Well do we?
Mummy always idolized us, and told us how special we are
, and isn't that what first attracted us to our spouses/partners in the honeymoon phase?
Not sure if you are serious or if this is more tongue in cheek ?
but... .I can assure you... .My mummy never idolized me... .that's for sure. She was mostly too depressed and too tired and sad to do much of anything... .much less idolize her kids... .ya... .kids in my family... .we were NOT idolized... .
Some of us had childhoods where we were mostly ignored, just the opposite of idolization... .and never felt special at all ... .so the intense mirroring phase really really fed something very sad and hungry in us that we have wanted all our lives... .that is a kind of narcisstic wounding ... .
Some of us had mentally ill or very challenging parents growing up... .and we became as children very skilled at managing and supporting a loved one who has emotional problems, we earned our keep, our security and gained our identity through careful management of fragile adults... .so it just feels 'like home' to be doing this again as an adult... .that too could be referred to as a narcisstic wounding, also known as parentification... .but it would look different than someone who was told they are special all the time growing up or idolized growing up...
And some of us probably were told we were special or idolized or parentified in different ways... .it happens... .
There are many different kinds of adaptations to different stressors in childhood... .we are not all the same... .just as our partner's are not all the same... .
Whatever our backgrounds... .and they are too varied and too unique to ever be fully captured here... .
We all only ever get one chronological childhood, and whatever that childhood was and whatever it's losses or traumas... as adults, we have to grieve our losses and take responsibility for our own lives and our own happiness... .in or out of any relationship.
No partner can do that for us.
Thanks for this comment MaybeSo. It was a bit 'tongue in cheek' to get a reaction, but also because 3 other non's had opened up to me about having Narcissistic traits and I wanted to test the correlation in general.
I was definitely idolized by my mother, which creates a massive pressure to be the 'perfect' person in their eyes and I picked a spouse who did exactly the same!
The problem is that bboth of these relationships cause serious dysfuntion in me. There was a period between both, 4 years, where I lived on my own and thrived. I recognized some of my issues, worked hard on them, and I really became someone I liked, assertive, calm and collected under stress, caring, effective, focussed, productive, spontaneous, fun-loving
Slowly, over the last 14 years I have seen that person erode and become something my spouse expected. The invalidation has an effect over time, and I think I started to twist into a contorted emotional and mental shape because of it.
I've been separated for 7 months,. I've recognized that this is a choice. No-one makes us be anything, and I'm trying to capture the essence of that long lost person, and it's a struggle. There's co-dependence, anxiety and grappling with a diagnosed BPD and NPD spouse, 3 children, and a full time job. Phew... .it seems too much to handle at times.
Challengiing our core character and personality is exhausting.
How do we make realistic changes to ourselves, and keep all the balls in the air?
