help her with her move. She fired up. EYES TURNED BLACK. Her eyes are dark brown but I swear to God they looked solid black. In the coldest yet calmest voice ever, she told me " I will talk to somebody if you dare move somebody in here without my permission. I need my peace and you cannot disturb that". I was taken aback. Not because of the legal threat. I just couldn't believe the change. It did confirm to me that she had "left the building" as I put it. This is who she is. The woman I thought I knew is long since gone.

As to the real turning point though I think it was when she told me after an argument that she loved me "less".

That hurt. Devastated me. Sent me into a deep depression that I am just crawling out of.

[Mr Hollande]

She fired up. EYES TURNED BLACK. Her eyes are dark brown but I swear to God they looked solid black. In the coldest yet calmest voice ever, she told me... .

Straying from the topic I know but I remember the first time I experienced what you just described. I am almost twice as heavy as her, I am strong as an ox and have handled myself in many fights without fear regardless of the opposition but her stare and changed tone of voice put the fear of God into me.

[pieceofme]

She fired up. EYES TURNED BLACK. Her eyes are dark brown but I swear to God they looked solid black. In the coldest yet calmest voice ever, she told me... .

Straying from the topic I know but I remember the first time I experienced what you just described. I am almost twice as heavy as her, I am strong as an ox and have handled myself in many fights without fear regardless of the opposition but her stare and changed tone of voice put the fear of God into me.

still off topic, but both comments gave me chills. my ex's eyes turned black during his rages. i have never been as terrified of another human being as i have in those moments.

[freedom33]

She fired up. EYES TURNED BLACK. Her eyes are dark brown but I swear to God they looked solid black. In the coldest yet calmest voice ever, she told me... .

Straying from the topic I know but I remember the first time I experienced what you just described. I am almost twice as heavy as her, I am strong as an ox and have handled myself in many fights without fear regardless of the opposition but her stare and changed tone of voice put the fear of God into me.

still off topic, but both comments gave me chills. my ex's eyes turned black during his rages. i have never been as terrified of another human being as i have in those moments.

Not off topic at all - These sound very much like great realisations and turning points. Sometimes when she was really angry she would give me a look with a smile but underneath I would sense the hatred. She would look at me with such hatred and contempt but still smile as if saying I will show you. And she did. She used to get back at me in devious ways. So f***ing scary. This what is called a double bind www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind

[merm49]

She fired up. EYES TURNED BLACK. Her eyes are dark brown but I swear to God they looked solid black. In the coldest yet calmest voice ever, she told me " I will talk to somebody if you dare move somebody in here without my permission. I need my peace and you cannot disturb that". I was taken aback. Not because of the legal threat. I just couldn't believe the change. It did confirm to me that she had "left the building" as I put it. This is who she is. The woman I thought I knew is long since gone.

Forgive me for the melodrama, but the only frame of reference I have for this behavior by our BPDs is that they seem, with the flip of a switch, to literally be possessed by a demon.  Eyes go blank, face becomes expressionless, rage and vitriol spill forth--it was precisely these moments when she would say the most hurtful things possible to me (you're not a man in this r/s or bed, you have no self confidence, you have no passion, you don't make me better).  She once, in a moment of self-reflection during one of these episodes said, "what's wrong with me, I don't feel anything?." Should have ran right there, .  Stayed in for another 4-5 months.

As for the turning point, I knew as early as a couple months in something was up, as I went to my Uni's free counseling services.  Of course, at this stage and heavily in the midst of the FOG/push-pull, I thought something was wrong with me because I was extremely inexperienced in relationships at this point.  By spring, breakups/get-back-togethers, other guys, rages and vitriol all increased.  Yet it took an MD cousin of mine, a month after the final break-up she wanted but a very quick recycle including a concocted pregnancy scare, who told me she sounded like she BPD due to the rapid cycling emotions and splitting behaviors; once I started researching on my own, it fit her/our r-s to a T... .and I knew what had to be done.  There was no saving, no redemption story here.  That was 2 plus months ago, and I talked to once since after she pledged her love for me, only to find out she slept with another guy the night/morning before meeting me for the first time in 6 weeks.  Resigned that it's over, but I still battle the what-ifs and false hope on a daily basis.

[RisingSun]

The lightbulb moment for me was when my stbxw started to act out like I had never seen her act out before. It was like the floodgates of her disorder flung open and she held nothing back. Total insanity. It put me in shock and left me with PTSD.

I found out about an emotional affair she was having. I called her out on it. She flipped out. She started with the whole "you're controlling me", when I said I didn't want her to continue seeing and talking with OM. This is what started the downward spiral. It was two months of total hell like I've never experienced.

The way in which she acted was blowing my mind. It was such a confusing situation to be in. Tons of push/pull stuff going on. Extreme gaslighting, rage fits and seduction tactics.

One minute she was deeply in love with me, the next I was controlling and invalidating her. The whole time she wouldn't stop seeing the OM and was talking about how she "had love for him". She was living in a state of self-entitlement. She was telling me she wanted to "kill" our marriage because it was now holding her back from spiritual growth and self-expression. If I challenged her on the OM issue she would blame me for holding her back from "her growth". If I didn't want to hear about her AMAZING "connection" with this other man, I was invalidating her spiritual experience. It was sick, I tell you. I have never in my life seen such craziness.

I eventually realized I was in a no win situation. It was gridlocked. That's when I knew I needed to get out as fast as I could.

She beat me to the divorce though and blame shifted the whole mess she created on me. That's when I no longer had doubts that she was off her rocker and there was no turning back.

[willtimeheal]

She fired up. EYES TURNED BLACK. Her eyes are dark brown but I swear to God they looked solid black. In the coldest yet calmest voice ever, she told me... .

Straying from the topic I know but I remember the first time I experienced what you just described. I am almost twice as heavy as her, I am strong as an ox and have handled myself in many fights without fear regardless of the opposition but her stare and changed tone of voice put the fear of God into me.

still off topic, but both comments gave me chills. my ex's eyes turned black during his rages. i have never been as terrified of another human being as i have in those moments.

Not off topic at all - These sound very much like great realisations and turning points. Sometimes when she was really angry she would give me a look with a smile but underneath I would sense the hatred. She would look at me with such hatred and contempt but still smile as if saying I will show you. And she did. She used to get back at me in devious ways. So f***ing scary. This what is called a double bind www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind

I have seen this "switch" in mine as well. She has done this twice on me. It was  lime some demon took over her body. I swear if she had a knife or gun during those moments she would have tried to kill me.

[RisingSun]

She fired up. EYES TURNED BLACK. Her eyes are dark brown but I swear to God they looked solid black. In the coldest yet calmest voice ever, she told me... .

Straying from the topic I know but I remember the first time I experienced what you just described. I am almost twice as heavy as her, I am strong as an ox and have handled myself in many fights without fear regardless of the opposition but her stare and changed tone of voice put the fear of God into me.

still off topic, but both comments gave me chills. my ex's eyes turned black during his rages. i have never been as terrified of another human being as i have in those moments.

Not off topic at all - These sound very much like great realisations and turning points. Sometimes when she was really angry she would give me a look with a smile but underneath I would sense the hatred. She would look at me with such hatred and contempt but still smile as if saying I will show you. And she did. She used to get back at me in devious ways. So f***ing scary. This what is called a double bind www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind

I have seen this "switch" in mine as well. She has done this twice on me. It was  lime some demon took over her body. I swear if she had a knife or gun during those moments she would have tried to kill me.

I could see it coming and by that time it was too late. It scared the hell out of me. When her eyes and voice changed I went cold. My emotions would freeze. It was beyond fight or flight response. I went into emotional shutdown. The things she would say were meant to hit my core. She would take my most vulnerable areas and tear into them. I was also afraid to be close to sharp objects when she was like this. Sometimes in the middle of one of these episodes she would just pick something up and chuck it at me. No warning what so ever.

[StayOrLeave15]

Wow... .just reading this thread gives me chills and brings back scary memories.  About the eyes turning black... .my uBPDxgf has dark brown eyes but when she would become dysregulated they would turn into the coldest, most terrifying stare I have ever seen.  Her voice would change from calm and playful to deadly and serious... .in the blink of an eye.  As is Michel71, I am much bigger and stronger than her, but in these moments I would literally be shaking and brought to tears.  Horrible feeling but it helps knowing that we are not alone and can try and cope with this pain together.

As for the turning point, there were really two.  The first was after the first few times she became dysregulated and became so controlling that she threw me into a depression and made me feel worthless.  I feel like I wrote a novel on these boards over the months of May, June, and July.  I knew I couldn't be with her, but I felt like I couldn't be without her; a no-win situation that was very painful and frustrating. 

The second was when she became the most dysregulated I have ever seen her.  I have never been torn apart so badly by anyone with the things she said to me.  She then proceeded to tell me she would go to the police claiming abuse if I did not "do everything she said".  This included various financial, social, and other types of demands.  At that point I realized she could not be in my life in any way shape or form.  She has since tried to contact me multiple, multiple times in any which way possible, but I have remained strong with NC for 2.5 weeks now and I am proud of myself. 

As difficult and scary as her threats were, I am glad that they happened.  If not I would still be doing the BPD dance back and forth with her living in pain.  It seems like quite often we nons feel trapped in a relationship and it takes a frightening, drastic event to finally "see the light" and get out.