I feel guilty about feeling good

[tayana]

I guess it's a symptom of dealing with a pwBPD for so long and an NPD mother prior to that.  I sort of went from one to another.  I lived with my mother until I met my current partner and she kept me from moving out by taking out credit cards in my name and maxing out my cards.  I was finally able to take care of that mess and move out by being very sneaky and careful with money and what I said.  Then I met my pwBPD and went right back into a very familiar role. 

She isn't going to be coming home from the hospital where she currently is.  She is going to be moving to a group home or assisted living facility of some sort.  I wouldn't let her come home without some way of keeping her safe.  Her self-harm and threats of suicide are scary and I don't want the kids finding her hurt.  So we have been without her for three weeks.

I have been going to visit her almost every day which means my family has been eating quick fix foods that aren't very healthy or else eating out.  She's decided we are no longer a couple and work better as friends.  I really don't care because I haven't felt much like a partner for a long time.  I feel more like a parent with an adult child who can't take care of herself because I still have to take care of the house, the kids, work, etc.  My supposed partner doesn't do anything.  The only intimacy between us is me cuddling and holding her.  I get nothing in return.  So I am actually relieved that I am no longer her "partner."

So, I've been working on projects that I've been meaning to get to but haven't been able to because I have had to take care of the BPD.  I've spent a lot of time with my kids.  I started letting my teenage son stay up a little later because my partner wanted his bedtime super early.  He's 17.  I feel closer to the kids.  I don't want to go visit the BPD every day.  I am much happier without her at home, and now I don't want her to come home at all, especially to live in my house "as friends."  We tried this in the past and she expected me to do all the duties of a partner but get nothing in return.  I feel good about myself, about getting things done, taking my kids to do stuff, etc.  At the same time, I feel really guilty because she's locked up and it's partly my fault for not letting her come home without a safety plan.  How do I stop feeling guilty.

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[formflier]

I feel really guilty because she's locked up and it's partly my fault for not letting her come home without a safety plan.  How do I stop feeling guilty.

I think you focus on the fact that you are "guilty" of making wise choices.

Also think that you realize that guilt is your feeling.

Do you have a relationship with a therapist?  Guilt is something I have discussed with a therapist before... .and found that to be an effective way to set priorities and feel less "guilty" about doing that...