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Author Topic: I don't think I can handle this anymore  (Read 353 times)
tayana
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 51



« on: September 03, 2014, 11:37:56 AM »

My pwBPD is still in the hospital because I wouldn't let her come home without a support plan in place.  She apparently took this as I wouldn't let her come home at all and told her doctor that I wouldn't let her come home because she is mentally unstable.  The hospital planned a "discharge planning meeting" that I was invited to, and although she told me I could do it by phone, I felt it was important and chose to go in person.  I had talked to her the night before and told her I was going to come, and she seemed a little upset that I was making the effort to be there in person.  I assumed that she was just surprised that I considered her important enough to take part of the day off work.  I had talked to several people and had found folks willing to stay with her or that had volunteer opportunities for her to do during the day so that she wouldn't be home alone.  Her self harming behaviors occur most often when she is alone and has time to think.  I knew this was distraction, but I thought she would prefer this to going to a long term treatment or a group home.

She had told me the meeting was going to include the social worker, case manager, the doctor, etc and that I couldn't seem unprepared and wishy washy.  So I had written down everything I wanted to say and was shocked when I got to the meeting and discovered that it was a discharge planning meeting, not what she had told me, and that it was just me, her and the social worker from the hospital.  When I started talking and explained that I never meant she couldn't come back home, she got upset, called me a liar and stormed out of the room.  Even though I had told her over and over, and others had told her, she still believed that I had said she couldn't come home at all, not that I just wanted some sort of a plan in place.  She finally came back in with the nurse, accused me of keeping her from the kids and that she could have gone home over a week ago and it was my fault that she was still there.  The nurse tried getting her to understand that I wasn't the reason she was still there and that she needed to own her emotions.  The nurse thought that having friends and church friends willing to help her was a good idea, but she didn't want to be babysat.  The meeting concluded with everyone coming up with ideas to fill up her day:  a day dbt program, volunteer work, auditing classes, etc, and it seemed to end on a positive note.

I received a call from her a few hours after the meeting and she now pretended she hadn't called me names or claimed I wasn't her partner and seemed to be OK.  She told me that she was now going to a group home.  I was very confused and tried to get her to tell me how that decision was reached because the impression I got from the meeting was that as long as she had supports in place they would let her come home.  She wouldn't tell me, only that it happened when I wasn't there.  We continued to argue about my intentions at the meeting and that I had changed my story, which I hadn't.  She finally told me not to call or visit her until I knew how to tell the truth. 

She had made the comment the night before that she needed therapy not distraction and volunteering was just distraction.  She is accusing me of keeping her away from the kids, even though she is the one making that choice by not wanting to be "Babysat" or do something during the day besides sleep and think.   I'm starting to think she chose to go to the group home and wants to somehow blame me for that decision.  The whole thing is making me crazy, and I am almost ready to sign the car I bought her (her credit was bad) over to her since it's paid off, give her her own bank account and limit the amount of time she sees the kids.  She doesn't see that her moods affect everyone in the house and that when she is depressed and anxious, it's like a dark cloud descends over the place and makes everyone edgy.  In her mind, the kids aren't affected at all because she doesn't cut or take drugs in front of them.  They don't notice in her mind, even though the little one acts out around her and the older one looked up stuff on the internet until he figured out she was suicidal.  They definitely notice how dealing with her affects me. 

It has been nice the past few weeks without that dark cloud over the house.  I've felt better, felt less like sleeping all day, although I noticed that even though she isn't there, my life still revolves around her.  I find myself doing things she wanted done.  I spend time gathering up stuff for her and going to see her in the evening without the kids.  She doesn't seem to appreciate or want what I'm giving her, and I don't have much more to give.  I'm tired and emotionally worn out. 
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maxsterling
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2014, 01:05:42 PM »

Wow.  That's rough.  I can relate here, but not quite to this extreme.  My fiancĂ© was in the hospital this time last year.  It was the same story, they would not discharge her unless there was some kind of safety plan in place.  After 10 days, she basically lied and said she was feeling better.  They arranged for her to be in a 3-day per week outpatient group therapy and that lasted until her insurance was cut off when she lost her job.  If it was up to the doctors, she probably would have been in group therapy for longer. 

She made the same complaints regarding "babysitting".  Any other activity she was involved with she complained was just something to keep her occupied, so she wouldn't go.  She got involved in a free art class type program for mentally ill people.  She went a few times, then never went back claiming that all she was doing was distracting herself.  She said the same thing about AA meetings - that they were just something to do.  Of course I was at my wits end during all this, her doing nothing all day and complaining that her life was miserable and worthless.  And when she was offered things to do, would complain and not do them saying there was no point.  I think a group home probably would have been good for her, because there were many months where I dealt with suicidal language multiple times per day every day, and it was near impossible for me to live with.

My suggestion is that you focus on you and the kids, and let the doctors and social workers focus on her.  Her saying that you are keeping her from the kids and coming home is projection and blame.  Don't accept that.  If they can put her in a group home, let her go.  If she is self harming or abusing drugs, that will not only be the best thing for her, but for you and your children as well.  Of course she will blame you.  There's nothing you can do about that except reject her blame.  She's in a safe place now with trained professionals.  And you and the kids are enjoying a home without the dark cloud.  Enjoy the space while you have it.  Hopefully her doctors and her social workers can help her.
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tayana
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 51



« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2014, 08:43:41 AM »

I debated last night whether or not I should go see her, and I finally decided to be the bigger person and reach out to her.  I took the kids with me so they could go to a park nearby.  I figured if she wouldn't see or talk to me, I could go have fun with them and the drive to the hospital wouldn't be a total waste.  I printed out a bunch of pictures because I had promised to take her pictures of the kids.  I dropped the kids off and went to the hospital.  She already had two visitors and when they asked if she wanted to see me, I was told that she was going to let the other visitors stay.  I handed the nurse the photos and said ok.  Then I left and went to the park.  The kids and I played around, walked around the lake at the park, and then went home.  We had a good time, so it wasn't a pointless trip.

On the way home, she called and wanted to know why I hadn't stayed.  I told her the nurse had said she didn't want to see me.  She tried to say that she had come out to get me and that I wasn't there, and again I repeated what I'd been told.  She said that she had to go to group, and I said I'd call her later.

When I called back, she acted confused that I had called and I reminded her I'd said I would.  She told me she was mad at the world because they were having issues finding her a place to stay that she could afford with her disability.  The one place she can afford only gives her a $30 stipend for spending money and that isn't enough to pay for her gas to see the kids and get to her temporary job.  I offered to pay for the gas.  Her disability money just makes our lives easier.  It's not essential to the functioning of the household.  She rejected this idea.  I did not offer to let her come home because I'm standing firm to the boundary of she isn't going to be there alone.  She doesn't want to get up and volunteer at the church and she doesn't want to have people stay with her.  She says she always does stuff when I am there, not when she is alone, even though I can name at least three times she has overdosed during the day after a tough therapy session.  I said I could help her find a group home if I knew what I was looking for and she again turned down my offer of help.

I refuse to enable her self-destruction any longer.  Other friends offered to let her stay with them and she is considering that, but she doesn't want to drive from their location to mine to see the kids.  She has lied about things that have happened while she was at home with me.  Her perception about everything is skewed, and I am tired of living under her dark cloud of depression.  If that means she can't come back to my house, that's OK.  She broke up with me, but she still wants me to be her partner in everything but name. 
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