Is a "normal" conversation possible with my ex BPD girlfriend ?

[fred6]

Thanks Christoff, I appreciate the input. I guess the only thing that bothers me is not telling her that I love her and that if she needs any support(only emotional or advice) or reassurance from me to make that first step. I would probably only listen to her, empathize, and tell her to seek professional guidance. But I guess the majority of these people don't really change. Anyhow, I think that I'm going to post a new thread and get a variety of opinions and formulate a plan. Thanks again Christoff and thanks to InPain for letting me interrupt your thread. I really wish you the best of luck man.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[christoff522]

Thanks Christoff, I appreciate the input. I guess the only thing that bothers me is not telling her that I love her and that if she needs any support(only emotional or advice) or reassurance from me to make that first step. I would probably only listen to her, empathize, and tell her to seek professional guidance. But I guess the majority of these people don't really change. Anyhow, I think that I'm going to post a new thread and get a variety of opinions and formulate a plan. Thanks again Christoff and thanks to InPain for letting me interrupt your thread. I really wish you the best of luck man.

Thats a very good idea, One thing I will say, you must follow your gut - because more than anyone else you know the situation that you're in, you know who you are. Take the advice, but if you don't feel secure doing it don't do it.

You're right, most will not change.

[waverider]

You want me to send that text, but you don't have actual experience of how it will be received.

I think it's the right text... .But honestly, right now I am vulnerable to any suggestion.

BTW... .I read the book you sent me last night. Good info, not a lot, but good theory. And the author does admit that he has not tried all he is suggesting.

I do agree, as my last bed story shows, I need HER to come towards me. She needs to feel safe with me ( just like a little girl... .Amazing ! ).

So if I send the text, she responds,and then I go silent, will she continue to reach out ? If I go silent, will she feel like I am ignoring her and get mad ?

And then at what point do I respond and engage back in ?

No offence here, but you are asking me to follow a course of action that you have not done yourself. I can't help but think that it's a course of action you wish you had followed.

Understandable ?

I can understand your insecurity in this situation. At the end of the day this is not only about you it is equally about her and her right to choose how she lives her life despite everyone else's good intentions, and also at times her own disordered reasoning.

What this mean is that you can only be clear where you stand, make it clear to yourself and to your ex, and your reasoning. You cannot sell your reality, hopes or projections to anyone else. despite her disorder it is her right to choose.

You have received good advice in this thread on how to go about this as fairly as you can to both yourself and her. The approaches suggested will minimize unnecessary triggering and better help you move forward whichever way the cards fall. There are no guarantees about what she really thinks, how long she will think this way, or how she will react as circumstances change for her.

The approach suggested by Christoff522 will also have the least damaging effect on you, nothing can eliminate it, but it is a healthy stepping stone for moving forward.

Think of it as your wrap up statement, then it is up to her what she is going to about it, if anything, now or in the future. Do not under any circumstance allow her to string it out either now or in the future otherwise you can become a pawn in her future power plays.

You have to learn to get your mind out of this orbit you seem to be stuck in. You have options and choices too. At the moment you seem stuck on this as your do or die option

In the mean time I would suggest checking out the Leaving Board, as you are in need of some detaching skills

If it does come to pass that a some stage you are back on the agenda, do not expect that to be easy. It is a long and very difficult path to tread

All the best with whatever unravels

waverider

[In Pain]

Will the response or success of my text to her depend if she is still in a rebound relationship ?

Or does she compartmentalize relationships ?

( She was cheating on me the whole time, so maybe that answers that question ! LOL ) 

[In Pain]

Thank you all for you comments and suggestions.

I am going to break NC with an open the door text. I am making a new post to get some more suggests on follow through.

Please see:

I'm going back in ! Advice needed

[christoff522]

Thank you all for you comments and suggestions.

I am going to break NC with an open the door text. I am making a new post to get some more suggests on follow through.

Please see:

I'm going back in ! Advice needed

Be extremely careful, and be sure 100% this is what you want. Prepare for pain you've not yet experienced.

[In Pain]

FYI... .this past Friday night I ran into my ex’s friend, a girl, at a local watering hole.  We chatted lightly, but we BOTH never mentioned my ex.  I didn’t say a word.

That friend is a total gossip whore.

I’m sure my being out late Friday night and not asking her how my ex was doing was conveyed back to the ex the next day.

What that all means……….who the F knows anymore ! LOL

[christoff522]

FYI... .this past Friday night I ran into my ex’s friend, a girl, at a local watering hole.  We chatted lightly, but we BOTH never mentioned my ex.  I didn’t say a word.

That friend is a total gossip whore.

I’m sure my being out late Friday night and not asking her how my ex was doing was conveyed back to the ex the next day.

What that all means……….who the F knows anymore ! LOL

You did right. If you had of mentioned your ex, you can be sure that it would add into a "he's stalking me" narrative. But if your ex's friend mentions "it's weird he never said a word about you". Well, thats a very good thing.

[icesoul]

does christoff522 still post here? hey bro would love to get some advice from you. u gota email? i dont see option for pm.

[fred2016]

I found this a very useful discussion.  I am still in love with my ex and care deeply for her, however she is undiagnosed and while she accepts she has problems she will not seek help.  As such until she does I know nothing will change, we have recycled 4 times already with the associated cheating and lying, I would still be too weak to turn her away.   I was searching for ways to make sure she keeps me painted black and stays away from me however from reading this post I know that having already told her I believe she has BPD it should not be a problem.  6 months out and still caring without a real clue as to why i care about her other than I knew her as a friend for many years before we dated.  That's my one and only regret - I lost that friend because I dated her.

[tree life]

Hi all,

Thanks for sharing!

Look, you have mentioned some characteristics about the NON BPD in love with a BPD as that we are caretakers.

I wonder if you could all be more specific about this. I am trying to get to understand myself better as I am in love with a BPD.

Thanks in advance!

[waverider]

Hi all,

Thanks for sharing!

Look, you have mentioned some characteristics about the NON BPD in love with a BPD as that we are caretakers.

I wonder if you could all be more specific about this. I am trying to get to understand myself better as I am in love with a BPD.

Thanks in advance!

This is a recommended source on this issue
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist