BPD and pets

[ydrys017]

I'm curious if others have similar experiences.  My uBPDw has been excitedly pursuing getting a puppy over the last several weeks, she has the kids S13, D9, S6 all on board.  They all know that I'm not a pet or dog person, and have been explicitly against the idea for years.  I was neither consulted nor asked if I was in support of getting a dog.  I have not brought up the topic as we don't really converse much.  While I'm still against getting a dog, as I will most likely be responsible for its maintenance, I'm not sure its worth a blowup.

This perplexing comment to her friend "... .I think it will be good therapy for me... ." has stood out as quite confusing to me.  So, do pwBPD look to pets for anxiety relief, and 'therapy' on some level? 

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[byfaith]

Mine does. I can hear at least a dozen times in a given day " I love you" to the dog. My wife used to tell me I love you and all kinds of nice sweet things. I guess some feel that an animal will never betray you or rather show unconditional love. It sounds weird but inside I get jealous of the dog sometimes. I don't get mad "at" the dog. She will kiss and hug on the dog and cat constantly. Animals do offer therapy for good reasons for a lot of people though.

[vortex of confusion]

Therapy dogs are quite common. Dogs are often taken into nursing homes to give patients a pick me up. I have seen dogs taken into schools during finals time to help ease the anxiety of students.

I know that my husband loves our dog and the cats too. He loves how our dog greets him when he gets home in the evening and sits with him. Animals tend to love way more unconditionally than humans do. 

[bruceli]

I'm curious if others have similar experiences.  My uBPDw has been excitedly pursuing getting a puppy over the last several weeks, she has the kids S13, D9, S6 all on board.  They all know that I'm not a pet or dog person, and have been explicitly against the idea for years.  I was neither consulted nor asked if I was in support of getting a dog.  I have not brought up the topic as we don't really converse much.  While I'm still against getting a dog, as I will most likely be responsible for its maintenance, I'm not sure its worth a blowup.

This perplexing comment to her friend "... .I think it will be good therapy for me... ." has stood out as quite confusing to me.  So, do pwBPD look to pets for anxiety relief, and 'therapy' on some level? 

IME, pets and PD go hand in hand.  As a whole, animals don't talk back/have opinions and in most cases won't fight back.  I do know of one incident however when a pwPD struck his dog and bit him back.  The PD was just positively astounded that the dog would do that to him.  He really couldn't figure out why.

[tayana]

I had two dogs when I met my partner.  She was always jealous of my animals and claimed I loved them more than her.  She complained that she had to get rid of her cats when we moved in together because my son was allergic.  I later found out he wasn't allergic and tired of her complaining, got her a cat.  She didn't want it because it wasn't her cat.  I ended up taking care of it.

She has continued to bring home animals, so I have an "animal project" and then denies doing so.  She continues to get jealous if I pay attention to a dog or cat instead of her.  I am responsible for taking care of the animals, yet she gets upset because they don't get paid attention to.  She doesn't want them out, but she doesn't want them shut up either.  The animals are treated the way they are because that's what she wants.

[Skip]

It's pretty hard to tag dogs and cats to pwBPD.  

65 percent of American households include at least one pet.

And most young kids can't wait to have a pet.

[Panda39]

My SO's uBPDexw it seems must always have a dog, along with the phone and the TV I think the dog keeps her company when things are too quiet for her.

[bruceli]

It's pretty hard to tag dogs and cats to pwBPD.  

65 percent of American households include at least one pet.

And most young kids can't wait to have a pet.

I showed dogs and cats for years.  Had many PD experiences especially NPD.  IMO I would say that there was a good correlation statistically.

[maxsterling]

Interestingly, one of the reasons I got involved with her is because she claimed to be a caring cat person, and I have a cat who has been my companion for years.  Initially, she liked the cat.  Then the cat became her competitor, and she would go hot and cold with him - wanting his attention one minute, then yelling at him the next.  I then got her a guinea pig, and she loves it!  I think the guinea pig has gotten her through some really sad days.  Then we got a second guinea pig, and the second guinea pig is not as friendly so she doesn't like that one.  And somehow we happened upon a tiny kitten that we brought in.  For awhile, the kitten was cute and she loved him.  But a few days ago, she decided the kitten was too annoying and now goes around telling him he is a bad cat and that she hates him.  Two nights ago she wanted me to throw the kitten out the back door.  I told her I would not do that.  I think the pets have overall been good for her moods, but obviously at times they cause her stress like everything else.

[ydrys017]

Interesting!  I guess a dog will indeed show continuous attention and affection, and perhaps this might be a positive after all.  I know that I'm unable to really show affection right now, so if I can handle taking care of whatever dog shows up - it might be a net positive. 

One primary concern is that she will substitute a puppy for the therapist, as I'm pretty sure she's ready to write the current one off as 'not getting it... .'

[mywifecrazy]

I  got a puppy Black Lab for my uBPDxw and myself when we were first married. I actually got to see the cycles of a pwBPD r/s play out with her and the dog. At first she was all lovey   dovey with the dog. Playing with it all the time, acting silly, doing the baby talk with it. Years later she was just indifferent with the dog. She didn't pay it any attention. Then in the final years she was just nasty to the dog. The only attention she gave it was negative, yelling and snapping at it for no reason. We had to put the dog down when she was 13 yrs old. My uBPDxw told me she felt bad after I put the dog down because she was always     shrieking  at the poor animal... .I wonder if she'll ever feel sorry about all the crap (lies, infidelity, etc) she's done to me?

MWC... .

[Moselle]

I'm curious if others have similar experiences.  My uBPDw has been excitedly pursuing getting a puppy over the last several weeks, she has the kids S13, D9, S6 all on board.  They all know that I'm not a pet or dog person, and have been explicitly against the idea for years.  I was neither consulted nor asked if I was in support of getting a dog.  I have not brought up the topic as we don't really converse much.  While I'm still against getting a dog, as I will most likely be responsible for its maintenance, I'm not sure its worth a blowup.

This perplexing comment to her friend "... .I think it will be good therapy for me... ." has stood out as quite confusing to me.  So, do pwBPD look to pets for anxiety relief, and 'therapy' on some level?  

The short answer is "Yes". Bizarrely, I have three kids all girls 13, 10, 5 (similar to you), and my W got two puppies about 5 months ago. We are separated so she's entitled to do what she wants, I suppose, but she can't contain them or train them. They are crazy dogs, who do their business all over the house, eat everything in the house, shoes, chairs everything.

I actually love dogs and grew up with lots of them, but our lifestyle now just does not allow dogs. We travel all the time, so I've never got them, knowing that we probably can't look after them properly.

I think they need a dog to love them unconditionally.  No matter what you do to a dog, they'll greet you with a wagging tail every time you come home. You have to actually be nice to a husband which is a bit of a bother for a pwBPD. A dog is much safer. A sure thing actually, also very dependent for food and shelter, which they seem to need too.

Here's something hilarious. I have arranged to spend 10 days with my three daughters, driving 1500 km in 10 days just before Christmas. My  wife has arranged all sorts of things for herself during that time. She phoned me the other day asking if I would mind taking the dogs with me in the car on the 10 day road trip... .seriously!... .she said it'll be good for them to get out, and they will love to meet her sister's dogs at our destination. I thought she was joking, so I laughed... .but she was dead serious! she just doesn't want them to cramp her style during her holiday.

[ydrys017]

Soo... .  a puppy was indeed brought home last weekend, kids love it, uBPDw loves it, I can put up with it (it's up most of the night, and we have gates everywhere... .).  However, I would say this is the most pleasant I've seen my uBPDw in ~2 years!  As expected, even less gets done around the house now with me picking up even more of the slack, and most of her world revolves around this puppy - but there is less tension.  Now that I'm aware of BPD, I'm no longer naive to think it will last - but for now, I'll take it. 

[dog_star]

I was in a serious accident very eraly in our marriage. my dBPDw wanted me to get a dog as she thought it would help my recovery. i very much like dogs and had a few of them in the past, but I was against it. she kept working on me an sure enough I gave in after a few weeks.

with in  a few months of getting the dog she started to have negative feels around the dog. mostly she felt jealous of the dog. she would get very angry about the dog. and say horrible things.

after a few years of intense rage about the dog she did soften. now I think she does care about the dog. however, I am careful not to pay too much attention to the dog when she is around as it can cause a deregulation. she will also try using the dog against me in conflicts. recently she threatened that she would let the dog out in the street if I did do x. the dog is not real smart around cars and I am paranoid that he will get hit some day so that was a gut turning threat. I removed myself for the situation. when I came back a few hours later the dog was fine but my nice Samsung computer monitor was smashed!

[dog_star]

Soo... .  a puppy was indeed brought home last weekend, kids love it, uBPDw loves it, I can put up with it (it's up most of the night, and we have gates everywhere... .).  However, I would say this is the most pleasant I've seen my uBPDw in ~2 years!  As expected, even less gets done around the house now with me picking up even more of the slack, and most of her world revolves around this puppy - but there is less tension.  Now that I'm aware of BPD, I'm no longer naive to think it will last - but for now, I'll take it. 

I am happy for you. I hope that the dog is a positive addition to your home.

[Hope26]

Yes, Ydrys17, a dog may continuously give attention and show affection, and that is most likely a good thing.  It may be that the dog also will not be the target of rages and mood swings (hopefully not), though I suppose that may vary from person to person.

If I can think of one personality trait I noticed right from the get-go with my UBPDH, it's that his dog was more loved and well-treated by him than any human in his life.  He fixes the dog gourmet meals every night, and in general showers him with loving attention and affection all the time.  That doesn't bother me a bit; I only wish he were as consistent in his feelings toward me and other humans in his life.

[ydrys017]

You are correct, I heard more "I Love You" statements from her to the puppy this weekend than to everyone else combined!  She is dysregulating at me today, so as expected a puppy doesn't fix everything... .