Is it me or her?

[gentquality]

Hello folks,

I'm in a relationship with a girl with possible BPD.  In the course of our relationship she has accused me so much I'm also debating whether it's really me or not. 

Here is a little introduction of who I am.  I'm 31 years old, male, currently working in finance.  I currently reside in NY USA, all of my family is resides in S. Korea, they left when I was 25 with my brother because my grand parents got sick.

My GF is a 29 year old female, currently lives with her mother (whom I believe is bipolar which I will get into later) and also works in finance.


Wit that said I'll give you guys a  quick scenario of our recent fight here.

The recent fight we had was on saturday.  I was going to pick her up at 4:30 (she does not drive or willing to take any type of public transportation to my house).  It was around 340, I texted her hey I waited to eat with you so don't eat just yet! I'll take us to your favorite restaurant.  She texts back her mother made food for her.  So I told her alright cool, I'll go eat before I come pick you up.  So I head out quickly as it was raining and she lives 12 miles away.  I goto a fast food joint next to my house and she texts me where I am.  I told her I'm picking up food, going to eat in my car and head right over.

She becomes EXTREMELY upset saying, "I can't believe you didn't tell me you were going out to eat.  I always tell you where I am and you never tell me"  I texted back saying, "I did tell you I was going to eat before I came, I had to leave right away because I didn't know you were eating already and it's going to take 30 minutes to goto your house"  I call her to explain to her and she gets so upset she just hangs up on the phone on me (weird because she preaches one should never hang up on each other as it's disrespectful but she does it all the time)


So we fight about this for the whole day, in the end i ended up apologizing to her and we made up.  This morning I call her before she gets to work and ask her what shes up to.  So she tells me she's picking up breakfast and dunkin donuts.  I asked her, "did you notice, how you become extremely upset when I don't tell you EXACTLY where I am eventhough I tell you I'm going to eat before I come to you and yet it's ok for you not to tell me you're even leaving the house?"

I told her normally I wouldn't really care and it doesn't matter whre youre going to get breakfast but becuse you bust my chops constantly over things like this, I have to also let you know, you should follow your own protocol and I'm a little upset I'm viewed under such a microscope but you're not.

then she flips out and hangs up on me and texts me "i'm so tired of you ruining my mood, don't bother texting me"

So I haven't texted her back yet.  This happens all the time with EVERYTHING.  I can't cound how many times I'm driving home from work and didn't see her text me then she accuses me of cheating on her and becomes upset and BLAMES ME for it. 

Is this symptoms of BPD? I need help here because I love this girl and I'm having a tough time understanding her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Hi, gentquality, 

While a proper diagnosis would require her actually seeing a therapist, I can tell you her behavior is very similar to what I have experienced, and my fiancé has been diagnosed numerous times with BPD.

This disorder is one where double standards in relationships are the norm.  Actually, double standards rule the lives of pwBPD - they would be very upset if people did the same back to them that they did to others.  The situation with the food is nearly exactly the same as what I experienced the other day.  It was about dinner time, we had had a late lunch, she kept remarking how she wasn't hungry for dinner, asked me if I was hungry yet, and I said no.  She eventually ate a few snacks, and about an hour later I got up to heat a very small meal.  Her response?  "you told me you didn't want to eat dinner!  I wouldn't have eaten those snacks and would have waited if I knew you were going to eat!"

It's frustrating, but not hopeless.  Being in a relationship with a person who has BPD (or has the traits thereof) requires you to adapt a different communication skillset than what you were raised with.  Have you taken a look at the links on the right hand side of the page?  They've been very helpful to me in restoring some order and happiness to my relationship.  First major rule in a relationship with a BPD, is that when things get heated, don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain).  I know that sounds weird, but when you think about it, the more you try to justify or explain your actions when she is already feeling upset, the more upset she becomes.  Am I right?  If you did nothing wrong, you have no obligation to explain or defend yourself.  State your truth, and be done.  Another thing I have noticed, is to expect a huge backlash if you bring up anything from any past argument to prove a point, even if it was only a few hours prior.  I think that's why she is upset now - she's moved past the dinner incident, and you brought it back up.  She's really not emotionally capable of seeing how the two incidents are similar.  All she hears is you accusing her of things that she is not capable of understanding.

[123Phoebe]

Hi gentquality

You've gotten some good leads from maxsterling on where to begin looking for answers, the Lessons; https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0 are fantastic!

The recent fight we had was on saturday.  I was going to pick her up at 4:30 (she does not drive or willing to take any type of public transportation to my house).  It was around 340, I texted her hey I waited to eat with you so don't eat just yet! I'll take us to your favorite restaurant.  She texts back her mother made food for her.  So I told her alright cool, I'll go eat before I come pick you up. 

I am an old-school girl, so admittedly have a difficult time understanding 'dating nowadays', with the texting and lack of planning ahead.

I'm wondering if this particular 'fight' could have been avoided using some good old-fashioned courtesy, like maybe the day before talking to each other and planning what to do, where to eat and so forth.  Letting her know your intentions and asking if she would like that? 

It's nice to have you here!

[gentquality]

Thank you so much for your reply!  I thought I was going nuts dealing with this for a year now.  Besides this we have alot of love for each other and we get long like best friends.

I'll take your advice and read up and see if I can deal with it.

[wilsonian]

 

Welcome gent... .max is on the money with his advise... .I have a dBPDw and just to let you know the knowledge and advise I have received from this site and people such as max has helped me and my relationship beyond what I ever expected... Most important thing from lessons and responses is I needed to change my way of thinking and doing but never lose myself... .I know your probably reading this and saying WHAT?... trust it can all work out... .don't get me wrong there are always going to be bumps in the road but the biggest thing I did was to control my reaction to my emotions... cause trust me I know there our things that our BPD loved ones can say or do that cut like a knife and man did I ever spend months reacting... crying... doubting... .but I sort of put it in a childhood lesson about crossing the street... .stop... look... .and listen before you proceed... .God Bless You

[gentquality]

Thank you, the thing is we did talk about it.  We were supposed to get some BBQ but I didnt know she would eat before hand.  So we ended up going out to dinner much later.

We didn't set a specific time but it was around 430, so by the time we come back to my neighborhood it would be around 5pm.  I think the only way to avoid it was by me apologizing and letting her win.

There are many times, she just accuses me of cheating, and I have to defend myself that I'm not.  I find it extremely difficult to argue with someone who's convinced an incident has happened when it has not.  But when we argue she is so convinced it has happened when she wasn't even present and NOTHING happened!  I go insane!

Thank you for all the welcomes  

[mstnghu]

Hello folks,

I'm in a relationship with a girl with possible BPD.  In the course of our relationship she has accused me so much I'm also debating whether it's really me or not. 

Here is a little introduction of who I am.  I'm 31 years old, male, currently working in finance.  I currently reside in NY USA, all of my family is resides in S. Korea, they left when I was 25 with my brother because my grand parents got sick.

My GF is a 29 year old female, currently lives with her mother (whom I believe is bipolar which I will get into later) and also works in finance.


Wit that said I'll give you guys a  quick scenario of our recent fight here.

The recent fight we had was on saturday.  I was going to pick her up at 4:30 (she does not drive or willing to take any type of public transportation to my house).  It was around 340, I texted her hey I waited to eat with you so don't eat just yet! I'll take us to your favorite restaurant.  She texts back her mother made food for her.  So I told her alright cool, I'll go eat before I come pick you up.  So I head out quickly as it was raining and she lives 12 miles away.  I goto a fast food joint next to my house and she texts me where I am.  I told her I'm picking up food, going to eat in my car and head right over.

She becomes EXTREMELY upset saying, "I can't believe you didn't tell me you were going out to eat.  I always tell you where I am and you never tell me"  I texted back saying, "I did tell you I was going to eat before I came, I had to leave right away because I didn't know you were eating already and it's going to take 30 minutes to goto your house"  I call her to explain to her and she gets so upset she just hangs up on the phone on me (weird because she preaches one should never hang up on each other as it's disrespectful but she does it all the time)


So we fight about this for the whole day, in the end i ended up apologizing to her and we made up.  This morning I call her before she gets to work and ask her what shes up to.  So she tells me she's picking up breakfast and dunkin donuts.  I asked her, "did you notice, how you become extremely upset when I don't tell you EXACTLY where I am eventhough I tell you I'm going to eat before I come to you and yet it's ok for you not to tell me you're even leaving the house?"

I told her normally I wouldn't really care and it doesn't matter whre youre going to get breakfast but becuse you bust my chops constantly over things like this, I have to also let you know, you should follow your own protocol and I'm a little upset I'm viewed under such a microscope but you're not.

then she flips out and hangs up on me and texts me "i'm so tired of you ruining my mood, don't bother texting me"

So I haven't texted her back yet.  This happens all the time with EVERYTHING.  I can't cound how many times I'm driving home from work and didn't see her text me then she accuses me of cheating on her and becomes upset and BLAMES ME for it. 

Is this symptoms of BPD? I need help here because I love this girl and I'm having a tough time understanding her.

To answer the title of your thread... .it's her, not you.

You live the life that I live. My wife pulls the exact same stuff as your girlfriend. I am scrutinized beyond belief but my wife thinks she has a free pass to do whatever the hell she wants. She yells at me for stuff (completely insignificant BS most of the time) that she herself does. She holds me to a completely different standard than she holds herself to. The stuff that makes me the worst husband/father in the world is the same stuff that's no big deal for her to do since she's the best mom/wife in the world. I agree with maxsterling that double standards are completely normal with BPD relationships.

[HopefulDad]

It's her.

When I started bouncing these types of stories off people in real life, the self-doubt faded quickly.

The self-doubt comes into play because even two healthy people are never going to see eye to eye on everything and there will be disagreements.  There is usually at least a kernel of truth to what both sides believe, so there is gray area in the disagreement.  Unfortunately, pwBPD are superb at painting over the gray with just black or white which can cause you to doubt your view and after enough episodes of these, your sanity. 

[maxsterling]

There are many times, she just accuses me of cheating, and I have to defend myself that I'm not.  I find it extremely difficult to argue with someone who's convinced an incident has happened when it has not.  But when we argue she is so convinced it has happened when she wasn't even present and NOTHING happened!  I go insane!

A very, very typical scenario.  Spend a few hours browsing this site, and you will easily find a dozen people facing the same thing. 

Regarding your above statement.  No, you don't have to defend yourself.  When you defend yourself in the above situation, she uses that as proof of your guilt, or reason to suspect further.  Then, you get into a circular argument with her accusing and you defending, until you get angry and say something you can't take back.  There's really no easy way to handle this situation, but you have to keep one thing in the back of your head:  she has a feeling that you are unfaithful (doesn't matter how irrational the feeling is), she will come up with whatever evidence to prove that feeling to her, this has nothing to do with you, and there is nothing you can do to convince her otherwise.

Trust me.  I had a former partner (likely BPD) use what she saw in a "vision" to prove that I had another lover.  How do I defend myself against a "vision"?  I can't!  And with my current partner, she's had dreams where I was unfaithful.  How can I possibly apologize for something that happened in her dream? 

The trick we must learn is to validate their real underlying and normal emotions of jealousy and fear of losing us without invalidating their irrational accusations (telling them that their feelings and perceptions are wrong).  And this is not easy! 

[gentquality]

wow... .I have no words.  I've always defended myself and not sure how to handle the situation.  I seem to attract girls with this type of behavior (BPD) and I'm wondering why and how?

On another note, I'm glad this site actually exists as I was desperately searching for help. 


Im SO GLAD!

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you, the thing is we did talk about it.

That is one of the things that I struggle with. We talk about everything and then some. For the longest time, I was really confused because we would talk about something and he would act like he understood what we were discussing and then when it came to acting it was like nothing was ever said.

Reading the lessons has made me more aware of what is going on. It hasn't made it easier to deal with yet because I am having to reprogram my own thinking. My husband has a tendency to tell me what he thinks I want to hear in the moment and will then do the opposite.

It is taking a lot of practice to NOT JADE and try to defend myself. Since I have been trying NOT to do that, it feels like there are a lot of awkward silences and I walk away feeling like I am not being heard at all. It is going to take a while for me to adjust to that.

[gentquality]

Hey I feel your pain.  Now that I think about it, she never hears me out when I'm upset about something.  She will always hang up on me if I'm upset or not happy about a situation.  I don't feel acknowledged.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Trust me.  I had a former partner (likely BPD) use what she saw in a "vision" to prove that I had another lover.  How do I defend myself against a "vision"?  I can't!  And with my current partner, she's had dreams where I was unfaithful.  How can I possibly apologize for something that happened in her dream? 

The trick we must learn is to validate their real underlying and normal emotions of jealousy and fear of losing us without invalidating their irrational accusations (telling them that their feelings and perceptions are wrong).  And this is not easy! 

Actually the trick starts with identifying their underlying emotions... .since it's rare for them to actually express them.

BTW: I get the same type of treatment all the time... .it's not you.

[HopefulDad]

I seem to attract girls with this type of behavior (BPD) and I'm wondering why and how?

Million dollar question that I think a lot of us wonder.  I believe the answer is in the dynamics of dating... .

Rejection is a part of the dating scene and it doesn't feel good.  So I think when we're not rejected we are so relieved to be over that hurdle that we put on some blinders to some incompatibilities.

Then when someone with BPD comes along, not only are we not rejected, we are idealized.  We are put on a pedestal.  Awesome!  Give me more of that!  So now we put on even bigger blinders to the huge red flags when the idealization goes the other way to devaluation.  Bring me back to that idealization.  I'll wait!

[maxsterling]

I seem to attract girls with this type of behavior (BPD) and I'm wondering why and how?

Million dollar question that I think a lot of us wonder.  I believe the answer is in the dynamics of dating... .

Rejection is a part of the dating scene and it doesn't feel good.  So I think when we're not rejected we are so relieved to be over that hurdle that we put on some blinders to some incompatibilities.

Then when someone with BPD comes along, not only are we not rejected, we are idealized.  We are put on a pedestal.  Awesome!  Give me more of that!  So now we put on even bigger blinders to the huge red flags when the idealization goes the other way to devaluation.  Bring me back to that idealization.  I'll wait!

Probably true for many of us, but I personally don't think I fit that mold.  I'm not comfortable with idealization.  I don't like being specially recognized and feel embarrassed if I stand out in any way. I'm a shy person.  While my mother has many BPD traits, I don't think that has much to do with it, either.  Maybe it made it harder for me to see red flags, but I don't that was a major factor.  I've been now in two r/s with BPD partners.  One diagnosed, the other clearly meeting criteria for BPD or NPD.  The first I got involved with quickly, and loneliness probably was a factor.  I didn't see the red flags because of a lack of experience.  I was just so confused that a person could even act so irrational- didn't think it was possible.  And when that relationship ended, I blamed her erratic behavior on alcohol and pot smoking and thought that she would be a normal person if she quit.  And now my current fiancé I knew she had a troubled youth and 20s, but I assumed that since she sobered all her problems were now in the past. 

So in my case, I think my main issue is being naïve, and then not knowing how to handle such chaotic situations and end things when the red flags come marching in.  There is nothing about the BPD behavior that I can relate to or say I am attracted to, with the exception that they are sensitive people.  I'm a sensitive person, and I am not attracted to people who tend to go through life with little emotional reaction.  Yet, I am not attracted to the extreme (BPD).

[mstnghu]

wow... .I have no words.  I've always defended myself and not sure how to handle the situation.  I seem to attract girls with this type of behavior (BPD) and I'm wondering why and how?

On another note, I'm glad this site actually exists as I was desperately searching for help. 


Im SO GLAD!

You are absolutely not alone. I defend myself to my wife on a daily basis. It doesn't matter that I've done absolutely nothing wrong in 99.9% of the situations... .There are always constant accusations and assaults on my character. I'm a somewhat strong-willed and confident person and I still find myself constantly second guessing myself and wondering if I've failed in some way because of the crazy things my wife continually accuses me of. It's very hard to live this way. I don't bother defending myself as passionately as I used to because I realize it's pointless to dispute her. In her mind, she's always right and I am the cause of all of her problems. It's both liberating and also frustrating and depressing because I realize she has no intention of ever acknowledging her issues and trying to change.

[NeedHelpPls]

I also have experienced the same thing.

She used to hate it when I use my phone in the presence of her, even if it was to look for directions while we were in the car

(Oh, let me just look it up on the map and I'll give you the direction, NO! put your phone away! but... .but we are kind of lost,

NO! I got this, put it away!)

We were eating at a restaurant, I made a mistake of glancing at my phone because it had buzzed (I always set it down on the table

sometimes even face down, to demonstrate I'm not using the phone, and If I had kept it in my pocket, I was afraid she would accuse

me of hiding something from her), she of course made a point to say how rude it is to check your phone while out on the date, to which

I agreed and I put the phone away completed, in my bag.

and literally, less than a minute later, she pulls out her phone, and starts texting (she does this all the time), and I was just looking at her

in disbelief, even she has to realize how ridiculous it was, the double standard. She shrugged, gave me a small smirk, and literally said this to me.

"Its ok if i do it."

I am pretty sure I'm not the only guy who takes his phone to the bathroom while you... .do your business, because you get bored while sitting on the

toilet. I couldn't even do that without her saying things like,

Why do you always take your phone with you to the washroom? do you think I'm going to snoop? You got something to hide?

then she would turn around and take her phone into the bathroom to shower, when i asked her why, she says its to play music. How does one not

get suspicious of that?

My friend once told me, people who behave like that, and make accusations are often guilty of the exact same thing that they are accusing you of,

if she accuses you of flirting, or texting other girls, it is highly likely that she herself is doing the exact same thing.

Such a complicated relationship, the drama and stress was not worth it. and Physical ailment that comes with it from the stress... .

[mstnghu]

I also have experienced the same thing.

She used to hate it when I use my phone in the presence of her, even if it was to look for directions while we were in the car

(Oh, let me just look it up on the map and I'll give you the direction, NO! put your phone away! but... .but we are kind of lost,

NO! I got this, put it away!)

We were eating at a restaurant, I made a mistake of glancing at my phone because it had buzzed (I always set it down on the table

sometimes even face down, to demonstrate I'm not using the phone, and If I had kept it in my pocket, I was afraid she would accuse

me of hiding something from her), she of course made a point to say how rude it is to check your phone while out on the date, to which

I agreed and I put the phone away completed, in my bag.

and literally, less than a minute later, she pulls out her phone, and starts texting (she does this all the time), and I was just looking at her

in disbelief, even she has to realize how ridiculous it was, the double standard. She shrugged, gave me a small smirk, and literally said this to me.

"Its ok if i do it."

I am pretty sure I'm not the only guy who takes his phone to the bathroom while you... .do your business, because you get bored while sitting on the

toilet. I couldn't even do that without her saying things like,

Why do you always take your phone with you to the washroom? do you think I'm going to snoop? You got something to hide?

then she would turn around and take her phone into the bathroom to shower, when i asked her why, she says its to play music. How does one not

get suspicious of that?

My friend once told me, people who behave like that, and make accusations are often guilty of the exact same thing that they are accusing you of,

if she accuses you of flirting, or texting other girls, it is highly likely that she herself is doing the exact same thing.

Such a complicated relationship, the drama and stress was not worth it. and Physical ailment that comes with it from the stress... .

Yup. People with BPD need constant attention and affirmation. Just yesterday, our 3 year old son was calling my name and trying to tell me something and suddenly my wife starts telling me a story out of nowhere. I went ahead and acknowledged our son and my wife got all pissed off that I wasn't listening to her instead. I'm sorry, but when you have kids you don't need to have constant attention at the point of disregarding our son. It's like she feels as if he's some sort of competition to her.

She's like this when it comes to everybody else too. This past Friday night, my brother called me asking if I could help him on Saturday to go pick up a new couch at a furniture store and haul off his old couch to the dump. Of course I said yes because he's my bro and he just recently helped us move into a new house. My wife tried to keep me from helping him because she wanted "weekend family time" even though we haven't even been getting along well and I didn't even want to be around her. Helping my bro ended up taking a few hours and by the time I got home, my wife was all pissed off and complaining about my brother. She then went on to tell me about our Saturday night "date night" which consisted of going out to eat and then running a million errands... .fun times. 

[mstnghu]

I also have experienced the same thing.

She used to hate it when I use my phone in the presence of her, even if it was to look for directions while we were in the car

(Oh, let me just look it up on the map and I'll give you the direction, NO! put your phone away! but... .but we are kind of lost,

NO! I got this, put it away!)

We were eating at a restaurant, I made a mistake of glancing at my phone because it had buzzed (I always set it down on the table

sometimes even face down, to demonstrate I'm not using the phone, and If I had kept it in my pocket, I was afraid she would accuse

me of hiding something from her), she of course made a point to say how rude it is to check your phone while out on the date, to which

I agreed and I put the phone away completed, in my bag.

and literally, less than a minute later, she pulls out her phone, and starts texting (she does this all the time), and I was just looking at her

in disbelief, even she has to realize how ridiculous it was, the double standard. She shrugged, gave me a small smirk, and literally said this to me.

"Its ok if i do it."

I am pretty sure I'm not the only guy who takes his phone to the bathroom while you... .do your business, because you get bored while sitting on the

toilet. I couldn't even do that without her saying things like,

Why do you always take your phone with you to the washroom? do you think I'm going to snoop? You got something to hide?

then she would turn around and take her phone into the bathroom to shower, when i asked her why, she says its to play music. How does one not

get suspicious of that?

My friend once told me, people who behave like that, and make accusations are often guilty of the exact same thing that they are accusing you of,

if she accuses you of flirting, or texting other girls, it is highly likely that she herself is doing the exact same thing.

Such a complicated relationship, the drama and stress was not worth it. and Physical ailment that comes with it from the stress... .

... .and yes, my wife is constantly on her phone but gets pissed when I'm on mine. By choice, I try to avoid using my phone around my son as much as possible so I can actually give him quality attention. Of course my wife will piss and moan anytime I'm not putting complete eyes on her and our son, even though I actually spend a ton of quality time with my son,

My wife is constantly on our computer or her phone and the second I do the same, all hell breaks loose. Go figure.

[gentquality]

I also have experienced the same thing.

She used to hate it when I use my phone in the presence of her, even if it was to look for directions while we were in the car

(Oh, let me just look it up on the map and I'll give you the direction, NO! put your phone away! but... .but we are kind of lost,

NO! I got this, put it away!)

We were eating at a restaurant, I made a mistake of glancing at my phone because it had buzzed (I always set it down on the table

sometimes even face down, to demonstrate I'm not using the phone, and If I had kept it in my pocket, I was afraid she would accuse

me of hiding something from her), she of course made a point to say how rude it is to check your phone while out on the date, to which

I agreed and I put the phone away completed, in my bag.

and literally, less than a minute later, she pulls out her phone, and starts texting (she does this all the time), and I was just looking at her

in disbelief, even she has to realize how ridiculous it was, the double standard. She shrugged, gave me a small smirk, and literally said this to me.

"Its ok if i do it."

I am pretty sure I'm not the only guy who takes his phone to the bathroom while you... .do your business, because you get bored while sitting on the

toilet. I couldn't even do that without her saying things like,

Why do you always take your phone with you to the washroom? do you think I'm going to snoop? You got something to hide?

then she would turn around and take her phone into the bathroom to shower, when i asked her why, she says its to play music. How does one not

get suspicious of that?

My friend once told me, people who behave like that, and make accusations are often guilty of the exact same thing that they are accusing you of,

if she accuses you of flirting, or texting other girls, it is highly likely that she herself is doing the exact same thing.

Such a complicated relationship, the drama and stress was not worth it. and Physical ailment that comes with it from the stress... .

My god this is the same thing I'm going through! When I first met her I was horrible with my phone in terms of having it around me.  I just didn't like to have my phone around me at all times because I don't like being connected all the time and she accused me of "hiding the phone". Then she would take it to shower or bathroom or wherever for "music" or "text mom".

My god it sounds like we're dating the same person

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I also have experienced the same thing.

She used to hate it when I use my phone in the presence of her, even if it was to look for directions while we were in the car

(Oh, let me just look it up on the map and I'll give you the direction, NO! put your phone away! but... .but we are kind of lost,

NO! I got this, put it away!)

We were eating at a restaurant, I made a mistake of glancing at my phone because it had buzzed (I always set it down on the table

sometimes even face down, to demonstrate I'm not using the phone, and If I had kept it in my pocket, I was afraid she would accuse

me of hiding something from her), she of course made a point to say how rude it is to check your phone while out on the date, to which

I agreed and I put the phone away completed, in my bag.

and literally, less than a minute later, she pulls out her phone, and starts texting (she does this all the time), and I was just looking at her

in disbelief, even she has to realize how ridiculous it was, the double standard. She shrugged, gave me a small smirk, and literally said this to me.

"Its ok if i do it."

I am pretty sure I'm not the only guy who takes his phone to the bathroom while you... .do your business, because you get bored while sitting on the

toilet. I couldn't even do that without her saying things like,

Why do you always take your phone with you to the washroom? do you think I'm going to snoop? You got something to hide?

then she would turn around and take her phone into the bathroom to shower, when i asked her why, she says its to play music. How does one not

get suspicious of that?

I could easily have written all that... .Add to all that if our phone connection drops she'll ask why I had to disconnect, did I see someone I didn't want to know I was married... .

My friend once told me, people who behave like that, and make accusations are often guilty of the exact same thing that they are accusing you of,

if she accuses you of flirting, or texting other girls, it is highly likely that she herself is doing the exact same thing.

At least I don't think I have to worry about this... .I think with my uBPDw it's just a flat out double standard that somehow makes perfect sense to her.

[gentquality]

thankfully, my girl is a very honest person.  She is just completely oblivious to the fact that double standards exist.