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Author Topic: Does my ex have BPD? Will she message me again?  (Read 486 times)
Algae
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« on: September 10, 2014, 09:46:07 PM »

Hi! I'm new here smiley.  I don't really know where to start, and I'll try to keep this topic short, since I know people don't really read the long topics :/.

Anyway, I'm 23 and my EX is 19.  We've been dating for 4 years and no it's not a Long distance relationship.  Throughout the 4 years, she's had habits of DEEP depression where she cuts herself, ignores everyone, (including me), and ends up blaming me in the end for everything, which causes her to usually cheat on me to see if it makes her happier.  She's cheated on my about 5 times.

She's also left me about 5-6 times, and each time she does... it happens so sudden.  One night we're talking and she acts so obsessed with me to the point where I'M HER WORLD, and she would LITERALLY cry in front of me just from seeing my face and say, "I can't believe you love me so much <3".  Then the next morning, I'm usually blocked from all Social media like I never existed.  Let me explain:  She'll Make me gifts for WEEKS (huge gifts), and give them to me just to see my face light up.  She'll beg me to skype with her and talk to her while we're falling asleep in our own homes, so that It's like I'm there next to her all night.  She even MOVED FROM HER MOMS house into her Aunts JUST for me, because her mom Hates me and constantly lies to her.  Then the next day she wont even message me.  NOT 1 MESSAGE.  She'll just immediately block me and act like I never existed and never respond to me... ever.

It usually happens EVERY Janurary and EVERY August.  So It happens in patterns.  She usually ALWAYS comes back in December and May.  I don't know if this is an illness or not, but she does go to counseling and she does take Melatonin for depression.

Recently she just stopped talking to me again, right after moving into her Aunts house just for me.  She came back from Church camp where she was gone for a weekend and never messaged me.  I then found out that she Met a guy there who She's only known for 9 days and started dating him. (And please don't tell me, "Maybe she's known him longer?".  Trust me... I'm 1000% sure it's only been 9 days and I have proof).  She's already giving him pet names and obsessing over him JUST FROM 9 DAYS.  9 DAYS?  REALLY?  NINE DAYS... ? AS IN NUEVE?  Wow.  We dated for a whole year before we even kissed (it was my first kiss).  Thats how serious we were about love.

So now, she's doing things that she doesnt normally do.  Shes pretending to LOVE country music, and to be a christian just because this Boy does both of those.  She Doesnt believe in God, and She only listens to Post-Hardcore/screamo.  She's also pretending to LOVE Disney, when the week before she told me that, ":)isney was old, lame, and for pedos."  She's basically faking her whole self to impress somebody, and the sad thing is that she's done this before.  Last time she faked herself and her music to make friends.

So my question is, What the HELL happened.  What do I do.  How Can I help her when I'm in NC at the moment?  Will she message me back even though she's talking to some other guy she BARELY knows... yet acts like she's known all her life?  Someone please help :l. I need a lot of support right now.

Honestly... I DO want her to message me.  Not to get back with her... but I want her to message me because I've been with her for 4 years, and I care about her, and Ive been able to keep her from cutting and taking pills and prevented her suicide... so I want to help her through this too.  I'm not after someone because of "White Knight syndrome".  I literally had no idea she had any of these problems.  I just fell into them with her and now that I care about her... I don't want her to hurt herself.
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Algae
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« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2014, 10:11:09 PM »

She even does things like... still uses MY backpack I gave her.  Everything I gave her she uses.

And this guy and her have NOTHING in common.  NOTHING.   She normally would hate people like him.

Her whole daily routine changed in the snap of a finger (one day).  And it does that ever 3-4 months.  I don't know how to edit posts or I would of added that stuff above to my original post.  If anyone can suggest editing, Id love to add more stuff to this post later about her traits she does.

NO sane person on earth can forget 4 years where they were obsessed to the point that they would kill themselves if I left.  Then the next day theyre gone.
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Algae
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« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2014, 10:57:37 AM »

My concern is, how exactly do I go about explaining this to her (if she ever talks to me again), without triggering another episode in her... and making her run off again?  sad  I want her to understand, but I also don't want her to think I'm being hostile to the point where she paints me black and discards me.
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waverider
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« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2014, 08:25:02 PM »

 Welcome

Sorry no one responded earlier, weekends can be a little slower.

Good to see you made it to the Staying Board where you should be able gain some useful specific interaction
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Algae
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« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2014, 02:08:27 AM »

Welcome

Sorry no one responded earlier, weekends can be a little slower.

Good to see you made it to the Staying Board where you should be able gain some useful specific interaction

Its understandable <3.  Ty Smiling (click to insert in post) I do hope to get some good interaction
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Chasing_Ghosts
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« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2014, 02:52:36 AM »

Enjoyed reading your backstory Algae. Alot resonates with my own. Specifically that my ex also left me for someone she had nothing in common with our first break up. She also is into post hardcore/screamo/metalcore. She loves to buy me gifts when idealizing. Mine cuts and has cheated on me quite a few times as well. Weve also had multiple breakups. Well she got with some guy who liked basketball, was a jock when i went to school with him(although he painted himself in such a different light) and generally not her type. I too was baffled... to say the least as she hates all that he stood for and had nothing in common yet dropped me for him.(Much like your ex) It lasted about 2 months. Then he went on vacation for the second time this time w/o her. Triggered her abandonment fears and low and behold came back to me. We broke up after about a month then because she found another guy yet again. Now shes hit rock bottom isnt with anyone and is idealizing drugs(ex heroin addict) and just like you i am focused on getting her help this time and not on a relationship just not sure how to go about that yet.

To answer your questions She is likely idealizing this guy because shes looking for a fling to fill her void with some excitement. Once this wares off she will more than likely come back around. This means likely yes she will message you eventually but only out of her needs and i wouldnt expect shed be super receptive to help per say. What i did was plant the idea she was BPD post breakup and by the recycle when she hit low she actually admitted that she was BPD. Although ive yet to get any further than that with her it shows some progression i suppose. I can understand your concern for her safety with the self harm as im in the same boat except im worried about her using again. Our exs dysregulate alot and are unpredictable so its only natural to worry about their wellbeing when it comes to such high risk behaviors. My theory is this i think they will only accept our help on their terms and this means only when they hit rock bottom. So in a way we have to let them stumble fall and only then can be the point that their receptive to the hand we have had reached out to help them back up again.
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Algae
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« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2014, 04:02:51 AM »

Enjoyed reading your backstory Algae. Alot resonates with my own. Specifically that my ex also left me for someone she had nothing in common with our first break up. She also is into post hardcore/screamo/metalcore. She loves to buy me gifts when idealizing. Mine cuts and has cheated on me quite a few times as well. Weve also had multiple breakups. Well she got with some guy who liked basketball, was a jock when i went to school with him(although he painted himself in such a different light) and generally not her type. I too was baffled... to say the least as she hates all that he stood for and had nothing in common yet dropped me for him.(Much like your ex) It lasted about 2 months. Then he went on vacation for the second time this time w/o her. Triggered her abandonment fears and low and behold came back to me. We broke up after about a month then because she found another guy yet again. Now shes hit rock bottom isnt with anyone and is idealizing drugs(ex heroin addict) and just like you i am focused on getting her help this time and not on a relationship just not sure how to go about that yet.

To answer your questions She is likely idealizing this guy because shes looking for a fling to fill her void with some excitement. Once this wares off she will more than likely come back around. This means likely yes she will message you eventually but only out of her needs and i wouldnt expect shed be super receptive to help per say. What i did was plant the idea she was BPD post breakup and by the recycle when she hit low she actually admitted that she was BPD. Although ive yet to get any further than that with her it shows some progression i suppose. I can understand your concern for her safety with the self harm as im in the same boat except im worried about her using again. Our exs dysregulate alot and are unpredictable so its only natural to worry about their wellbeing when it comes to such high risk behaviors. My theory is this i think they will only accept our help on their terms and this means only when they hit rock bottom. So in a way we have to let them stumble fall and only then can be the point that their receptive to the hand we have had reached out to help them back up again.

It feels good to read somebody that relates so much what I'm going through.  I suppose you are right and that she is trying to fill an 'excitement' void with this snapback wearin sports jock she's currently with.

I'm deeply sorry for your pwBPD and I hope she comes back around too, and I hope you can resolve what has happened, if youre still looking for that in your .

It's strange though... I guess my concern is, is that I DO want her to come back.  But I don't know how to go about helping her before she breaks again.  I don't know how to handle her or what can be done to prevent any splitting, mirroring, or idealization of others, or painting me black again.  I also fear that If she comes back... I CANT welcome her back with open arms because then she will just assume she has me wrapped around her finger.  I have to be assertive and strong... but If I'm too assertive, I fear that she'll get a sense that I'm going to abandon her, and she'll just abandon me all together before I can even get around to finding her the help she needs.

Id love to hear more about your story if you'd like to post it as well, but thats up to you.  I just find it funny how my ex posts on this guys instagram saying, "GO SEAHAWKS!"  When she doesnt even know how to play football... but only posts it because HE is obsessed with sports lmao.  Im still confused as to what led to this splitting however.  The last thing I remember was her saying, "I feel like Im not close anymore!"  but the only reason for that, was because she was at church camp for a whole week... SO NO DUH!  Then she immediatly hated me when she got back, which is totally bizarre.   
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waverider
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2014, 06:00:59 PM »

I don't know how to handle her or what can be done to prevent any splitting, mirroring, or idealization of others, or painting me black again.    

You can't prevent her, or any pwBPD, from doing these things, it is part of the disorder it is ingrained in their personality. It take a long time to reign that in let alone stop it alltogether.

The question really is how can you change so that this sort of thing doesn't hurt you in the future, whether it be with this person or anyone else who exhibits similar behavior, as there are a lot of folks with these traits about.

The tools on this site are useful life skills and not just for applying to a current pwBPD in our lives.
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Algae
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 208


« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2014, 03:21:22 AM »

I don't know how to handle her or what can be done to prevent any splitting, mirroring, or idealization of others, or painting me black again.    

You can't prevent her, or any pwBPD, from doing these things, it is part of the disorder it is ingrained in their personality. It take a long time to reign that in let alone stop it alltogether.

The question really is how can you change so that this sort of thing doesn't hurt you in the future, whether it be with this person or anyone else who exhibits similar behavior, as there are a lot of folks with these traits about.

The tools on this site are useful life skills and not just for applying to a current pwBPD in our lives.

Ok well NOW shes just listening to DISNEY ONLY music on Pandora.  I know because 1... I paid for her pandora 60 bucks for a subscription.  And 2... We're following eachother on it so her music pops up in my Feed. 

REALLY?  DISNEY?  It's funny because She HATES Disney.  She hates the Frozen songs like Let it go, and such.  But thats all it says shes lsitening too!  And she's doing it because of this one guy she likes... just FOR APPROVAL! 

How Long Does this mirroring Crap last before she realizes she needs to be herself.  How long does this crap last before she gets tired of copying someone else with things she doesnt even like -.-.


Shes even done it with me... she'd hear that I used to play a videogame, so she went out and bought it.  Or her friend spoke Swedish so now its her life goal to learn swedish.  Both of those only lasted like 2 weeks tho.  This has been around 4 weeks and counting.
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Algae
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 208


« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2014, 10:48:32 PM »

I don't know how to handle her or what can be done to prevent any splitting, mirroring, or idealization of others, or painting me black again.    

You can't prevent her, or any pwBPD, from doing these things, it is part of the disorder it is ingrained in their personality. It take a long time to reign that in let alone stop it alltogether.

The question really is how can you change so that this sort of thing doesn't hurt you in the future, whether it be with this person or anyone else who exhibits similar behavior, as there are a lot of folks with these traits about.

The tools on this site are useful life skills and not just for applying to a current pwBPD in our lives.

Ok well NOW shes just listening to DISNEY ONLY music on Pandora.  I know because 1... I paid for her pandora 60 bucks for a subscription.  And 2... We're following eachother on it so her music pops up in my Feed. 

REALLY?  DISNEY?  It's funny because She HATES Disney.  She hates the Frozen songs like Let it go, and such.  But thats all it says shes lsitening too!  And she's doing it because of this one guy she likes... just FOR APPROVAL! 

How Long Does this mirroring Crap last before she realizes she needs to be herself.  How long does this crap last before she gets tired of copying someone else with things she doesnt even like -.-.


Shes even done it with me... she'd hear that I used to play a videogame, so she went out and bought it.  Or her friend spoke Swedish so now its her life goal to learn swedish.  Both of those only lasted like 2 weeks tho.  This has been around 4 weeks and counting.

Does anyone know if this is some kind of symptom or is it even normal?
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