Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 06:44:44 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: What to say when they claim you are not listening?  (Read 397 times)
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« on: September 05, 2014, 09:18:33 AM »

Ok... I am not sure what to say here.

Now the other night I was accused of not listening... she said I fell asleep on her for a second as she was talking.  Now a background on that.  She had been out with a friend at gotten home at 11pm.  I had work in the morning, and we had been laying in bed for 45 minutes talking (she was also playing games on her phone).  I had to be up in the morning for work.  I have told her in the past that it is harder for me to stay awake in bed.  After she snapped at me we continued talking... well she was venting at me then and left room after venting...

Last night I come home and we are on couch.  We are sitting there and she is talking and watching her show.  She had said she was tired before hand and went up to bed about 8. I followed her up and was trying to talk to her.  She then accussed me of not listening downstairs again. I do not recall any of this.  We were conversing the whole time during her show.  She would get up randomly and go do other things then come back.  She was upset one time when I didnt give the enthusiastic laugh at a joke as she wanted.  I snickered only.  So we are upstairs, she makes a passive agressive remark.  I know what is coming so I just get ready at 8 pm and get in bed.  I am lying there for 45 minutes and she is not talking to me.  I pinch myself to cause pain to keep me awake too every now and then cause I know its coming.  Then at 9:00.  She starts hammering on me on not listening and how it upsets her.  I validate that I know it doesnt feel good not being acknowledged, but I think I was listening so I do not acknowledge nor argue with that last part of blaming me.  She then goes down stairs and gets in the other bed.  I start pacing for another 20 minutes the living room worrying whats going to happen before finally going back upstairs and to bed.

This morning, I say goodbye as I am going to work and that I love her.  She refusing to say anything which really hurts when I say "I love you".  I leave... I know at some point at work today I am going to be blasted.  I am quite nervous.

I mean things have been horrible lately.  She says I do not care about her.  I mean I think I do.  She is going out with friends while I watch kids.  I am not hounding her on the fact she got a DWI or other things.  I try and talk to her all the time.  When home, I do what she wants... .ie what she wants to eat I go get cause she does not cook but rarely.  I check with kids and handle their school stuff.  We watch or do what she wants only.  When she wants to complain I listen and I do not discuss any of my problems so as not to rile her up.

I am complimenting her and giving her credit for anything I can find that she did so that she knows I appreciate it.  I am scared.  I just do not seem to be doing enough... or just falling short.

Part of me is ready for a divorce just so I do not feel like I am on eggshells.  I am hyper focused on her but I know I will miss things.  I am completely self sufficient for myself pretty much now getting not much of anything from relationship so I am not burdening her.  I do not ask for affection, or help be it around house or anything.  I allow her to do whatever she wants pretty much.  I mean I finally started putting my food down on spending.

I am tired
Logged
MaybeSo
Distinguished Member
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Together five years, ended suddenly June 2011
Posts: 3680


Players only love you when they're playing...


« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2014, 09:40:26 AM »

when you start taking better care of yourself the dynamics will change.

your list of how much you cater to her every need is what keeps this stuck.

and you will always feel tired and resentful if you keep doing this.

also, notice it doesn't fix anything anyway.

I would argue it keeps the codependent dynAmics stuck.

Let her feel her feelings ... .she doesn't feel heard. Let it be. you do t have to fix it.  you can't anyway. Let it go. Keep breathing... .she can have a bad feeling, and so can you. It's okay.
Logged

enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2014, 09:47:56 AM »

This is something that I realised after I split up with my exgf.

I did listen but I didn't hear what she was saying.

The fact that my ex was trying to tell me things but they where lost and hidden in the rest of the conversation dawned on me.

I took the conversations too literally. I didn't see the real undercurrent of what she was saying.

I hope this makes sense.
Logged

Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8817


« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2014, 09:59:03 AM »

I took the conversations too literally. I didn't see the real undercurrent of what she was saying.

Exactly.  And this is not a uniquely a BPD thing, either.

Listening to a spouse requires that we sniff around and try to understand what is really bugging them.  They might not even know. And it may not even be us.

As a typical male, I prefer life to be like a pizza... .open the pizza box and see (music please) a pizza. Our partners are far more complex than that.

I am hyper focused on her but I know I will miss things.  I am completely self sufficient for myself pretty much now getting not much of anything from relationship so I am not burdening her.  I do not ask for affection, or help be it around house or anything.  I allow her to do whatever she wants pretty much.  I mean I finally started putting my food down on spending.

Is this good for you (as you say, no).  Is it good for her?  Could this be part of what is bugging her.

Maybe your solution is not working. We all know why you are doing this.  But maybe this needs to be recast.
Logged

 
hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2014, 10:04:06 AM »

This is literally listening... well maybe more a reaction. 

ie... she is complaining about somebody for 30 minutes.  i just start saying "yes, I understand that"  It has gone too far and I do not want to fuel this anymore... or they are trap statements which a response could make things worse.  Now the other night, I was just plain tired so it is possible i slipped asleep for a few seconds.  I know a few seconds because of time on clock as I watch it.

now sometimes, I just do not want to be disingenuous and just barrel laugh at something, or she is expecting my usual witty response and nothing is coming...
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #5 on: September 05, 2014, 10:10:13 AM »

ie... she is complaining about somebody for 30 minutes.  i just start saying "yes, I understand that"  It has gone too far and I do not want to fuel this anymore... or they are trap statements which a response could make things worse.  Now the other night, I was just plain tired so it is possible i slipped asleep for a few seconds.  I know a few seconds because of time on clock as I watch it.

This is my point and one that I missed. Yes she is complaining about someone but why. She says for instance "they always look down on me at work" What she probably means is that they make her feel insecure.

Its not about what someone did with a BPD its about how it made the BPD feel.
Logged

hurthusband
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (3 years) Together (11 years)
Posts: 616


« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2014, 10:54:52 AM »

ie... she is complaining about somebody for 30 minutes.  i just start saying "yes, I understand that"  It has gone too far and I do not want to fuel this anymore... or they are trap statements which a response could make things worse.  Now the other night, I was just plain tired so it is possible i slipped asleep for a few seconds.  I know a few seconds because of time on clock as I watch it.

This is my point and one that I missed. Yes she is complaining about someone but why. She says for instance "they always look down on me at work" What she probably means is that they make her feel insecure.

Its not about what someone did with a BPD its about how it made the BPD feel.

This is the same argument.  She hates our neighbors.  I have listened and they are pushy and I have acknowledged and validated that.  I have tried calling code on them, I have confronted them about their kid, I have had them reimburse us $800 for their kid putting a scratch on her car, I have called the postal service on them.  All for her.  They honestly do not bother me.  Every day its how they are doing this, or they are doing that.  She gets mad at me cause they get a new car.  She wants bad things to happen to them it seems.  I validate that it feels bad for them to live life how they want and be pushy but never have anything bad happen to them while we struggle on 6 figures and do everything right.  (now I do not mention the fact that she is not doing everything right... ie... in past 6 months, gotten a dwi, demanded i fly her home from Europe for $2500 ticket cause she was mad at her sister, rack up $20k on credit cards, wrecked her car drunk on another occasion besides dwi, working part time when she graduated college back in December)

It then leads to how... I need to make more money... Now I make 6 figures, and she just got a job for 10 hours a week for $10 an hour which will not even cover her monthly student loans.  her personal bills from dwi, medical, spending, cell phone is about half our monthly income... nevermind taxes, mortgage, etc.

She wants me to alienate my family because she feels they are not there for her.  Now my family is trying to help her with her art... .basically i could go on and on

Everything she is mad about is about transferring her anger at herself onto being my fault, her jealously of others and my fault, and her anger at her family at my family.  A total inability to accept her responsibilties of her part as to where she is in life, accept any good in life, and accept that people are not all good nor all bad.  She fails to see that she has alienated her own family (which is fine cause they are mean to her), has my family confused, has no friends but a narcisstic personaly disorder person who they argue with each other all the time and another nice girl, but a villian when she tends to herself.  She fails to see that her psychologist says she is emotionally/verbally abusive, even if she is no longer physically abusive. 

I hear the feelings she says... but she says I do not listen it is because she is talking at midnight when I have to work in the morning about Kim Kardashian memes, and I do not give a laugh satisfactory to her, I do not feel it is fair to then accuse me of not listening because if I listened I would find it hilarious

or...

maybe I am the one ___ed up.  That is possible...
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!