maybe this is making her feel abandoned?
Can you explain your thoughts on this more?
I think that when I say that I do not wish to make such a big commitment she feels rejected/abandoned. She reacts with rage because this perceived rejection hurts. And brings up all of the rejection and abandonment from her youth. She was beat and emotionally abused by her parents.
I really want a good boundary here that I can stick to.
Why is it important to stick to a boundary?
Because if I am getting abused emotionally (sometimes physically) and controlled by my wife she need to know that things are changing and that I will not stand for it any more. ? idk does that sound about right? I have not thought about why in the past... .just grasping at tools sometimes.
Hi dog_star,
Great idea to get some input on this important crossroads in your life! Couple of questions - answer whatever you're comfortable sharing.
Are you guys married?
Is your son from a previous relationship? If so, whose?
How old is he?
He is our son. He is now eight years old. And I have been married to my wife for about the same amount of time.
So I would focus on being open with your wife about the fact that big issue is that you have to work on being a more bonded team first with a greater degree of stability. This may go down like a lead balloon, but it brings the focus back on you both working together in harmony and have each others backs, rather than getting lost in defending the consequences of this basic core issue.
Ok, I think that is more or less what I have been trying to do. Maybe I should try the team language instead of unstable rs. Maybe focusing on a more positive message rather then a negative one.
I never lay the bad rs at her feet in during the commutation but rather I try to say we both have a role, which of course is true. She always interprets this as me saying it is all her problem and snap she is gone in a rage and there is no talking to her. Maybe on some deep level she does think it is all her. Or has a fear that it is.
Thanks again for the thoughts everyone.