Talking to kids about suicide.

[DreamGirl]

Our house has been profoundly affected by three suicides in the past few years. (Not to mention Robin Williams)

We had a family friend (she was 16) who took her life two days after my stepdaughter (15) spent the night at their house. Six months ago, my youngest son's buddy took his life (he was 14).

Now there is another young soul (he was 15) who thought his only choice was to take his own life... .friends with the same stepdaughter (15). She is having a really hard time. The entire school is really feeling a part of this loss, because he actually did it at school. He was such a sweet boy who was loved by so many. I wish he could have seen the outpouring of support not only from his classmates, but from the students at our sport's rival school --- who wore ribbons bearing the colors of our team at their school the next day and at games the next night. The cheerleaders who stopped by dropping flowers off at the statue of our mascot. The Facebook pictures all changed to show how heartbroken we all are together.

We are really struggling as a community, as a family, as individuals (myself included). There is a profound sadness that accompanies the funeral of a child that is unparalleled. A life that has yet to even begin. I have to admit that it's really, really bothering me and I can tell that my older children (who all go to the school) are feeling the loss in different ways.  

I was thinking that maybe a grief counselor might do us all some good.

I think that fear plays a role in this as well. It's tough to think what his parents are going through and how teens just don't have the ability to see the bigger picture, that the hard feelings of today are usually a temporary state.

I don't know. I just wanted to put this down some where... .any thoughts or support much appreciated.

[Turkish]

That's so tough, DreamGirl. It sounds like a small community where everyone kind of knows everyone else. That it's touching your family personally must be so much harder.

How is the school handling this? Is there anything planned?

I remember over a year period (in real time, but it covered two class years), one of my classmates shot himself, an unsuccessful suicide which resulted in him losing quite a bit of brain and motor function. The next year, a successful suicide... .maybe another which I forgot, but a kid did die in a car crash. The place was reeling. The school held a cumbaya rally, basically, which got everyone together. It was shocking to me so see people I didn't normally like pour their hearts out in front of the whole school. It was cathartic. To top the year off, a very popular and well liked junior at the school's first "sober graduation" died in a head crash the next morning when she fell asleep at the wheel.

A couple of years after I got out, I found out a very nice kid with whom I used to hang out (I think he was 5 years behind me in school) killed himself out of the intense academic pressure put on him from his dad. There was a lot of finger pointing in both directions there. It wasn't good for the community. As the adults argued, children suffered, because he was a very well liked kid known by many. I throw this last example out because:

I think that fear plays a role in this as well. It's tough to think what his parents are going through and how teens just don't have the ability to see the bigger picture, that the hard feelings of today are usually a temporary state.

The ego-centrism of youth. What's valid here, and what's invalid? Maybe if that kid just had someone to talk to, and not feel isolated, he would have survived. I don't know the answer to this, but based on the story, he killed himself out of shame for not being the person his father expected him to be.

[Matt]

What have your kids said about all this?

How do you think they are handling it?

A grief counselor - or maybe just a counselor who sees each kid individually - seems like a good idea.

My kids were 8 and 10 when I took them to a counselor.  Nothing to do with suicide, but at the time their BPD mom was struggling, we had separated, their big brother had been to jail and then rehab, and we had lost both of my parents, all within a year or so.  So big stresses.

I first talked to the school counselor, and got a recommendation - her predecessor who is now in private practice.  She turned out to be a perfect fit.

I presented it to the kids as my decision, not theirs.  Somewho who could help them with all the stress that was affecting them;  no suggestion that anything was wrong with them - not a "solution" to a "problem", but a resource who I thought would be helpful.

Yours are a little older and their BS-O-Meters are probably very sensitive, so you'll need to be very open with them - they'll see through anything else.  If they will buy into it and talk openly with the counselor - a big "if"! - it seems sure to help at least a little.

[DreamGirl]

I don't know the answer to this, but based on the story, he killed himself out of shame for not being the person his father expected him to be.

You know I read a post recently on these boards from a mom who had been through her own child's suicide attempt - and his response being more about an all consuming sadness. So it's not so obvious to know why someone reaches a point that the sadness overtakes any will to live. I hate to even speculate further then he was really, really sad so much that he didn't want to live with it anymore. I get that to an extent. I just wish he could have felt how he was loved and worthy of that love. Children just don't always have the skills to see past today and today's heartache.

And on the subject of coping skills... . 

Their mama bought them a puppy as a way to help matters. Bless her heart, she tries --- but doesn't really have the ability to think those kinds of decisions through. So then they decided to take the puppy back because mom's boyfriend said "no way".

That was fun.

Oldest stepdaughter got mad at the boyfriend. Then at her mom for making her little sisters so upset over a poor decision.

Bleh.  

I presented it to the kids as my decision, not theirs.

I think this is a really good idea. I feel like our lines of communication with them are really good --- but we've been dealing with a lot of this and I just wonder if the extra help would be really beneficial.

Thanks guys.  

[Matt]

There's something I think of as "moral leadership" - maybe there's a better term.  When I've used it, things usually go well.  When I don't, things usually go badly - chaos and stress.

What I mean by "moral leadership" is, discussing things with the kids, and in some cases with their mom, and whoever else is involved and could have good input, or want to be heard.  Make sure they know I am hearing them - genuinely listen to their ideas.  Then make a decision and explain it to everyone, assuming that they will all follow my leadership - as if I am the patriarch of an old-fashioned family, whose word is law, not the father in a modern family, where everybody does what they want.

If it's done from the right motives - not to get my way, but to find the right path for everyone involved - it seems to always work.  The kids, my ex, her family, and even the professionals involved, all seem to be glad that somebody is stepping up and making the decision, and there's no more fighting about the issue.  The hard part is making sure the decision is as close to a win/win for everyone involved - even and maybe especially my ex  - as is possible.

That's why I say, "Present to the kids as my decision, not theirs."  Like the decision to take them to the doctor when they're sick - they get input but ultimately I decide when they need to see the doctor.  (My youngest is 16 so this may be changing soon.)

Do you think you can find someone good - a counselor?