this site and other BPD material and your pwBPD

[dog_star]

I am wondering how people deal with their participation in this site and their pwBPD. I would guess that most people, if not all, keep it secret? I sure feel this need. my wife knows that I believe she has BPD but she is in total denial. so one one level I have nothing hide. but I can imagine all sorts of problems... .

also today I went out and got a copy of The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. I am worried about her seeing me read it, as it could cause a problem. but I sure would like to not have to feel like I have to hide the book in my car. kinda lame.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I am wondering how people deal with their participation in this site and their pwBPD. I would guess that most people, if not all, keep it secret? I sure feel this need. my wife knows that I believe she has BPD but she is in total denial. so one one level I have nothing hide. but I can imagine all sorts of problems... .

also today I went out and got a copy of The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. I am worried about her seeing me read it, as it could cause a problem. but I sure would like to not have to feel like I have to hide the book in my car. kinda lame.

Most keep it secret. 

Do whatever you can to keep the temp down while you suck in knowledge about BPD.  How long have you thought this?  How long have you discussed BPD with her?

[dog_star]

Most keep it secret. 

Do whatever you can to keep the temp down while you suck in knowledge about BPD.  How long have you thought this?  How long have you discussed BPD with her?

I have thought it was BPD for about six months. She was tested a few months later with structured clinical interview for dsm axis ii personality disorders which confirmed BPD.

At first I said nothing because I wanted her to go though with the testing. Then after words I have tried to push for treatment and acknowledgement but I have not made much progress if anything it is going down hill. Granted sometimes I bring it up when I am very upset myself. Which I recognize is not a good thing.

[Rockylove]

[quote author=formflier link=topic=232925.msg12491638#msg12491638


Then after words I have tried to push for treatment and acknowledgement but I have not made much progress if anything it is going down hill. [/quote]
No one likes to hear that there's something wrong with them... .especially a mental illness.  So much stigma attached to it.  Sad, but true.  I'm sure that's why so many people are untreated.  Give her some time to let the information sink in.  Work with the information you have making changes in the way you deal with things.  You may find her wanting to jump on the bandwagon and become healthier too! 

[dog_star]

ok I will try that. I have tried to make changes that my T suggests over the last few months to show that I am taking my problems seriously and taking the T process seriously.

she has had three months to come around to the idea of BPD. how much time is enough? or more accurately how much time am I willing to wait? which is a question that only I can answer. a question that I do not know quite how to answer.

[formflier]

ok I will try that. I have tried to make changes that my T suggests over the last few months to show that I am taking my problems seriously and taking the T process seriously.

she has had three months to come around to the idea of BPD. how much time is enough? or more accurately how much time am I willing to wait? which is a question that only I can answer. a question that I do not know quite how to answer.

As much time as she needs... .

And you are correct that the biggest question is how much time you are willing to wait.  I encourage you to have hope... .

You have a diagnosis... .many never get that far. 

Let me turn the tables on you... .she has acted.  She got a diagnosis... .

Now what are you going to do about it?  What can you do to show leadership in your r/s?  To show empathy... .?

Why am I asking you this... .?  pwBPD tend to get "stuck" in places... .and have a hard time getting unstuck.

"Nons" can get stuck as well.  But... .we (nons) tend to be the emotionally healthier ones and more able to do things... .often uncomfortable things... .to get ourselves and our r/s "unstuck". 

Another way to put it... ."waiting" on a pwBPD to act to fix or improve a r/s is generally not a good plan... .

[dog_star]

And you are correct that the biggest question is how much time you are willing to wait.  I encourage you to have hope... .

Yes, I think that is the question. When ever I get hope she does something to crush it. But thank you for the encouragement. Just being able to express my self here does wonders for my stability/hope.

You have a diagnosis... .many never get that far. 

Let me turn the tables on you... .she has acted.  She got a diagnosis... .

I appreciate that we got a diagnosis and I am thankful for it.

Well it was kinda a trick that she got tested. She did not know that it would be BPD. But I was as confident as one can be that it would come back as BPD. As was the T. No one said anything for fear she would back out. So did she act or was it just an extension of trying to use therapy against me more, idk.

Now what are you going to do about it?  What can you do to show leadership in your r/s?  To show empathy... .?

Why am I asking you this... .?  pwBPD tend to get "stuck" in places... .and have a hard time getting unstuck.

"Nons" can get stuck as well.  But... .we (nons) tend to be the emotionally healthier ones and more able to do things... .often uncomfortable things... .to get ourselves and our r/s "unstuck". 

Another way to put it... ."waiting" on a pwBPD to act to fix or improve a r/s is generally not a good plan... .

Right, my T says this sort of thing all the time. "The one who has greater emotional health has a greater responsibility to keep the peace and to make changes." I think that this is true. And yes I was stuck for years only now slowly am I waking up... .What am I going to do? Keep working on my BPD skills and on my issues as well. I start with a new T in a few weeks.

[tayana]

If she has gotten a diagnosis, I wouldn't feel like you need to hide your book in the car.  It should show her that you accept her mental illness and are willing to support her.  I know they don't always think this way, but if you tell them enough eventually it gets through. 

It took over a year for my pwBPD to accept the diagnosis.  She kept insisting it described me more than her.  Have grown up with an NPD mother and then a BPD partner I know I have some of those traits, but she did finally accept that the diagnosis was correct.  You are going to have to be the strong one and not give in to her manipulations.  It is really hard and sometimes it really sucks because you love and care about this person and you don't want to hurt them. 

Learn as much as you can.

[takingandsending]

I carry my NAMI Family to Family folder in the trunk of my car in the spare tire compartment, and my SWOE work book in my briefcase. I have Rachel Reiland's book in my office.

I did order Codependent No More from my library and have that out in the open, since it's all about my problems. Still threatens her. Just not as much. 

I hate the sneaking around my uBPDw. It feels wrong. But learning and healing is just that much more important to me right now that I am willing to do it. Maybe try to look into why you do not want to be covert. Is it a tightly held belief of who you are, or do you simply want more opportunities to discuss the BPD diagnosis as a means to leverage your wife into making greater efforts at treatment? For me, it's the former, but it has a lot to do with my FOO and secrets and indirect communications that drive me spare. A lot about me, not much about my wife, in the end.

[thereishope]

I am wondering how people deal with their participation in this site and their pwBPD. I would guess that most people, if not all, keep it secret? I sure feel this need. my wife knows that I believe she has BPD but she is in total denial. so one one level I have nothing hide. but I can imagine all sorts of problems... .

also today I went out and got a copy of The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. I am worried about her seeing me read it, as it could cause a problem. but I sure would like to not have to feel like I have to hide the book in my car. kinda lame.

I find this to be a "catch 22" also... .uBPDh calls me "sneaky" and says I want to hide things from him, which I really don't, but I DO feel a need to keep all this BPD wrestling secret.  What a mess.

[sweetheart]

Hello dog-star,

I do not talk about this site but I did tell my dBPDh that I use an online support forum for spouses/partners of pw mental health issues. He wasn't happy about it, I have never discussed it with him again.

I have bought many books, but read them in the car whilst waiting for school to finish or over a coffee  out of the house. They are kept in the bookcase but my husband doesn't like to read so this part of our home holds no interest for him.

For me these things are triggers for my husband they reinforce to him that he is in some way defective. I respect that's how he feels, acknowledge they are triggers and keep it as part of my life and self-care. It works for me, and if it works without any additional hassle then that's even better. 

[maxsterling]

Interesting and important topic here.  My first knowledge od BPD came from my T - when I went to a T and described my relationship issues, it took her about 30 minutes before she suggested my fiancé had BPD.  About two weeks later, my fiancé was telling me about her mother, and I asked if her mother was ever formally diagnosed with a mental illness, and she said, "yes, the same one I have been diagnosed with, BPD."  I thought her admission to me of her BPD diagnosis would be a breakthrough for us, as we could then openly discuss her issues and treatments.  That hasn't been the case. At times she has expressed that she really doesn't believe in BPD, wants to claim her issues are PTSD or depression or anxiety, or blame the rest of the world (me).  I feel she isn't quite up to accepting her diagnosis and that it is up to her to change her behavior if she wants to be happy. 

I keep this website a secret.  I have read a few books on BPD, the first one I read I kept a secret.  The second one I got was "loving a person with BPD", and she did see that laying around the house.  Her reaction was basically,  "Huh.  I haven't seen this book before." I thought, "good, maybe this will open the door so we can discuss things."  Unfortunately, during the next deregulation she threw the book back at me as proof that I blame her for all our problems and I am focused on her and not on me.  After that incident, I've decided to keep all the things I do for my own well being a secret. 

She did hand me her copy of "Codependent no More".  I think that was her way of blaming our relationship problems on me, saying that I need to fix myself.  I haven't read it yet, just thumbed through.  Right now I find this website my best outlet for dealing with a BPD relationship.

[formflier]

 

I think Max made a great point.

I think that we should keep our efforts to understand BPD "secret" because you never know what will trigger a dysregulation... .or what ammo they will use when dysregulated.

[ColdEthyl]

I am wondering how people deal with their participation in this site and their pwBPD. I would guess that most people, if not all, keep it secret? I sure feel this need. my wife knows that I believe she has BPD but she is in total denial. so one one level I have nothing hide. but I can imagine all sorts of problems... .

also today I went out and got a copy of The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. I am worried about her seeing me read it, as it could cause a problem. but I sure would like to not have to feel like I have to hide the book in my car. kinda lame.

I find this to be a "catch 22" also... .uBPDh calls me "sneaky" and says I want to hide things from him, which I really don't, but I DO feel a need to keep all this BPD wrestling secret.  What a mess.

It is a catch 22. When my dBPDh finally acknowledged to me that this was his condition and he was diagnosed when he was going to therapy (at first in our relationship he told me he had depression) I started gathering materials and found this website. When I would read the book around him, (you dont have to walk on eggshells) he would say things like, "I'm sorry I'm so messed up that you have to read a book to deal with me" so now I just read it at work.

I told him I was on this website, but I never look at it in his presence. For him, a lot of things are out of sight, out of mind.

[formflier]

For him, a lot of things are out of sight, out of mind.

As it is for most people with this disorder... .

So for all the "nons" out there... .please don't feel like you are hiding things from someone with this disorder.  You are actually being respectful of someone with a condition and dealing with information in a way that best "fits" with their condition.

So... .you wouldn't read books about sugary candy around a diabetic... .!  It would be insensitive... . 

So... don't feel bad about reading BPD material away from your pwBPD... .and keeping it to yourself... .

[Grey Kitty]

It is also OK to have private time for yourself, away from your spouse/partner. If this was an online dating site, hiding it would not be OK... .but this site isn't. (In fact I saw a warning somewhere that long-distance relationships started between non's here have gone badly in the past, and any such thing is NOT recommended!)

Part of how/why this site works is that it is private and anonymous. Don't give that up!



As for the other topic--my experience is that it is safest not to ever mention BPD with a pwBPD (diagnosed or not). Even if they accept it at one time, their attitude can change, and it can become charged later.

In addition, I've found that within a r/s addressing specific behavior is more productive than addressing something like BPD, so I don't find myself handicapped in a discussion where I can't use the critical words.

So there is little to gain and plenty to lose.

[dog_star]

I hate the sneaking around my uBPDw. It feels wrong. But learning and healing is just that much more important to me right now that I am willing to do it. Maybe try to look into why you do not want to be covert. Is it a tightly held belief of who you are, or do you simply want more opportunities to discuss the BPD diagnosis as a means to leverage your wife into making greater efforts at treatment? For me, it's the former, but it has a lot to do with my FOO and secrets and indirect communications that drive me spare. A lot about me, not much about my wife, in the end.

yes I feel creepy hiding it. and i would love to be open about BPD with my wife. but my immediate process is that not hiding it will cause conflict.

[formflier]

  but my immediate process is that not hiding it will cause conflict.

I would suggest keeping that as a long term process as well.

It's good to have goals with pwBPD... .and to also rank those goals. 

You don't want to put a lot of energy into something with minimal upside and lots of potential pitfalls...

Not saying never... .some progress is good... .but you should be very deliberate and wise in thinking through where you spend your energy.