hmmmm... . that does not sound positive.
here is an update on my situation. just had a face to face with her. tried to do a lot of validating and keep away from the drama of my somewhat ill conceived ultimatum/boundary. this did work some what - we got to a point where she could talk about her feeling with less rage. but still wants to lay the problems at my feet.
she volunteered that she is certain that she doesn't have BPD and that the diagnosis is only the opinion of our therapist (she got the diagnosis in the spring so she has had some time to think about it). she talked to one of her friends who has a bs in psychology who, of course, thought the idea of BPD was laughable. so she wants to stop seeing our therapist and go to some person who her friend suggested.
as maxsterling suggested she now wants to leave me unless I change.
man she can trun it around fast
she also say that the situation is largely my fault becouse I don't want to work on the relationship. if only she knew what I have been going though over the years... . and especially the last six months after BPD became part of my vocabulary. of course this lack of understanding is all part of the BPD in my opinion. she is totally incapable of putting herself in my shoes.
waverider I never thought of an ultimatum as an attempt to control. but i see totally how that can be the case. she does it with me all the time. "love me how I derive... ." or x bad thing is going to happen. but I need to some how make a cut off point here becouse it is clear that I can not spend another year in this situation. I need some way so say my boundary without making it sound controlling. she is off to the interior of our state for a few days. so I plan on letting it rest until then.
maxsterling you are right. I want her to want to get better for herself, not becouse I am forcing to do it. as if I could. I was hopeful a few months ago that she would slowly warm up to the BPD idea and grab the bull by it horns. I feel very hopeless now. if she is in total denial about BPD. I don't see how she can ever heal. which means I have to accept more or less the current state. i can and have made changes that have improved things based on this site and other research. validation, boundaries, etc. this has slowed the screening matches on the phone and in the house. also I don't get sucked into the text game when she is deregulated. something I used to do all the time. i am certain that i have much more to learn. and with time this could improve more by working on my self. but once again if she will not accept that she has a problem then I see no future for our family.
