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Author Topic: BPD is back, emotional control  (Read 343 times)
christoff522
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« on: September 02, 2014, 06:12:12 AM »

Okay, confusing situation here. My BPD is back, we're messaging again, texting etc. Everything is kinda getting settled down, and I'm exerting some serious control over myself to not appear weak. But I've noticed she's ill again, and although she said she was suddenly more mature... she's still as she was, I notice sometimes she will say something to me, and I hear it like a child would say it.

The problem is I can feel myself getting sucked in here... I'm getting more and more... obsessive, attached and I keep worrying she's going to vanish again. I don't really feel a connection here. My logical brain is telling me she wouldn't be back, and she wouldn't apologise if she didn't care.

How can I get more control over myself? How do you guys cope with this? I don't want to lose her, and I know somewhere in there is 'something' she feels for me. I know she doesn't want to lose me out of her life. I just guess that everything that happened before is coming back with a vengeance.

Help 
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Moselle
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1899


Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2014, 12:49:46 PM »

Okay, confusing situation here. My BPD is back, we're messaging again, texting etc. Everything is kinda getting settled down, and I'm exerting some serious control over myself to not appear weak. But I've noticed she's ill again, and although she said she was suddenly more mature... she's still as she was, I notice sometimes she will say something to me, and I hear it like a child would say it.

The problem is I can feel myself getting sucked in here... I'm getting more and more... obsessive, attached and I keep worrying she's going to vanish again. I don't really feel a connection here. My logical brain is telling me she wouldn't be back, and she wouldn't apologise if she didn't care.

How can I get more control over myself? How do you guys cope with this? I don't want to lose her, and I know somewhere in there is 'something' she feels for me. I know she doesn't want to lose me out of her life. I just guess that everything that happened before is coming back with a vengeance.

Help 

Hi Christoff. I'm not sure of the history here. GF, W? How long has she been gone?

You sound very busy. Busy worrying if you are getting sucked back in, whether she will leave, whether she feels something  for you, whether you look weak.

Get another interest, a hobby, your career. My short experience with BPD's is stop caretaking them and they start behaving. If they know they have you worrying, they have control over you, they get bored and start hating again.
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christoff522
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Posts: 397


« Reply #2 on: September 02, 2014, 01:58:48 PM »

Okay, confusing situation here. My BPD is back, we're messaging again, texting etc. Everything is kinda getting settled down, and I'm exerting some serious control over myself to not appear weak. But I've noticed she's ill again, and although she said she was suddenly more mature... she's still as she was, I notice sometimes she will say something to me, and I hear it like a child would say it.

The problem is I can feel myself getting sucked in here... I'm getting more and more... obsessive, attached and I keep worrying she's going to vanish again. I don't really feel a connection here. My logical brain is telling me she wouldn't be back, and she wouldn't apologise if she didn't care.

How can I get more control over myself? How do you guys cope with this? I don't want to lose her, and I know somewhere in there is 'something' she feels for me. I know she doesn't want to lose me out of her life. I just guess that everything that happened before is coming back with a vengeance.

Help 

Hi Christoff. I'm not sure of the history here. GF, W? How long has she been gone?

You sound very busy. Busy worrying if you are getting sucked back in, whether she will leave, whether she feels something  for you, whether you look weak.

Get another interest, a hobby, your career. My short experience with BPD's is stop caretaking them and they start behaving. If they know they have you worrying, they have control over you, they get bored and start hating again.

The history is basically I was a triangulation with her and her ex. They broke up... she seemed to mess me about. She'd continually said she loved me, wanted be with me. It was all about 3 months in total. But she always kept me at a distance. She was all for control however. Aww man, I'm in a right rut at the moment, I have all this emotion, stress coming back. She literally seems to be making no effort except a few things like she'll have a conversation - but then it'll die off. But then she'll do something else to show she's thinking about me. Should I perhaps just give her space for a while let her make some effort?

Before It was like a BPD relationship at 1000 speed. You hear about people who were together for a year and it was seemingly all crammed into this short time. Idealization Devaluation and Discard. She would text me every day at 1pm, then from 1pm to like 6am she wanted to be in constant contact. We would skype, text, fb message all day and night. Frankly as a healthy person I shouldn't even be wanting any of this again. But I just don't know how to process it. I want to be distracted and out of this ___. But then I kinda want more than we had before.
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Moselle
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1899


Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2014, 04:20:39 PM »

The history is basically I was a triangulation with her and her ex. They broke up... she seemed to mess me about. She'd continually said she loved me, wanted be with me. It was all about 3 months in total. But she always kept me at a distance. She was all for control however. Aww man, I'm in a right rut at the moment, I have all this emotion, stress coming back. She literally seems to be making no effort except a few things like she'll have a conversation - but then it'll die off. But then she'll do something else to show she's thinking about me. Should I perhaps just give her space for a while let her make some effort?

Before It was like a BPD relationship at 1000 speed. You hear about people who were together for a year and it was seemingly all crammed into this short time. Idealization Devaluation and Discard. She would text me every day at 1pm, then from 1pm to like 6am she wanted to be in constant contact. We would skype, text, fb message all day and night. Frankly as a healthy person I shouldn't even be wanting any of this again. But I just don't know how to process it. I want to be distracted and out of this ___. But then I kinda want more than we had before.

You're head over heels! Smiling (click to insert in post) LOL Been there, got that T-shirt

OK deep breath.

What do you want? That might seem simple, but take her out of the equation and where do you see your self in one year, two years time?

When that is clear in your mind. Look at your relationship with her. Does it correlate with what you want for yourself. ie does she help you get there or does she make it more difficult?

What is it inside you that "kinda wants more than we had before"?

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christoff522
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 397


« Reply #4 on: September 03, 2014, 09:02:32 AM »

The history is basically I was a triangulation with her and her ex. They broke up... she seemed to mess me about. She'd continually said she loved me, wanted be with me. It was all about 3 months in total. But she always kept me at a distance. She was all for control however. Aww man, I'm in a right rut at the moment, I have all this emotion, stress coming back. She literally seems to be making no effort except a few things like she'll have a conversation - but then it'll die off. But then she'll do something else to show she's thinking about me. Should I perhaps just give her space for a while let her make some effort?

Before It was like a BPD relationship at 1000 speed. You hear about people who were together for a year and it was seemingly all crammed into this short time. Idealization Devaluation and Discard. She would text me every day at 1pm, then from 1pm to like 6am she wanted to be in constant contact. We would skype, text, fb message all day and night. Frankly as a healthy person I shouldn't even be wanting any of this again. But I just don't know how to process it. I want to be distracted and out of this ___. But then I kinda want more than we had before.

You're head over heels! Smiling (click to insert in post) LOL Been there, got that T-shirt

OK deep breath.

What do you want? That might seem simple, but take her out of the equation and where do you see your self in one year, two years time?

When that is clear in your mind. Look at your relationship with her. Does it correlate with what you want for yourself. ie does she help you get there or does she make it more difficult?

What is it inside you that "kinda wants more than we had before"?

Okay new development, I friend requested her last night and this morning she accepted. I've looked through her profile and she IS in a relationship with some lad. Which is good. It means even if I wanted to I couldn't get her back until the idealization/devaluation/discard has taken place. This is obviously why she returned. They've been together 3 weeks now. I know she doesn't want to be in this relationship and has impulsively said yes cos she doesn't want to be alone.

Anyway, based upon what you said,  theres no way this girl fits in with any of my plans - I know she'll mess me about, lie about me, cheat on me, and blame all of it on me, she will make my life hell. What wants more than we had before is the depressed, self hating, lonely part of me thats too lazy to go out and find someone better - a part that I'm working on daily.

The truth is I just wanted to be fb friends with her, that way I can have her in my life at a distance - I can relax. I am 'staying' and I will 'improve' the relationship... but on my terms Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thank you for your kind help Moselle: needless to say, I don't know if I want her, I know right now it's not possible (although with a BPD its actually easier to get one when they're in a relationship than when they're not) but I'm just gonna go ghost on her and not say a word.
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Moselle
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1899


Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2014, 09:33:01 AM »

The history is basically I was a triangulation with her and her ex. They broke up... she seemed to mess me about. She'd continually said she loved me, wanted be with me. It was all about 3 months in total. But she always kept me at a distance. She was all for control however. Aww man, I'm in a right rut at the moment, I have all this emotion, stress coming back. She literally seems to be making no effort except a few things like she'll have a conversation - but then it'll die off. But then she'll do something else to show she's thinking about me. Should I perhaps just give her space for a while let her make some effort?

Before It was like a BPD relationship at 1000 speed. You hear about people who were together for a year and it was seemingly all crammed into this short time. Idealization Devaluation and Discard. She would text me every day at 1pm, then from 1pm to like 6am she wanted to be in constant contact. We would skype, text, fb message all day and night. Frankly as a healthy person I shouldn't even be wanting any of this again. But I just don't know how to process it. I want to be distracted and out of this ___. But then I kinda want more than we had before.

You're head over heels! Smiling (click to insert in post) LOL Been there, got that T-shirt

OK deep breath.

What do you want? That might seem simple, but take her out of the equation and where do you see your self in one year, two years time?

When that is clear in your mind. Look at your relationship with her. Does it correlate with what you want for yourself. ie does she help you get there or does she make it more difficult?

What is it inside you that "kinda wants more than we had before"?

Okay new development, I friend requested her last night and this morning she accepted. I've looked through her profile and she IS in a relationship with some lad. Which is good. It means even if I wanted to I couldn't get her back until the idealization/devaluation/discard has taken place. This is obviously why she returned. They've been together 3 weeks now. I know she doesn't want to be in this relationship and has impulsively said yes cos she doesn't want to be alone.

Anyway, based upon what you said,  theres no way this girl fits in with any of my plans - I know she'll mess me about, lie about me, cheat on me, and blame all of it on me, she will make my life hell. What wants more than we had before is the depressed, self hating, lonely part of me thats too lazy to go out and find someone better - a part that I'm working on daily.

The truth is I just wanted to be fb friends with her, that way I can have her in my life at a distance - I can relax. I am 'staying' and I will 'improve' the relationship... but on my terms Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thank you for your kind help Moselle: needless to say, I don't know if I want her, I know right now it's not possible (although with a BPD its actually easier to get one when they're in a relationship than when they're not) but I'm just gonna go ghost on her and not say a word.

Christoff, you're all over the place Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) but that's OK Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

While you're going ghost on her, please do yourself a favour and get a book called "How to stop caretaking the BPD/NPD" by Fjelstad

see https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203887.0

PS I don't see you as depressed, self-hating or lonely at all. You sound like a normal guy (with a good sense of humour) head over heels about a girl. The book will help you do that healthily, it's mostly about the non-BPD
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christoff522
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 397


« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2014, 04:37:40 PM »

The history is basically I was a triangulation with her and her ex. They broke up... she seemed to mess me about. She'd continually said she loved me, wanted be with me. It was all about 3 months in total. But she always kept me at a distance. She was all for control however. Aww man, I'm in a right rut at the moment, I have all this emotion, stress coming back. She literally seems to be making no effort except a few things like she'll have a conversation - but then it'll die off. But then she'll do something else to show she's thinking about me. Should I perhaps just give her space for a while let her make some effort?

Before It was like a BPD relationship at 1000 speed. You hear about people who were together for a year and it was seemingly all crammed into this short time. Idealization Devaluation and Discard. She would text me every day at 1pm, then from 1pm to like 6am she wanted to be in constant contact. We would skype, text, fb message all day and night. Frankly as a healthy person I shouldn't even be wanting any of this again. But I just don't know how to process it. I want to be distracted and out of this ___. But then I kinda want more than we had before.

You're head over heels! Smiling (click to insert in post) LOL Been there, got that T-shirt

OK deep breath.

What do you want? That might seem simple, but take her out of the equation and where do you see your self in one year, two years time?

When that is clear in your mind. Look at your relationship with her. Does it correlate with what you want for yourself. ie does she help you get there or does she make it more difficult?

What is it inside you that "kinda wants more than we had before"?

Okay new development, I friend requested her last night and this morning she accepted. I've looked through her profile and she IS in a relationship with some lad. Which is good. It means even if I wanted to I couldn't get her back until the idealization/devaluation/discard has taken place. This is obviously why she returned. They've been together 3 weeks now. I know she doesn't want to be in this relationship and has impulsively said yes cos she doesn't want to be alone.

Anyway, based upon what you said,  theres no way this girl fits in with any of my plans - I know she'll mess me about, lie about me, cheat on me, and blame all of it on me, she will make my life hell. What wants more than we had before is the depressed, self hating, lonely part of me thats too lazy to go out and find someone better - a part that I'm working on daily.

The truth is I just wanted to be fb friends with her, that way I can have her in my life at a distance - I can relax. I am 'staying' and I will 'improve' the relationship... but on my terms Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thank you for your kind help Moselle: needless to say, I don't know if I want her, I know right now it's not possible (although with a BPD its actually easier to get one when they're in a relationship than when they're not) but I'm just gonna go ghost on her and not say a word.

Christoff, you're all over the place Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) but that's OK Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

While you're going ghost on her, please do yourself a favour and get a book called "How to stop caretaking the BPD/NPD" by Fjelstad

see https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203887.0

PS I don't see you as depressed, self-hating or lonely at all. You sound like a normal guy (with a good sense of humour) head over heels about a girl. The book will help you do that healthily, it's mostly about the non-BPD

Thank you. We've had a very good chat, I lost the plot completely last night... it was like things got to a real head for me. I told her I wanted her and that I knew she wanted me, I told her if she didn't want me she knew where the door was. Anyway, she ended up calling me and yapping for about an hour, then suddenly when the phone went down I just couldn't talk anymore, every emotion I'd felt for a good long time ended up coming to the fore and I vented on her via text, swear words, anger, and I just lost it, I felt like I had no chance of ever being with her and I just wanted to be swallowed up by the earth and never think or feel again. it was horrendous.

I'd become emotionally weak, and like this thread I've been seeking 'detachment' so as to better deal with my feelings. Well I apologised today, and We've spent two hours talking on the phone. I've decided to treat her like anyone else, just as a normal girl. I know she's not, but if I put her in the perspective of "BPD" I will be all "I know her better than anyone else does", she's undiagnosed... no one else but I am aware of this. I will most definitely read this book, I'll start tonight (thank you kindle). I 'love' her, and whilst she's with someone else I know why, it's because he's "kind', and not as kind as I am, nor as funny, nor as attractive. But this girl is somewhat younger than me (about 10 years) I'm 28 and she's 17 - that in itself is f****d up. But we've both become entangled in some crazy web, it began with use laughing and joking in my place of work, and she fell for me. I'm not bothered anymore about this relationship she has. In fact maybe it's a good thing. I'm not going to wait til she's 18 or anything. I know she wants that because she as good as said it today. It's weird, she is a bit more mature really. none of that stupid "you're my god, i worship you" stuff from before. But there is something there.

Is it possible, that I'm so insecure, that I found an illness on the web - and simply labelled her with it because I couldn't cope with the idea that she may reject me?

But then again, no normal girl would put up with the crap I've put her through. I'm just gonna keep in touch I guess, thats what we both want.

Oh and this is the UK not US  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Moselle
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 1899


Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #7 on: September 04, 2014, 06:28:02 PM »

Christoff, I can only speak from my experience, but 14 years ago I had a similar thought to yours and married a woman who seemed a perfect catch. The thought was " she absolutely adores me, she'll never leave me".

This period is called the idolisation phase of a classic BPD relationship. This turned into posessiveness after 1 year, and hatred and violence (hers, not mine) by year 10. By then we had 3 children.

I am in year 14 having given her an ultimatum of divorce or therapy in year 10. She got worse while going to therapy, because I was funding it and she was only doing it for me.

7 months ago, she hit me for the last time. I walked out for good.

She raged, publically humiliated me, committed fraud for 6 months, but for the last 5 weeks has shown some effort. Very little but some, and I have a very difficult decision to make about my future with her

I point this out to you because you have a choice. You're 28 with your life ahead of you. I didn't choose this, I fell into it,  because I was completely unaware of my co-dependence tendency (that same thought as you above).

If someone had hit me on the head when I was 25 and said "hey read up about about co-dependency, I think you have it, I suggest you sort that out before you marry someone or partner up", I would never have married her.

Think about it. You said yesterday that she had no place in your future. She would cheat on you, and cause all sorts of nonsense. You were right. Make a healthy choice.

Some further thoughts

Does the other guy, invoke a primal sense of competition in you to fight for her?

Do you think she is saying the same kind of stuff to him, to compete with you?

Do you think she is enjoying having you (and potentially him) fighting over her.

Does it fill a deep need in her? ( an insatiable need for validation which cannot be fulfilled by any man)

If she's this manipulative at 17. Imagine her at 25 or 28.

Does she enmesh you? Ie does she fill your thoughts?

Is there an intense anxious air about her?

Do facts change depending on how she's feeling?
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christoff522
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 397


« Reply #8 on: September 05, 2014, 06:32:16 AM »

Christoff, I can only speak from my experience, but 14 years ago I had a similar thought to yours and married a woman who seemed a perfect catch. The thought was " she absolutely adores me, she'll never leave me".

This period is called the idolisation phase of a classic BPD relationship. This turned into posessiveness after 1 year, and hatred and violence (hers, not mine) by year 10. By then we had 3 children.

I am in year 14 having given her an ultimatum of divorce or therapy in year 10. She got worse while going to therapy, because I was funding it and she was only doing it for me.

7 months ago, she hit me for the last time. I walked out for good.

She raged, publically humiliated me, committed fraud for 6 months, but for the last 5 weeks has shown some effort. Very little but some, and I have a very difficult decision to make about my future with her

I point this out to you because you have a choice. You're 28 with your life ahead of you. I didn't choose this, I fell into it,  because I was completely unaware of my co-dependence tendency (that same thought as you above).

If someone had hit me on the head when I was 25 and said "hey read up about about co-dependency, I think you have it, I suggest you sort that out before you marry someone or partner up", I would never have married her.

Think about it. You said yesterday that she had no place in your future. She would cheat on you, and cause all sorts of nonsense. You were right. Make a healthy choice.

To be fair, I've been saying to myself today that marriage etc - it's just fantasy. I've even be reading about mindfulness to just... distance myself. What you went through is unimaginable, My BPD (well, not my BPD) is most certainly a waif, with tales of abuse from the last guy she was with (triangulation - it's like history is repeating itself)

Some further thoughts

Excerpt
Does the other guy, invoke a primal sense of competition in you to fight for her?

It makes me feel a bit sick, I don't so much want to fight as want to scream - I guess on a level I must want to fight, but I know contact will make me weak, beta... not the alpha I want to be.

Excerpt
Do you think she is saying the same kind of stuff to him, to compete with you?

She called me his name yesterday by accident. That tells me she's obsessed with him, and although she says "I know I don't love him" she's obsessed I'm sure.

Excerpt
Do you think she is enjoying having you (and potentially him) fighting over her.

Yes, I think she is. She actually text me at 930am showing me her pills from the doctors - that just shows the entanglement is returning.

Excerpt
Does it fill a deep need in her? ( an insatiable need for validation which cannot be fulfilled by any man)

Most definitely. I've said all this about attention seeking and validation, and she completely denies it. I believe that, for her consciously she really does feel good about me, adores me and has an epic crush on me which she has for a long time. I think that on one level I'm her 'dream man' but thats because I'm older and wiser, and I 'listen' and make her laugh and I'm pretty darn hot  Being cool (click to insert in post). But like you say, what she wants, and doesn't even know she wants - I cannot fulfill.

Excerpt
If she's this manipulative at 17. Imagine her at 25 or 28.

From what I know of BPD, she has supreme game, but its internal, learned, she doesn't know she's doing it. So honestly I don't judge her on that. The reality of it it though... you're right, she's a seductress, she's a cleopatra.

Excerpt
Does she enmesh you? Ie does she fill your thoughts?

Yes, non-stop since February.

Excerpt
Is there an intense anxious air about her?

Oh boy, yes, yes there is.

Excerpt
Do facts change depending on how she's feeling?

Yes, but not as bad as before, probably because she's idealizing me again.
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itgirl
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 4 years living together
Posts: 195



« Reply #9 on: September 05, 2014, 07:15:51 AM »

I don't know guy.  This is the staying board so not appropriate but you are missing a lot of red flags. 
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