This is his 2nd family violence charge

[lostntx]

Greetings!  Where to begin... .my husband has BPD & last week he tried to strangle me & ive no idea how to handle this or what to do or where to go... .he is currently in jail & may go to prison.  This is his 2nd family violence charge.  His ex of 10 yrs ago was abused by him as well.   Im struggling with whether or not he deserves to be in jail.  No one understands my dilima on this.  To them its cut & dry.  He tried to strangle you he goes to jail period.  But they do not know the his enemy as I do.  The faces of dr jeckll & mr hyde.  I love good j with all of my heart.   He is the love of my life but I hate bad j.  Hes ugly & violent.   But they exist in the same body... .and during a full on rage good j usually doesn't remember what bad j did... .such as now... .he does not remember what he did.  Part of that im sure was the alcohol.   He had been out drinking with friends.  But part of it is the black out.  Usually when something bad happens he says he blacked out.  Im so CONFUSED!  What do I do?  Im just so confused... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[catnap]

I am glad that you are safe and can fully understand why you are so lost and confused.  You have come to the right place to get support and understanding.

Has your husband been formally diagnosed with BPD?  If so, has/is he receiving treatment?  :)oes your husband want to work on his issues?  

[Turkish]

I'm sorry that you feel confused. The justice system does certainly see things "cut and dry" as you say, focusing on the action, not the person.

If he stays in jail, or goes to prison, he's being taken away from you, and that must hurt. Unless he receives treatment, his behavior will likely not change. It's hard to split the person we love, the warmth from the cold; the rage from the tenderness. BPD is hard enough an illness to deal with, and adding in substance use complicates things. It's likely that he was being truthful that he doesn't remember the violence. Dissociation is a common trait for pwBPD (people with BPD):

BPD BEHAVIORS:Dissociation and Dysphoria

This doesn't change the fact, however, that you deserve to remain safe.

How are you dealing with being alone now, do you have support from family, friends, or a therapist? I'm glad you joined us, and I hope we can help support you however we can  

Turkish

[lostntx]

Thank yall so much for the kind words.  J has not been formally diagnosed as BPD but he has seen a psychiatrist on & off for about 2 yrs now.  He gets very frustrated when the meds dont work & quits.   He hates his disease.   He hates being like he is & living with the feelings he has.  Thats why ive stayed with him & subjected myself to the emotional & verbal abuse.  But this time he went to a whole new level.  He almost killed me & there is no way I can justify staying this time . 

When we met it was a long distance relationship so I never saw the other side.  All I saw was the good side.  The side I fell in love with.  It wasnt until he moved in that the other side started creeping out.  When I finally saw that there was a problem I started looking at different illnesses trying to get answers.  When I found BPD it was like a light bulb went off... .He was classic textbook.   Of course with my naivete I thought ok we have the illness now all we have to do is find the right meds & we can have a normal life... .yeah right... .find the right meds... .good luck with that one.  You see how well THAT turned out.  Anyway so here we are. ... .he's in jail & I am left to pick up the pieces & try to make sense of all of this... .my hopes & dreams have been shattered everything I waited so long for gone in an instant.  I know I am very lucky to be alive but that doesn't seem to take away the hurt & confusion.   I keep asking why me?  Why why why?  Why did he do this?  Why?  Anyway... .I have a wonderful support group between my friends & my family even though ive been a horrible friend.  It was just easier not to contact anyone than to listen to all the suspicious accusations if someone txt or called.  Lucky for me my friends knew why I stopped calling & still love me... .the biggest struggle I have is deciding whether or not to pursue the charges against him... .I feel so sorry for him... .on the one hand I think hes sick & its not really his fault but then I think well yes it is... .he knew he had a problem which means he had a responsibility to get help for that problem & to stay away from any form of substance abuse.  He was reckless in his actions & put my life in danger... .he needs to pay the price... .ugh!  I hate this ... .

[catnap]

He almost killed me & there is no way I can justify staying this time

I agree that it would be far too dangerous to continue living with him.  I am so glad that you have a strong support system to help you through this.  Have you considered a therapist for yourself?  Many of our members (myself included) have found this to be very helpful.