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Author Topic: Dealing with Jealousy/Insecurity  (Read 355 times)
CantMakeSenseOfIt

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 12


« on: September 12, 2014, 12:54:26 PM »

I wanted to seek some advice on how to deal with jealousy/insecurity issues.

My wife has always been very jealous and insecure. It has been a massive problem since day 1, that has resulted in me having zero friends that are women -- even her friends.

I've usually been too trusting and chill about her and other guys, but since waking up to her pushing boundaries a little too much, and seeking to be out and about too much (girls nights out, girl's trips away, etc) until I finally snapped a couple of years ago and started to be more aware and cautious in this area.

Of course, if I even ask "who are you going out with" or "where are you going" or "who's this guy to you" questions get labelled with me being insecure, jealous, or controlling.

This last time we went out to an event, where she stopped this guy walking past, gave him a big hug, chatted, and then said goodbye... .without even introducing me, which I thought was pretty rude. When I asked who is he, I got the standard line about me being jealous and controlling... .which led to a 5 day blowout where we were going to divorce. Turns out they work out together, are friends on facebook and chat quite a lot... .and I knew little about all this, because it has nothing to do with me of course.

The same day we patch things up, her friend (who is a woman who is older, out of shape, and who my wife has asked me to help her in the past) texts me and asks me if I could pick her up at the car dealership on the way into work next week (we commute to similar places). My wife grabbed my phone the instant I came home from work, went through all my texts and emails (as she often does) and she freaked out on me.

"This is how affairs start!" "How could you plan this and not tell me" (I just got home!) etc, etc, etc... .

And we're back on the rocks again. It's so one sided -- she can go out/away, but when I do the same I get the third degree, even if it's a work thing. She can go through my phone but if I even touch hers I'm being controlling. I get grilled about everything, have to remember every conversation I had with every woman at work and if I miss a detail and she finds out later, it's like I'm lying to her. She can have guy friends, hug guys, etc... .but if I even talk to the girl wrong at Starbucks I'm going to "accidentally" have sex with her.

The double standard is killing me, as is knowing that if she is BPD, she is at higher risk of having an affair herself.

I'm no fool, I keep aware without being a creep about it. I trust her, don't go through her stuff, but try to listen to my gut and be aware of what she's up to without being all spy vs spy about it.

But I can't even talk to a girl and she can go hang out and hug random guys and I can't even ask who he is? And she doesn't think it's rude at all that she didn't even introduce me when I'm standing right there?

And yes, this has happened in the past, normally I just go introduce myself.
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maxsterling
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
Posts: 2772



« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2014, 02:15:55 PM »

My feeling is that jealousy is a natural emotion that will always be there. It's up to her to control and understand her jealousy just as it is up to you to understand and control yours. 

The real issue here, as I see it, is the double standard.  Double standards are relationship killers.  She may not be able to do much about her jealous feelings, but I think she can do something about the double standard.  From what I read on here, I think the appropriate strategy is to somehow validate that jealousy is a natural emotion, and then try and re-assure her that your only interest is in her. 

I have the same issues in my relationship, although not to this extreme.  And, I see this as something that could easily destroy my relationship.  I dread the inevitable day where I have to deal with this issue again.   

As an example, an ex of mine lives in a picturesque tourist town near here.  This was a woman I only dated 6 months, was very abusive to me, and I have no desire to see again or be friends with.  Yet a few weeks ago, my fiancé went on a mini diatribe about how she never wants to visit or even drive through that town because my ex lives there, and how that town is now ruined for her.  Keep in mind this is a town/area of renowned beauty, only about an hour and a half from here, and kinda hard to avoid.  But, that's the way she feels, and while disappointing to hear her talk that way, that's not what bothers me.  What bothers me is that a month from now, we are going to New York, where she used to live, a place where I am sure she has PLENTY of exes that live.  And she says she even plans on seeing one of her exes whom she is still friends with!  I really have no jealousy over that, and I would emotionally be able to handle meeting him, yet should the situation come up where I am asked to meet him, I think I will have to decline as to not participate in the double standard.  What would bother me is not that she is friends with him, but that she gives me a big stink about not wanting to visit one tourist town over the potential she may bump into my ex, meanwhile I am expected to visit her tourist town and not have the same reservations.  I can't do anything about the jealousy, but I can refuse to participate in the double standard. 
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itgirl
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: 4 years living together
Posts: 195



« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2014, 03:37:44 AM »

I am dealing at the moment with double standard.  Exactly like the OP story.  She can go out and meet new people.  If I ask anything then I’m controlling and possessive.  But I am not allowed to see my best friend.

I am now in a standoff.  If I cut all contact with my best friend then my partner may return and work on the relationship.  If I stand my ground and just do minimal contact with my friend she will move out the house in two months.  She has already found a new place to move to.

I don’t know what to do.  My parents say to she needs to grow up.  My other siblings say cut contact with your best friend.  This is all so unhealthy.

I need advice.

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