Any experience or suggestions for being painted black for a prolonged period?

[hope2727]

Well I think mine may have moved on to a replacement as the current silence is deafening. I am really missing him these days. We had a lovely life on So many levels.  It's sad really to see that they can't just relax and enjoy the happiness. He is missing out on so much. Sorry to go on about it but no one out here in the real world understands. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drummerboy]

I don't think that they can enjoy the happiness because it is based on a fantasy. He didn't fall in love with you, he fell in love with a perfect person that he created in his head. When he realised you were a real human being, who is not perfect, his fantasy crumbled and you got the blame for not playing your impossible part.

Well I think mine may have moved on to a replacement as the current silence is deafening. I am really missing him these days. We had a lovely life on So many levels.  It's sad really to see that they can't just relax and enjoy the happiness. He is missing out on so much. Sorry to go on about it but no one out here in the real world understands. 

[Indyan]

I don't think that they can enjoy the happiness because it is based on a fantasy. He didn't fall in love with you, he fell in love with a perfect person that he created in his head. When he realised you were a real human being, who is not perfect, his fantasy crumbled and you got the blame for not playing your impossible part.

It's weird because when I told uBPDbf about BPD, he could have been shocked about a mountain of things but there's ONE thing that he kept repeating, even months later, it was "You said that the beautiful things I did were out of illness, not love." He just couldn't accept that part. Part btw I didn't remember reading to him but anyway.

I think to him it meant that the ONLY beautiful things in his life were "fake", and of course it's unbearable.

I don't fully agree with the above statement. I mean, they loved us sincerely but didn't feel they deserved the love... .

I used to be able to joke about the yo-yo some months ago, telling him "I feel you love me less today... .", but after a while he asked me to stop, he said it made him unconfortable.

[drummerboy]

Yes, they did love us sincerely, no doubt about that and they loved with a intensity that most of us have not experienced since the love of our parents. That's why it is so hard for us to let go. Most of us have never had love showered on us with that intensity in a relationship. Who couldn't want more of that? Who couldn't crave that like a drug when it was taken away? I'm not sure that they felt that they didn't deserve the love. They were loving a person that they had created in their mind and when they realised that their creation and us were different people it was game over.

I don't fully agree with the above statement. I mean, they loved us sincerely but didn't feel they deserved the love... .

I used to be able to joke about the yo-yo some months ago, telling him "I feel you love me less today... .", but after a while he asked me to stop, he said it made him unconfortable.

[hope2727]

All of your comments make sense in their own ways.

Mine told me I should psychically know what he needed at all times without him telling me. I of course told him that was impossible. He expected me to be perfect and never make mistakes but he was allowed to do anything and be forgiven. He wanted his cake and to eat it too.

But i miss him. I do. Our date night was fridays. Fridays are hard. Today is friday. I have to go to a birthday party and I really don't want to go but I will. I just want to call my ex fiance and tell him how loved and missed he is and talk him into coming over and going walking in the rain under our big umbrella. Stupid I know. Hopeless I know. Sigh.

I booked an apt with a psych who specializes in BPD and BP for tomorrow morning. I want to work on myself and get unstuck in this grieving. I also want to make sure it isn't me. IF I have these tendencies I want to get better. I would never want to do any of the things he did to me to someone else. I really hope it helps.

Somehow no matter what happens I want to be better for this experience.

[drummerboy]

hope, with your attitude you WILL get better!

Your brain was re-wired because of the exBPD. The massive missing him IS because of you but a good T will really help you, its not a quick process but in the end you will be learn better ways of approaching relationships.

All of your comments make sense in their own ways.

Mine told me I should psychically know what he needed at all times without him telling me. I of course told him that was impossible. He expected me to be perfect and never make mistakes but he was allowed to do anything and be forgiven. He wanted his cake and to eat it too.

But i miss him. I do. Our date night was fridays. Fridays are hard. Today is friday. I have to go to a birthday party and I really don't want to go but I will. I just want to call my ex fiance and tell him how loved and missed he is and talk him into coming over and going walking in the rain under our big umbrella. Stupid I know. Hopeless I know. Sigh.

I booked an apt with a psych who specializes in BPD and BP for tomorrow morning. I want to work on myself and get unstuck in this grieving. I also want to make sure it isn't me. IF I have these tendencies I want to get better. I would never want to do any of the things he did to me to someone else. I really hope it helps.

Somehow no matter what happens I want to be better for this experience.

[hope2727]

Thank you. I am really excited to get started. I welcome any ideas of where to start. I just want to be happy again and become my best me.

[Indyan]

The massive missing him IS because of you but a good T will really help you, its not a quick process but in the end you will be learn better ways of approaching relationships.

I personnally disagree with the stuff about "being hooked" or "co-dependancy" etc.

I was dumped in July with no warning, as he just lost his mind. I had to cope with him being away, going on hols alone with the kids, telling my parents (who were going to meet him for the 1st time) that we weren't coming visit together. And then, while mourning my relationship with him, find a nanny for my baby, a job, contact the social services etc. He has tried to reverse the situation several times (saying I AM the one who kicked him out of the house and went on hols on my own - whatever).

All this to say: feeling sad, missing the person that we love is a NORMAL BEHAVIOUR.

It's the reverse which is crazy. I loved him deeply and sincerely and I DO miss that man. I DO wish he'll get better, and I still have a bit of hope that the good side of him will grow positively. But maybe I say this because he told me many, many, times that he was aware of his "problem" and wanted things to change. I know he hasn't found the help he needs yet, and I hope he will. But, for his defense, I know he has seeked this help and still is.

Missing someone, mourning the relationship with that person, wanting to help them etc, has a name, it's called: LOVE. I'll add another ingredient to my pain: the pain inflicted by a mentally ill person. Because their behaviour is so unpredictable, that every reaction (good or bad) comes as a shock to us.

I refuse to name my love anything else but true love. It's NOT dependancy and all that cr*p. I know very well I'm not more dependant than anyone else. I used to be married to a soldier who was away weeks on, and never complained about it.

No, I miss the man I love, because he is ill and has forgotten how precious our r/s and our family life were.

[Indyan]

I booked an apt with a psych who specializes in BPD and BP for tomorrow morning. I want to work on myself and get unstuck in this grieving. I also want to make sure it isn't me. IF I have these tendencies I want to get better. I would never want to do any of the things he did to me to someone else. I really hope it helps.

Somehow no matter what happens I want to be better for this experience.

I did that too, two weeks ago. I went to see THE BPD specialist in my country as he was organizing a group therapy for BPD relatives.

It turned out that I was the only one there, and had the T all for myself. I can't describe how much good it did to me. Feeling understood, hearing that I wasn't the crazy one (even if I knew that it was good to hear it ), having someone who explained why he behaved the way he did, and what I did that triggered his reactions. Talking about ME, that REALLY felt good. It felt like the therapist opened a door in me, as if suddenly there was light at the end of the tunnel.

It's this man that BPD bf or s2bxbf is seeing on Monday, and I do hope he'll find some kind of key to all his locked up doors too.

I wish you the best with your therapy. And please do bear something in mind: time is different for pwBPD than it is to us. Use this time to build a strong self-esteem and pick up the pieces, feel good about yourself, and then you'll see what happens with the BPDso.

[willtimeheal]

The massive missing him IS because of you but a good T will really help you, its not a quick process but in the end you will be learn better ways of approaching relationships.

I personnally disagree with the stuff about "being hooked" or "co-dependancy" etc.

I was dumped in July with no warning, as he just lost his mind. I had to cope with him being away, going on hols alone with the kids, telling my parents (who were going to meet him for the 1st time) that we weren't coming visit together. And then, while mourning my relationship with him, find a nanny for my baby, a job, contact the social services etc. He has tried to reverse the situation several times (saying I AM the one who kicked him out of the house and went on hols on my own - whatever).

All this to say: feeling sad, missing the person that we love is a NORMAL BEHAVIOUR.

It's the reverse which is crazy. I loved him deeply and sincerely and I DO miss that man. I DO wish he'll get better, and I still have a bit of hope that the good side of him will grow positively. But maybe I say this because he told me many, many, times that he was aware of his "problem" and wanted things to change. I know he hasn't found the help he needs yet, and I hope he will. But, for his defense, I know he has seeked this help and still is.

Missing someone, mourning the relationship with that person, wanting to help them etc, has a name, it's called: LOVE. I'll add another ingredient to my pain: the pain inflicted by a mentally ill person. Because their behaviour is so unpredictable, that every reaction (good or bad) comes as a shock to us.

I refuse to name my love anything else but true love. It's NOT dependancy and all that cr*p. I know very well I'm not more dependant than anyone else. I used to be married to a soldier who was away weeks on, and never complained about it.

No, I miss the man I love, because he is ill and has forgotten how precious our r/s and our family life were.

I can see your point Indyan but I disagree with you.  There is no doubt I loved my BPD and wanted to help her. The problem with mine was she didn't think she had a problem. She thought it was all me. Granted I brought my own issues to the relationship but I didn't run all the way across the US and marry a stranger because I was mad at her. I don't drink 24/7 to forget my problems. I don't didn't tell her I loved her and then have some else on the side. I never belittled her or put her down for sport. But she did to me. The fact is when I learned all of this about her I stayed. Why?  I would have never have put up with this from anyone else but from her I did. So I do agree that I was "hooked" or "co dependent"  but being hooked or co dependent are my issues not hers.

[hope2727]

Indyan

THANK YOU!

I keep struggling with the code pendant vs love thing. There has to be a spectrum I suppose. I too understand co-dependency well. I definitely was enmeshed with my ex-husband a decade ago. But years of therapy for me has given me better (not perfect) boundaries. I do love my ex fiancé. I miss him. I would glove to help him but not at further cost to myself. He has to walk that journey fir himself. I was only ever able to walk beside him.

Could you explain the time passes differently for them ? I just want to understand it better.

[Indyan]

The problem with mine was she didn't think she had a problem. She thought it was all me.

She NEVER showed a temporary glimpse of moment of insight?

I thought they all did, every now and then. 

That must have been really hard then. The thing that kept me going (and still does a little today) is that at times he admitted EVERYTHING: he apologized, he said he had a big problem, that yes BPD did sound like him, that he wanted to change his ways to become a good parent etc.

And he never said all this to make me stay, never. He usually said this when we were really close, as a confidence.

[hope2727]

Ok so the counsellor seems good. I set goals of understanding my own part in the dynamic, learning about DBT and regulating my own emotions better. HE is a specialist in BPD and BP so hopefully it will be productive. I have this pit of my stomach fear that I will be the one labeled BPD now. I know thats paranoid and I know that if I am all the more reason to attend counselling. I just like everyone else in life don't want to be labelled. I would like to be "perfect" what a joke. Oh well if I have those tendencies all the more reason to work on them. If its just a matter of having picked up some bad behaviours from my ex fiancé then thats a good reason to work through them too. Man I hope I am doing the right thing.

Has anyone here don't counselling on their own and found that they were nervous of being labelled? Has anyone got any suggestions? I like the counsellor and will go once a week until further notice but I would really like to think that I am not the "crazy" one. Maybe I am who knows. Sigh I am so confused.

[hope2727]

"And he never said all this to make me stay, never. He usually said this when we were really close, as a confidence.

"

Yup mine was like this too. He felt safe and close I think and then would tell me how he needed help and wanted to be happy.

[Indyan]

Could you explain the time passes differently for them ? I just want to understand it better.

Well from my experience (rather short but intense) and from sharing other people's experiences, I realized that yes, our perception regarding time differs from theirs. I also read a few times that "they lose track of time when they are not well, when they feel empty inside."

I mean, if, say, you were angry at your BF and refused to talk to him, a few days would seem eternity.

But to them it looks like time flies... .days, even weeks of chaos and confusion and they survive in there, while we keep walking in circles like a lion in his cage.

I know a 60 yr old man whose 60 yr old gf goes silent every few months for about 2 months. Nothing, no phone call, no mail, no nothing. And of course it drives him crazy. Then suddenly she calls him, crying, telling him she can't live without him blah blah blah. As if 2 months later she was in exactly the same state.

Here I kind of experience the same thing. He's been painting me black on and off for 3 months, and I could thing is doing great without me. But I know he isn't. His dad told me today on the phone that "he was feeling really really bad" (not sure whether it means anger or sadness, I prefered not to ask as I refuse to care for his moods anymore).

I think this stretched out time comes from the slowness of their emotions to settle, compared to ours.

Where it would take 2 days for us to feel a lot better, it takes them 2 months!

[Indyan]

Has anyone here don't counselling on their own and found that they were nervous of being labelled? Has anyone got any suggestions? I like the counsellor and will go once a week until further notice but I would really like to think that I am not the "crazy" one. Maybe I am who knows. Sigh I am so confused.

I think it's a normal reaction after living with someone with BPD/NPD. THEY keep telling us we are to blame and basically accuse us of every trait they have. Mine even said I was NP... .what a joke. His ex too was NP... .

My T probably knew this as, not only he confirmed BPD bf was BPD, but added that I didn't have a disorder too.

If you doubt your sanity (at least on an emotionnal level), it shows how much damage all this has done to you and that it really is the time to take care of yourself.

[willtimeheal]

The problem with mine was she didn't think she had a problem. She thought it was all me.

She NEVER showed a temporary glimpse of moment of insight?

I thought they all did, every now and then. 

That must have been really hard then. The thing that kept me going (and still does a little today) is that at times he admitted EVERYTHING: he apologized, he said he had a big problem, that yes BPD did sound like him, that he wanted to change his ways to become a good parent etc.

And he never said all this to make me stay, never. He usually said this when we were really close, as a confidence.

I was always to blame in the relationship no matter what. Never got an apology that was sincere or meant anything. Actually I found out what she apologized for were actually lies in the first place. But I never got an apology for the initial lie. She would reason it out in her warpped mind that the lie was the truth and I was to blame. Even when my mom had a heart attack and I was at the hospital. I spent too much time at the hospital so she was forced to get attention from someone else. She is BPD and probably a sociopath too.

[drummerboy]

My ex was an expert (so she thought) at diagnosing the mental condition of everyone but herself! She actually had a degree in psych, pity she couldn't examine herself. She went through therapists like crazy, then stopped, went off meds and started going to a homeopath!

Has anyone here don't counselling on their own and found that they were nervous of being labelled? Has anyone got any suggestions? I like the counsellor and will go once a week until further notice but I would really like to think that I am not the "crazy" one. Maybe I am who knows. Sigh I am so confused.

I think it's a normal reaction after living with someone with BPD/NPD. THEY keep telling us we are to blame and basically accuse us of every trait they have. Mine even said I was NP... .what a joke. His ex too was NP... .

My T probably knew this as, not only he confirmed BPD bf was BPD, but added that I didn't have a disorder too.

If you doubt your sanity (at least on an emotionnal level), it shows how much damage all this has done to you and that it really is the time to take care of yourself.

[willtimeheal]

Ok so the counsellor seems good. I set goals of understanding my own part in the dynamic, learning about DBT and regulating my own emotions better. HE is a specialist in BPD and BP so hopefully it will be productive. I have this pit of my stomach fear that I will be the one labeled BPD now. I know thats paranoid and I know that if I am all the more reason to attend counselling. I just like everyone else in life don't want to be labelled. I would like to be "perfect" what a joke. Oh well if I have those tendencies all the more reason to work on them. If its just a matter of having picked up some bad behaviours from my ex fiancé then thats a good reason to work through them too. Man I hope I am doing the right thing.

Has anyone here don't counselling on their own and found that they were nervous of being labelled? Has anyone got any suggestions? I like the counsellor and will go once a week until further notice but I would really like to think that I am not the "crazy" one. Maybe I am who knows. Sigh I am so confused.

I was  nervous when I started therapy. It think that is normal. I think there is a big fear about being labeled or maybe finding out that you are the crazy one. I talked about that a lot in therapy. I was told that the fact that I sought out help and am able to look at myself and my behavior shows that I am in fact not crazy. Sitting on that couch and revealing the most personal things about yourself and facing those things yourself is brave and courageous.  It takes guts to admit you need help and face your problems. Anyone can run away.  So no you have nothing to fear... .You are not crazy. You are courageous and strong.

[hope2727]

Well the 2nd therapy session went well. We discussed anger and why I feel the need to not be angry. I guess its because I was raised with lots of anger (from my father) and a peace keeping mother. So I too have become a peace keeper.

I am allowed to have needs and emotions and express them.

What do ya know. I am allowed to be treated well and have my needs met. Funny how that worked out.

Ok well today is a gorgeous day and fro some reason I am super sad. I miss him. I really do. I want to call him but there is no point. He has to get well first. I see no real evidence of improvement from his camp. I have to get well. I have only taken the very first baby steps. SO NC continues. Sigh.