Closure?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi Family,

I appreciate any opinions and your thoughts on this.

As many here knows that breaking up with a BPD usually there no closure.

Me and my exuBPDgf broke up 6 months ago (13 years relationship, not married), been NC for 4 months which she cuts me off or maybe silent treatment. After our b/u, i discovered that  she had affairs for the past 8 years with several other people. Never had the chance to confront her on that and i guess it never will get an answer either if i did. She moved back to her parents after the b/u. She continued working as usual. I've done my theraphy. I don't know if I was replaced but it doesn't matter to me.

I took the time to heal but always hoping for a closure.

Earlier today, I sent a text to her old number, the only one that i had. Here is what transpired

Me : How have you been? Do you remember me?

her : Let's just move on. It's meant to happen that way

me : Ok I understood, you take care. I will send your things back to you when I can. I am sorry that I caused you pain, thank you for being with me and loving me, I will not contact you anymore. I just wanted to know that you are safe. I love you and I missed you. Good bye


I felt relieved and also sad at the same time, finally feeling the feelings of letting go clearly.

Although the r/s was abusive and all the same BPD crap that i took, was it wrong for me to state what was written on my reply to her? I don't think she will recycle or attempt to do so.

Is this as close to a closure that i can ever hoped for?

Thank you in advance

[sirius]

Hi Family,

I appreciate any opinions and your thoughts on this.

As many here knows that breaking up with a BPD usually there no closure.

Me and my exuBPDgf broke up 6 months ago (13 years relationship, not married), been NC for 4 months which she cuts me off or maybe silent treatment. After our b/u, i discovered that  she had affairs for the past 8 years with several other people. Never had the chance to confront her on that and i guess it never will get an answer either if i did. She moved back to her parents after the b/u. She continued working as usual. I've done my theraphy. I don't know if I was replaced but it doesn't matter to me.

I took the time to heal but always hoping for a closure.

Earlier today, I sent a text to her old number, the only one that i had. Here is what transpired

Me : How have you been? Do you remember me?

her : Let's just move on. It's meant to happen that way

me : Ok I understood, you take care. I will send your things back to you when I can. I am sorry that I caused you pain, thank you for being with me and loving me, I will not contact you anymore. I just wanted to know that you are safe. I love you and I missed you. Good bye


I felt relieved and also sad at the same time, finally feeling the feelings of letting go clearly.

Although the r/s was abusive and all the same BPD crap that i took, was it wrong for me to state what was written on my reply to her? I don't think she will recycle or attempt to do so.

Is this as close to a closure that i can ever hoped for?

Thank you in advance

[camuse]

Closure comes from you, accepting the sad truth and moving on in your mind.

She probably does have new supply and doesn't need you any more - you are feeding her with attention still. I'd delete the number, you sound still in the fog to me - you love her? Are you sure about that? Someone who cheated on you, abused you? Are you sure you don't just love the illusion she created?

Look at her short, cold response. She doesn't sound like someone who gives a hoot about you. Because she doesn't, of course. You have nothing she wants now. Maybe you will have at some point, who knows.

Delete, detach, move on. I read your story and feel very sad you spent 13 years on someone who treated you like disposable garbage.

I'm sorry for all you've been through, it sounds awful. I do hope you have found some closure and can put her behind you now for real.

[drummerboy]

That's way more closure than I got! 5 months of bliss then nothing, zilch, nada... .Total NC.

[sirius]

Thank you camuse, what you said is correct, i did not realize that. I guess I am still in the FOG untill this came

13 years together and not even a good bye or sorry. That says a lot.

[camuse]

13 years is a long time, I can't imagine what that must be like.

I imagine it is much harder to detach after such a long time. But the priciples remain the same, you need to understand and accept what happened in reality - which I am sure is very hard after so long - and then detach yourself. I expect it will take time, but NC is still the option for you. You seem to be sending a text to the illusionary person you loved, who never really existed, and received a reply from the self-absorbed, fake, empathy-free cheating real disordered person underneath.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to accept that you lived a lie for so long, but in the end you have no choice if you are to move on for real. Closure will come when you accept, with a heavy heart, the harsh reality of what happened and who she really is, and put a full stop to this chapter. Then you will with time be able to remove yourself from it emotionally. There is closure, but it will only come with zero contact and self-discovery.

I wish you well. Please look after yourself now - this person is not on your side.

[freedom33]

I agree with the previous people here. She used you, abused you and now disposed you as if you didn't exist. There is something really gruesome and inhumane in all this. I feel for you. 13 years of life invested to come to this. My warm wishes for recovery.

[drummerboy]

Absolutely beautiful, wise post Camuse. You've hit the nail on the head!

These ex's never really existed, in a way they are not real people. We were an actor in their fairytale. But if we do it right, we'll learn more about ourselves than we ever would have without them. That's their legacy. We get to get better, they get to stay the same, in the same pain, torment, continual crisis.We are the winners!

13 years is a long time, I can't imagine what that must be like.

I imagine it is much harder to detach after such a long time. But the priciples remain the same, you need to understand and accept what happened in reality - which I am sure is very hard after so long - and then detach yourself. I expect it will take time, but NC is still the option for you. You seem to be sending a text to the illusionary person you loved, who never really existed, and received a reply from the self-absorbed, fake, empathy-free cheating real disordered person underneath.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to accept that you lived a lie for so long, but in the end you have no choice if you are to move on for real. Closure will come when you accept, with a heavy heart, the harsh reality of what happened and who she really is, and put a full stop to this chapter. Then you will with time be able to remove yourself from it emotionally. There is closure, but it will only come with zero contact and self-discovery.

I wish you well. Please look after yourself now - this person is not on your side.

[Tater tot]

Absolutely beautiful, wise post Camuse. You've hit the nail on the head!

These ex's never really existed, in a way they are not real people. We were an actor in their fairytale. But if we do it right, we'll learn more about ourselves than we ever would have without them. That's their legacy. We get to get better, they get to stay the same, in the same pain, torment, continual crisis.We are the winners!

Bauie- I really love this, to think that they never really existed and that we were merely actors in their fairytale really puts a different perspective on things. Also how healthy to think of and embrace the fact that we nons, when coming through this, can get better, know better and lead richer lives than before... .and that with all the terrible and hurtful things our BPDs have put us through, that unbeknownst to them, they've given us this amazing gift and sad to think they likely will never evolve.

[sirius]

wow... .this is really helpful and pulled my head out of the FOG. I am so grateful to all the replies here

[hurting300]

Buddy your story made me very sad. I'll pray for you friend. You know, she is hurting worse than you probably. And you never know when she'll pop back up.

[sirius]

Thank you hurting300,

I believe she was in much more pain than me right after the break up and month later i guess i was replaced or something. She drive by my house a few times too 3 months ago.

I know very well that this relationship cannot work anymore and i never hoped for her to come back. If she had found someone, i wish her all the best. I do not want to be back into it either.

My txt/msg to her i guess is for my own closure,its to forgive myself at the same time, its more for me to move on and fortunately, her reply was not harsh or unpleasant. And she hid any other replacement or anything that would hurt me away from me. Even if i did not get the perfect closure, i would like to say my piece on my mind to her so she would have a closure too.

Although i knew clearly that this person used me, manipulated me, cheated and everything, deep down within myself, I am like any other person, I have compassion and capable of love. Once upon a time, this person was my world not too long ago.

Camuse, yes, i do love her and always will and i know that the person i fell in love with is gone, long gone, i accepted that. My reaching out is not hoping for a recycle, it is painful and sad but maybe i needed to hear it from her.

[hurting300]

Mine did the drive by's too man. They are probably stalking us