well he took the last of his things

So yesterday my (ex)fiancee took the last of his things from our home. I was planning to not see him but weakened and came home and tried to talk to him. It was pretty much the same pattern as always. He starts out hostile and resentful and progresses to attacking. But this time I used SET and it helped. I screwed up a few times but I just said sorry that wasn't very nice of me to invalidate how you feel it must feel terrible to feel like >... .whatever. And he ended up sitting down and telling me a few things.

- He is broke as I predicted he would be due to irresponsible purchases and will most likely have to sell the condo he bought (for the best as he got ripped off and better to lose less than more) I didn't offer to help.

- He no longer trusts anyone (thank goodness as he was so naive he trusted everyone even those people who were a terrible influence) this includes me as he thinks everyone has an agenda. I validated that it would feel awful to always think that no one had his best interests at heart.

- he questions everything now (yay) even me (fair enough)

- He has distanced himself from all his people (boo although he has terrible influence people, lots of drinking and irresponsibility and even criminal behaviour so maybe yay too).

- He is still only on an anti depressant and still telling his new psychologist that same garbage he told his old psychologist so not much progress there. He wants someone to just tell him what to do so he doesn't have to make any decisions (yay right I am not up for that) but if anyone tries to tell him anything he freaks out.

- He is having major surgery and doesn't want any help. I did offer support if he wants it. He will undoubtedly take help from his female friend of many years instead. That is what he always does. :-(

So I feel better that he was able to share these things with me and that the SET technique worked. I only let a few kernels of truth through. But they seems to be received.

He said he loves me but still has to do everything on his own alone. I have discussed this with him before. He admits that it never seems like enough. That he always has to do everything alone to feel like he has accomplished something. We have discussed in the past how its like an addict chasing a high. He said he feels like he is always chasing after me as I am so far ahead of him in life. I validated and explained how I always felt I was chasing him this past year as he was always walking out on our relationship.How I never felt good enough or thin enough or beautiful enough. And how until this past year that wasn't the case. How until his "switch flipped" once he started his new job he made me feel loved and honoured. He seems dot be able to hear it. I mentioned that my friend (who has never met him) looked through all our photos and could tell to the day when he changed because he eyes went vacant. That was the first week of his job. He seemed to hear it and internalize it.

I did manage to use SET to slip a few truths into his ideas. He told me his friends are always there for him and I am not. I reminded him that in fact they weren't (gave a specific occasion) and he acknowledged it. He claims I slammed the door on our relationship and I reminded him that in fact everything I have done was to reach out including many emails specifically saying the door was open if he is committed to getting well and that in fact he had refused all contact after verbally attacking me. He seemed to acknowledge it. He said I didn't want him to succeed financially (therefore was against the condo) I reminded him that I was engaged to him and willing to invest my significant equity with him in something more reasonable and my financial success was tied to his. He seemed to accept this as logical. HE told me some marriage advice he had handed out lately. (Hilarious I know) and after validating it I mentioned that he had done EXACTLY to me what he told his female friend was unacceptable to have done to her. He acknowledged that too. So hopefully some of it got through.

He seemed really taken aback with each validation. He would look at me and say yay it is really is hard or sad or hurtful or whatever. But it was nice to see him at least share some of his thoughts instead of locking me out for a change. It was interesting to see him start to internalize the kernels of truth too.

He told me if I met him now I would never date him, this is true. He told me he can't be around anyone right now and has to be a recluse. He told me he doesn't hardly feel anything with the effexor except more anxiety. Thats not good. i did see lots of hostility and anger coming through. He told me I have to keep on with my life which he knows I have and always will. I stayed calm. Validated tons and re-enforced that he is loved and valued and missed. Then we hugged (he held me so tight I though I would break) kissed passionately (he said its the first passion he has felt in forever) and he left. So I don't know if I will ever see him again. I think I won't. But I am glad that I went back to the house and tried to connect to him. I am glad I saw him and touched him one last time. I am glad I told him how loved and valued and missed he is.

I guess I am of the wanting to stay and rebuild the relationship category but once again the ball is in his court. Once again I am chasing. Well i truth not chasing but just getting on with my life as best I can. I wanted to thank everyone here for sharing their stories. Especially success stories. I have decided to not contact him unless he reaches out to me. He needs so much therapy and med adjustments to even begin to recover. If I am around for that he will only blame me for any negatives in his life. At least with me totally out of his life he can truly do this journey on his own. Any negative will be his own doing. His toxic friends won't be toxic because I point it out. His money woes won't be because I warned him. His loneliness won't be because I isolate him. I of course never did isolate him I encouraged him to get out and have a life but he just couldn't. He seems dot push away any healthy interactions and draw to the most toxic, irresponsible losers in life. It was hard to watch and I won't have it dragged through my home anymore. I can get on with my adventure and hopefully he can start healing on his. I will just sit here and send him love and prayers from afar and work on myself and hope he comes home once he feels better.

He has good insight most of the time. He wants to be happy. He is able to admit things sometimes and usually once he owns a responsibility he does so forever. Although I did notice a little back peddling in some of the things he said.

So I could really use to hear if anyone had long periods of no contact that ended with reunion. I am not banking on it by any means I just wondered if there is any point in keeping a candle burning in the window so to speak.

I also want to thank everyone who posts here in all the boards. They all help me keep my centre of gravity. I couldn't have done it without you.



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