How long does 'Idealizing' usually last?

[Algae]

Just out of curiousity... how long does the idolizing stage last until it goes into the Devaluation stage?

My ex has been splitting with me 5 or 6 times... each time she goes into idolizing.  Now shes idolizing someone else who she has nothing in common with.  She's mirroring them, pretending she believes in God, likes football (she has no idea what the rules are), and pretending she loves disney when she hates it... just because the other person loves it all.

But yes... simple question.  How long does this idolizing stage last?  What makes it end?  What happens when it starts to shut down?  Etc etc?

Heres my thread about it all if you care to know My Story.  Nobody posted or responded ._.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232857.0

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[waverider]

Just out of curiousity... how long does the idolizing stage last until it goes into the Devaluation stage?

My ex has been splitting with me 5 or 6 times... each time she goes into idolizing.  Now shes idolizing someone else who she has nothing in common with.  She's mirroring them, pretending she believes in God, likes football (she has no idea what the rules are), and pretending she loves disney when she hates it... just because the other person loves it all.

But yes... simple question.  How long does this idolizing stage last?  What makes it end?  What happens when it starts to shut down?  Etc etc?

Heres my thread about it all if you care to know My Story.  Nobody posted or responded ._.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232857.0

The term that is normally used with pwBPD is idealize rather than idolize as it carries with it the component of delusion.

There is no set time frame for this. A lot will depend how the other person receives it and feeds it back to them providing the necessary validation they require. Often the recipient has insecurity issues themselves and so becomes enmeshed in this new developing bond.

The initial idealization phase is often the most full on, recycled versions tend not to be too lasting unless they shift to more realistic expectations.

Keep in mind this phase is a two way thing, we have to own our part in allowing it happen. The usual problem is we are not educated to it.


This is a useful question though and the real experiences of others here would be very helpful in aiding our understanding and recognition. after all it usually the part that got is into the mess in the first place.

[Algae]

Just out of curiousity... how long does the idolizing stage last until it goes into the Devaluation stage?

My ex has been splitting with me 5 or 6 times... each time she goes into idolizing.  Now shes idolizing someone else who she has nothing in common with.  She's mirroring them, pretending she believes in God, likes football (she has no idea what the rules are), and pretending she loves disney when she hates it... just because the other person loves it all.

But yes... simple question.  How long does this idolizing stage last?  What makes it end?  What happens when it starts to shut down?  Etc etc?

Heres my thread about it all if you care to know My Story.  Nobody posted or responded ._.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232857.0

The term that is normally used with pwBPD is idealize rather than idolize as it carries with it the component of delusion.

There is no set time frame for this. A lot will depend how the other person receives it and feeds it back to them providing the necessary validation they require. Often the recipient has insecurity issues themselves and so becomes enmeshed in this new developing bond.

The initial idealization phase is often the most full on, recycled versions tend not to be too lasting unless they shift to more realistic expectations.

Keep in mind this phase is a two way thing, we have to own our part in allowing it happen. The usual problem is we are not educated to it.


This is a useful question though and the real experiences of others here would be very helpful in aiding our understanding and recognition. after all it usually the part that got is into the mess in the first place.

I agree.  I would love to hear other peoples stories on the matter.

But what if the recipient doesnt have insecurity issues at all?  And i apologize, but what does the pw before the BPD mean?

It's only been 3 weeks as of now, and shes still being as clingy as ever from what I can tell, and he doesnt seem to mind, which is weird since she doesnt even really like anything he's into.

[waverider]

pwBPD =person with BPD.

Insecurities can be subtle, most people have them to a degree or so, otherwise idealization behaviors would have little impact and the quick bonding that occurs as a result would not develop.

[Algae]

pwBPD =person with BPD.

Insecurities can be subtle, most people have them to a degree or so, otherwise idealization behaviors would have little impact and the quick bonding that occurs as a result would not develop.

Idk .  I was thinking about it in a totally different sense.

I thought of it like... .the partner wasn't insecure almost at all (which I know they almost arent).  And the pwBPD is so insecure that they almost will never go outside or be around people.

But the pwBPD will still mirror the partner they just met out of a crush.  And the partner will think, "Hey... this person is just like me!  They have everything in common with me!"

So wouldnt that in a sense... develop a quick bond?  Even though they have almost NOTHING in common.

[waverider]

Often it is hard to understand what a pwBPD really does like as it can change as they pass through these idealizations phases during the course of their lives.

Does someone revert back to their own independent core interest, or is their life an evolution from one interest to another, each being triggered by those close to them.

The problem with recycling is that the previous ares of idealization have run their course, along with your receptiveness to the authenticity, so trying to slip back into that bond does not continue where it left off. This causes the recycle to be short lived

[waverider]

"Hey... this person is just like me!  They have everything in common with me!"

So wouldnt that in a sense... develop a quick bond?  Even though they have almost NOTHING in common.

Totally self confident people are not as influenced by people just because they appear to be interested in their stuff.

Part of idealization can have a component of the rescuer to it, to make the object of the idealization feel good about themselves.

A self confident person might think this instead

"Hey... this person is just like me,  They have everything in common with me"

ie they would drop the exclamation marks

[Algae]

Often it is hard to understand what a pwBPD really does like as it can change as they pass through these idealizations phases during the course of their lives.

Does someone revert back to their own independent core interest, or is their life an evolution from one interest to another, each being triggered by those close to them.

The problem with recycling is that the previous ares of idealization have run their course, along with your receptiveness to the authenticity, so trying to slip back into that bond does not continue where it left off. This causes the recycle to be short lived

No no I apologize, but what I meant with my last post was, that If the pwBPD was getting into a whole new relationship instead of recycling.  

Thats basically what happened to me.  She dumped me no explanation and dated a guy she's only known for 9 days.  She's mirroring everything about him from liking disney, to believing God, to even changing her whole appearance just to be accepted.   And I was thinking that maybe the bond formed becuase the person she likes thinks they REALLY do have all this stuff in common, when in reality... they don't.


As for your post... I agree.  It is hard to understand what somebody likes.  Whenever my exBPD comes back ever 3 months (which she ALWAYS does and has about 5 times), she worships me and idolizes me almost to a sexual point.  Obsesses... clings... likes everything I like.  Listens to ALL my CD's and bands and even dresses different.  However, She DOES have her own independent core interests of loving Wolves and music and drawing and such.  I counter her idolization by doing what she loves instead of what I love from time to time

[Algae]

"Hey... this person is just like me!  They have everything in common with me!"

So wouldnt that in a sense... develop a quick bond?  Even though they have almost NOTHING in common.

Part of idealization can have a component of the rescuer to it, to make the object of the idealization feel good about themselves.

This actually makes a lot of sense.  I've seen it quite a bit.

[waverider]

As for your post... I agree.  It is hard to understand what somebody likes.  Whenever my exBPD comes back ever 3 months (which she ALWAYS does and has about 5 times), she worships me and idolizes me almost to a sexual point.  Obsesses... clings... likes everything I like.  Listens to ALL my CD's and bands and even dresses different.  

Does that make you feel good or does it put you off? Some people find that a turn off especially once you believe it is idealiztion and not necessarily that deep.

However, She DOES have her own independent core interests of loving Wolves and music and drawing and such.  I counter her idolization by doing what she loves instead of what I love from time to time

This is good, does she require your participation our is it something she can just go off and do on her own quite happily?


Keep in mind what you read and hear about BPD is not universal to every pwBPD. They are traits which vary from person to person and absent completely in others. Regardless of teh disorder everyone and every RS is unique.

[Algae]

As for your post... I agree.  It is hard to understand what somebody likes.  Whenever my exBPD comes back ever 3 months (which she ALWAYS does and has about 5 times), she worships me and idolizes me almost to a sexual point.  Obsesses... clings... likes everything I like.  Listens to ALL my CD's and bands and even dresses different.  

Does that make you feel good or does it put you off? Some people find that a turn off especially once you believe it is idealiztion and not necessarily that deep.

However, She DOES have her own independent core interests of loving Wolves and music and drawing and such.  I counter her idolization by doing what she loves instead of what I love from time to time

This is good, does she require your participation our is it something she can just go off and do on her own quite happily?


Keep in mind what you read and hear about BPD is not universal to every pwBPD. They are traits which vary from person to person and absent completely in others. Regardless of teh disorder everyone and every RS is unique.

As for your first question...

Yes it did make me feel good.  It made me feel amazing and almost like I was the only person in her world.  I've done so much for this girl and I figured that she was finally realizing it.  When i let her back into my life last time, she came crying to me, begging for another chance.  She gave me gifts and said that she was sorry for abandoning me.  She IS on meds for depression and she does cut.  She also has a fear of abandonment.  I DID NOT however, know that she was idolizing me.  I really thought that it was the REAL her... and that they were REAL feelings.  Thats why I loved them, and that is why they made me feel good.

Now though, they scare me.  If she came back next week (Which she will eventually).  I would be scared because I would know that her feelings would not be genuine.  Almost as if I was talking to a computer.  Nothing I talk to her about would matter, because the next day she could instantly change and paint be black.  If I told her to get help... she might paint me black due to my aggression toward her.

For your second question... .

She does not require me to participate in what she loves.  She usually does what she loves by herself when shes alone.  Drawing wolves on her tablet (INCREDIBLY talented), doing anything art related or fashion related.  Listening to music, watching her favorite movies.  And I always join along and participate, by showing her my drawings or telling her my favorite songs on her favorite albums to make her feel like shes not alone.  Or I'll watch her favorite show with her.

I can tell when she is being fake though.  She'll look through my music and listen to my favorite bands and talk to me like a robot.  This only happens during the idolization phase though (After she always comes back).  Then after that phase... nothing perks her up anymore unless its about HER or what shes doing.  Ive read that this is also normal with BPDs

[Algae]

Keep in mind what you read and hear about BPD is not universal to every pwBPD. They are traits which vary from person to person and absent completely in others. Regardless of teh disorder everyone and every RS is unique.

I understand.  Everything Ive read thus far though is basically everything I've come to know from her.  I've known this girl for 4 years... and have known she's had problems, but I've never really understood what they were.  She idolizes, splits, mirrors, and so much more.  She mirrors just to make friends (mostly just online friends).

But I do worry that If she comes back, and I approach her about this... i have no idea how to bring up the point that I think she needs help.  I don't think she will believe me and I think she will be resistant and paint me black.

As for now... I'm just concerned about how long her idolization phase will last .  I DO want her to message me... but not to get her back.  I just want to help her.