Dont know what to do

[Bear60]

Last night uBPDw asks me if I am still on this board, then asks if I am private messaging anyone here. I told her no I wasn't messaging anyone and she said "if I am telling the truth" that she is concerned about it, worried I will be messaging with someone, how her ex use to.  I said I am not and could see how she might be concerned, that it wouldn't be right for me to do that and said I am not her ex. She drops the subject and gets on her phone then asks me if I had to set up a different email for this site but assured me that she wasn't checking my email. I told her no and not sure if I even had to give an email. Then she asks me to read something on her phone and it is about social media hurting relationships, that sharing private life issues in public destroys marriage. I told her that I thought they were talking more about Facebook, ect than this site. Yes it is public but no one knows or can really find out who we are. This totally upset her, snatched her phone back. She continued the discussion, I S upported "I understand you are feeling hurt" E pathy "I can understand how you might feel this way" then tried T ruth... .I explained I was here working on me, better ways to communicate for us. That is was to help us, she says if it is hurting her then she cant understand how it is helping us. Then I questioned why it was bothering her so much and she went off "you are turning it around on me, blaming me".

I then tried to table the subject till Sat when we see the counselor, again she went off "I am not a child that you can say just stop talking", I told her stopping was for me, the conversation was going no where and we could discuss it with the counselor. She started in again and I got up and walked away.

When I came back she started with how I gave her an ultimatum to get help so she is giving me one. I have to stop being on this site or she gets access to the site or we are done. She also stated that she will not change her mind whatever comes from the counselor, that if the counselor says one thing about "its a man thing" she is walking out. Then brings us the therapeutic separation.

This morning she is still upset and mentioned how "she had to dream all night about me blogging about her".

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

I can totally understand how hard it is for anyone to know there partner is discussing their private life with a "secret" group of people, and how hypocritical it all this seems. Even if it is for the greater cause.

I guess that is why we recommend that despite all this it is best kept as a secret private diary arrangement, otherwise the odds of it backfiring like this is real.

What to do? Thats a hard call. Try listing your options and next to each identify possible consequences and how each of those make you feel.

I can go to support groups, openly have books and read up about it, these are all things that my partner is proud of and knows i am doing it for us and herself. I can discuss personal stuff in meetings. But discussing here, that would be a no no, yet discussing here has had the single biggest beneficial effect for us, and her, than everything else put together.

What is best for you in the big picture?

[Bear60]

I do understand, I am not into secretive, don't like it don't do it. It is one thing she is saying, that she wont do secrets. I intentionally told her I had found this site, that it had lots of articles to help with communications and with me, that I post to help get answers, that yes I will post a scenario that I can get help me understand if I did something or what I could do different.

I felt I had to do this because I had given up the computer long ago because it was an issue with her. I have given up communication with friends, even feel that talking with my kids or parents disturbs her so I limit it. For me even to play a game on the computer was an issue even if she was playing one on her phone.

I guess one of my big questions is what triggered this last night? I wasn't on the computer, we hadn't had any r/s discussions. There are several things that happened lately;

I have had an eye infection for a week and yesterday it was spreading to the other eye so I left work early to go to the clinic and get some meds.  One of her comments was that I would blame this on her?

A male neighbor has a new girlfriend and may be moving.

An old male neighbor has broken up with his fiancé and has been texting with her, he has openly shown interest in my wife and I can see she has some for him as well. My wife had an issue when he started seeing this other girl then became friends with her (frenenmey). All I have heard is what bad things he is saying about this girl and I asked the wife if she had spoken to her. She said no. My wife feels there is nothing wrong with this, she is being open and telling me she is talking to him. She said he was coming here for the long weekend and she offered our other trailer for him to use.  I found out that she invited him for the weekend. Couple weeks ago she offered him to actually stay in our house then took it back because I might have an issue with it, I didn't hear this till after the fact.

She recently got a big promotion (at the job she hates and wants to quit), then yesterday found out on top of a big raise she is getting a sizable spending account.

We had only one car till couple days ago and we got her one so she can be more "independent".

[Bear60]

If a situation or her reaction bothers me and I do not understand then to communicate it with her does not help me understand and leads to a rage what recourse do I have. She thinks that we should be on here together if it is working for us, if I refuse then I am hiding something and simply blasting her. It doesn't matter how I try to explain bottom line is I am killing this r/s and if I continue she is done. Does not matter what happens in counseling.

What are my options? I simply stop, I have no means of keeping centered, working on issues with me. I will not be allowed on the computer with out her worrying what I am doing. In my opinion this is classic BPD FOG, isolation and control.

[bruceli]

Last night uBPDw asks me if I am still on this board, then asks if I am private messaging anyone here. I told her no I wasn't messaging anyone and she said "if I am telling the truth" that she is concerned about it, worried I will be messaging with someone, how her ex use to.  I said I am not and could see how she might be concerned, that it wouldn't be right for me to do that and said I am not her ex. She drops the subject and gets on her phone then asks me if I had to set up a different email for this site but assured me that she wasn't checking my email. I told her no and not sure if I even had to give an email. Then she asks me to read something on her phone and it is about social media hurting relationships, that sharing private life issues in public destroys marriage. I told her that I thought they were talking more about Facebook, ect than this site. Yes it is public but no one knows or can really find out who we are. This totally upset her, snatched her phone back. She continued the discussion, I S upported "I understand you are feeling hurt" E pathy "I can understand how you might feel this way" then tried T ruth... .I explained I was here working on me, better ways to communicate for us. That is was to help us, she says if it is hurting her then she cant understand how it is helping us. Then I questioned why it was bothering her so much and she went off "you are turning it around on me, blaming me".

I then tried to table the subject till Sat when we see the counselor, again she went off "I am not a child that you can say just stop talking", I told her stopping was for me, the conversation was going no where and we could discuss it with the counselor. She started in again and I got up and walked away.

When I came back she started with how I gave her an ultimatum to get help so she is giving me one. I have to stop being on this site or she gets access to the site or we are done. She also stated that she will not change her mind whatever comes from the counselor, that if the counselor says one thing about "its a man thing" she is walking out. Then brings us the therapeutic separation.

This morning she is still upset and mentioned how "she had to dream all night about me blogging about her".

Looking back at my old posts here, I was in this exact same place about 5 years ago with EXPDgf.  She pretty much did and said the exact same things your pwPD is doing and saying.  IME/IMO, they inherently know that the greater our knowledge about them, their PD, the less they will be able to gaslight, manipulate us.  Knowledge is power to us and a loss of power/control to them.

[vortex of confusion]

If a situation or her reaction bothers me and I do not understand then to communicate it with her does not help me understand and leads to a rage what recourse do I have.

Sometimes you simply have to accept that you will never understand. Sometimes you have to realize that there is no recourse. I have been hit with stuff like you have described here. Trying to talk about it or get an understanding of it drove me crazy. When I stopped trying to understand it, things got better. Usually, my husband will come clean and tell me the real reason that he flipped out on me. One time, he flipped on me because he had gotten into my text messages. Another time, it was because he had gotten in my email. Another time, it was because he had overheard me talking on the phone to one of my female friends. I was talking to her about our situation because I was trying to stay grounded. Oh, and there have been other times when he will get weird or flip out for no apparent reason. Later, I would find out that he had been acting out. Basically, he was doing stuff that he shouldn't be doing and wasn't telling me about it. I don't question him about a lot of stuff so it is pretty easy for him to do things without me knowing. It took me a while to start figuring out the patterns.

She thinks that we should be on here together if it is working for us, if I refuse then I am hiding something and simply blasting her. It doesn't matter how I try to explain bottom line is I am killing this r/s and if I continue she is done. Does not matter what happens in counseling.

Only you can decide how to deal with this. Setting boundaries is difficult especially when it comes to being able to have some modicum of privacy. I don't really do bad things but I hate the feeling of being checked up on and feeling like I have no right to privacy in any area of my life. I have slowly been trying to set some boundaries but it is difficult and I have to decide what is worth fighting for and what isn't. Do you think she would really leave or is it just an attempt to manipulate? I have had to think long and hard about whether or not I think my husband will live up to some of the things that he says or if he is trying to manipulate.

What are my options? I simply stop, I have no means of keeping centered, working on issues with me. I will not be allowed on the computer with out her worrying what I am doing. In my opinion this is classic BPD FOG, isolation and control.

You could simply stop but would that really solve the problem? In my case, it seems that I can fulfill one request only to have something else come up. Are the two of you together all of the time? Is there a way to access things quietly when she is not around? I don't like it but there are times that I have resorted to a little bit of sneakiness. If I want to have a serious conversation with family or friends, I will do it when my husband isn't home or when I am out and about. If I am having a conversation and he is home, I pretty much figure that he is going to hear things so I try to make sure that everything is "safe" for his ears. He never deliberately set about to eavesdrop. It just happened. And, I have some email friends that I talk to when he isn't home. And I changed all of my email passwords because I didn't like the idea of him getting into my stuff and getting mad about it and then not telling me what was up. If wants in my email, I will gladly let him but I am going to be there to explain whatever it is he may find rather than having him stew over it and blow up without me ever having a clue.

And, you could stop and wait for things to blow over and then come back quietly without ever bringing this place up again. You can get books or send her links to things you are reading about to help you stay centered.

[Bear60]

You could simply stop but would that really solve the problem? In my case, it seems that I can fulfill one request only to have something else come up.

No, even if I am not on this site being on computer itself will be an issue. My counselor from first BPD wife asked me the same thing then and the answer was NO.

Are the two of you together all of the time? Is there a way to access things quietly when she is not around?

Almost, I have very little time to myself where I could be on computer, today is only because I am home sick and she is upset that I will be here bashing her.

And I changed all of my email passwords because I didn't like the idea of him getting into my stuff and getting mad about it and then not telling me what was up. If wants in my email, I will gladly let him but I am going to be there to explain whatever it is he may find rather than having him stew over it and blow up without me ever having a clue.

She has access to everything else, I get no email from anyone, facebook receive very few messages - happy birth day wishes get me in trouble. There is the problem, there is no explain, its only justification of what I do wrong and blame her.

And, you could stop and wait for things to blow over and then come back quietly without ever bringing this place up again. You can get books or send her links to things you are reading about to help you stay centered.

I have tried to show her different things even examples of posts here, she wont look, just gets upset I am justifying and blame


It has now become all me and my issues, she has nothing wrong with her but me so I don't think I can go on if there is going to be no change for the better. Basically she will kick me out, at least I still have my trailer even tho it needs some work after the kids lived in it a yr., tags and tax out of date, I will end up rebuilding yet again.