Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 10:18:07 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Is a "normal" conversation possible with my ex BPD girlfriend ?  (Read 2180 times)
In Pain
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 88


« on: September 07, 2014, 12:02:34 PM »

Is a "normal" conversation possible with my ex BPD girlfriend ?

It's been 7 weeks of my going NC since she broke off our 18 month relationship.

It was very hard for me the first few weeks and still is even now. I was hoping

she would contact me and open the door.

These past few weeks I have learned so much about BPD, that I feel that I may be

able to control MY actions and responses towards her in a more understanding

way. Delusional on my part, maybe, but I want to try.

She has not told me she is BPD, but I had labeled her BPD because she fits all

the characteristics.

I want to tell her that I now understand her and I am understanding of her

feelings.

I won't tell her of my diagnosis.

I know she is seeing someone new for the past 2 weeks. Is a conversation with

the hope of seeing her again even possible while she may be in the clinging /

idealization phase with a new guy ?

I understand the limitations here and the pain I may ( correction... .WILL )  be

setting myself up for, but I want to try.

Will my contacting her show too much weakness on my part ?

Is it at all possible to have a normal conversation with her ?
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2014, 06:26:03 AM »

What are you aiming to achieve in the longer term?

Is establishing "normal" conversation a means to another end?

Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
drummerboy
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 419



« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2014, 06:30:09 AM »

If you truly believe that she is BPD why on earth would you want to hook up with her in any way again? Read the posts in here if you need to be reminded how unstable and ultimately heart breaking they can be. There are tons of mentally healthy women out there, why even consider going back to a BPD?
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2014, 07:25:20 AM »

If you truly believe that she is BPD why on earth would you want to hook up with her in any way again? Read the posts in here if you need to be reminded how unstable and ultimately heart breaking they can be. There are tons of mentally healthy women out there, why even consider going back to a BPD?

As this is the Staying Board we have to examine  In Pains reasons for staying so that he can work through what is possible, and what is not. If it turns out that nothing positive can come of it then coping with the potential that its a done deal can be dealt with on the Coping boards. Looking at things through Staying eyes first can often help with clarity and help you move forward, whichever way that takes you.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
In Pain
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 88


« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2014, 11:31:36 AM »

Thank you for the comments.

First and foremost, we all have to remember, that even though these people have hurt us in the past, and will most likely hurt us again in the future if we let them, at one time we loved them.

I am fully aware that a normal conversation is not possible, but I guess I keep hoping for the fantasy of normalcy.

Maybe I need to be kicked in the head a few more times to get the point across to me !

Just because I fully understand BPD and its illogical characteristics... .Doesn't mean I want to give up on useless hope !

How's that for logical !

This website has been invaluable to me for seeing how terrible this disorder is. It's sad.

Thx
Logged
fred6
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 808



« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2014, 01:20:07 PM »

Thank you for the comments.

First and foremost, we all have to remember, that even though these people have hurt us in the past, and will most likely hurt us again in the future if we let them, at one time we loved them.

I am fully aware that a normal conversation is not possible, but I guess I keep hoping for the fantasy of normalcy.

Maybe I need to be kicked in the head a few more times to get the point across to me !

Just because I fully understand BPD and its illogical characteristics... .Doesn't mean I want to give up on useless hope !

How's that for logical !

This website has been invaluable to me for seeing how terrible this disorder is. It's sad.

Thx

There's nothing wrong with you trying to work things out. However, she did break up with you. I'm in the same situation and I've actually had to still live with my exBPD for the past 6-7 weeks. I've tried to talk to her many times to no avail. She just doesn't care about me anymore because she has a replacement for me. Basically she has been horrible to me since I caught her cheating and lying. You may find in time that she has been seeing this other person longer than you think she has, probably before she split from you.

From what I gather, most BPDs will recycle the relationship. However, some BPDs will never contact the NON again for whatever reason. I only tell you this because I feel you are in for a big letdown either way. If she does recycle and you reciprocate. She's only doing it for her own perceived needs at the time and the next time she cycles or when she thinks that something better has come along, you are again thrown out with the garbage. If she doesn't contact you or accept your ideas of reconciliation, then it's over anyhow and you should move on.

My exBPD has made it painfully obvious that she has no interest in me anymore. So I am leaving soon and will try my best to move on and not contact her. If I were you, here's what I was going to do until I realized it was pointless. I was going to still move out and give her space. I was going to let her know that I was open to making the relationship work. I was going to let her know that there were some conditions to allow her to continue to be a part of my life(get rid of new dude, get some professional mental help, couples therapy, and back on the depression medication). I was then going to leave the ball in her court and let her know that I wouldn't wait around forever for her to make this decision. I love you, good luck, and then immediate and absolute NC. Would that have worked? I don't know, probably not. But it's the best I could come up with at the time. You can't pressure these people and you can't reason with these people or use logic. In my opinion, they have to want to fix themselves and probably won't until they hit bottom. You should prepare yourself for the reality that she may never hit bottom and just cycle indefinitely. This cycle can and probably will go on for the rest of her life.
Logged
In Pain
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 88


« Reply #6 on: September 08, 2014, 04:19:50 PM »

I am 6 weeks into my NC. She broke up with me.

Yes, it has been a painful 6 weeks, the first 4 were excruciating. But I have learned so much in the past few weeks from reading reading reading. And while I could and in fact I am willing to backslide to be with her, here's how I have come to reason the whole 18 month relationship.

18 months !

It was NEVER an emotional relationship for her. Not like the rest of us view emotions.

She's a borderline !

Not... .She had issues.

Not... .she has BPD

Not... .she is sick

Not... .she has emotional issues from a terrible upbringing.

She's a borderline.

I view her as an object.

She's a borderline.

Almost like an alien.  Another species.   Not of this earth, not of this culture.

By making her a foreign object, I am able to view her actions as normal for that species... .but not normal for my species.

If I want to visit that planet again, ( which I know is a mistake on my part ) I must do so using her set of rules.

Can I do this ?

Maybe, maybe not, but I want to try just once.

Don't get me wrong, I have gone from feelings of incredible hurt, to love, to great compassion to now finally detachment.

And next week the cycle may start all over again. But for now... .

She's a borderline.

To those of you who are offended by this characterization, I mean no disrespect to the BPD community. But this is how I need to think so as to detach myself.

She's a borderline.

Just so you know, here is what I have been through:

Lying, cheating for 18 months ! fights, fights fights, arguments and accusations that made my head spin around... .twice !  A Domestic Violence police report I filed on her... .Yes, her... .with photos ! I've been through it all.

And now, with all I know... .Here's the amazing part:

I feel no anger towards her.

I feel no jealousy about the guys she was banging during our relationship and even the new guy now.

Why ? Why ? Why ?

I now know it was never personal towards me.

She's a borderline.

This is what they do.

She's a borderline.

It was not a conscious effort to hurt me.

She's a borderline.

The guys she was cheating on me with... .She needed that. And I was banging her almost 5 nights a week !

She's a borderline.

She's a borderline.

She's a borderline.

This is the detachment I need.

For the past 2 years I have been attending relationship classes ( the positive

relationship techniques didn't work on her... .She's a borderline.  All bets are

off ). Last night I attended a group session where we discussed for the first

time that my ex is a borderline. The moderator suspected this weeks ago but

didn't want to suggest it just yet. I came away from this meeting with a

strength I haven't had in 3 months. All her actions made sense. Total sense.

So today I am feeling great, I have clarity. I write what I write from a position of strength, understanding and detachment.

She's a borderline.

So, I want to try to see her again with my new found knowledge. I want to try, "thinking" I have the upper hand now. I want to try this dangerous game one more time. But this game is only dangerous for me, not her.

She's a borderline.

But I am fully aware that it may result in my coming back to this board a total emotional wreck... .as I cry in my corn flakes !

She is still on my mind 24 hours a day... .Just in a different way. ( most of the time  LOL )

Again, no disrespect to anyone here on the website, and I don't want to appear arrogant, this is just how I need to think right now.

Thx

PS

I think that if I am in her presence with my current state of mind, her sharp borderline instinct will take over and she will read me as not weak enough for her clutches and run away for an easier mark.

Remember:

She's a borderline !
Logged
christoff522
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 397


« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2014, 04:23:38 PM »

Is a "normal" conversation possible with my ex BPD girlfriend ?

It's been 7 weeks of my going NC since she broke off our 18 month relationship.

It was very hard for me the first few weeks and still is even now. I was hoping

she would contact me and open the door.

These past few weeks I have learned so much about BPD, that I feel that I may be

able to control MY actions and responses towards her in a more understanding

way. Delusional on my part, maybe, but I want to try.

She has not told me she is BPD, but I had labeled her BPD because she fits all

the characteristics.

I want to tell her that I now understand her and I am understanding of her

feelings.

I won't tell her of my diagnosis.

I know she is seeing someone new for the past 2 weeks. Is a conversation with

the hope of seeing her again even possible while she may be in the clinging /

idealization phase with a new guy ?

I understand the limitations here and the pain I may ( correction... .WILL )  be

setting myself up for, but I want to try.

Will my contacting her show too much weakness on my part ?

Is it at all possible to have a normal conversation with her ?

Right, from my knowledge of my BPD. I'm going to do my best to help you.

Your girl (lets call her 'B' is rebounding, she has to somehow mask the pain she feels in breaking up with you because for her she feels the pain will never end. So she's jumped into a relationship ASAP. Now it doesn't mean she doesn't care for you, she would have impulsively finished and probably regretted it very soon. It's perfectly normal for you to want to get back with her, I went through stage upon stage, anger, disbelief, even a spate of narcissism - believing her inferior to me and unworthy of my pain. Don't you worry.

You must NEVER EVER EVER mention that you think she is BPD - not whilst you are apart. If she researches it she will be devastated that you could think that about her and she will hate you for it. I was lucky, she had no idea of what BPD was, and in her research failed to understand the diagnosis and symptoms and so she just said "I'm not like that". Do not mention it whilst apart.

Idealization, its a funny thing, its not always going to be "you are my god" or "i love you i love you i love you". Its an exagerration of feelings. But its still 'real'. A lot of people think Idealization to be false or something and meant to 'hook you in'. No its not. B was not being malicious when she idealized you, she simply saw everything good in you and multiplied it times ten. But, if you're unable to deal with that emotionally, it can go to your head and be like heroin for you. The first thing you should do if you're worrying about her idealizing someone else is treat it as if she's 'normal'. It's all it is - its the beginning of a relationship and it could go either way. Most guys won't stand for the devaluation phase, we're caretakers and thats why we're here on this forum. Do not speak to her, trust me when I say she WILL RETURN. Mine returned 3 weeks into a new relationship, when I discovered she was with someone it made me go ape, I couldn't believe she was with someone else. But trust me, its still not the end. Just because she idealizes him doesn't mean she doesn't still care for you.

An interesting thing to note, the pain you feel about her, is really about yourself. Why are you so upset about her? Is it because you don't want to be alone, you want to care/fix her, you're worried that this new person may in fact replace you and you'll now mean nothing to her? I know it is. It stems from your own childhood issues, and before you can entertain helping her or having some sort of relationship with her again, you MUST deal with those problems first.

When my girl left I went into shock, I couldn't believe she had left, but what I was feeling was essentially what she feels all the time. I was abandoned, lonely, so much I wanted to say which I couldn't. The closure we all so seek after a BPD breakup is this - it's to know they cared... and because of the nature of the illness we cannot always get such a resolution. The truth we need to know is that WE CARE ABOUT OURSELVES, we don't love ourselves, thats why we get so deeply invested with a BPD relationship. The problem is that lack of self-love is useless in helping a BPD sufferer, yes your desire to help is there, but it will always come from a position of our OWN weakness. You want to help them to fulfill some need in yourself. Thats why you feel empty when she left.

You, as do I, have some issue in our past, unresolved problems, they will always be exacerbated by an encounter with a BPD with any level of intimacy. Theres also so many subtle ways in which a BPD will test and manipulate you - beyond their and your own understanding. They project their own concerns, self-hatred and fears upon you, and expect you to understand as a parent would. Thats the role we have.

Also, when a BPD rages at you, insults you, when it hurts - its because of your own insecurity. The BPD actually when she screams and shouts at you about your inadequacy - shes really talking about herself. Understand that, and it will save you SO MUCH HEARTACHE.

When she left, it wasn't saying anything about you, it was all about her, her weakness, her realisation that you are not a therapist and are a frail and fragile human being caused her to resent you, and to resent herself. One thing my BPD said to me once is "I hate how much I need you!". See a BPD's desire for you comes from need, not from love. Now that doesn't mean that they don't love you (in their own way). But her need for a saviour, he fear of abandonment and her impulsivity always means that they will leave.

Now to get her back, fear not about the new guy, the relationship will end. She also will contact you, if you're friends on facebook, send her a "hi, I know we're not on good terms right now, but when you feel better feel free to send a message, I'm quite happy to be friends Smiling (click to insert in post) Hope you're happy xx" It doesn't matter if you become friends, and you saying that will take a lot of pressure off. It will allow her to see you in a good light again. After that do not send a message again, even if she replies. She may have a go at you, she may rage, or she may be nice. Chances are you will get an apology either in a few hours, days or weeks. It will come (your mileage may vary). Then just leave it. Work on yourself, hit the gym, get books on self confidence, go into therapy about whatever is holding you back. Hit the clubs, make new friends, Throw yourself into a new hobby. Work on YOUR self-esteem. Come to the realisation that the only thing you can do with a BPD is know that they have it - you cannot save a BPD, you cannot make her better, however you can deal with your interactions with her, put her on good behaviour, and eventually, hopefully, maybe... coax her into therapy. You must set boundaries with people, stop others from making you a doormat. Become 'alpha' in your own way.

Then, maybe in a few months you'll get a message "happy birthday", "merry christmas", "happy new year". Thats your cue, start slowly and understand this... for a BPD "i love you" means nothing. Its words she's heard a hundred times, all from people who have hurt her, let her down, lied to her, maybe even abused her. What she needs from you is to be around, to not judge her for her illness. Your love will be shown by your actions, by your setting boundaries, by your being a dominant force in her life. You also CAN NOT ever back down from your principles and beliefs (which means you have to have some). You must be the strongest YOU that you can be.

Only then will you be able to have an actual conversation with her. I'm going to PM a link to you. I probably shouldn't do it, but it'll be a link to a PDF ebook and audio set. I paid for it last night (for you it's a gift), read the 66 page book that day. Changed my perspective tbh.
Logged
In Pain
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 88


« Reply #8 on: September 08, 2014, 04:35:14 PM »

Thank you for that last response.

Clear, concise and supportive.

Still digesting... .

Hopefully my last post was not too aggressive. LOL

But it was for me... .not her.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2014, 04:48:10 PM »

Be careful you don't slip into rescuer mode.

Rather than focusing totally on wht she does/thinks the way she does, keep working why you think and act the way you do.

Cristoff522 makes some good points.

You cant control nor rescue your ex.

If it does come to pass that you recycle then you will need more independence so that it does not affect you as much. Be willing to let go, if that is necessary, goes a long way towards moving forward whatever happens.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
fred6
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 808



« Reply #10 on: September 08, 2014, 05:29:54 PM »

 
Do not speak to her, trust me when I say she WILL RETURN.

I agree with all of christoff522's post and advice, except the above. Not all pwBPD will recycle from some of the research that I've done. Some will just split black and be gone, jumping from guy to guy indefinitely. Maybe from guilt, shame, or because they can't admit being wrong, who knows. Having a plan and following through is a good thing. However, going forward, I wouldn't get my hopes up or have any certain expectations. Good luck
Logged
In Pain
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 88


« Reply #11 on: September 08, 2014, 05:42:12 PM »

Does she know she has BPD ?

Well, I don't know.

When we first met, she said she was seeing a therapist. In fact, she once told me the herapist said I was not good for her anymore and we should break up. No mention about the therapist in the past 6 months. My suspicions are that the therapist said the exact opposite. ( my ego talking ? )

In fact... .When I look back on the relationship, there were so many lies told by her... .So many !

Projecting... .She was big in that I now see. She accused me of having girlfriends out of town when I traveled for business. I should have been so lucky !

I suspect she may be more aware than many BPD women. But given her strong will, she is most likely in denial, and stopped therapy.

She had an incident of carving in the past 5 ? years, while the children were home with her. This caused her to loose custody of her children back to the ex-husband. I have to assume there must have been "some" discussion of the causes. And I'm sure this can't be the only difficult situation this person and family has faced.

Maybe the family and ex are just so tired of her crud at this point they just let her be.

As far as the new guy she is seeing... .I understand it’s a rebound. Like I said, I feel no jealously, ( ok, a little ) but in truth, I approach this now with understanding. And it makes all the difference.

Again... .

She's a borderline.

It all makes sense.

In the 18 months we never became Facebook friends. So to friend her now would be weird and she may refuse. I can text, email or call.

I like the idea of just sending a hello……... and leaving it at that.  I just don’t want to appear weak.

I previously wrote :

In the month before we broke up she told me of the carving incident for the first time, and she let me read a book she wrote of her childhood upbringing. I think the book was a cathartic exercise for her. Anyway, It was a major hook for me to develop compassion for her... .It was also, I believe, the only way she could communicate with me her deepest feelings and emotions. But I don't think she was ready for me to actually digest the content of the book and begin to really understand her issues. This scared her... .And... .She ran away. She said she regrets giving me the book... .But I don't believe it. It was a self fulfilling prophecy... .Show her emotional side, I care, she gets scared, she runs away.

Maybe it was her way to show me her problems and actually make me realize what I

was dealing with and that she didn't want to cause me any more pain. Or maybe she just doesn't give a damm about me... .And this is my ego talking !  I like to thing she cared.

Within 2 to 3 weeks after we broke up, there were two incidents that really confused me.

We both ended up at the same local hangout. She was with friends and had a date both times, I was alone. I never went up to her or approached her, but when she spotted me from across the room, she bolted out the door very fast both times. I thought " Am I so toxic " !

It made me confused and upset for several days.

I'm not a jerk, I would not have approached her, or if we did bump into each other, I would just say hello, no more. Friends have said she ran because she still had feelings for me. So upsetting to say the least.

Questions:

Are my observations somewhat accurate or am I totally living in my own dream ?

Do you think she thinks about me at all... .Or am I out of sight, out of mind ?

Will she ever contact me again ?
Logged
fred6
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 808



« Reply #12 on: September 08, 2014, 06:10:54 PM »

Questions:

Are my observations somewhat accurate or am I totally living in my own dream ?

I'm sure that they are somewhat accurate, but you are in an emotional state right now so they may not be totally accurate.

Do you think she thinks about me at all... .Or am I out of sight, out of mind ?

Well, that's a tough one to answer. In my situation, I still live with my ex and she pays me no attention at all. Unless she needs something from me, I might as well be dead or a pane of glass. But she says she loves me and that I've done nothing wrong. Makes no sense and hurts like hell. Makes me think that when I leave that I'll just be another guy on her list and then forgotten.

Will she ever contact me again ?

That's the magic question I ask myself everyday, but I guess I can't worry about things that I can't control.

On an off note, she just now came home and asked how long home made spaghetti sauce is good for if it was made last Thursday. Normally, she doesn't talk to me. She needed something again. I told her to eat it and see what happens, hahaha... .
Logged
In Pain
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 88


« Reply #13 on: September 08, 2014, 06:17:02 PM »

FYI

Soon after we broke up, I sent her a Hi / Goodbye letter as recommended by my relationship group. They did not know she was a borderline yet.

The structure:

What I liked about you

The pain I am feeling

What I want in a relationship

What I don't want in a relationship

The lessons I've learned, I love you, goodbye.

The letter was very toned down and not accusatory. In fact my letter was very respectful and was sent from a total gentleman. It contained more love than hurt.

I now know this was a useless letter ... .Shes a borderline !

I believe most women and most women like this get 2 kinds of letters:

Take me back, I'm sorry

Or

Go F yourself !

The problem with my letter is she can't show it to any friends because a normal girl would say: This man loves you, this man respects you, don't throw this letter or this man in the garbage just yet. She also can't paint me black if a friend sees the letter.

She received the letter at 10 am. A normal person would read the letter, at least twice, digest it and then respond. She responded 15 minutes after signing for the letter.

She said I'm glad you know what you want and don't want in a relationship.

Goodbye.   ( not the response I was hoping for )

60 seconds later came the denial text.

She said we had some good times and some bad times, but the reality is I was never committed to her or the relationship. And that's the truth !

I responded that night at 11:30 pm !

With:  I'm glad you got the letter, I wish you all the best.

She responded in 20 seconds:  You too!

She was waiting all day for my response. I did not want to ignore her, but I didn't want to play her texting game either.
Logged
In Pain
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 88


« Reply #14 on: September 08, 2014, 06:32:31 PM »

Thank you for the book.
Logged
christoff522
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 397


« Reply #15 on: September 08, 2014, 06:56:50 PM »

Does she know she has BPD ?

Well, I don't know.

When we first met, she said she was seeing a therapist. In fact, she once told me the herapist said I was not good for her anymore and we should break up. No mention about the therapist in the past 6 months. My suspicions are that the therapist said the exact opposite. ( my ego talking ? )

She knows that something is wrong with her. She will have spent a lot of time wondering why everyone leaves, wondering why people have told her shes crazy. Remember that you're not the first person she's encountered and 'fell in love' with. A lot of therapists do tend to point towards the bf. She probably talked about you in a not so pretty light. Mine had a counsellor, and the other day she told me that "in my counselling sessions, I talked about you a lot". She used to tell me about her counselling sessions, but in my opinion she never really told me 100% truth about what her therapist said, only what she felt was pertinent. But yes a lot of therapists tend to be bat___ themselves, thats why they go for psychology, to try and figure themselves out. There are good therapists out there, but any good therapy book will advise you to watch out for red flags from therapists. That particular therapist in your case was probably a feminist, and the BPD girl was probably not completely truthful to her therapist.

Excerpt
In fact... .When I look back on the relationship, there were so many lies told by her... .So many !

Don't take it to heart, she lies to everyone, even her mother, brother, sister, grandma, best friends... everyone.

Excerpt
Projecting... .She was big in that I now see. She accused me of having girlfriends out of town when I traveled for business. I should have been so lucky !

1. a ___-test

2. abandonment fears

3. projection because she was probably skyping and texting other guys (again don't take it to heart)

Excerpt
I suspect she may be more aware than many BPD women. But given her strong will, she is most likely in denial, and stopped therapy.

BPD's don't think like you and I, most days are a complete blur, or a tapestry of images and emotions. She will always be in denial, therapy is managing symptoms, and if theres enough of a consciousness and awareness, dealing with core issues.

Excerpt
She had an incident of carving in the past 5 ? years, while the children were home with her. This caused her to loose custody of her children back to the ex-husband. I have to assume there must have been "some" discussion of the causes. And I'm sure this can't be the only difficult situation this person and family has faced.

Theres quite a conspiracy in therapy to avoid BPD at all costs. It's practically untreatable apart from a few experimental therapies (that have been very successful in some cases). But a lot of therapists avoid it, and others simply don't want to deal with it. She was probably diagnosed with depression. Also, when dealing with a BPD family member (as I'm sure you're aware), something called denial kicks in.

Excerpt
Maybe the family and ex are just so tired of her crud at this point they just let her be.

Probably they enable and appease her, also some members are likely to be BPD/narcissists themselves

Excerpt
As far as the new guy she is seeing... .I understand it’s a rebound. Like I said, I feel no jealously, ( ok, a little ) but in truth, I approach this now with understanding. And it makes all the difference.

I have to be honest but what I saw up there was no different than how your BPD saw you. She's not just a BPD, she's a person. By simply saying:

Excerpt
Again... .

She's a borderline.

It all makes sense.

You are avoiding your own issues. Deal with the pain, cry, thump a pillow, but one day you will realise that despite the disorder, she's still a person, and she did care about you. I used to think of them as predators, but really, they're abuse victims, trauma sufferers. They're Peter Pan, never grew up because something in their life held them back. Something more horrific than we are likely to have ever encountered.

Excerpt
In the 18 months we never became Facebook friends. So to friend her now would be weird and she may refuse. I can text, email or call.

Wow, maybe she's more advanced in the condition or something. Yes I agree, try your best to be consistent in your behaviour. You don't have to text her, you can just leave it. If you do decide to contact her then you're best texting. It's less intrusive for her. I don't know the situation 100%  so I can't really make a judgment but make sure that whatever you say is neutral (no i love yous) or anything. Also don't expect her to be all "oh baby i miss you so much" it won't happen.

Excerpt
I like the idea of just sending a hello……... and leaving it at that.  I just don’t want to appear weak.

Just saying hello is pointless. You're wanting to leave a lasting message without being pushy. You're basically opening a door. Saying "Hey, I know we're not on good terms right now, but when you feel ready you can text me and we can be friends" Is basically acknowledging the situation, and saying  " I'm here! You're welcome to enter my life". Saying we can be friends removes emotional entanglement, its saying that you're not going to start sobbing uncontrollably or something or push her into emotional crisis. The reason she ran is because she thought YOU would leave, it was pre-emptive. You're basically showing her you wouldn't leave - that builds trust (which is the most important think to sustaining a BPD relationship.

Excerpt
I previously wrote :

In the month before we broke up she told me of the carving incident for the first time, and she let me read a book she wrote of her childhood upbringing. I think the book was a cathartic exercise for her. Anyway, It was a major hook for me to develop compassion for her... .It was also, I believe, the only way she could communicate with me her deepest feelings and emotions. But I don't think she was ready for me to actually digest the content of the book and begin to really understand her issues. This scared her... .And... .She ran away. She said she regrets giving me the book... .But I don't believe it. It was a self fulfilling prophecy... .Show her emotional side, I care, she gets scared, she runs away.

Maybe it was her way to show me her problems and actually make me realize what I

was dealing with and that she didn't want to cause me any more pain. Or maybe she just doesn't give a damm about me... .And this is my ego talking !  I like to thing she cared.

No, she thought that because you read the book you would run. Thats why that text, thats why it's so important. By saying you can be friends, for her it means you're there FOR HER, not for your own sexual desires or selfish reasons. Also yes, she probably thought you deserved better. They hate themselves. It doesn't matter anyway, if you do want a relationship it must come naturally, without the idealization and false expectations. SHE DID AND DOES CARE.

Excerpt
Within 2 to 3 weeks after we broke up, there were two incidents that really confused me.

We both ended up at the same local hangout. She was with friends and had a date both times, I was alone. I never went up to her or approached her, but when she spotted me from across the room, she bolted out the door very fast both times. I thought " Am I so toxic " !

No no no no, the amount of emotions she would face (guilt, self hatred etc) would overwhelm her. Remember that a BPD when she has negative emotions, she thinks they will last forever, she sees no escape. She has to run, to protect herself from perceived annihilation.

Excerpt
It made me confused and upset for several days.

I'm not a jerk, I would not have approached her, or if we did bump into each other, I would just say hello, no more. Friends have said she ran because she still had feelings for me. So upsetting to say the least.

Out of sight out of mind. Seeing you brings it all back. Your friends are right. Remember though ITS NOT ABOUT YOU! Its about her and her suffering, which I'm sad to say is far greater than anything you will ever ever experience, and she suffers this on a daily basis.


Questions:

Excerpt
Are my observations somewhat accurate or am I totally living in my own dream ?

Only you can judge what you've encountered, It sounds to me like it was an impulsive breakup, that she's trying to heal (she's probably gone quite off the rails since) and theres a good chance she regrets it

Excerpt
Do you think she thinks about me at all... .Or am I out of sight, out of mind ?

She wants you to be out of mind, hence her running, which shows you're not. Of course she misses you, she's not a robot. In fact BPDs feel great extremes of emotions. Theres no middle ground, so when she misses you SHE MISSES YOU, and when she hates you and blames you, boy does she.

Excerpt
Will she ever contact me again ?

As another member has said, I'm not a prophet. But I'm gonna say it, based on what you've said, yes she will. Send the text, don't expect a reply, then get on with your life. Theres a VERY good chance she will contact you. But you have to open a door otherwise she may feel too uncomfortable to re-initiate contact. Also if she does, it won't be hearts and flowers, she may appear to be a different person, but you will (hopefully) find a middle ground, its possible to reignite the relationship. But work on yourself, do it from a point of power not weakness.

I'm not back with my BPD, she has a "partner" now. But she text me the other day to ask MY OPINION on whether she should have a tattoo or not. she likes pretty much every pic I put on instagram. Her interest is growing. I'm not worrying about her relationship because they will always break up. I'm working on being a better me so that I don't screw up again if that opportunity to have an actual mature relationship arises. But I'm also spinning other plates. Your BPD will tell the difference, she will essentially view you as a different, more attractive person, and will drop the old idea of you being a weak beta that she originally chose to counsel her.

Be strong, and please read the PDF on the link I sent you - it really is important, theres not much else like it on the web.
Logged
christoff522
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 397


« Reply #16 on: September 08, 2014, 07:14:30 PM »

FYI

Soon after we broke up, I sent her a Hi / Goodbye letter as recommended by my relationship group. They did not know she was a borderline yet.

The structure:

What I liked about you

The pain I am feeling

What I want in a relationship

What I don't want in a relationship

The lessons I've learned, I love you, goodbye.

The letter was very toned down and not accusatory. In fact my letter was very respectful and was sent from a total gentleman. It contained more love than hurt.

I now know this was a useless letter ... .Shes a borderline !

Again you're misjudging BPDs, that letter probably meant a lot to her! This is why you need to get an education on what BPD is. A good book to read is "Lost in the Mirror": www.amazon.com/Lost-Mirror-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/0878332669 Written by a good therapist.

I will say this, don't worry too much about making a fool of yourself, she's used to people doing this stuff. But mostly what she needs is space. Thats why you must not break no contact (except to send that one text) - let her come to you. She may have felt overwhelmed and engulfed. Most of all she knew you would leave, it was better to leave you than suffer eternal pain.

Excerpt
I believe most women and most women like this get 2 kinds of letters:

Take me back, I'm sorry

Or

Go F yourself !

The problem with my letter is she can't show it to any friends because a normal girl would say: This man loves you, this man respects you, don't throw this letter or this man in the garbage just yet. She also can't paint me black if a friend sees the letter.

WOAH - you seriously think that? Yes most women get those letters, and of course she could show it to her friends. I'm guessing you're new at your BPD investigations. BPD's have a tendency to smear when wronged. But also the knowledge that you will leave (irrational as it is) causes BPD's to create a false reality, so she could easily say to her friend "look at what this weirdo sent me, he was crazy!" and the friend will believe it. But no worry here, I don't think that happened in your case. Her friends may not have even knew about you. But remember, it's NOT PERSONAL, its simply to protect her fragile mind from pain. You're also not painted black. Painted black means hated, she doesn't hate you. She simply cannot cope to be around you. Some of these terms are a little bit over the top, and are used by hurt people in the same way a BPD sees only bad and good. But she will see you as bad and good in the same day! its not some permanent thing, its how she copes with pain, so when you're nice - you're 'white' when you're mean you become 'black'. Its not some sort of forever and always thing. it's just a coping mechanism. At the point of discard you were bad - she couldn't cope any more. By the end of the day you may be white - but it's too late now she's dumped you. Filled with guilt and shame she retreats to her bedroom and drinks vodka and doesn't move for three days. She listens to all your favourite songs, she texts her afc orbiters and tries to get comfort but it's just not the same. Then she starts partying, sees you out and can't cope and runs for cover.

Excerpt
She received the letter at 10 am. A normal person would read the letter, at least twice, digest it and then respond. She responded 15 minutes after signing for the letter.

She said I'm glad you know what you want and don't want in a relationship.

Goodbye.   ( not the response I was hoping for )

60 seconds later came the denial text.

She said we had some good times and some bad times, but the reality is I was never committed to her or the relationship. And that's the truth !

Ignore this, its defence mechanism, it means absolutely nothing. Notice she implies it was the truth - you know you were committed, she EXPECTS YOU NOT TO BE! Thats why she left, she thought you would abandon her. BPDs play this out over and over. To protect herself from hurt she runs. Also notice the "good, bad" duality.

Excerpt
I responded that night at 11:30 pm !

With:  I'm glad you got the letter, I wish you all the best.

She responded in 20 seconds:  You too!

There you go, you left. See, she will see that as you abandoning, and fulfillment of the rejection expectation. It doesn't matter though, its totally recoverable - just send that text, open the door.

Excerpt
She was waiting all day for my response. I did not want to ignore her, but I didn't want to play her texting game either.

I doubt she would respond now anyway, but she won't delete the text either. It's not a game - you're not playing a game. Nor is she. 'Game' isn't about it being a game, where you play. You'd be showing yourself as being better than most guys she's been with. You're showing her that YOU are a MAN, that you care about HER, not the sex, not the material stuff, but HER. Literally, one text... makes all the difference Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
fred6
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 808



« Reply #17 on: September 08, 2014, 09:23:49 PM »

Now to get her back, fear not about the new guy, the relationship will end. She also will contact you, if you're friends on facebook, send her a "hi, I know we're not on good terms right now, but when you feel better feel free to send a message, I'm quite happy to be friends Smiling (click to insert in post) Hope you're happy xx" It doesn't matter if you become friends, and you saying that will take a lot of pressure off.

What time frame after NC did you send the FB message?
Logged
In Pain
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 88


« Reply #18 on: September 08, 2014, 09:59:28 PM »

I'm still in NC.  6 weeks.
Logged
In Pain
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 88


« Reply #19 on: September 09, 2014, 04:25:11 AM »

Thank you all for the advice and encouragement.

To recap:

18 month relationship

She broke up with me

My NC for 6 weeks

I am giving her all the space she needs

Lying, cheating, everything, the whole 18 months

She has always been:

Feel... .React... .Think

Not

Feel... .Think... .React

She has recycled a previous relationship, but only briefly

She now has a new guy in her life

I have been reading and learning so much about BPD

It was never about me, I understand this

I am healing, but was hurt really bad on this one

I understand I need to look at myself and my childhood issues

I actually feel no anger or real jealously towards her or any other guy. This is not normal for me but I am doing my research to have reached this point

The Hi / Goodbye was sent while still believing she was normal, not BPD.

I do want another chance to be with her. Not totally sure why, but it's what I want. I guess I am not done yet.

I understand the hurt I am leaving myself open to

I want to try to be more understanding of her in her presence. Something I definitely did NOT do previously. I did everything wrong.

I have no regrets, I just didn't know the situation.

I was not ready to abandon her when she left, but I had good reason to.


My slight fear is that if I send the text, she WILL respond very soon after.

Remember, she is:

Feel... .React... .Think

She will say thank you, wish you well. How are you ?

I don't want to get in a texting session with her. I will loose.

Also for as much as I want to, I'm not sure I'm ready to see her just yet... .I don't have the skills... .And I think I still need to get stronger mentally. Also... .She's still dating the other guy. I can't stop that, but still... .

I don't think she will sit down and write a long apology / regret/ remorse response. She rarely takes responsibility.

I know I don't have to send the text tomorrow, but it has been 6 weeks. Enough time for us both to cool down, or at least me. I don't want too much time to pass on by.

I was itching for her in the past, but after the 2 incidents in the local hangout and a quick texting I had with her that turned sour very quickly ( my fault ) I swore off contacting her. I thought, she closed the door, she needs to open it, if only just a little and I will take it from there. I now know that this thinking is wrong with a borderline.

Another issue is... .If we start up again on a limited basis, I am out of town for two weeks in October.

Previously, whenever I went away on a business trip, she used to freak out and go ballistic on me. ( I can't imagine why she would have minded... .It gave her time to see other guys ! LOL )

Yes... .I do understand now that my going away was an abandonment trigger.

I just reread some texts and the long Hi / Goodbye I sent. Knowing what I have learned in the past 30 days... .WOW... .So many mistakes were made. My texts and the letter are a clear example of what NOT to send to a BPD girl. The statements and observations I made, while loving and kind and insightful... .point out all the issues a borderline suffers from and experiences ! My statements are glaring !

Oh well, live and learn... .No regrets... .it's almost funny to see these now. But it's good that I am at least learning.


FYI... .Here is part of a text I sent her after we broke up. So reveling now to me of her issues.


Did you ever notice... .when we first starting dating, I would come to your apartment and we would lay on your big bed, fully clothed. I would be on my side about 3 feet from you.

And I wouldn't move towards you. Not an inch !

After seeing your reaction to someone touching your arm the first time we met, I observed, I learned.

I waited... .and it wasn't easy for me... .I waited till YOU felt comfortable.

It took you about 45 mins and then you would slowly move towards me. A few inches at a time. I watched this process many times. Within an hour you were laying right next to me. It was the most amazing thing I had ever experienced. By the time you came to me, you were warm and open.

Your first apartment were some of the nicest times with you.

When I came to your apartment a few saturdays ago and you were hung over, I came and brought you cheese and salami. For all that was going on in your life, you called me and let me bring you some food.

You were under the covers, I laid down on my side of the bed, 1 foot on the floor... .and again, after all the problems we were experiencing, you slowly came over to me and laid next to me. For as frustrated as I was with you, and boy oh boy have I been frustrated with you, I still felt your warmth.

It's a funny thing. I'll bet you never thought that I thought or observed all the things I'm saying to you right now. For as cold and aloof as you think I may be or sometimes act,  which is the barrier I put up, I cared about every thing you did or said. I guess I just didn't know how to process them correctly for you.
Logged
christoff522
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 397


« Reply #20 on: September 09, 2014, 07:00:22 AM »

Now to get her back, fear not about the new guy, the relationship will end. She also will contact you, if you're friends on facebook, send her a "hi, I know we're not on good terms right now, but when you feel better feel free to send a message, I'm quite happy to be friends Smiling (click to insert in post) Hope you're happy xx" It doesn't matter if you become friends, and you saying that will take a lot of pressure off.

What time frame after NC did you send the FB message?

I didnt send that message. I rowed with her and called her all sorts. That was about 3 months in. Probably about July 4th for reference.  Had I sent the message however things may have gone more smoothly. You can send it whenever... days, weeks, months. All they want is space and an acknowledgement of that will make  all the difference.
Logged
christoff522
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 397


« Reply #21 on: September 09, 2014, 10:13:49 AM »

Thank you all for the advice and encouragement.

To recap:

18 month relationship

She broke up with me

My NC for 6 weeks

I am giving her all the space she needs

Lying, cheating, everything, the whole 18 months

She has always been:

Feel... .React... .Think

Not

Feel... .Think... .React

She has recycled a previous relationship, but only briefly

She now has a new guy in her life

I have been reading and learning so much about BPD

It was never about me, I understand this

I am healing, but was hurt really bad on this one

I understand I need to look at myself and my childhood issues

I actually feel no anger or real jealously towards her or any other guy. This is not normal for me but I am doing my research to have reached this point

The Hi / Goodbye was sent while still believing she was normal, not BPD.

One thing I've noticed, you make any "romantic" remark, and she will act "excuse me?" "pardon?" it literally just happened. Very strange. I'm considering going NC for a while tbh, but trying not to be reactionary, so it just sent "ttyl".


Excerpt
I do want another chance to be with her. Not totally sure why, but it's what I want. I guess I am not done yet.

I understand the hurt I am leaving myself open to

I want to try to be more understanding of her in her presence. Something I definitely did NOT do previously. I did everything wrong.

I have no regrets, I just didn't know the situation.

I was not ready to abandon her when she left, but I had good reason to.

I just want to warn you, whilst you can certainly get contact... maybe, maybe restart a relationship - expect pain.

Excerpt
My slight fear is that if I send the text, she WILL respond very soon after.

Remember, she is:

Feel... .React... .Think

She will say thank you, wish you well. How are you ?

I don't want to get in a texting session with her. I will loose.

Also for as much as I want to, I'm not sure I'm ready to see her just yet... .I don't have the skills... .And I think I still need to get stronger mentally. Also... .She's still dating the other guy. I can't stop that, but still... .

Trying to predict behaviour, kinda a no go, every time I have assumed a tactic/strategy/sentence to illicit one reaction, it tends to illicit the opposite.

Excerpt
I don't think she will sit down and write a long apology / regret/ remorse response. She rarely takes responsibility.

Thats why you have to let her come back, only then will she apologise.

Excerpt
I know I don't have to send the text tomorrow, but it has been 6 weeks. Enough time for us both to cool down, or at least me. I don't want too much time to pass on by.

I was itching for her in the past, but after the 2 incidents in the local hangout and a quick texting I had with her that turned sour very quickly ( my fault ) I swore off contacting her. I thought, she closed the door, she needs to open it, if only just a little and I will take it from there. I now know that this thinking is wrong with a borderline.

Well in many cases, the door is still open in their minds. But if you want that contact (ymmv) then you need to keep that door open.

Excerpt
Another issue is... .If we start up again on a limited basis, I am out of town for two weeks in October.

maybe send the text then. Especially if you're distracted.


Excerpt
Previously, whenever I went away on a business trip, she used to freak out and go ballistic on me. ( I can't imagine why she would have minded... .It gave her time to see other guys ! LOL )

Yes... .I do understand now that my going away was an abandonment trigger.

You just said exactly why she minded.


Excerpt
I just reread some texts and the long Hi / Goodbye I sent. Knowing what I have learned in the past 30 days... .WOW... .So many mistakes were made. My texts and the letter are a clear example of what NOT to send to a BPD girl. The statements and observations I made, while loving and kind and insightful... .point out all the issues a borderline suffers from and experiences ! My statements are glaring !

Oh well, live and learn... .No regrets... .it's almost funny to see these now. But it's good that I am at least learning.

No point questioning what was said then in ignorance. Everything you said she likely expected you to say anyway.

Excerpt
FYI... .Here is part of a text I sent her after we broke up. So reveling now to me of her issues.


Did you ever notice... .when we first starting dating, I would come to your apartment and we would lay on your big bed, fully clothed. I would be on my side about 3 feet from you.

And I wouldn't move towards you. Not an inch !

After seeing your reaction to someone touching your arm the first time we met, I observed, I learned.

I waited... .and it wasn't easy for me... .I waited till YOU felt comfortable.

It took you about 45 mins and then you would slowly move towards me. A few inches at a time. I watched this process many times. Within an hour you were laying right next to me. It was the most amazing thing I had ever experienced. By the time you came to me, you were warm and open.

Your first apartment were some of the nicest times with you.

When I came to your apartment a few saturdays ago and you were hung over, I came and brought you cheese and salami. For all that was going on in your life, you called me and let me bring you some food.

You were under the covers, I laid down on my side of the bed, 1 foot on the floor... .and again, after all the problems we were experiencing, you slowly came over to me and laid next to me. For as frustrated as I was with you, and boy oh boy have I been frustrated with you, I still felt your warmth.

It's a funny thing. I'll bet you never thought that I thought or observed all the things I'm saying to you right now. For as cold and aloof as you think I may be or sometimes act,  which is the barrier I put up, I cared about every thing you did or said. I guess I just didn't know how to process them correctly for you.

The best way to judge if someone has BPD is to judge how YOU react. It will always be out of the ordinary and more extreme than what would be illicited by a normal person. You're moods will be more powerfully different, going to extremes. I'm not trying to upset you but look how crazy what you wrote is. It's like something a serial killer would say. Thats what a BPD can do to someone when they're not strong enough to cope. This isn't a 'normal' relationship, it's not the man being the head of the household, it's not a partnership. Its some weird creepy trist that has obviously brought out feelings of shame in both of you. Please, just work on your confidence and self-esteem because unless you're a stronger human being, you'll go back to how you were, and armed with your limited knowledge of BPD will set yourself up for a world of hurt. Also, never forget that 10% of BPD sufferers successfully attempt suicide. YOU, NEED, INNER, STRENGTH. Its, not a game.
Logged
In Pain
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 88


« Reply #22 on: September 09, 2014, 10:35:28 AM »

You want me to send that text, but you don't have actual experience of how it will be received.

I think it's the right text... .But honestly, right now I am vulnerable to any suggestion.

BTW... .I read the book you sent me last night. Good info, not a lot, but good theory. And the author does admit that he has not tried all he is suggesting.

I do agree, as my last bed story shows, I need HER to come towards me. She needs to feel safe with me ( just like a little girl... .Amazing ! ).

So if I send the text, she responds,and then I go silent, will she continue to reach out ? If I go silent, will she feel like I am ignoring her and get mad ?

And then at what point do I respond and engage back in ?

No offence here, but you are asking me to follow a course of action that you have not done yourself. I can't help but think that it's a course of action you wish you had followed.

Understandable ?
Logged
christoff522
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 397


« Reply #23 on: September 09, 2014, 10:50:05 AM »

You want me to send that text, but you don't have actual experience of how it will be received.

I think it's the right text... .But honestly, right now I am vulnerable to any suggestion.

I've just entered NC with mine so... Basically its up to you if you send it. Only you know what YOU should do. I'm saying if you want to contact her again keep the door open. If you don't feel it's right don't do it.

Excerpt
BTW... .I read the book you sent me last night. Good info, not a lot, but good theory. And the author does admit that he has not tried all he is suggesting.

He hasn't tried it all because he went for normal girls. I can't fault him on that.

Excerpt
I do agree, as my last bed story shows, I need HER to come towards me. She needs to feel safe with me ( just like a little girl... .Amazing ! ).

She needs to feel safe with 'someone'. Yes they're stunted in their mental development and emotionally act like infants. Is that honestly what you want? Ask yourself these questions.

Excerpt
So if I send the text, she responds,and then I go silent, will she continue to reach out ? If I go silent, will she feel like I am ignoring her and get mad ?

And then at what point do I respond and engage back in ?

Well she has a boyfriend yes? You engage when she becomes single. The text is simply a way of ensuring that if SHE wants to she can engage. But I would recommend only acting within your own sense of self-respect. If you deny your gut you're gonna hate yourself. trust your own judgment.

Excerpt
No offence here, but you are asking me to follow a course of action that you have not done yourself. I can't help but think that it's a course of action you wish you had followed.

Understandable ?

Yes, but honestly, right now the course of action I wish I had followed had been to never give her my facebook when she asked for it. I wish I'd of been visiting the place's I visit now, and learning how to be a DJ back then. Yes, regrets based on ignorance I had back in the day. But I wish I'd have grown some testes and said "you have a boyfriend, so no I don't think giving you my facebook is a good idea".

Yesterday i would have agreed that I wish I had followed that course of action, but right now... nah, when I can't even flirt slightly with her because she's idealizing her new squeeze, and acting all "pardon" and offended. Nah, just not in the mood for her right now.

Like I said before... even if you make contact... it will only lead to times of hurt. Now I can't speak to her for 28 days or she will think I'm weak.
Logged
fred6
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 808



« Reply #24 on: September 09, 2014, 01:01:36 PM »

InPain, I know this is your thread and I don't want to disrespect you by hijacking it. But do you mind if I ask Christoff a question or two related to my situation? I'm pretty sure that the answers would benefit the both of us.
Logged
In Pain
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 88


« Reply #25 on: September 09, 2014, 01:15:36 PM »

sure, be my guest... .
Logged
fred6
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 808



« Reply #26 on: September 09, 2014, 01:29:31 PM »

Now to get her back, fear not about the new guy, the relationship will end. She also will contact you, if you're friends on facebook, send her a "hi, I know we're not on good terms right now, but when you feel better feel free to send a message, I'm quite happy to be friends Smiling (click to insert in post) Hope you're happy xx" It doesn't matter if you become friends, and you saying that will take a lot of pressure off.

What time frame after NC did you send the FB message?

I didnt send that message. I rowed with her and called her all sorts. That was about 3 months in. Probably about July 4th for reference.  Had I sent the message however things may have gone more smoothly. You can send it whenever... days, weeks, months. All they want is space and an acknowledgement of that will make  all the difference.

Thank you InPain, I know this is your thread and didn't want to intrude and make it about me.

Christoff, I've been thinking about your text idea and the more I think about it, the more it makes sense kind of. Me and my ex are friends on FB, however a text will work the same way, so that part doesn't matter. Nothing to lose at this point, I think that I've pretty much lost her and her kids to the replacement anyhow. She can't wait for me to leave.

I'm moving out over the next week or so and was going to just disappear and go NC. She's the type, as she puts it, "once I'm done with a guy, I have no use for him". So I don't think that I'll hear from her again unless I see her in public somewhere(probably with replacement). However, at this point I do not want a relationship with her, but I do want to leave the door open for her children and would like to try to remain civil and friendly with her in the future. Also, my new apartment is very small and I'll have to leave some things here until further notice.

Now, since I can't get through to her by talking to her because her BPD logic and temper totally destroys me. I was going to personally hand her a letter with her house key and a picture of me included. Then tell her I love her, say goodbye, leave and go NC. The letter would just sum up how I feel about her and tell her that I hope she gets some help for her issues. And if she ever needs input, someone to talk to, or someone just to listen, just let me know and I'll be more than happy to try and help her.

Now that I think about it, I'm not sure the letter is just a good idea. My question for you Christoff, if you were me and could do it over again and were moving out over the next week. Specifically, what would you do and how would you handle it? I start moving things in a day or two. On my last day here, I need to come up with a specific course of action and time frames of what to do. I'm not sure how to handle the actual physical split and what to do moving forward.


Logged
christoff522
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 397


« Reply #27 on: September 09, 2014, 02:06:05 PM »




Quote from: fred6
Christoff, I've been thinking about your text idea and the more I think about it, the more it makes sense kind of. Me and my ex are friends on FB, however a text will work the same way, so that part doesn't matter. Nothing to lose at this point, I think that I've pretty much lost her and her kids to the replacement anyhow. She can't wait for me to leave.

I'm moving out over the next week or so and was going to just disappear and go NC. She's the type, as she puts it, "once I'm done with a guy, I have no use for him". So I don't think that I'll hear from her again unless I see her in public somewhere(probably with replacement). However, at this point I do not want a relationship with her, but I do want to leave the door open for her children and would like to try to remain civil and friendly with her in the future. Also, my new apartment is very small and I'll have to leave some things here until further notice.

Now, since I can't get through to her by talking to her because her BPD logic and temper totally destroys me. I was going to personally hand her a letter with her house key and a picture of me included. Then tell her I love her, say goodbye, leave and go NC. The letter would just sum up how I feel about her and tell her that I hope she gets some help for her issues. And if she ever needs input, someone to talk to, or someone just to listen, just let me know and I'll be more than happy to try and help her.

Now that I think about it, I'm not sure the letter is just a good idea. My question for you Christoff, if you were me and could do it over again and were moving out over the next week. Specifically, what would you do and how would you handle it? I start moving things in a day or two. On my last day here, I need to come up with a specific course of action and time frames of what to do. I'm not sure how to handle the actual physical split and what to do moving forward.

First thing to do is forget that she's BPD. Treat this like she's had an affair and that you're hurt and upset. Don't mention the word love, don't show weakness. If you can muster the ability - wish her well. If possible, until you leave be as nice and friendly as possible. It'll hurt but it'll be leaving on a good note. Which makes all the difference.

I wouldn't leave a note, before you leave, as kind and nice as possible, imply that it'd be nice to keep in touch "for the sake of the kids". Explain that you would like to still be involved in their lives "if possible". Also remember that with her new guy she's gonna need a babysitter - which I know sounds horrible, but BPDs are the most selfish beasts on the earth at times, and one thing they do when they disregulate is drink like a fish and party like wh0res.

Try your best to think on your feet and adapt over the next few days. It may simply not be possible to keep in contact with the kids, it hurts, and I'm sure you want whats best for them. But this new guy will one day be gone, and another one will come along. You cannot save her or the kids. The only thing you can do is be nice and friendly. But theres a very very very big chance she will use those kids against you to hurt you - especially if she feels that those kids have more affection for you than for her.

My advice, be nice and tread carefully.

Hope this helps.
Logged
fred6
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 808



« Reply #28 on: September 09, 2014, 02:20:42 PM »

So just be as nice and friendly as possible until I leave and say that it would be nice to keep in contact "if possible", then just leave and NC? So you wouldn't sent the aforementioned text or any other communications after leaving? Should I respond if on the small chance she tries to contact me? I guess I knew this already, but basically  just dissapear and fade away. This is a sh|tty situation, but I guess I own it now... .
Logged
christoff522
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 397


« Reply #29 on: September 09, 2014, 02:24:04 PM »

So just be as nice and friendly as possible until I leave and say that it would be nice to keep in contact "if possible", then just leave and NC? So you wouldn't sent the aforementioned text or any other communications after leaving? Should I respond if on the small chance she tries to contact me? I guess I knew this already, but basically  just dissapear and fade away. This is a sh|tty situation, but I guess I own it now... .

I would say don't really break contact. Take time apart but don't do anything drastic. Your situation is different, its not about getting her back but staying in the kids life. Any long term break is going to damage that relationship. Disappear no fade out a bit yes. Maybe go away for a week or two on holiday or something. But don't be gone too long if you what an established routine of contact with the kids. Its really all about appeasing 'mom'.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!