How to get help

[meerkat1]

I have read many of the stories here. Mine is similar.

All the symptoms are there. The mood swings, the all out rage, self worth, abondonment, all of those are there 'in spades'. The self harm, and the radical impulsiveness. However, she has them, just on a low, and somewhat hidden level. We did realize that she does self harm more in an emotional way, than physical. She is somewhat impulsive with binge eating when anxious.

The black and white thinking, the destructive relationships, all there too.

I want to help or get help but seems that I am in a catch 22. Damned if I do Damned if I don't. I can barely be in the same room with my wife without it starting a fight. I can't get two words out of my mouth without it starting a fight. Does not matter what the situation is or when, there is always the potential for her to take things the wrong way, twist them, and rage. When the fight starts, it won't end. I tried all the stuff. Sympathy, Empathy, Truth, and validation, but none of that will curtail the inevitable build up to all out hell. I try to remove the triggers, she finds new ones. All forms of affection have stopped, long ago. If I even so much as look like I might reach out to her, she will pull away, and often gets nasty. Then the one time she wants me to hug her, and I don't, she uses that against me, too. She will pick relentlessly, until I have to leave. Then picks on me for leaving. She can go for hours and hours, screaming at me, hurling nasty comments. Picking on me. So I try to stay away, as much as possible. That has only led to loneliness on both our part. I have been to therapists, she won't go. 

She has tried to start DBT self help, but only intermitenly. If i try to discuss it, she finds some way to turn it against me.

I want the situation to change. I need it to change. My kids need it to change. My wife needs to get better. The relentless fighting is killing us.

How can I get help?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

I tried all the stuff. Sympathy, Empathy, Truth, and validation, but none of that will curtail the inevitable build up to all out hell. I try to remove the triggers, she finds new ones. All forms of affection have stopped, long ago.

I hear the frustration and I know how it feels.

Have you looked at this article?  bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down  Where is she?  Where are you (which stage)?

It might help to break this down.  What are you fighting about lately?

[meerkat1]

Thanks Skip.

We are clearly at Stage 4. I have been avoiding her like the plague. Go anywhere to stay away from the conflict. I would even make sure the kids stay way, too. Do anything to avoid even the slightest irritation. Any slight irritation could trigger a prolonged rage that I could not handle.

I realized this about a week or so ago. In that realization I also discovered that I was not only lonely, but she too was very lonely. I made the mistake of thinking that she wanted to be alone. Consider, she is the one who lashes out at me at every given chance. So why would I think she wants me around her? Why would I want to be?

After realizing this, I came back to this board. I have gotten some good advice.

And made some progress.

I was able to be with her an entire weekend, a three day one at that. We even had fun, laughed, and enjoyed each others company. Yes, there were times she was irritated, even some very deep anxiety. But this time I was armed and ready. I took the offensive instead of retreating, I out flanked those feelings she had. I stopped invalidating her feelings. She did a 180. Stopped attacking me, at least viciously. We became members of the same team, instead of enemies for the first time in a long long time.

[Skip]

I was able to be with her an entire weekend, a three day one at that. We even had fun, laughed, and enjoyed each others company. Yes, there were times she was irritated, even some very deep anxiety. But this time I was armed and ready. I took the offensive instead of retreating, I out flanked those feelings she had. I stopped invalidating her feelings. She did a 180. Stopped attacking me, at least viciously. We became members of the same team, instead of enemies for the first time in a long long time.

This is good to hear.

If you're at stage 4 (I've been there), every step forward is fragile as it triggers old feelings so don't be discouraged.  Best to step back and try again.

Typically an argument recycles in a relationship - what is the conflict between you.

[meerkat1]

We have been at stage 4 for a long time, several years for sure. There always is the potential for conflict over something.

Who knows what it is next, I did not flush the toilet properly, I flushed it, but maybe too slowly or maybe too fast. What the heckK? I could call her up and tell her I am stopping at the store on my way home from work. Try to be nice, see if there is anything she needs. That could easily start a conflict. She could get overwhelmed by emotions because she all of a sudden needs to think of everything we need. On the other hand, if I do stop, but don't call her, that is just as bad. Because I was not being nice and there are things she needs, now she has to take her time to go out and shop. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Then there are all the resentment items that seem to never end. Been married over 20 years, she is still complaining about the wedding. I could easily list a dozen things that she fights with me about that all happened over 10 years ago. If I gave her a minute she could find at least another dozen or two. Nothing is ever over with pwBPD. Every minor conflict turns into something major that they were offended by a decade ago. My side of those issues does not exist. Does not matter that 10 years ago she agreed with me on something, now she does not like it, and her emotion is the only thing that exists.

I am now learning how to at least not invalidate the emotion. And starting to validate it. Even if I don't understand, or whole heartedly disagree. I am the only one that can reduce the conflict. She has no control over her emotions at all.

Hoping that finally getting some relief that we can start to discuss treatments. We can get the episodes to a manageable place so that discussion can actually take place.

From there I can only hope that all those issues and the emotional baggage could be thrown away or at least reduced. That we can move forward in a situation that everything does not find her deeply offended and enraged.

I know it is possible. I am putting a lot of work into it with the hope that she will follow suit.

[joshbjoshb]

I know it is possible. I am putting a lot of work into it with the hope that she will follow suit.

How about if she never does?

Chances are, she won't.

Not trying to tell you to stop. I am also on this board so we go through the same issues. But you have to be realistic and realize that she might stay ill for the rest of her life.

[Skip]

How about if she never does?

Chances are, she won't.

Not trying to tell you to stop. I am also on this board so we go through the same issues. But you have to be realistic and realize that she might stay ill for the rest of her life.

It's not only about the partner.

It's a relationship and two people are involved and when we deal with it more maturely with our half, it often gets better for us and other members of the family.

A lot of good can happen. We can stop fanning the flames, we can have better coping skills, the family can develop better coping skills.  This can make a huge difference.  And our partner may respond favorably to leadership and motivation - most people do.

The point to try to make it better - or the best it can be.

Separate of that, we also need to decide if "better" is enough for us to continue on - which is another exercise entirely - an equally important one.

Generally it makes sense to get things to a safe harbor, stabilize, evaluate.

[joshbjoshb]

Couldn't agree more! But at the same time, the biggest work we "non's" have to do is with ourselves, and NOT in the hope of her following suit (because she might never do it), but just for the sake of ourselves, our children, etc.

[meerkat1]

She says she wants to get better. She understands she has this illness. She is trying to do some self help. Not sure how much any of that will help.


She has some issues that keep her from getting outside help:

1. Major self image problems. She thinks she will have to lose weight and all this other stuff before she can get help. Chicken?Egg?

2. Blames me for not getting help earlier, Uses this as an excuse to not do anything now and instead fight with me.

3. Had issues with therapy before. One time she went to counseling on her own and she was diagnosed Bi-Polar. This did not sit well with either of us.

    Second time was couples counseling. The therapist essentially put all the blame on 'our' issues on her anger problems (duh, ya think?) and tried to do separate sessions.  She could not accept blame and stopped.

[joshbjoshb]

She says she wants to get better. She understands she has this illness. She is trying to do some self help. Not sure how much any of that will help.

She *said* doesn't mean she *understand*, and even when she does it' can be like a little ray of light that shines for a second and then... .gone.

For me, the biggest help was understanding that I am not going to be the one making HER feel better. I can learn how to avoid many conflicts, how to take better care of myself so I won't get hurt from her, etc. But I can't, and you can't, change your spouse so please stop trying.

There is much to learn on this site. Almost none of it has to do with getting your spouse "fixed". Although I'd wish there is a way to do it.

[Skip]

She says she wants to get better. She understands she has this illness. She is trying to do some self help. Not sure how much any of that will help.

This is far better than it being "you"... .

Have you seen this book?

www.bpdresources.net/peer_book_reviews/xavier_amador.htm

[meerkat1]

Thanks I will take look at that

[formflier]

I tried all the stuff. Sympathy, Empathy, Truth, and validation, but none of that will curtail the inevitable build up to all out hell. I try to remove the triggers, she finds new ones. All forms of affection have stopped, long ago.

I hear the frustration and I know how it feels.

Have you looked at this article?  bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down  Where is she?  Where are you (which stage)?

It might help to break this down.  What are you fighting about lately?

Skip,

Is there a similar article that describes "the way back"... .stages back to a "normal" r/s?

[formflier]

Meerkat1,

Keep pushing ahead with your work on your r/s... .I've read the entire thread... .and I think you are starting to believe there is a way back.

Can you take a few minutes and compare the amount of hope that you have now with 30 days ago... .3 months ago?  Let us know.  What has changed?

  Damned if I do Damned if I don't. I can barely be in the same room with my wife without it starting a fight.

So you seem to have identified that you have the power to start a fight.

Who has the power to stop a fight?