BPD and in laws

[joshbjoshb]

How does your pwBPD gets along with your family? I am curious to know.

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[maxsterling]

Like most things for her, with a ton of anxiety.  She seems to have comments or judgments about all of them.  She says she hates my sister in law (who also has been diagnosed BPD), has stated before that she hates my mother and has all sorts of complaints about her.  She thinks my parents are cheap. 

But the reality is, that's about the way she feels about most people.  Most people she has a list of things that bother her about them.  I don't think I am aware of a person in her life that she hasn't claimed to hate at some point or another.  So her anxiety about my family is really just anxiety over having other people to deal with.  It really has nothing specific to do with them.

[MissyM]

My dBPDh has a really toxic family, lists of PDs and addictions.  He does better when he doesn't have contact but he has such a high need for their "love."  The problem is their love is conditional, he can't be in recovery or have his own family.  He really flips out whenever he spends time with them or talks to them very often.  He has a ton of FOO issues that haven't been dealt with.  Physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional incest, etc.

[November_Rain]

My uBPDh hasn't been around my family much, but seems to think the worst of them, or at least says that when he gets mad at me, His family, on the other hand, is highly controlling, is in denial about his issues, thinks he never had any problems until he met me, and is the most dysfunctional I have ever seen. They live across the country from us, yet he calls them several times a day. He can't make any decisions on his own. I think the term is "emotional incest". It's pretty disturbing.

[MissyM]

November, you are describing my husband's family to a T.  They are laying on the guilt right now because he had stopped talking to them and his Mom has breast cancer. They blame me for his drug and sex problems, even though his Dad has the same issues and his Mom is a borderline.  His brother has some kind of PD, not sure if it is schizoid, BPD or NPD but he doesn't have long term relationships.  They would love it if they could just all live together (that is the idea they project) but his brother can't stand his Mom either but in his fantasy he has a great relationship with her (lives in the same town and maybe sees her 2 times a year).  They have a lot of fantasy in his FOO.

[mstnghu]

For the most part my wife actually gets along pretty well with my family. She doesn't know that I've extensively talked to my parents and brother/sister-in-law though about her disorder. If she knew, she'd be furious because she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her.

Even though she gets along with them, she always likes to take little jabs at certain family members when they're not around. It's like she's feeling me out to see if I'll agree with her about what she's saying. If she can get me to agree with her, then she can try to break down that relationship and gain more control over me. That's my opinion. She doesn't know that her manipulation isn't working.

As far as my wife deals with her own family though, it can be very rocky. I think her family is great and I get along well with pretty much everybody. Her family isn't perfect, but isn't dysfunctional either. I sometimes suspect my MIL of being BPD also though and she and my wife sometimes have a very intense and emotionally unhealthy relationship... .then suddenly they're BFFs again.

Even though my wife's family is very relaxed and easygoing for the most part, she still acts frantic and always turns into a stress ball around them. She then tries to drag me into her crazy behavior and whenever I respond negatively to her, she's told me on numerous occasions to "not embarrass" her in front of her family. For some reason she gets all wiggy and the "crazy" comes out when she's around her parents. Then she takes it out on me. Whenever I go to family functions on her side of the family now, I try to mostly avoid her because she almost always has a BPD episode. She's good and keeping it hidden from her family but she has no problem secretly saying nasty things in my ear when people aren't paying attention.

Even though I know her family likes me, she always makes comments later about how certain family members have had bad things to say about me. I don't believe it anymore. I know that her family actually does like me and she's just trying to create drama and make her feel better about herself by putting me down.

[flowerpath]

Face-to-face, my husband and my family members are civil to each other.  Behind their backs, he is jealous of their success and is critical of them, usually when he is upset with me.   He knows that they are aware of his behavior. 

Early in our relationship, several times he said that my family members didn't know how to love each other.  At the time, I knew what he said was untrue and I thought it was odd that he would say something like that (Hello, flowerpath! That was a red flag!  ) because we are a close family and we get along well with each other.  Now I believe that was an example of his projecting what was going on with his own family onto mine.   On the surface, his family members are warm and huggy-kissy, but they are critical of each other, and there is constantly some kind of conflict. 

[Hawk Ridge]

How do they treat stepchildren?

[MissyM]

My dBPDh has been up and down with my daughter.  I was very firm when we married that he would not do any of the discipline, since she was a very good kid it wasn't a huge problem. He would want to get on her for silly things and I would say NO, she was a straight A honor student that didn't sleep around or use drugs.  Those were the important things, whether she was 100% respectful to him at all times was just ridiculous.  His idea of being disrespected is out of whack because of his BPD.  Now, when he was on drugs he absolutely treated her horribly, she was an adult.

[bpbreakout]

BPDw's family is extremely disfunctional and causes a lot of problems in our relationship. She has 3 bothers and all the siblings are constantly fighting and in a coupleof cases vitually estranged. The main thread holding them all together is their parents (NPD father / BPD mother). I could write a book about this family. .

All the siblings have a terrible habit of sending circular emails which always seem to contain an element of self pity about something to do with their family mixed with provocative comments. BPDw drafted such an email last week as someone forgot her birthday though to her credit she asked me what I thought and then didn't send it.

At times I get quite angry at the way BPDw is treated by her family which is truely appalling. On the other hand I can see that she is a willing participant in all the squabbles.

At the moment she is "sided" with one brother against another brother in a feud seems to have no basis & goes back years. I think she was manipulated into this by her brother but was a willing participant as it made her feel closer to her brother. She cannot see this & I think she has sold herself short.

I try my best not to "enable" her behaviour as I genuinely believe it's not in her interests to get involved in these fights & also I try my best to empathise with the way she is tretaed. Nonetheless, she often tries to get me to take sides and get involved & gets angry with me when I don't.

[November_Rain]

My inlaws seem to think I am the biggest problem their son ever met. They are highly critical of me and my family. I believe they are in some sort of a cult. My family, like every family, has issues, but for the most part are all good Christian people. My udBPDh berates them and uses his parents as a pedestal (because they have been married so long they must always be right and be good people). My family has always treated him with respect even though they are aware of what's going on. They have never been rude to him in any way. I found it funny that he actually accused me of being jealous of his parents. He only does this when he is angry at me though. I think it is a way to hurt me and to try and get me to respond when I go into my shell (this after being verbally abused and not responding to it)

[joshbjoshb]

So interesting to read all of the responses here.

For my wife, my family is one of the worst things ever happened to her. She told me clearly that because "I don't include her in my relationship" with them (mind you she doesn't want to... .) she feels that I might betray her any time I talk to them.

[formflier]

I posted similar comments on another thread... .here goes again.

A quick note on my "big theory" of dealing with inlaws.

Way before I learned about BPD I "got out of the middle of the road" in my wife dealing with my parents and my family.

I decided to no longer be a go between... .play telephone... .any of that. 

Sometimes I will pass a simple message... ."dinner time changed to 630... ."  but nothing that conveys feelings... .or could be a big deal... .or looks for some type of compliance.

What you want to avoid is being responsible for the choices of others.

When they try to make you responsible for the choices of others... .I love the phrase "help me understand... ."  be conscious about not using the word "why"

They most likely will eventually tire of trying to get you to make other people do things... .they can do that directly with them

While I learned that before I ever even heard of BPD or BPD traits... .I think this is good theory to continue with.

Thoughts?

[waverider]

I posted similar comments on another thread... .here goes again.

A quick note on my "big theory" of dealing with inlaws.

Way before I learned about BPD I "got out of the middle of the road" in my wife dealing with my parents and my family.

I decided to no longer be a go between... .play telephone... .any of that. 

Sometimes I will pass a simple message... ."dinner time changed to 630... ."  but nothing that conveys feelings... .or could be a big deal... .or looks for some type of compliance.

What you want to avoid is being responsible for the choices of others.

When they try to make you responsible for the choices of others... .I love the phrase "help me understand... ."  be conscious about not using the word "why"

They most likely will eventually tire of trying to get you to make other people do things... .they can do that directly with them

While I learned that before I ever even heard of BPD or BPD traits... .I think this is good theory to continue with.

Thoughts?

This a good approach, stay off the tracks of a runaway train heading for a cliff if the relationships are toxic. You will just get run over and the train is going over the cliff anyway.

Luckily my partner thinks my family are the best. Mainly because she has such big issues with her own and wishes she got on with her family the way I do with mine. Odds are though she has just had more exposure to fall out with hers. I am sure she would do the same with mine given the exposure.

I must admit though I do struggle with resisting being triangulated with her family, as I have my own personal resentments, and she just fuels them

As far as my kids whom she was a 50% step mum for a few years she projected and caused all sorts of problems before I found out about BPD and came here. Since then we have worked things in a healthier way and this sort of projection has stopped. I still feel guilty about my inability at the time to prevent the damage.

Whatever else it is important to try to keep your relationships with either yours or their family on your own basis rather than getting stuck trying to take sides or be overly influenced.

[mstnghu]

I posted similar comments on another thread... .here goes again.

A quick note on my "big theory" of dealing with inlaws.

Way before I learned about BPD I "got out of the middle of the road" in my wife dealing with my parents and my family.

I decided to no longer be a go between... .play telephone... .any of that. 

Sometimes I will pass a simple message... ."dinner time changed to 630... ."  but nothing that conveys feelings... .or could be a big deal... .or looks for some type of compliance.

What you want to avoid is being responsible for the choices of others.

When they try to make you responsible for the choices of others... .I love the phrase "help me understand... ."  be conscious about not using the word "why"

They most likely will eventually tire of trying to get you to make other people do things... .they can do that directly with them

While I learned that before I ever even heard of BPD or BPD traits... .I think this is good theory to continue with.

Thoughts?

Well, this brings up another interesting topic. Is it typical for people with BPD to play "telephone"? My wife pulls this crap with me all the time. The other day she thought my mom was mad at her... .my mom actually was and with good reason. So, my wife wanted to know if she could make a side dish for a Labor Day BBQ at my parents' house. Instead of just calling my mom and asking her herself, she insisted on making me call her and ask her. I didn't oblige. This has been a constant battle in our relationship. Anytime my wife doesn't feel like dealing with somebody or something, she tries to put me in the middle to handle the issue because she can't. It affects many aspects of our life.

[formflier]

I posted similar comments on another thread... .here goes again.

A quick note on my "big theory" of dealing with inlaws.

Way before I learned about BPD I "got out of the middle of the road" in my wife dealing with my parents and my family.

I decided to no longer be a go between... .play telephone... .any of that. 

Sometimes I will pass a simple message... ."dinner time changed to 630... ."  but nothing that conveys feelings... .or could be a big deal... .or looks for some type of compliance.

What you want to avoid is being responsible for the choices of others.

When they try to make you responsible for the choices of others... .I love the phrase "help me understand... ."  be conscious about not using the word "why"

They most likely will eventually tire of trying to get you to make other people do things... .they can do that directly with them

While I learned that before I ever even heard of BPD or BPD traits... .I think this is good theory to continue with.

Thoughts?

Well, this brings up another interesting topic. Is it typical for people with BPD to play "telephone"? My wife pulls this crap with me all the time. The other day she thought my mom was mad at her... .my mom actually was and with good reason. So, my wife wanted to know if she could make a side dish for a Labor Day BBQ at my parents' house. Instead of just calling my mom and asking her herself, she insisted on making me call her and ask her. I didn't oblige. This has been a constant battle in our relationship. Anytime my wife doesn't feel like dealing with somebody or something, she tries to put me in the middle to handle the issue because she can't. It affects many aspects of our life.

Good on you for staying out of it.

How do you go about saying no... when you are asked to make a call?

[mstnghu]

I posted similar comments on another thread... .here goes again.

A quick note on my "big theory" of dealing with inlaws.

Way before I learned about BPD I "got out of the middle of the road" in my wife dealing with my parents and my family.

I decided to no longer be a go between... .play telephone... .any of that. 

Sometimes I will pass a simple message... ."dinner time changed to 630... ."  but nothing that conveys feelings... .or could be a big deal... .or looks for some type of compliance.

What you want to avoid is being responsible for the choices of others.

When they try to make you responsible for the choices of others... .I love the phrase "help me understand... ."  be conscious about not using the word "why"

They most likely will eventually tire of trying to get you to make other people do things... .they can do that directly with them

While I learned that before I ever even heard of BPD or BPD traits... .I think this is good theory to continue with.

Thoughts?

Well, this brings up another interesting topic. Is it typical for people with BPD to play "telephone"? My wife pulls this crap with me all the time. The other day she thought my mom was mad at her... .my mom actually was and with good reason. So, my wife wanted to know if she could make a side dish for a Labor Day BBQ at my parents' house. Instead of just calling my mom and asking her herself, she insisted on making me call her and ask her. I didn't oblige. This has been a constant battle in our relationship. Anytime my wife doesn't feel like dealing with somebody or something, she tries to put me in the middle to handle the issue because she can't. It affects many aspects of our life.

Good on you for staying out of it.

How do you go about saying no... when you are asked to make a call?

Well, there's really no easy to tread lightly. She gets pissed when I don't give in. It's an issue I've had to deal with many times throughout our relationship. She's even tried to get me to call our medical provider to make appointments for her before. Of course the medical provider wants all sorts of personal and medically relevant information that only my wife is able to provide. Somehow my wife isn't able to do this for herself. She started trying to get me to do stuff like this even when we'd only been dating a few months. It was clearly a red flag that I shouldn't have ignored. She's a grown woman and should be able to handle stuff like this on her own.

Even today, she wanted me to call my son's preschool to check on a behavior issue he's having. Never mind the fact that she's already off work and I'm still working. If my son's behavior isn't stellar at preschool today, I'm not sure exactly what she thinks calling them is going to accomplish. I basically just told my wife that since she's the one picking him up today, she can talk to them about his behavior when she picks him up. There's no reason for me to call them, only to find out if he's been misbehaving and then to pass the information onto my wife who can find out about it for herself later anyways.

My wife loves to try to get me to pointlessly get in the middle of situations that she is more than capable (or at least should be) of handling. If I don't give in to her, of course she makes me feel terrible. She'll be mad no matter how I respond and nothing will be good enough anyways, so I may as well stand my ground.

[waverider]

Well, there's really no easy to tread lightly. She gets pissed when I don't give in. It's an issue I've had to deal with many times throughout our relationship. She's even tried to get me to call our medical provider to make appointments for her before. Of course the medical provider wants all sorts of personal and medically relevant information that only my wife is able to provide. Somehow my wife isn't able to do this for herself. She started trying to get me to do stuff like this even when we'd only been dating a few months. It was clearly a red flag that I shouldn't have ignored. She's a grown woman and should be able to handle stuff like this on her own.

Even today, she wanted me to call my son's preschool to check on a behavior issue he's having. Never mind the fact that she's already off work and I'm still working. If my son's behavior isn't stellar at preschool today, I'm not sure exactly what she thinks calling them is going to accomplish. I basically just told my wife that since she's the one picking him up today, she can talk to them about his behavior when she picks him up. There's no reason for me to call them, only to find out if he's been misbehaving and then to pass the information onto my wife who can find out about it for herself later anyways.

My wife loves to try to get me to pointlessly get in the middle of situations that she is more than capable (or at least should be) of handling. If I don't give in to her, of course she makes me feel terrible. She'll be mad no matter how I respond and nothing will be good enough anyways, so I may as well stand my ground.

Interesting you bring this up, it is an aspect I have to deal with, and not sure I have discussed it before. I always put it down to her black and white need for an answer, immediate gratification if you like, whilst at the same time trying to insert a buffer to take responsibility in case it backfires.

There is often a push for an immediate answer to a non issue that is more than likely going to just run its natural course anyway.

[formflier]

  If I don't give in to her, of course she makes me feel terrible.

How does she do this... .?  Probably as close to word for word as you can will help us help you navigate this better.

She'll be mad no matter how I respond and nothing will be good enough anyways, so I may as well stand my ground.

So... .I hope you can look on this as liberating.  She will be mad... .no matter what you do.  Therefore... .don't take it personally... .even if she says it's because of you... .

Now... .can you tell us what standing your ground means?  Describe it a bit.

Standing your ground sounds pretty close to a boundary.  Have you read about those?

[mstnghu]

  If I don't give in to her, of course she makes me feel terrible.

How does she do this... .?  Probably as close to word for word as you can will help us help you navigate this better.

She'll be mad no matter how I respond and nothing will be good enough anyways, so I may as well stand my ground.

So... .I hope you can look on this as liberating.  She will be mad... .no matter what you do.  Therefore... .don't take it personally... .even if she says it's because of you... .

Now... .can you tell us what standing your ground means?  Describe it a bit.

Standing your ground sounds pretty close to a boundary.  Have you read about those?

Well, there's no specific way that she makes me feel terrible. Her normal method of operation is the guilt trip. She'll just make rude and nasty comments (mostly in a completely annoying passive/agressive way)  and try to put a guilt trip on me. One of her favorite phrases she uses when she's mad at me is just "wow!". She uses the word in a way to mean that she just can't believe I could act in such a horrific manner by defying her and not giving into all of her irrational impulsive whims. If I don't do every little thing she asks of me and behave according to her standards (which is impossible), I get the "wow!" and then some sort of blah blah blah along with it.

I guess it's liberating to an extent, but it also creates a sense of hopelessness in our relationship as well. I say that because it shows that no matter what way I respond to her, it will always be wrong and there is just no reasoning with her in a rational adult-like manner.

As far as standing my ground, I recently finally reached a point in our relationship where I realized my life was slowly being sucked out of me. I was tired of being mentally and emotionally suffocated by my wife but I also still had hope that we could work things out. I've always been a strong-willed person and was letting her control far too much of me and she was constantly manipulating me. Standing my ground just means that now when I know I'm right about something and she is wrong, I refuse to give in.  I've come to realize that because my wife is so wrapped up in her own internal turmoil, she doesn't actually care about what's important to me in life. She wants my whole purpose to be to "attempt" to make her happy. Since I realize it's impossible to make her happy, I need to be able to stand up for my own happiness.

[formflier]

  If I don't give in to her, of course she makes me feel terrible.

How does she do this... .?  Probably as close to word for word as you can will help us help you navigate this better.

She'll be mad no matter how I respond and nothing will be good enough anyways, so I may as well stand my ground.

So... .I hope you can look on this as liberating.  She will be mad... .no matter what you do.  Therefore... .don't take it personally... .even if she says it's because of you... .

Now... .can you tell us what standing your ground means?  Describe it a bit.

Standing your ground sounds pretty close to a boundary.  Have you read about those?

Well, there's no specific way that she makes me feel terrible. Her normal method of operation is the guilt trip. She'll just make rude and nasty comments (mostly in a completely annoying passive/agressive way)  and try to put a guilt trip on me. One of her favorite phrases she uses when she's mad at me is just "wow!". She uses the word in a way to mean that she just can't believe I could act in such a horrific manner by defying her and not giving into all of her irrational impulsive whims. If I don't do every little thing she asks of me and behave according to her standards (which is impossible), I get the "wow!" and then some sort of blah blah blah along with it.

I guess it's liberating to an extent, but it also creates a sense of hopelessness in our relationship as well. I say that because it shows that no matter what way I respond to her, it will always be wrong and there is just no reasoning with her in a rational adult-like manner.

As far as standing my ground, I recently finally reached a point in our relationship where I realized my life was slowly being sucked out of me. I was tired of being mentally and emotionally suffocated by my wife but I also still had hope that we could work things out. I've always been a strong-willed person and was letting her control far too much of me and she was constantly manipulating me. Standing my ground just means that now when I know I'm right about something and she is wrong, I refuse to give in.  I've come to realize that because my wife is so wrapped up in her own internal turmoil, she doesn't actually care about what's important to me in life. She wants my whole purpose to be to "attempt" to make her happy. Since I realize it's impossible to make her happy, I need to be able to stand up for my own happiness.

When she says WOW... .what do you say?

Think about saying softly... ."help me understand what WOW means... ."

The point of the interaction is to not "react"... .not continue a fight... or look or act agitated.