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Author Topic: I can't see the light, I'm so worn out  (Read 416 times)
Jacq189

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« on: September 05, 2014, 11:54:29 PM »

I haven't posted on here in a while because things have been so bad that I haven't had the strength to explain it all and I have had very little time to myself. I still don't have the strength to go into details of what has happened so I will just say this:

Suicide threats, missing persons reports, emergency rooms, police, first appointment with community mental health staff, refusal to contact them when needed, I attempt to stick to boundary, I get thrown out of my home, demands, abuse, demands, abuse, more police, I get my car taken from me, I get my car given back, she allows me to return home, I have to constantly listen to her saying that our relationship IS OVER and she will be leaving the country at the end of the year after she has finished her studies, but I have to help her every step of the way to get through her studies. First appointment with psychologist where she makes out that all the problems in her life are because of me and she thinks everything would be fine if she left me. Few days later she finally admits she doesn't want to end the relationship.

So that has been the last few weeks/months (time is relative, it all blurs) of my life.

She is due to start DBT at the end of next week and I am hoping so desperately that some good comes of that. I am just feeling so worn out. I have to be so careful at the moment because she is looking for any excuse to blow up and not have to follow through with therapy. I am trying so hard to help her get through her studies at the detriment to my own, only to be told that she doesn't want my help because I make her feel dumb. So she has gone to study with a so called friend who is manipulative and hates me and steals from us. I feel like I cant go see my family or friends because it might set her off AND I kind of don't want to see them because they don't know about my GF having BPD so I cant vent with out them hating her and she has explicitly asked me to not talk about her to them.

I cant get a grip on not JADE'ing her, I keep getting sucked into it and then feel like I messed up completely. Every time I try to use SET now she dismisses it saying I'm "counselling her". And I find it so hard to find anything real in what she says that I can validate, I end up just sitting there in complete silence, frozen because I don't know what to say.

I need help. I need a counsellor who can understand what I'm dealing with here and can help me with these tools, someone who doesn't just try to get me to end the relationship, but it seems that's all any of them have to offer.

I feel so lonely, I miss my partner so badly.
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sweetheart
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2014, 04:57:26 AM »

Oh Jacq189 I am so so sorry that you are feeling so low.    The second paragraph of your post has been part of my life for the last 18 months, so your exhaustion and confusion really resonate with me.

Being caught in the maelstrom of BPD especially when it involves suicide attempts and other forms of dangerous destructive behaviours is soul destroying and for me was also terrifying.

I think I can hear in your post your franticness to try and help your gf sort this out, you can't, but you can start making yourself feel better. It took me a full year of trying and failing to sort things out and our situation escalated into really dangerous behaviour from my dBPDh.

What worked for me as a starting point was not to JADE. This one thing alone altered everything, because what I now realise is that whilst I wasn't arguing I was fuelling the chaos of my husbands coping mechanisms by denying and trying to explain my way through his dysregulations. I was throwing oil on top of fire and I believe now that if I hadn't taken active conscious steps to withdraw and be silent my husband would probably be dead. Yes this is extreme but it was my continued involvement in his dysregulations that were making his behaviour so much worse. It takes a while to master and I still slip from time to time, but it really works.

If you keep getting sucked in to her arguments it might be that you need to remove yourself physically from the situation. Can you do this?

Any counsellor that you seek for support will listen to what you have to say, the very act of talking through what you are going through and how you are feeling in a space and time just for you is extremely beneficial. Exploring your fear of leaving maybe as important as working out whether it is really possible to stay. Do you have someone you could see?

I understand your reluctance to look at the possibility of leaving your gf, I too refused to even acknowledge the thought of leaving my husband, I just thought if I keep on putting his needs first, love him a bit more, enable a bit extra, give up my life in order to make him better then surely he would return to the loving man I first met. I was wrong on every level, and I came to this forum exhausted, sad, a broken mess.

Your starting point is you, you are here posting, you found the forum, so every reply will be help, support and advice just for you.

Keep posting here, every opportunity you get, it's a bit of a cliche but you are not alone. To begin with posting here helped me focus my thoughts, clear my mind and start realising that I was important, my needs, wants and desires.  
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formflier
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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2014, 06:07:30 AM »

I need help. 

Welcome

And we can help.  This site is a place where you can let your guard down... .where you can build strength... .where you can find hope.

Please focus on getting regular time to come back here and check your posts for replies... .take time to read the lessons.  Take time to read them again... .


Can you describe for us what you do to take care of yourself?
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waverider
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2014, 06:37:45 PM »

It sounds like you are drowning like well intentioned rescuer.

You will have to let go for a while to ground yourself, otherwise things will continue to get worse and your actions and decisions will not be the wisest for the big picture.

The next T meeting, or the next rescue attempt, will not "fix' the big picture you are caught in a rush of band aiding attempts. All of which are disguising the real underlying problem which is her denial of responsibility for her own dramas. You being in the middle of them is preventing them.

She is driving your life and you are living reactively day to day

I have been there, it is important you step back or you will drown, and be no good for anyone.

Each morning when you get up look in the mirror and make a commitment to do something particular for ME that will make ME feel good
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  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Jacq189

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 29


« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2014, 11:24:31 PM »

Thank you everyone for your replies. I honestly can't even imagine how much worse my life would be right now if I hadn't found this place.

I guess I go through periods of feeling strong and fully capable of living this life with a pwBPD but then there are the times when I feel completely incapable and paralysed. Where it seems no matter what I do or which way I turn it will make things ten times worse. Unfortunately this is one of the latter.

Excerpt
If you keep getting sucked in to her arguments it might be that you need to remove yourself physically from the situation. Can you do this?

Sometimes I can remove myself but then sometimes she will insist I answer her questions and if I refuse she will rage, at which point she can become violent and physically prevent me from leaving. She will then make up her own answers to the questions she was asking me which gives her further reasons to rage against me. She will tell me I have to get out of the house but she will come up with demands that make it impossible/difficult for me to leave such as demanding money (I have to have complete control of our money) and not giving me my car keys until I give her what she wants. At this point I will just do whatever I possibly can to get out of the house without her seeing me leave. This is never easy because I have to take all valuables and my dog with me. Yesterday something similar to this happened. But she called me shortly after, crying and saying sorry and to come home and that she would go out.

Today is a bad day. She has decided that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and that she hates me. I am not allowed to talk to her for the next 3 months apparently, until she leaves the country and is going back to her abusive family. She is supposed to be going to her second psychologist appointment this afternoon but I doubt she will go. She is very close to raging again.

Excerpt
She is driving your life and you are living reactively day to day

I know I need to take some time for myself, I just don't know how to do that at this point. We are both home pretty much all the time a the moment. I am scared of going and spending time with friends or family because of how much she hates them it could cause further rages. My health is pretty bad so I cant go for walks and the weather is bad so I cant even just go sit outside.

I need to find a way to calm myself down. To psychologically step back and be ok in myself regardless of what she is doing. I have gotten so wrapped up in trying to help her over they past few weeks that I have forgotten how to do this. Today I will try to do this. Hopefully I wont get kicked out of my house by the end of the day :-/

Thanks again for everyone's support 

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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2014, 06:07:42 AM »

I am scared of going and spending time with friends or family because of how much she hates them it could cause further rages. My health is pretty bad so I cant go for walks and the weather is bad so I cant even just go sit outside.

In the lessons... .have you read about FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt)? 

I encourage you to go read again... .even if you think you have done this a couple of times.

This is a big picture view of life... .and an especially important situation because of a pwBPD around.

Making decisions based on "fear"... .is usually not a good idea. 

The key to staying in a r/s (relationship) with a pwBPD is to figure out what you need to do to have and live a healthy life where you can contribute to the r/s.  Then go live that life... .

How do you see the lessons and FOG applying to your situation?
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Jacq189

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 29


« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2014, 11:20:38 PM »

Excerpt
How do you see the lessons and FOG applying to your situation?

I hadn't put that much thought into the FOG before, but I went back and read the lessons again. Here is what it means to me at the moment:

Fear: that she will rage and become violent, that I am making things worse, that she will commit suicide, that she will destroy us financially, that she will not follow through with therapy, that she will kick me out of the house, that she will damage our property, harm our pets, leave me, return to her abusive family, that I will fail her, that our future dreams will be lost, that things won’t get better and I will be forced to leave her (proving her right that I would eventually leave her).

Obligation: to be her replacement family, to uphold the commitment I made to be with her forever, to prove her wrong that I will never leave her, to make her happy, to be the best partner I can possibly be to her, to provide for her in every aspect of her life that she is unable to provide for herself.

Guilt: that I am making things worse, that I have failed her because she is still sick.

It really all sounds quite absurd putting it into words and certainly makes me see how twisted my perspective and my priorities have become.

I need to take a step back and just look after myself for a while here. She is running in the opposite direction to me and I can’t chase her down. I can’t allow myself to be paralysed by fear of making things worse. Chasing after her is what will make things worse. She is going to do whatever she will do. She is not going to listen to anything I have to say at the moment so there is no point trying. I’m in the middle of a raging storm, and I’m standing outside trying to reason with the wind to not do damage to my house. I need to get inside, batten down the hatches, take the china off the window sills, wrap myself in a big cosy blanket and make sure I get through this alive. I have been so scared the past few weeks that if I do anything to upset her that she would use it as an excuse to not follow through with therapy. But I cannot control this. If she is looking for an excuse to not get herself well then she will find one no matter what I do or don’t do. She is either ready to take control of her life or she isn’t. There is nothing I can do to change that.
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empathic
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated since 2016-06
Posts: 256



« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2014, 02:27:57 AM »

I guess I go through periods of feeling strong and fully capable of living this life with a pwBPD but then there are the times when I feel completely incapable and paralysed. Where it seems no matter what I do or which way I turn it will make things ten times worse. Unfortunately this is one of the latter.

I get torn by different feelings also. One day it can feel like "OK, I can do this, maybe we can have a peaceful future", but the next day feels totally hopeless and I long for a place of my own. I'm currently trying to sort out my inability to take action with a T, hopefully it will help in the long run.

I hope you're feeling better today.
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