Funny revelation today

[Bear60]

My uBPDw went to the counselor yesterday and has set an appointment for both of us on sat. She isn't sure how she likes this counselor, something was said about our communication and what ever my wife said the counselor said "he's a man", well that doesn't set well with wife.

I tried to show her articles about how men are different so that she might understand, one time she was telling me something and kept asking if I understood, finally I said I understood her feelings but I could not really understand the whole thing. She was outraged.

Well she didn't want to see the articles and don't want to hear it from counselor either so we will see.

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[formflier]

My uBPDw went to the counselor yesterday and has set an appointment for both of us on sat. She isn't sure how she likes this counselor, something was said about our communication and what ever my wife said the counselor said "he's a man", well that doesn't set well with wife.

I tried to show her articles about how men are different so that she might understand, one time she was telling me something and kept asking if I understood, finally I said I understood her feelings but I could not really understand the whole thing. She was outraged.

Well she didn't want to see the articles and don't want to hear it from counselor either so we will see.

So what do you think your uBPDw wanted to hear?

[Bear60]

Right now she only wants to hear what is wrong with me and how I need to change. She says she knows I am a man and that is what she wants but at the same time she wants me not to think like one. I do understand the differences in thinking between men and women, I do accept it, appreciate it and adjust to it.

Then again maybe it is more BPD than men/women thinking and that one I have more difficulty in accepting, do not appreciate and am trying to adjust.

An example I was trying to show her is how I can go fishing with a buddy, we will talk a little at first then can sit there for couple hours and not say more that a few words. She cant understand that and thinks something must be wrong with me, when we go together and I do the same thing it must be that I don't want to be with her. 

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

An example I was trying to show her is how I can go fishing with a buddy, we will talk a little at first then can sit there for couple hours and not say more that a few words. She cant understand that and thinks something must be wrong with me, when we go together and I do the same thing it must be that I don't want to be with her. 

This hits home.  My uBPDw's oldest son (my step) is quite the talker... .more female style than the stereotypical male (me... .).  We've discussed this at length, with and without mc.  She said she needs to connect when I get home, so I make sure we get a few minutes of "how was your day" time. 

Not good enough!  Now she complains that I'm "only" doing it because she asked me to and I wouldn't otherwise... .then she makes the leap that I have no desire to "know her" because if she hadn't asked I may come home and read the paper before finding out all the things she bought today at Kohls... .

I draw the line at only talking about "real" things... .If she wants to talk about so-and-so and what they "might" be thinking or "could" be doing I tell her that's more of a girlfriend topic... .

[vortex of confusion]

An example I was trying to show her is how I can go fishing with a buddy, we will talk a little at first then can sit there for couple hours and not say more that a few words. She cant understand that and thinks something must be wrong with me, when we go together and I do the same thing it must be that I don't want to be with her. 

I don't think this is a male/female thing. I am a female and there are times when I enjoy other people's company without all of the chatter. I am not good at small talk. I read somewhere that people that can be together and be quiet without it being awkward actually have a high level of intimacy. In my relationship with my husband, he will talk incessantly at times. He doesn't understand that part of having an intimate relationship is being comfortable with the silence without the need to talk all the time.

[maxsterling]

An example I was trying to show her is how I can go fishing with a buddy, we will talk a little at first then can sit there for couple hours and not say more that a few words. She cant understand that and thinks something must be wrong with me, when we go together and I do the same thing it must be that I don't want to be with her. 

(ditto button pressed)

It's more than just a man/woman thing for me here.  I am by nature a quiet person who does his own thing.  I've tried explaining this to her.  But me quietly trying to enjoy nature or a meal does not mean I don't want to be with her. 

[formflier]

She said she needs to connect when I get home, so I make sure we get a few minutes of "how was your day" time.  

Not good enough!  Now she complains that I'm "only" doing it because she asked me to and I wouldn't otherwise... .then she makes the leap that I have no desire to "know her" because if she hadn't asked I may come home and read the paper before finding out all the things she bought today at Kohls... .

Mind reading is a tough thing to deal with.  However you deal with it... .deal with it very softly... .challenging their mind reading capabilities is usually invalidating... .

pwBPD + invalidation= bad for you  

I am a fan of the phrase... "help me understand... ."

In this case I would not say "help me understand how you can read my mind... "... .to direct... not soft.

stay away from the word "why"

How do you think you could ask it using "help me understand... "

[Bear60]

I don't think this is a male/female thing. I am a female and there are times when I enjoy other people's company without all of the chatter. I am not good at small talk. I read somewhere that people that can be together and be quiet without it being awkward actually have a high level of intimacy. In my relationship with my husband, he will talk incessantly at times. He doesn't understand that part of having an intimate relationship is being comfortable with the silence without the need to talk all the time.

It's more than just a man/woman thing for me here.  I am by nature a quiet person who does his own thing.  I've tried explaining this to her.  But me quietly trying to enjoy nature or a meal does not mean I don't want to be with her. 

Maybe not so much a man/women thing but tendency more towards male. Vortex - I really feel this way, just sharing space together, enjoying what the other is enjoying is very intimate.   Max - I too want to be with her even if I am just quite.

I think this goes back to her worrying that those initial r/s all or nothing feelings will simply fade away, she does not see it as growing into a more intimate r/s. I tried talking to her about this couple yrs back that no I didn't want or think that it would just go away, didn't feel it was just settling in as our parents seem to have if it grows into a secure loving r/s.  I guess that is where we hit a problem, she is not secure, her emotional growth is not there.

Mind reading is a tough thing to deal with. 

In this case I would not say "help me understand how you can read my mind... "... .do direct... not soft.

This is a hard one for me, she is constantly telling me what and how I feel. I just don't see if asking her to help me understand will work. If I don't just accept what she says and question it, she says that I am just turning it around that it is her problem.

[formflier]

This is a hard one for me, she is constantly telling me what and how I feel. I just don't see if asking her to help me understand will work. If I don't just accept what she says and question it, she says that I am just turning it around that it is her problem.

Try it and see... .make sure you are soft... .a hint of question in there.  You are not saying no... .you are not saying yes... .you just need some help putting it all together.

Then flow on to "sorry you feel that way"  "that's your opinion"... ."ohhh"... ."perhaps you are right"

If she is saying you think something... .that you don't think... .never agree.

Personally... even if my wife gets it right... .I migh agree but still ask how she knows... .mind reading is a bad thing to let go on.

If she says that you are saying something that you aren't saying... .same thing... ."help me understand how go out the front door and turn right... .really means to you... .go out the back door and turn left"  (obviously a bit ridiculous to illustrate the point... .

Generally speaking... .these techniques will get them to tire of trying to do these things... because they are not getting the reaction they are used to getting... .it changes the dynamic.  We don't know exactly what they will do... .but most likely it will be different.