I see a red door...

[Marvis]

And I wanted it painted black no colors anymore I want them to be black.

Raise your hand if you're painted black for no apparent reason.

*raises hand*

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

And I wanted it painted black no colors anymore I want them to be black.

Raise your hand if you're painted black for no apparent reason.

*raises hand*

Marvis,

Tell us more about what is going on.  This is a great place to vent.


Everyone else... .I think it would be interesting to hear stories about being painted black for no apparent reason... .then talk about which tools you used... .and how you figured out why you were painted black.

What perspectives did that experience add to your journey with a pwBPDd.

[Marvis]

Got home from a VERY long night at work, exhausted,  I merely needed a nap. That was my mistake.  I don't care about his needs (aka food) I don't love him, get the "f--- out of my face before I hide. Don't talk to me for at least 4 or 5 days. You're a heartless bi---"

My brain,  it was just so tired. I just needed a few hours of rest instead I got raged at for needing those few hours. Mind you he was off work that night and slept 12 hours or so which he desperately needed. Why can't I just nap then make food, he wasn't ready for food anyway. Or here's one better, help me out and make dinner instead of me more than likely messing it up cause my brain was tired. My response was sheer dumbfoundedness.  I said I don't even know what I did wrong. When do you want food? I'm happy to make it whenever you're ready.  Then silence. I took my nap and he fed himself. Problem solved? Nope still don't care about him apparently since I didn't mommy him. Drove to work separately last night, no breaks or lunch together at work. He wouldn't even make eye contact. Ignoring me now too. We will see how it goes. I can't let it get to me because I feel myself getting to a break down point and I HAVE to protect myself from that. Everything I do, say, think, move, wash, blink is wrong. I'm frustrated but I keep trudging on.

[formflier]

Got home from a VERY long night at work, exhausted,  I merely needed a nap. That was my mistake.  I don't care about his needs (aka food) I don't love him, get the "f--- out of my face before I hide. Don't talk to me for at least 4 or 5 days. You're a heartless bi---"

My brain,  it was just so tired. I just needed a few hours of rest instead I got raged at for needing those few hours. Mind you he was off work that night and slept 12 hours or so which he desperately needed. Why can't I just nap then make food, he wasn't ready for food anyway. Or here's one better, help me out and make dinner instead of me more than likely messing it up cause my brain was tired. My response was sheer dumbfoundedness.  I said I don't even know what I did wrong. When do you want food? I'm happy to make it whenever you're ready.  Then silence. I took my nap and he fed himself. Problem solved? Nope still don't care about him apparently since I didn't mommy him. Drove to work separately last night, no breaks or lunch together at work. He wouldn't even make eye contact. Ignoring me now too. We will see how it goes. I can't let it get to me because I feel myself getting to a break down point and I HAVE to protect myself from that. Everything I do, say, think, move, wash, blink is wrong. I'm frustrated but I keep trudging on.

What did you say when he started doing this?

Try to be word for word... .if you can... .

[Marvis]

Me: I'm gonna go take a nap. I'm so tired

Him: oh f---ing great, that means I don't eat. I see how you want the day to go.

Me: I never said that, it was a long night and im exhausted. I'm happy to make food whenever you're ready.when you wanna eat?

Him: *silence*

Me: hello? You want food now?

Him: shut the f--- up before I go hide you f---ing b----

Me: ok don't say I didn't try

Him: *scoff* try? Ok. Don't talk to me for 4 or 5 days now you heartless b----. you don't take care of my basic needs, that's all I keep you here for. The 3 F's like I always tell you. F---me, feed me, free me of my burdens. You don't listen to me. I give you all the tools to deal with me but you just do whatever you want without even thinking of me first.

Me: *walked away* i was mad and ready to cry at that point out of sheer frustration. I refuse to let him see me cry.

Everything, and I mean everything I do is with me thinking of him first. I need to pee? I make sure he knows where I'm going. All I wanted was a few hours of sleep not to be told all those nasty things. Last time this happened he told me to just come home and say hey babe I need to nap then he'd worry about feeding himself. He said he knows I need more sleep than him and he understands.  I was going on that comment and was blindsided by his reaction.

[formflier]

Me: I'm gonna go take a nap. I'm so tired

Him: oh f---ing great, that means I don't eat. I see how you want the day to go.

Me: I never said that, it was a long night and im exhausted. I'm happy to make food whenever you're ready.when you wanna eat?

Him: *silence*

Me: hello? You want food now?

Him: shut the f--- up before I go hide you f---ing b----

Me: ok don't say I didn't try

Him: *scoff* try? Ok. Don't talk to me for 4 or 5 days now you heartless b----. you don't take care of my basic needs, that's all I keep you here for. The 3 F's like I always tell you. F---me, feed me, free me of my burdens. You don't listen to me. I give you all the tools to deal with me but you just do whatever you want without even thinking of me first.

Me: *walked away* i was mad and ready to cry at that point out of sheer frustration. I refuse to let him see me cry.

Everything, and I mean everything I do is with me thinking of him first. I need to pee? I make sure he knows where I'm going. All I wanted was a few hours of sleep not to be told all those nasty things. Last time this happened he told me to just come home and say hey babe I need to nap then he'd worry about feeding himself. He said he knows I need more sleep than him and he understands.  I was going on that comment and was blindsided by his reaction.

Have you read the lessons about JADE... .and validating?

Hoping you can spend some time reading to figure out what pwBPD are after when they are arguing like that... .

Let us know what you find out...

I think this forum can help you make another interaction like that much... .much better

[Marvis]

Me: I'm gonna go take a nap. I'm so tired

Him: oh f---ing great, that means I don't eat. I see how you want the day to go.

Me: I never said that, it was a long night and im exhausted. I'm happy to make food whenever you're ready.when you wanna eat?

Him: *silence*

Me: hello? You want food now?

Him: shut the f--- up before I go hide you f---ing b----

Me: ok don't say I didn't try

Him: *scoff* try? Ok. Don't talk to me for 4 or 5 days now you heartless b----. you don't take care of my basic needs, that's all I keep you here for. The 3 F's like I always tell you. F---me, feed me, free me of my burdens. You don't listen to me. I give you all the tools to deal with me but you just do whatever you want without even thinking of me first.

Me: *walked away* i was mad and ready to cry at that point out of sheer frustration. I refuse to let him see me cry.

Everything, and I mean everything I do is with me thinking of him first. I need to pee? I make sure he knows where I'm going. All I wanted was a few hours of sleep not to be told all those nasty things. Last time this happened he told me to just come home and say hey babe I need to nap then he'd worry about feeding himself. He said he knows I need more sleep than him and he understands.  I was going on that comment and was blindsided by his reaction.

Have you read the lessons about JADE... .and validating?

Hoping you can spend some time reading to figure out what pwBPD are after when they are arguing like that... .

Let us know what you find out...

I think this forum can help you make another interaction like that much... .much better

I guess I'm stubborn?  I'm having a hard time with doing the right things in the moment.  So much to remember.  Doing the best I can with what I got

[formflier]

I guess I'm stubborn?  I'm having a hard time with doing the right things in the moment.  So much to remember.  Doing the best I can with what I got

We have all been there... .it's sort of like learning a foreign language... .little by little it gets easier.

Please give the lessons a good read... .look off to the right and you will see them.

Also... .here is a link... .just in case.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

 

Stick with us!  We can help your r/s get better

[Marvis]

He left earlier, out the back door (which is out of the ordinary) without a word. No clue where he went. He has diagnosed agoraphobia so this was out of the ordinary as well. I texted him saying that I was going for a walk that I was sorry I made him upset and that I love him and miss him. Is doing things like that ok? I feel that I validated his upset and let him know that I'm here by saying I love you. I just don't know if I'm doing anything right cause nothing seems to help. No matter how I handle a situation it always seems to get out of control.

[formflier]

  I texted him saying that I was going for a walk that I was sorry I made him upset and that I love him and miss him. Is doing things like that ok? 

Using good better best... .what you did was good. 

More than likely it would have been better to just text you were going for a walk... .and leave the rest off.

He may have headed out the back door and done this to get a reaction from you... .what you don't want to do is react.  If you don't react he will tire of doing things that don't work.

Then you need to figure out things that do work... .and when he behaves properly... .validate that and hopefully he will want to do more.

Please spend time in the lessons... .post questions about what you have read there... .

You will want to re-read those many times.

[Marvis]

  I texted him saying that I was going for a walk that I was sorry I made him upset and that I love him and miss him. Is doing things like that ok? 

Using good better best... .what you did was good. 

More than likely it would have been better to just text you were going for a walk... .and leave the rest off.

He may have headed out the back door and done this to get a reaction from you... .what you don't want to do is react.  If you don't react he will tire of doing things that don't work.

Then you need to figure out things that do work... .and when he behaves properly... .validate that and hopefully he will want to do more.

Please spend time in the lessons... .post questions about what you have read there... .

You will want to re-read those many times.

I'm on it as we speak.  I started from the beginning.  Good news is he's in the same room with me. He's allowing himself, the cat, and I to all be a silent "family unit"(cat is snoring however  ). Hopefully he'll open up soon. I won't push it, I know that doesn't help.  I've been better at controlling my reactions to his "tests" but sometimes I get overwhelmed with my own feelings. I am human afterall.

[Marvis]

Still very much blacklisted. The only words spoken were as follows:

Me: you work in tonight honey?

Him: *inaudible mumbles*

Me: I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, what'd you say?

Him: stop trying to f---with me!

Me: I was only wondering.  I gotta go to bed.  I love you. *went to bed*

Got home from work and got nothing after I say good morning. His face is angrily distorted still.  Not a soft feature noticeable.  I pray that this ends soon. I'm trying to be ok with it but it's so hard when you're left in the dark while being right next to the person you didn't think would ever turn the lights out.