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Author Topic: Dealing with Money  (Read 637 times)
Inquisitive1
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« on: September 05, 2014, 06:04:29 PM »

I haven't posted for a while because things have been going pretty well and I've been super busy. Over the last couple of weeks my dBPDw and I have gotten along well. But, over the last couple of days she's started getting aggravated with me because I am bringing up controlling our spending too much for her liking.

As background, she lost her job several weeks ago, so our income is down and we are having to use savings to keep up with bills etc... .She applied for unemployment, and when/if we get that it should put us in a better place.

Until then, I'd like to see us pinch every penny and spend as little savings as possible. To her credit she is spending very little. But, she recently bought groceries including sushi, organic milk and organic yogurt. This annoys me b/c she could have saved $20 by getting a roast chicken and regular milk/yogurt. It's not that the $20 will sink us, but the attitude these purchases represent bothers me.

When I confront her about this sort of thing, she says that I'm bullying her and she's not going to be controlled by me. And she get's mad about it. On the other hand, I feel if I say nothing, she'll start spending again.
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« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2014, 06:34:09 PM »

Yes. I have had this same discussion as the start up of my wife's business and publication of her book has eaten heavily into our emergency fund savings. 

I practiced quite a bit of SET with her, and got more involved in the monthly budgeting to ease some of the pressure she is feeling for spending. When your wife says she won't be bullied when you express a concern over your joint economic situation, she probably is not saying that she's frightened and feels a lot of pressure and responsibility. Try SET with her. "I know I would feel upset if you said I was not being responsible with our money. We do so much better when we work together on our budget. I would like to do that with you." Just an idea to ease some of the weight she may be feeling for not being employed.

Hope the current situation alleviates. BTW, organics is an area of our budget that we are passionate about. It might help to understand how she feels about that - is it a luxury or something in her core values? With two kids, we really try to find ways to make our budget work around the cost of organics in our food bill - eat less deli, eat lots more leftovers and use up our pantry. Amazing how many hundreds of dollars we have saved doing that.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #2 on: September 05, 2014, 08:43:53 PM »

This was an ongoing theme in our relationship and really had an impetus for me to want to divorce. From my experience, it never got any better. Let me illustrate for you some of the examples. And if it makes you feel any better, every time I tried to reel her in from over-spending, I was also called a bully and controlling. I was also on different occasions told that I don't love her enough or that I can't or won't support my family.

This is actually very cathartic, so here it goes:

We hadn't yet married but she was living in the UK and her car conked out. I told her I would help her make payments so that she could get something that would keep running. I saw plenty of good cars, toyotas, etc. reliable cars that were about max 4000 pounds ( about 8k US). Those were always too small. She would say, " I don't feel safe in that type of car... .what... .do you want me to die in an accident?". Before you knew it, I helped her make payments on an 8000 pound car. It wasn't that much bigger than the others.

We had just married and she was still in the UK and waiting for a visa. She sold her house. Made no money on it. Had to find a place to rent. Boy was that a fiasco. Every reasonable place I suggested she said " what... .do you want me to live in that ___e hole"? And she had to have three bedrooms. And she had to have this and had to have that. She threw an absolute fit when she found a house to her liking and said it was too much. She actually said " you live in a nice house, why shouldn't I"?

Then this is the thing that really telegraphed to me that I should have gotten out. Our funds were really dwindling. I suggested that I protract my next visit a bit, to, you know, catch up financially a little bit. She was not happy with that, took it as red, and the week that I was originally planning to come, decided to take a $3000 vacation to Spain.

My point is this: IT NEVER GETS BETTER. All the stories I have read on here about the financial aspect of the BPD, there is this common theme of financial carelessness. I am not sure what it stems from, maybe their impulsiveness, their lack of genuine concern for their partners "bottom line"?
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« Reply #3 on: September 05, 2014, 09:15:31 PM »

It temporarily fills the void and makes them feel better. My ex wife ran up around £20,000 on clothes over the years. It was that bad that one day I answered the door and the delivery man was stood there with a surprised look on his face and three parcels for her. He said "your not meant to be here". When we split up I found boxes hidden of brand new still with labels clothes.

I bought her a Mini and one day she decided she wanted a BMW. We went and had a look and I said it was too expensive. A month later she dumped me. She had been cheating on me so I guess when the BMW was flavour of the month she had already decided to leave me but fancied a leaving gift.

My exgf also insisted on certain high priced foods as opposed to a cheaper version. I can understand this now as it was all organic and I believe it helped her moods slightly. An annoying thing with her spending was she would always buy treats for her kids or things for the house even if we were skint. When I pulled her up on this her excuse was "I don't want the kids to ever feel I cant provide for them".
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« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2014, 10:30:40 PM »

It is a common problem and it is hard to address. The problem is you end up trying to change and attitude (cause) but by addressing individual issues (symptoms). Band aiding like this never solves anything and creates much conflict and resentment.

Only way I found to save my sanity is to isolate sufficient funds for essentials, Then allow any surplus if there is any for her to do as she will. If this leaves her little to play with then it is her problem to stretch it or do without. This will entail boundaries and consistency. It is not easy but its better than trying to swat flies.

You ultimately will have to accept that you can't control everything.
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« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2014, 06:30:37 AM »

 

It ultimately comes down to thinking about your values.  And a practical aspect as well... .that you have to have some money to eat and to have a house... .the basics.

So... .if money is "worth" fighting over to you... .then you need to think long and hard about how you fight.  Sometimes we (nons) can be our own worst enemies.

If money is not worth fighting over... .then don't.  This applies to any issue.  Some we (nons) get so locked in the toxic dance of fighting... .that we look for things to keep going on  because that is comfortable to us... .that's what we do. 


So... .if you have decided to fight over money... .the I recommend thinking about what a "benevolent dictator" looks like.  I think this is another way of saying what Waverider is doing. 

Just control it... .don't apologize for doing it... when pwBPD complain... .validate their emotion and move along.  Any attempt to negotiate the control of money with the pwBPD is most likely to be a source of conflict... .so don't negotiate.

The other side is also true... .if you don't care about the money... .and the practical aspect of giving them control is not horrible... .(family being on street... .no food... .no medical care)... .then let them have it... .and accept the consequences.  Don't fight over it.

Money is one of those wonderfully self limiting things... .if a pwBPD "feels" they have more than they do... .they meet reality in the checkout line.  We just have to be prepared to validate their emotions when that happens... .don't rescue.



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« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2014, 06:31:45 AM »

You ultimately will have to accept that you can't control everything.

Which is why being wise about picking your "battles" is so important in life.  Becomes more important when dealing with a pwBPD

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« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2014, 09:19:14 AM »

Thanks All for the responses and support. I'm going to try and implement Take&send's SET idea: "I know I would feel upset if you said I was not being responsible with our money. We do so much better when we work together on our budget. I would like to do that with you." The insight about her feeling frightened and responsible b/c she lost her job is helpful too.

I am generally supportive of meat and dairy organics, but would rather we didn't spend money on those at this time of fiscal constraint. Since I can't control everything, I think I'll let go of trying to stop purchase of organics. Especially since she's doing well not spending elsewhere.

I need to pick my battles and a little money on organics isn't that important in the big picture. I may wrap all this up into a bit of an apology about freaking out about the organics.

It is good to hear I'm not the only one being called a bully.
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« Reply #8 on: September 06, 2014, 12:04:52 PM »

 

I'd be interested in hearing stories from others on money battles they picked... .and battles they decided to bow out of... .

Inquisitive1,

Looking forward to hearing how it goes... .let us know.

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« Reply #9 on: September 06, 2014, 12:40:36 PM »

I deal with such situation by pointing out in a non-hostile way that it was not the wisest choice (but without blaming).

Like: "oh... .sushi... .organic yoghurt... .looks like too much luxury for the poor people like we are now... ."

It should be said in a soft non-hostile tone, main thing is to avoid blaming.

I don't know if it's a general thing, but in the same situation things like "I might be mistaken and I can't tell you what to do, but I would say it's not very wise for a man who just lost a job, to buy a new [don't remember what]" were taken normally
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« Reply #10 on: September 06, 2014, 12:48:55 PM »

I agreed to pay for my BPDs therapy. The deal was when the reimbursement check came from the insurance company it was to be signed over to me. So far I have had zero checks signed over to me. I have paid out about $1000.  When I asked about the checks she said "oh I need that money for bills."  I reminded her that we discussed the checks were to be signed  over to me. Her response as that my life is easy. I have no real bills and have no real responsibility. I stopped paying for therapy that day. I also stopped paying for anything else and all dinners movies and any extras that I might have paid for. Even took back the crap I bought her for her house.
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« Reply #11 on: September 06, 2014, 01:04:02 PM »

I normally post on the leaving board, but I thought I'd chime in and share my experience:

Me and my now xwife used to have joint economy. That didn't work because she would be overspending and she did not contribute enough financially. So we tried separate economy, but we still had shared expenses like food and house repairs. So we set up a joint account for that and put in a certain amount of money every month that we agreed would be all we should spend that month.

However, she never checked the balance of the acount but just kept spending until the payments bounced mid-month.

The root of the problem was that she never located the problem to her (or our) spending. The problem was the expenses, and that was nothing she could do anything about, was it?

Towards the end I went food shopping along without telling her, because if she came along we would buy up to five times as much wares at the store (I have checked and compared!), and she would insist of buying non-budget brands of everything.

Not being able to keep a budget is a pretty serious impairment for an adult. We're divorced now and she's still got a job and I suppose her paychek keeps her through the month, but what happens if she faces tougher times?
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« Reply #12 on: September 06, 2014, 05:49:10 PM »

I deal with such situation by pointing out in a non-hostile way that it was not the wisest choice (but without blaming).

Like: "oh... .sushi... .organic yoghurt... .looks like too much luxury for the poor people like we are now... ."

It should be said in a soft non-hostile tone, main thing is to avoid blaming.

I don't know if it's a general thing, but in the same situation things like "I might be mistaken and I can't tell you what to do, but I would say it's not very wise for a man who just lost a job, to buy a new [don't remember what]" were taken normally

You may want to avoid blaming but the bolded statement will be taken as just that. He may hear "you are stupid". Maybe "we should'nt be", might sound better

A lot depends how dysfunctional they are in this respect. Some may be positively OCD anal about spending and you might be the one trying to spend. However, if it is a serious issue it will take firm boundaries and need to remove access, otherwise it can be like putting grog at the disposal of an alcoholic, the impulse will simply override any consequences. ultimately being too stressful a temptation
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« Reply #13 on: September 17, 2014, 07:42:16 AM »

I deal with such situation by pointing out in a non-hostile way that it was not the wisest choice (but without blaming).

Like: "oh... .sushi... .organic yoghurt... .looks like too much luxury for the poor people like we are now... ."

It should be said in a soft non-hostile tone, main thing is to avoid blaming.

I don't know if it's a general thing, but in the same situation things like "I might be mistaken and I can't tell you what to do, but I would say it's not very wise for a man who just lost a job, to buy a new [don't remember what]" were taken normally

You may want to avoid blaming but the bolded statement will be taken as just that. He may hear "you are stupid". Maybe "we should'nt be", might sound better

A lot depends how dysfunctional they are in this respect. Some may be positively OCD anal about spending and you might be the one trying to spend. However, if it is a serious issue it will take firm boundaries and need to remove access, otherwise it can be like putting grog at the disposal of an alcoholic, the impulse will simply override any consequences. ultimately being too stressful a temptation

Yeah right. I know. About "man who lost a job", well, I know it is like harsh in writing, but I was saying it in kinda ironic tone (my body language was saying something different - like "we both know you'll manage, but see, right now you are exactly this thing" - this was my general attitude and he knew that), so it did not sound as harsh as it looks.

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« Reply #14 on: September 17, 2014, 02:18:30 PM »

I've had this talk with my current GF as well.  I make significantly more money than her so I pretty much pay for 99% of the things we do.  She likes to go out to eat all the time, and I do not.  She will tell me she wants to go eat here and there and I just take her, pay for it (typically 100-150 bucks for dinner as I'm in NYC) and it happens multiple times a week.

I told her one time, listen I love you and care for you, I notice though we are kind of going overboard with going out to eat and it's affecting my health and my wallet as I'm spending near 1200 a month just on dining out.

She flipped out at me and told me "what kind of man complains about money?"  She started calling me cheap, and said it's such a turn off that a man would complain about spending money.  She thinks if she's worth it the man should spend an unlimited amount of money.

Now I dont know whether she's a gold digger or not as she never really ask me to buy her things and she's typically happy with gifts and lately we've been eating out at cheaper places and she's just as happy.

This is a sticky subject to discuss, but I flipped out during the fight because I pay for99% of our dining expenses,vacations, and shopping.
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« Reply #15 on: September 17, 2014, 08:50:26 PM »

I've had this talk with my current GF as well.  I make significantly more money than her so I pretty much pay for 99% of the things we do.  She likes to go out to eat all the time, and I do not.  She will tell me she wants to go eat here and there and I just take her, pay for it (typically 100-150 bucks for dinner as I'm in NYC) and it happens multiple times a week.

I told her one time, listen I love you and care for you, I notice though we are kind of going overboard with going out to eat and it's affecting my health and my wallet as I'm spending near 1200 a month just on dining out.

She flipped out at me and told me "what kind of man complains about money?"  She started calling me cheap, and said it's such a turn off that a man would complain about spending money.  She thinks if she's worth it the man should spend an unlimited amount of money.

Now I dont know whether she's a gold digger or not as she never really ask me to buy her things and she's typically happy with gifts and lately we've been eating out at cheaper places and she's just as happy.

This is a sticky subject to discuss, but I flipped out during the fight because I pay for99% of our dining expenses,vacations, and shopping.

Its a sense of entitlement, and you are reinforcing it. It's not gold digging, that is chasing money out of greed. Entitlement is simply not worrying about money but a belief that their needs should be provided for. It is closely tied with neediness.

Which is the bigger evil you caring about wasting money, or her not caring about how much it is bothering you?... The first is reasonable and practical, the second is simply selfish and shows lack of empathy.

I think of it as every dollar not wasted, thats another dollar(+tax) not needed to be earned, so less time spent at work and more time spent at your discretion.

If you are going out for dinner multiple times a week it looses its "special" feel about it, and hence its value.

If its not causing financial difficulty as such maybe take the line that the same money could be redirected to something that gives a more rewarding experience. eg a trip away every now and then.

Its not the $ spent that is always the problem it is the prioritizing of it that is the real issue. Bang for bucks if you like.

As far as reciprocating, what effort does she put into the RS for you, even if its not a monetary contribution, how does she enrich your life.
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« Reply #16 on: September 18, 2014, 12:15:19 PM »

I've had this talk with my current GF as well.  I make significantly more money than her so I pretty much pay for 99% of the things we do.  She likes to go out to eat all the time, and I do not.  She will tell me she wants to go eat here and there and I just take her, pay for it (typically 100-150 bucks for dinner as I'm in NYC) and it happens multiple times a week.

I told her one time, listen I love you and care for you, I notice though we are kind of going overboard with going out to eat and it's affecting my health and my wallet as I'm spending near 1200 a month just on dining out.

She flipped out at me and told me "what kind of man complains about money?"  She started calling me cheap, and said it's such a turn off that a man would complain about spending money.  She thinks if she's worth it the man should spend an unlimited amount of money.

Now I dont know whether she's a gold digger or not as she never really ask me to buy her things and she's typically happy with gifts and lately we've been eating out at cheaper places and she's just as happy.

This is a sticky subject to discuss, but I flipped out during the fight because I pay for99% of our dining expenses,vacations, and shopping.

Its a sense of entitlement, and you are reinforcing it. It's not gold digging, that is chasing money out of greed. Entitlement is simply not worrying about money but a belief that their needs should be provided for. It is closely tied with neediness.

Which is the bigger evil you caring about wasting money, or her not caring about how much it is bothering you?... The first is reasonable and practical, the second is simply selfish and shows lack of empathy.

I think of it as every dollar not wasted, thats another dollar(+tax) not needed to be earned, so less time spent at work and more time spent at your discretion.

If you are going out for dinner multiple times a week it looses its "special" feel about it, and hence its value.

If its not causing financial difficulty as such maybe take the line that the same money could be redirected to something that gives a more rewarding experience. eg a trip away every now and then.

Its not the $ spent that is always the problem it is the prioritizing of it that is the real issue. Bang for bucks if you like.

As far as reciprocating, what effort does she put into the RS for you, even if its not a monetary contribution, how does she enrich your life.

interesting that you say that it's closely tied with neediness because she is an extremely needy person as well.  The thing is I also pay for vacations which are north of 5k per trip.  I make a decent amount of cash so it won't make a huge difference in my life as I'm a fairly low maintenance guy.  I asked her the very same question "what do you bring to the table?

she says says her loyalty and her heart should be good enough... .I said well isn't that a basic foundation of ANY relationship? I do that also plus 100x more.
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« Reply #17 on: September 18, 2014, 02:29:51 PM »

interesting that you say that it's closely tied with neediness because she is an extremely needy person as well.  The thing is I also pay for vacations which are north of 5k per trip.  I make a decent amount of cash so it won't make a huge difference in my life as I'm a fairly low maintenance guy.  I asked her the very same question "what do you bring to the table?

she says says her loyalty and her heart should be good enough... .I said well isn't that a basic foundation of ANY relationship? I do that also plus 100x more.

So whats in it for for you?

Why are you in this relationship? It is not an obligation, you have a choice, why have you chosen this relationship as you seem quite aware of her nature?

One of the things we work on here is not so much trying to change someone else, but how we can change ourselves so that we are not as affected, or vulnerable, to the behaviors of others.

You are willing to throw money at this person. She is attracted to that as a quality in a man. It may be simply part of the condition of her attraction to you. Take away the cash flow and your appeal to her may wane. There is only one way to find out, and that is not by asking her, you have tried that, but doing.

Live your values that you believe in, be yourself. That is your choice and your right. If she decides to walk then you have your answer.

Some people like to play sugar daddy, others think it demeaning, you seem to be sucked into it while at the same time not wanting it. Does the fact that it is an expectation take away the rewards that being generous should bring. So ultimately the generosity is not rewarding for you?

In short it is a boundary issue, because it bothers you.
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« Reply #18 on: September 18, 2014, 02:46:21 PM »

Live your values that you believe in, be yourself. That is your choice and your right. If she decides to walk then you have your answer.

That is surely the way to go, but it is nowhere as easy as you make it sound (actually, I think it would be in the case of non-BPD people).

10 years into my relationship I "changed the rules" so from being a doormat to demanding a normal amount of respect, sharing etc. She accepted that but secretly hated me for not being her doormat any more. Afterall it must mean I loved her less.

What I mean is that she may very well hate you for being being yourself and living by your values... .and *not* leave you. That's when the real hell begins.
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« Reply #19 on: September 18, 2014, 03:44:34 PM »

  That's when the real hell begins.

Can you expand on this... .?

Might be more appropriate to start a new thread.

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« Reply #20 on: September 18, 2014, 04:28:48 PM »

  That's when the real hell begins.

Can you expand on this... .?

Might be more appropriate to start a new thread.

What I mean is that a pwBPD might very well agree on things to avoid separation, and stay with you and make your life miserable - often under the pretense of being happy.

My experience is that "Here I am - take it or leave it" was a useless strategy.

I don't know about starting a thread. When originally posted in this thread I was in a "staying" situation, but that's history now.
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« Reply #21 on: September 18, 2014, 06:28:44 PM »

What I mean is that a pwBPD might very well agree on things to avoid separation, and stay with you and make your life miserable - often under the pretense of being happy.

Do you think this is a conscious strategy on their part?
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« Reply #22 on: September 18, 2014, 09:35:19 PM »

She works her job and I don't bother with any of the money she makes. I don't ned it for the house hold, and if she get's it in her head to pay on a joint bill out of her checking account because she wants to "help" it usually only leads to the overdraft protection kicking in as she runs out of funds.

After experimenting with letting her pay the bills when I was deployed, having that fail, and then having to pay all my bills from a war zone (thank God for Web based bill pay from my bank) I simply just kept the control. When we separated for a while I reopened all of the extraneous bills into my name, established a second checking account for myself, and consolidated as much debt as I could into as few accounts as possible... .(separation was wonderful for my finances)... .since she has moved back in I don't tell her what I make and I don't ask her what she makes. I pay the major bills and go grocery shopping when I have the time. I no longer go out of my way to buy specialty foods for her or any luxuries that she needs as that is her responsibility with her own money.

Soon our joint credit card will be paid off and when it is I intend to close it and let her fend for herself credit wise. I rarely float money into her account as I don't consider Starbucks, Subway, and Dunkin to be essential purchases as we have plenty of food in our home and are far from poor.

Some of the issues I contribute to BPD, most I contribute to growing up without a concept of how money works or how to manage a budget. She grew up poor, but not destitute, and still to this day her mother is willing to leverage financial security for fleeting happiness through excessive gift spending. I personally always see gifts from my BPDw as a minefield and wish that she would just honor my request for a day of peace on my birthday or other occasions as many of us nons know that peace is far more valuable than any gift that someone can buy for you.
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« Reply #23 on: September 18, 2014, 11:22:13 PM »

What I mean is that a pwBPD might very well agree on things to avoid separation, and stay with you and make your life miserable - often under the pretense of being happy.

Do you think this is a conscious strategy on their part?

That's a matter of debate, but it's what they do.
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waverider
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« Reply #24 on: September 19, 2014, 01:07:26 AM »

What I mean is that a pwBPD might very well agree on things to avoid separation, and stay with you and make your life miserable - often under the pretense of being happy.

Do you think this is a conscious strategy on their part?

That's a matter of debate, but it's what they do.

Its a natural consequence of desperate reactionary behavior.

Not sure they do long term strategies, and even if they plan one they can't stick to it. Impulsiveness tends get in the way.
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« Reply #25 on: September 19, 2014, 06:08:59 AM »

That's a matter of debate, but it's what they do.

Do you think the debate matters?
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« Reply #26 on: September 19, 2014, 08:09:56 AM »

Live your values that you believe in, be yourself. That is your choice and your right. If she decides to walk then you have your answer.

That is surely the way to go, but it is nowhere as easy as you make it sound (actually, I think it would be in the case of non-BPD people).

10 years into my relationship I "changed the rules" so from being a doormat to demanding a normal amount of respect, sharing etc. She accepted that but secretly hated me for not being her doormat any more. Afterall it must mean I loved her less.

What I mean is that she may very well hate you for being being yourself and living by your values... .and *not* leave you. That's when the real hell begins.

Sorry hurgestridge if that confused you, that response was meant for gentquality
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« Reply #27 on: September 19, 2014, 09:29:56 AM »

interesting that you say that it's closely tied with neediness because she is an extremely needy person as well.  The thing is I also pay for vacations which are north of 5k per trip.  I make a decent amount of cash so it won't make a huge difference in my life as I'm a fairly low maintenance guy.  I asked her the very same question "what do you bring to the table?

she says says her loyalty and her heart should be good enough... .I said well isn't that a basic foundation of ANY relationship? I do that also plus 100x more.

So whats in it for for you?

Why are you in this relationship? It is not an obligation, you have a choice, why have you chosen this relationship as you seem quite aware of her nature?

One of the things we work on here is not so much trying to change someone else, but how we can change ourselves so that we are not as affected, or vulnerable, to the behaviors of others.

You are willing to throw money at this person. She is attracted to that as a quality in a man. It may be simply part of the condition of her attraction to you. Take away the cash flow and your appeal to her may wane. There is only one way to find out, and that is not by asking her, you have tried that, but doing.

Live your values that you believe in, be yourself. That is your choice and your right. If she decides to walk then you have your answer.

Some people like to play sugar daddy, others think it demeaning, you seem to be sucked into it while at the same time not wanting it. Does the fact that it is an expectation take away the rewards that being generous should bring. So ultimately the generosity is not rewarding for you?

In short it is a boundary issue, because it bothers you.

That is a very good question... .it does bother me that she has absolutely no value for money.  Her belief is we can all die tomorrow so why hoard cash?  I told her there's a blance to be made.  She also treats me from time to time, and we generally have a good time.  Our sexual chemistry is also amazing.  She is also extremely loyal and honest.  It's when she has her episodes which is once every week or so, it drives me up the wall.  Maybe I'm just weak... .
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« Reply #28 on: September 19, 2014, 07:18:28 PM »

  Maybe I'm just weak... .

Maybe because you have that option its too easy to comply and go with the flow, hence you resent not only her attitude, but your own compliance/avoidance of dealing with it.

pwBPD will push boundaries as far as they can, the sense of entitlement can soak up all the freedom they are allowed. Neediness is a process it can never be fulfilled it will take until you are left with nothing but resentment. They have no sense of perspective.

They rely on you to provide those boundaries they lack, even if they fight you over them.

Having no value for money means they get little joy from it either so they need more to fill the gap. Ultimately it never works as they can't be fulfilled and end up living a superficial and generally unfulfilling life, chasing the next thrill. This can make them fun to be around, at first.

We often talk here about boundaries to protect our values, but you have to keep in mind pwBPD have weak boundaries of their own, which is what gets them in so much trouble.
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« Reply #29 on: September 20, 2014, 06:16:59 AM »

  It's when she has her episodes which is once every week or so, it drives me up the wall. 

Can you start a new thread to discuss the episodes that are once a week?  Goal could be to get a strategy to deal with those... to push them out to say... .once a month?  What difference would that make in your life?
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