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Author Topic: I'm paranoid, she makes me anxious Help me  (Read 733 times)
londonD
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« on: September 11, 2014, 08:44:14 AM »

My ex and I were together for four years, however we were friends for three years before this. We have a two year old son, lets just say she isn't the best mother in the world and has spend only 4 weeks out of 19 with her son. Leaving her at his parents.

She is in the last year of med school and has been in Tanzania working in a hospital for three weeks, returning in a week.

We have recycled twice already with mini break ups all the way through. Since we broke up in May she has had sex and mini relationships with two men. She went on holiday to Spain with a man she had only met ONCE for two hours previously!

Before she left for Africa I drove her to get injections and spent the day together as a family. We ended up have very intimate sex!

Since she's been away she tells me she loves me, misses me and cant wait to see me. Messaging me every day. She wants to have sex with me on her return and spend time with me.

She keeps asking "are you behaving?" as in are you dating! She then said "I don't like to share"



The above is one of my previous posts from recently. We have had sex since she returned and spent the night together.

As there were two men previous, each of them left her. One was a mental health professional and sensed her neediness, of course she idealises him.

My confidence took a hit because of these men, even though I have had flings myself since the break up. The mental health professional was my replacement and she had him lined up before we broke up. That's what hurts the most.

I get anxious when:

1. she doesn't message me back right away

2. when shes online on whatsapp and doesn't reply to me

3. when she seems distant

Every time I think she is messaging other men, maybe even HIM, even though he finished with her.

She wants to spend time as a family with me, I just don't trust her anymore!

I need help with the anxiety its causing me!

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« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2014, 10:50:43 PM »

Hi londonD,

I think you nailed it in the title of your thread, "she makes me anxious!"

Excerpt
We broke up for six 4 months at the end of 2013 but got back together in February 2014. She painted herself as holier than thou saying she didn't date anyone when separated, I've found out this isn't true. We broke up again in May 2014.

I checked your intro post. You're on the undecided board. You have a 2.5 year old son together. There's infidelity with 2 other men. From the sounds of it she's being altruistic she she says "she didn't date anyone when separated"

Excerpt
She keeps asking "are you behaving?" as in are you dating! She then said "I don't like to share"

So far, altruism and projection. Are you behaving? I see this another way "I'm not behaving" and attaching her negative emotions and actions on you.

You're feeling anxiety, stress and it's like you're walking on eggshells. It's an emotional rollercoaster. I'm so sorry.  I don't like this feeling. It's tough.

It also sounds to me that this is really an issue with boundaries. She's being nice but keeping you at arms length when she's with another man. Perhaps when  she feels engulfed she starts pulling at you.

You can stop the anxiety and stress and get off this emotional rollercoaster. You have the power to do that by setting boundaries. If you are with other men, I'm not interested in having a relationship. You are the mother of my son.

I understand that you have limited contact. Do you have suppers with them? I read that in your intro post.

Are you interested in re-starting the relationship, in-between or ready to let go?

The anxiety is caused by her being in other r/s's. That has to hurt when you know she's on whatsapp and she's ignoring you talking to another man. It also has to be really difficult spending supper as a family but you have these other guys on your mind.

I'm minimal contact and parallel parent.  I  respond back  about kids and ignore all the blaming, FOG, projections. Queen role. I can't control what she's going to do but I can put a boundary on the self and let go of all of her anxieties.

I don't have suppers or any social activities with her. She's asked, but I drew the line. She chose to have sex with another man and left. She doesn't like that the kids are in two homes, but she chose for 6 people. She has a boyfriend. We're two separate constellations, two separate families.  She tries to be nice and wants me around just in case it falls through for her and bf.

I'm not an object. I am a man with emotions, feelings, character and personality. My boundary with my ex is that I don't want a r/s because you're with another man and I don't want one because I know I'm asking for more hurt and pain. We had our time together. Unfortunately at the time I didn't know it was BPD. What I do know from reading other members accounts is that you can't really have the same r/s as the initial one. It gets worse. She also crossed a line that goes against my core values - infidelity. It doesn't mean that a r/s can't be fixed after infidelity but it takes a lot of work. Commitment. It's not something that I know that my ex could do as much as she'd like, she is sick it is a part of the disorder.

My love can't fix her. I'm not above the disorder.  I let go. Let god.

Your ex knows she can do this. Don't beat yourself up for having sex. There's no right or wrong here. Fall down 7 times get up 8. There's no boundary and if there's something that borderline's have a lack of it's boundaries.

What behaviors do you accept upon yourself londonD. Where do you think this will go if the behavior is enabled? What's your limit with putting up with it? I truly think you've had enough. If I'm wrong tell me.
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londonD
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« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2014, 07:25:14 AM »

Hi londonD,

I think you nailed it in the title of your thread, "she makes me anxious!"

Excerpt
We broke up for six 4 months at the end of 2013 but got back together in February 2014. She painted herself as holier than thou saying she didn't date anyone when separated, I've found out this isn't true. We broke up again in May 2014.

I checked your intro post. You're on the undecided board. You have a 2.5 year old son together. There's infidelity with 2 other men. From the sounds of it she's being altruistic she she says "she didn't date anyone when separated"

Excerpt
She keeps asking "are you behaving?" as in are you dating! She then said "I don't like to share"

So far, altruism and projection. Are you behaving? I see this another way "I'm not behaving" and attaching her negative emotions and actions on you.

You're feeling anxiety, stress and it's like you're walking on eggshells. It's an emotional rollercoaster. I'm so sorry.  I don't like this feeling. It's tough.

It also sounds to me that this is really an issue with boundaries. She's being nice but keeping you at arms length when she's with another man. Perhaps when  she feels engulfed she starts pulling at you.

You can stop the anxiety and stress and get off this emotional rollercoaster. You have the power to do that by setting boundaries. If you are with other men, I'm not interested in having a relationship. You are the mother of my son.

I understand that you have limited contact. Do you have suppers with them? I read that in your intro post.

Are you interested in re-starting the relationship, in-between or ready to let go?

The anxiety is caused by her being in other r/s's. That has to hurt when you know she's on whatsapp and she's ignoring you talking to another man. It also has to be really difficult spending supper as a family but you have these other guys on your mind.

I'm minimal contact and parallel parent.  I  respond back  about kids and ignore all the blaming, FOG, projections. Queen role. I can't control what she's going to do but I can put a boundary on the self and let go of all of her anxieties.

I don't have suppers or any social activities with her. She's asked, but I drew the line. She chose to have sex with another man and left. She doesn't like that the kids are in two homes, but she chose for 6 people. She has a boyfriend. We're two separate constellations, two separate families.  She tries to be nice and wants me around just in case it falls through for her and bf.

I'm not an object. I am a man with emotions, feelings, character and personality. My boundary with my ex is that I don't want a r/s because you're with another man and I don't want one because I know I'm asking for more hurt and pain. We had our time together. Unfortunately at the time I didn't know it was BPD. What I do know from reading other members accounts is that you can't really have the same r/s as the initial one. It gets worse. She also crossed a line that goes against my core values - infidelity. It doesn't mean that a r/s can't be fixed after infidelity but it takes a lot of work. Commitment. It's not something that I know that my ex could do as much as she'd like, she is sick it is a part of the disorder.

My love can't fix her. I'm not above the disorder.  I let go. Let god.

Your ex knows she can do this. Don't beat yourself up for having sex. There's no right or wrong here. Fall down 7 times get up 8. There's no boundary and if there's something that borderline's have a lack of it's boundaries.

What behaviors do you accept upon yourself londonD. Where do you think this will go if the behavior is enabled? What's your limit with putting up with it? I truly think you've had enough. If I'm wrong tell me.

Thanks for your reply Mutt.

In terms of the two other men, this happened after the relationship, very soon after. However one of the men had been lined up many moths before we split.

We have a four month breakup from October 2013 to February 2014. She took a trip, 200 miles away, to go on a date with my replacement. She stayed at his house on the first date. She lied to me and told me she was on a medical conference, my friend actually saw her with this man! She denied it even though I knew full well.

She traveled back the following day, came to see me at my apartment, my son was in bed, then we ended up having sex and getting back together. She ran back to him after the break up,she lied through her teeth to him. It turns out he was a friend of a friend, I put him straight on a lot of things and let him know what happened in February and cleared my name.

He is a psychiatrist, he realised not all was well with her and ended it. He would have realised what she was like before long. He is also an ultimate player.

Since the break up I've also found out about her lying. She lies about the most silly things, she then forgets saying them and calls me a liar when I bring it up.

She was a way for a month working in a hospital in Africa, before she left we had sex. She then spent the month telling me she missed me and loved me.

We had sex when she returned and spent time as a family together. Since she returned the professions of love have stopped, she has to state "we're not together you know". She was telling me different while in Africa.

She asked the question if I was dating or speaking to anyone. I admitted I had exchanged texts with a girl, she was not happy at all.

So, I decided to check her phone. One of the guys she was sleeping with text her last Wednesday saying "I miss your face" she replied "I miss your face too". I brought this up and called her a hypocrite. This guy is a player and only messages her once a month, makes no effort but just wants a shag. She said he only messages when he wants to meet up.They first met 2months ago, if a relationship  was to flourish, it would have by now.

He excuse- "I knew you'd ___ up any reconciliation, I was keeping my options open"

She is also a very poor mother, she leaves her son with her parents for weeks on end, 200 miles away. She didnt see him for six weeks while she was "studying". Came back one week and went to Africa voluntarily for 4 weeks.

Mutt- the problem is I cant trust her any more, I don't know when shes lying, she will carry on with men, know its wrong but not take any responsibility.

I'm still in love with the girl I first met, I try so hard to coach her out, I have for years. She doesn't exist!

That's not the kind of woman I want to be with and especially not the woman I want to have more kids with! I'm tied to her until my son is old enough, why would I start a life sentence again!

Prisoners moan about wanting to get out, then they stab someone with a toothbrush and get 10 years added to their sentence. I want out!

Sorry, venting here! To sum it up shes bat___ crazy, unstable in her moods, a liar, a cheat and a hypocrite. Also she is a terrible mother who deserted her two year old for 10 weeks.



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« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2014, 09:55:50 AM »

In terms of the two other men, this happened after the relationship, very soon after. However one of the men had been lined up many moths before we split.

I'm sorry to hear this. My ex had another man lined up 8 months before she left. I triggered her fear of abandonment and it's something that she's absolutely scared of. It was perceived abandonment and she started another relationship in our marriage. It's not something that I could have stopped and it's not something that I can do anything about. She is with another man, their relationship. I can't fight that. I can choose to accept that she has her own path now and I have my own. I can't fight a fantasy, she was in her honeymoon / idealization phase with another man.

The cracks are appearing now. I was split black but she's putting her feelers out there. I choose to focus and concentrate on what's number #1. Dad and the kids. It's not for me to worry about ex's insecurities anymore, that is for the bf. He made his choice and stuck his hand in the fire. I wouldn't of gotten involved with a married woman. He keeps the chaos away from me, my ex.

That's not the kind of woman I want to be with and especially not the woman I want to have more kids with! I'm tied to her until my son is old enough, why would I start a life sentence again!

Prisoners moan about wanting to get out, then they stab someone with a toothbrush and get 10 years added to their sentence. I want out!

Sorry, venting here! To sum it up shes bat___ crazy, unstable in her moods, a liar, a cheat and a hypocrite. Also she is a terrible mother who deserted her two year old for 10 weeks.


Prisoners moan. I moaned but I knew that I was I was engaging in was not healthy. It is suffering. To stop my pain and suffering I needed to detach. Detachment leads to freedom.

I was in court in 2010 for false DV charges. I could of lost the ability to cross the US border, lost my job and have a criminal record. My L asked me "What do you see in this woman? Why are you with her?" He couldn't understand why a wife would take her husband to court and punish him - Queen / Witch. At the time I knew the L was right but I said "Because I love her". I wasn't seeing the forest for the trees. I was in the FOG and I'm co-dependent.

I'm truly sorry that this happened. There are other men in the picture here, that's fact. You can choose to assert boundaries, detach and stop the suffering. It's truly hard but it is an achievable goal. You can use this time to get out of the FOG, re-frame your thoughts and see the bigger picture and heal your wounds.

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londonD
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« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2014, 10:42:19 AM »

In terms of the two other men, this happened after the relationship, very soon after. However one of the men had been lined up many moths before we split.

I'm sorry to hear this. My ex had another man lined up 8 months before she left. I triggered her fear of abandonment and it's something that she's absolutely scared of. It was perceived abandonment and she started another relationship in our marriage. It's not something that I could have stopped and it's not something that I can do anything about. She is with another man, their relationship. I can't fight that. I can choose to accept that she has her own path now and I have my own. I can't fight a fantasy, she was in her honeymoon / idealization phase with another man.

The cracks are appearing now. I was split black but she's putting her feelers out there. I choose to focus and concentrate on what's number #1. Dad and the kids. It's not for me to worry about ex's insecurities anymore, that is for the bf. He made his choice and stuck his hand in the fire. I wouldn't of gotten involved with a married woman. He keeps the chaos away from me, my ex.

That's not the kind of woman I want to be with and especially not the woman I want to have more kids with! I'm tied to her until my son is old enough, why would I start a life sentence again!

Prisoners moan about wanting to get out, then they stab someone with a toothbrush and get 10 years added to their sentence. I want out!

Sorry, venting here! To sum it up shes bat___ crazy, unstable in her moods, a liar, a cheat and a hypocrite. Also she is a terrible mother who deserted her two year old for 10 weeks.


Prisoners moan. I moaned but I knew that I was I was engaging in was not healthy. It is suffering. To stop my pain and suffering I needed to detach. Detachment leads to freedom.

I was in court in 2010 for false DV charges. I could of lost the ability to cross the US border, lost my job and have a criminal record. My L asked me "What do you see in this woman? Why are you with her?" He couldn't understand why a wife would take her husband to court and punish him - Queen / Witch. At the time I knew the L was right but I said "Because I love her". I wasn't seeing the forest for the trees. I was in the FOG and I'm co-dependent.

I'm truly sorry that this happened. There are other men in the picture here, that's fact. You can choose to assert boundaries, detach and stop the suffering. It's truly hard but it is an achievable goal. You can use this time to get out of the FOG, re-frame your thoughts and see the bigger picture and heal your wounds.

Mutt- my friends and family can't stand her, her own family have to walk on eggshells around her. They say "get out, get the hell away from her."

I am doing this to myself, I'm causing my own pain but participating in the game.

There are other men, she picks the wrong men. Men that are only interested in sex, when a genuine man likes her, she runs a mile.

She will tell me she isn't chatting to any men, she wants to focus on her studies. I don't believe a word she says. She is a liar. She lies so she can keep me in her life! She is selfish and manipulative.

The only person that cannot see this is herself.

If she finds a new man, this cycle will repeat itself all over agains. Idealisation, devalue and discard. I can't wait to see this happen!

I want the person I met to exist so badly! But she doesn't. The person that exists is sick in the head and is a very bad element in my life
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« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2014, 11:30:35 AM »

The only person that cannot see this is herself.

You cannot change someone else. You can only change you.

I want the person I met to exist so badly! But she doesn't. The person that exists is sick in the head and is a very bad element in my life

You love her very much   I loved my ex too. You have a long history together. The push / pull behavior brings knots to the stomach, it makes you feel anxious and sick.

I turned to a higher power because my wife is disordered. I know her best from anyone on these boards. I have known her for nearly a decade. It breaks my heart that she cannot see the collateral damage that she does. She' doesn't know that she is mentally ill. This is a part of her personality.

I care and asked Him to look out for her. I can't move every mountain and this is a mountain that I cannot move. I chose to detach and to clear my head and get healthier for my kids.

I see it this way. She is a person with feelings like you. She's wired differently.

I'm detached and indifferent to my wife's behaviors. She is impulsive and doesn't think things through and can't see what the potential pitfalls are. I keep my distance and I don't enable the behaviors. I'm low contact, parallel parent but I've soften the boundaries in some areas because I'm emotionally stronger.

My spirit, mind and body are aligned now and I learned so many valuable tools on bpdfamily. I can interact with her without getting triggered. I needed to detach. There's no right or wrong here but you are in pain and you're suffering. Take care of you! I hope that helps londonD.



Hang in there.


- Mutt
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londonD
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« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2014, 12:09:29 PM »

The only person that cannot see this is herself.

You cannot change someone else. You can only change you.

I want the person I met to exist so badly! But she doesn't. The person that exists is sick in the head and is a very bad element in my life

You love her very much   I loved my ex too. You have a long history together. The push / pull behavior brings knots to the stomach, it makes you feel anxious and sick.

I turned to a higher power because my wife is disordered. I know her best from anyone on these boards. I have known her for nearly a decade. It breaks my heart that she cannot see the collateral damage that she does. She' doesn't know that she is mentally ill. This is a part of her personality.

I care and asked Him to look out for her. I can't move every mountain and this is a mountain that I cannot move. I chose to detach and to clear my head and get healthier for my kids.

I see it this way. She is a person with feelings like you. She's wired differently.

I'm detached and indifferent to my wife's behaviors. She is impulsive and doesn't think things through and can't see what the potential pitfalls are. I keep my distance and I don't enable the behaviors. I'm low contact, parallel parent but I'm soften the boundaries in some areas because I'm emotionally stronger.

My spirit, mind and body is aligned now and I learned so many valuable tools on bpdfamily. I can interact with her without getting triggered. I needed to detach. There's no right or wrong here but you are in pain and you're suffering. Take care of you! I hope that helps londonD.



Hang in there.


- Mutt

Thanks Mutt. It does hurt, it hurts very much!

It's accepting that we can't be together and accepting that another man will move in to her life.

She will idealise this man and he will get the good parts of her, for the time being anyway. I can't stand the thought of another man touching her. It kills me!
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« Reply #7 on: September 18, 2014, 12:14:55 PM »

I can't stand the thought of another man touching her. It kills me!

I know and it killed me too.

I agree. It's her life, her choices and accepting it  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #8 on: September 18, 2014, 02:21:00 PM »

I can't stand the thought of another man touching her. It kills me!

I know and it killed me too.

I agree. It's her life, her choices and accepting it  Being cool (click to insert in post)

It's accepting it that makes it so hard. I want our relationship to work but it won't. I know that.

It scares me that she could have a successful relationship with another man. Even though I know she will ruin any relationship she has.

She makes bad choices in men. She goes for players who only want sex from her. That pains me
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« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2014, 02:49:04 PM »

It's accepting it that makes it so hard. I want our relationship to work but it won't. I know that.

You know that it's not going to work between you and you're 90% she is borderline or exhibits borderline traits.

It scares me that she could have a successful relationship with another man. Even though I know she will ruin any relationship she has.

The heart needs time to catch up to your head. It takes time. I had to tell myself several times a day after my break-up that she is mentally ill. It's hard to accept that a person that we loved and have hopes and dreams with can treat us so badly. It is a part of the disorder.

Excerpt
The DSM-5 work group is recommending that this disorder be reformulated in the DSM-5 as the Borderline Type.

Individuals who match this personality disorder type have an extremely fragile self-concept that is easily disrupted and fragmented under stress and results in the experience of a lack of identity or chronic feelings of emptiness. As a result, they have an impoverished and/or unstable self structure and difficulty maintaining enduring intimate relationships.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

If she is BPD and she is not committed to treatment it's not likely. Perhaps another man may not trigger her so much that's also possible.

She makes bad choices in men. She goes for players who only want sex from her. That pains me

What do you want for you londonD? It is painful because you care for her.

Here is an excellent perspective piece. I had thought that my ex held the keys to my happiness. She is a real person and we had a long history and I had to grieve the relationship and marriage and get to acceptance.

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness



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« Reply #10 on: September 19, 2014, 04:28:06 AM »

It's accepting it that makes it so hard. I want our relationship to work but it won't. I know that.

You know that it's not going to work between you and you're 90% she is borderline or exhibits borderline traits.

It scares me that she could have a successful relationship with another man. Even though I know she will ruin any relationship she has.

The heart needs time to catch up to your head. It takes time. I had to tell myself several times a day after my break-up that she is mentally ill. It's hard to accept that a person that we loved and have hopes and dreams with can treat us so badly. It is a part of the disorder.

Excerpt
The DSM-5 work group is recommending that this disorder be reformulated in the DSM-5 as the Borderline Type.

Individuals who match this personality disorder type have an extremely fragile self-concept that is easily disrupted and fragmented under stress and results in the experience of a lack of identity or chronic feelings of emptiness. As a result, they have an impoverished and/or unstable self structure and difficulty maintaining enduring intimate relationships.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

If she is BPD and she is not committed to treatment it's not likely. Perhaps another man may not trigger her so much that's also possible.

She makes bad choices in men. She goes for players who only want sex from her. That pains me

What do you want for you londonD? It is painful because you care for her.

Here is an excellent perspective piece. I had thought that my ex held the keys to my happiness. She is a real person and we had a long history and I had to grieve the relationship and marriage and get to acceptance.

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness


Hi Mutt,

She will never accept she has a problem, therefore she will never get therapy.

She said some awful things to me last night. Made out I wasn't good enough for her. I own my own home, she doesn't. My home isn't good enough as it's only two bedrooms and not four. That made me feel low, no matter what I do, it's not good enough.

She also said "what do I want from a relationship? I want fun" she once told me I was the most fun person to be around.

I know her and she's not a fun person. She is very negative, she rather boring and she moans constantly. I look forward to seeing how a new man will deal with that. It's very tiring.

When we first got together I would avoid speaking to her on the phone as all she did was moan about her day. Then she would constantly moan about her looks, skin, weight.

It took a matter of weeks for her to start complaining to me.
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« Reply #11 on: September 19, 2014, 03:13:43 PM »

She said some awful things to me last night. Made out I wasn't good enough for her. I own my own home, she doesn't. My home isn't good enough as it's only two bedrooms and not four. That made me feel low, no matter what I do, it's not good enough.

She is devaluing you. I'm sorry.

She also said "what do I want from a relationship? I want fun" she once told me I was the most fun person to be around.

Perhaps she doesn't feel good that she isn't a fun person and is projecting her feelings on you?

I look forward to seeing how a new man will deal with that. It's very tiring.

I understand the curiosity with the other man. Is he going to make her happy? Why wasn't I good enough? Is it going to work between them?

When we first got together I would avoid speaking to her on the phone as all she did was moan about her day. Then she would constantly moan about her looks, skin, weight.

It took a matter of weeks for her to start complaining to me.

She has a lot of woes and it puts a lot of weight on your shoulders. Was it the idealization phase and being put on a pedestal that was the attraction? Was there something about her that you liked?
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« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2014, 10:56:23 AM »

She said some awful things to me last night. Made out I wasn't good enough for her. I own my own home, she doesn't. My home isn't good enough as it's only two bedrooms and not four. That made me feel low, no matter what I do, it's not good enough.

She is devaluing you. I'm sorry.

She also said "what do I want from a relationship? I want fun" she once told me I was the most fun person to be around.

Perhaps she doesn't feel good that she isn't a fun person and is projecting her feelings on you?

I look forward to seeing how a new man will deal with that. It's very tiring.

I understand the curiosity with the other man. Is he going to make her happy? Why wasn't I good enough? Is it going to work between them?

When we first got together I would avoid speaking to her on the phone as all she did was moan about her day. Then she would constantly moan about her looks, skin, weight.

It took a matter of weeks for her to start complaining to me.

She has a lot of woes and it puts a lot of weight on your shoulders. Was it the idealization phase and being put on a pedestal that was the attraction? Was there something about her that you liked?

Mutt- it makes a lot of sense that she is projecting her lack of fun on to me. When she met me, she said "you were so fun" she knows she's not fun so she kings for someone who is.

She has devalued me for sometime. Nothing I do is enough, if I better myself she is jealous.

I am upset about this new man of her future. Who will he be, will he be a better man than me, more successful. Maybe he will be in the idealisation phase, that will soon change once the relationship progresses.

I loved that she loved me. I'm narcissistic, I loved the affection, the attention, the love, the admiration. That's over though, BUT I don't want another man to feel like this and feel adored by her.

I liked that I felt I could help her, make her feel better and be her knight!

I know for a fact that I will never have this back again. She is done with me, I've been discarded. She uses me for sex, nights out and child care when it's convenient for her.

I HATE THE THOUGHT OF ANOTHER MAN MAKING HER HAPPY DURING THE HONEYMOON PERIOD
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Mutt
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« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2014, 02:04:20 PM »

I loved that she loved me. I'm narcissistic, I loved the affection, the attention, the love, the admiration. That's over though, BUT I don't want another man to feel like this and feel adored by her.

I liked that I felt I could help her, make her feel better and be her knight!

I know for a fact that I will never have this back again. She is done with me, I've been discarded. She uses me for sex, nights out and child care when it's convenient for her.

I HATE THE THOUGHT OF ANOTHER MAN MAKING HER HAPPY DURING THE HONEYMOON PERIOD

Betrayal Trauma: The phrase "betrayal trauma" can be used to refer to a kind of trauma independent of the reaction to the trauma. From Freyd (2008): Betrayal trauma occurs when the people or institutions on which a person depends for survival signifi cantly violate that person ’ s trust or well - being: Childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse perpetrated by a caregiver are examples of betrayal trauma.

www.dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineBT.html

I understand the shock, awe, pain and difficulties when trust is broken. I understand narcissism in the concept of a parent and partner. I'm not sure that i can help you with narcissism.

Two things. She is with another man. She can choose whom she wants to be with. I'm sorry that this happened. She fears abandonment irregardless what man it is if she is not working in therapy and commited in doing the work. This is reality, fact.

You have talked about her, what about you? It is not healthy putting someone else's needs and feelings above our own.  Can you identify with enmeshment?

Lastly, if she returns is there a chance this will happen again? What then?
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Mutt
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« Reply #14 on: September 29, 2014, 12:36:28 AM »

How are things londonD?
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londonD
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« Reply #15 on: October 15, 2014, 06:46:31 AM »

How are things londonD?

Hey Mutt,

Sorry for the delay. Things are a little better but still not great. They'll never be good, not until my son is old enough to communicate with me.

She still calls me up and gives me grief, hangs up the phone on me.

She makes threats about me not seeing my son. I've called her bluff and not gone when she's told me not to, then two days later I get a phone call asking what time I'm arriving. WTH

So I didn't go and she complained calling me a "pathetic man" etc. If she makes threats in the future I won't go.

She needs to learn the repercussions of her mouth.

Other than that I'm just trying to take each day as it comes.
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Mutt
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« Reply #16 on: October 15, 2014, 09:06:55 AM »

How are things londonD?

Hey Mutt,

Sorry for the delay. Things are a little better but still not great. They'll never be good, not until my son is old enough to communicate with me.

She still calls me up and gives me grief, hangs up the phone on me.

She makes threats about me not seeing my son. I've called her bluff and not gone when she's told me not to, then two days later I get a phone call asking what time I'm arriving. WTH

So I didn't go and she complained calling me a "pathetic man" etc. If she makes threats in the future I won't go.

She needs to learn the repercussions of her mouth.

Other than that I'm just trying to take each day as it comes.

Hi londonD,

No worries about the delay. Such is life.

Do you have a court order? Having an order with words in black and white with no ambiguity will cut out the drama and control issues. I feel for you, I went through this at the beginning of separation. Having court appointed boundaries cut her off at the knees.

It's about your S and not the conflict between you and her now.
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londonD
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« Reply #17 on: October 15, 2014, 07:22:16 PM »

How are things londonD?

Hey Mutt,

Sorry for the delay. Things are a little better but still not great. They'll never be good, not until my son is old enough to communicate with me.

She still calls me up and gives me grief, hangs up the phone on me.

She makes threats about me not seeing my son. I've called her bluff and not gone when she's told me not to, then two days later I get a phone call asking what time I'm arriving. WTH

So I didn't go and she complained calling me a "pathetic man" etc. If she makes threats in the future I won't go.

She needs to learn the repercussions of her mouth.

Other than that I'm just trying to take each day as it comes.

Hi londonD,

No worries about the delay. Such is life.

Do you have a court order? Having an order with words in black and white with no ambiguity will cut out the drama and control issues. I feel for you, I went through this at the beginning of separation. Having court appointed boundaries cut her off at the knees.

It's about your S and not the conflict between you and her now.

I totally agree, it is about my boy. She uses his as a weapon constantly so she can make demands. If I say no, she cuts me off.

There is no court order as of yet, that is an avenue I need to explore.

She blows hot and cold daily. From one day to the next I don't know what I'll get. Today out of the blue she has tried to be nice to me.

I have responded politely but I know there is an underlying motive. She either wants something or she feels guilty about something.

I was speaking with my friend who also has a gf who displays signs of a PD. he asked the question "she's not seeking help, if she did could you see a future?"

The answer is this, no1 she will NEVER admit she has a problem, it's my fault.

No2 she never really made me happy, she made me feel wanted at first and loved. She accuses me of cheating, she controls me, I'm unable to have an opinion, if I voice an opinion she rages.

All in all she doesn't make me happy. I would like a partner I can have fun with, a partner that gives me freedom, and a partner that doesn't constantly whine and moan. And a partner that is sexual and unselfish in the bedroom and doesn't lie there like a piece of meat.
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