Self blame and passive aggressive behavior

[vortex of confusion]

I just finished reading through the thread on radical acceptance and the one about the BPD needing to be treated like a child.

As I read through the lessons and the different threads, I am thinking about different patterns and how my husband and I do our little verbal dances. My husband doesn't blame me for anything. He rarely, if ever, says anything bad about me directly. Even when I have asked him direct questions about what he thinks I can do to improve the situation, he tells me "nothing". If I question him about anything, his answer is usually along the lines of "because I am stupid". If I try to ask him what he is feeling or thinking, he will berate himself. I know he has a very negative self image but it makes it very, very difficult to have any kind of productive conversation when he will get quiet, berate himself, or go on and on about himself and his problems.

He is like a little child that won't say anything directly to his mom or dad but will instead be very passive aggressive. It is the frowning, the sighing, the stomping off, the overreacting, and all of those other little things. 

I have noticed that the kids are doing it too. If I try to correct the kids or say anything to them about stuff, I get the whole, "I am just stupid" bit. It is driving me crazy because I do not feel like I can say anything to anyone without them berating or belittling themselves. Something simple like, "You forgot to put your glass in the sink." can lead to something like, "I know. I forgot because I am stupid (or lazy or other negative adjective)."

Does anybody else have this problem? If so, how do you deal with it and put a stop to it?

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[123Phoebe]

I don't have this problem, but growing up I did.  You're nice compared to my mom, "How many times do I have to tell you to Put the GLASS in the SINK!"

I was a kid!  Kids don't always remember to put glasses in the sink

What I would've liked to hear would be, "Honey, will you put the glass in the sink please... ."

I still get a thrill out of using a different glass for everything (horrors!) and crack up at seeing them in places other than the sink

Uh yea, I still have some growing up to do  

[vortex of confusion]

What I would've liked to hear would be, "Honey, will you put the glass in the sink please... ."

I still get a thrill out of using a different glass for everything (horrors!) and crack up at seeing them in places other than the sink

Uh yea, I still have some growing up to do  

LOL. I am BIG on manners. I try to say please and thank you for everything. Most of the time, I go around and do dish patrol and pick stuff up myself because, like you say, kids are kids.

But, that does lead to another issue that is slightly related. I try to refer to people as Sir and Ma'am. I live in the south so it is a sign of respect to me. There have been times when my husband has said something to me and I have said, "Yes sir." And he will get mad at me and tell me, ":)on't call me sir." I wasn't trying to be rude or disrespectful to him. I was trying to set a good example for the kids. I feel like having good manners is very important so I try to live that.

[123Phoebe]

But, that does lead to another issue that is slightly related. I try to refer to people as Sir and Ma'am. I live in the south so it is a sign of respect to me. There have been times when my husband has said something to me and I have said, "Yes sir." And he will get mad at me and tell me, ":)on't call me sir." I wasn't trying to be rude or disrespectful to him. I was trying to set a good example for the kids. I feel like having good manners is very important so I try to live that.

Hmm, calling him Sir might feel condescending.  I've used it on my guy when I WAS being condescending, or mirroring his condescend-ation.  Is there another term of endearment you might want to call him?  I'm not being sarcastic, either  

[vortex of confusion]

Hmm, calling him Sir might feel condescending.  I've used it on my guy when I WAS being condescending, or mirroring his condescend-ation.  Is there another term of endearment you might want to call him?  I'm not being sarcastic, either  

I won't lie. I have used it in a condescending manner. However, most of the time I try not to use it in a condescending manner. Of course, pretty much anything can be said in a condescending manner. "I love you too" can easily be used in a very condescending and negative manner too. That is where a lot of my husband's abusive behavior comes from and that is part of the reason that I didn't think that there was any way in the world that I could be getting verbally abused. I would say something and he would respond in a snotty tone. For years, it was chalked up to him just being grumpy. Sorry, but he took grumpy to a whole new level.

Me being the spirited person that I am, I have tried to fight fire with fire in the past. I slipped into the pattern of being just as mean to him as he was to me. We were in that horrible little dance where we would never directly say anything mean but the tone and the atmosphere could be cut with a knife because we were both being very condescending to each other. I reached my boiling point and I came out with my claws extended. Finding this site has helped me to retract the claws but it is still a struggle to deal with the passive aggressive condescension. After I read the book on emotional and verbal abuse, I got mad. Very, very, mad. I was also a bit relieved because I was, "Wow, I am NOT crazy."

I remember him doing the passive aggressive stuff going back to when we were first married. He introduced me to an old fiance and they started talking about something and I tried to contribute to the conversation in what I thought was a normal manner and he put me in my place and talked down to me. Oh man was I hurt and mad and not sure what to think. Here he was introducing me to an old girlfriend of his and he is talking down to ME and treating her like she is the bees knees. My future sister in law even commented on his arrogance and how he talked down to her the first time she met him.

And, I don't feel like I can talk to him about any of this because I will get stuff like, "Oh, I am just stupid. Or insensitive. Or it is because of the addiction. Or it is because he doesn't think before he speaks. Or a thousand other little reasons that make me feel horrible for even bringing it up.

[123Phoebe]

And, I don't feel like I can talk to him about any of this because I will get stuff like, "Oh, I am just stupid. Or insensitive. Or it is because of the addiction. Or it is because he doesn't think before he speaks. Or a thousand other little reasons that make me feel horrible for even bringing it up.

"I wont be spoken to that way", then left, is what I've done.  Not trying to talk him into seeing my point, he saw it, the backside of it.  Do it a couple of times and they get your point.

[vortex of confusion]

"I wont be spoken to that way", then left, is what I've done.  Not trying to talk him into seeing my point, he saw it, the backside of it.  Do it a couple of times and they get your point.

Hmmm, I am trying to think of the different ways that I have tried to deal with him saying bad things about himself. When I have said, ":)on't talk like that," it seems to turn into, "What's the problem? I am simply stating the truth that I am a <insert negative adjectives>". I used to try to tell him that he wasn't those things but then I realized that maybe he was doing it as a way to get attention and validation.

I wonder if "I am not going to listen to that kind of negative self talk." would work.

[123Phoebe]

I wonder if "I am not going to listen to that kind of negative self talk." would work.

Sounds good to me