Tired of being slammed

[martillo]

Not sure how to handle this – uBPD, alcoholic H for the past few years has put me in a “black” zone, and has gradually ramped it up till I am not sure how to best deal with his angry, down-putting behavior – I hope this does not sound too enabling or co-dependent – since I started the journey toward acceptance and learning about H’s issues, I really try to evaluate my own thoughts and actions – so here goes – it doesn’t matter what I do positively, H either will not acknowledge that what I have done is good, awesome, right or he downright slams it. 

Recent examples: 

1.   H wanted to prepare a nice dinner for DS22 to celebrate a good job he had done (DS works for our joint company); H asked DS22 what he wanted and DS22 made his selections – H was going to get everything together and prepare meal.  H got “busy” and wasn’t able to so I got all the stuff for the dinner, prepped it, cooked it, cleaning while I went and served it.  It was delicious!  And H told DS22 “absolutely wonderful meal”  DS22 said “I didn’t do anything…mom did everything.”  H said “Well, you picked it”  and never acknowledged my part in it.  Huh? 

2.   I met w our CPA last week for some tax issues related to our joint business – accountant told me “your books are in really good order” so I told H what she said (sort of fishing for a compliment since I am the office manager and responsible for managing our financials)  H said “it’s a good thing we have “G” (my office assistant)” 

H works in our company but at this point in our family/life does very little with or for our kids, does no housework except to occasionally clean his corner of our bedroom – he won’t even carry his clothes to the laundry room – they go in a basket at the end of the bed and even if I specifically ask him to please bring me his laundry, he absolutely will not – totally ignores me and if I ask him about it he “doesn’t want them to get lost in the laundry room.”  Even our kids are getting sick and tired of him doing nothing.

I can accept “nothingness” but I am really starting to get angry about the “slams.”  Why is he doing this and is there anything I can do to stop it?

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[Ceruleanblue]

Hugs to you. I know how it is to have a spouse who is critical of you, or just refuses to give you any credit. It feels like you are constantly chasing your tail, doesn't it. I buy things or try to do nice things for my Step Daughters, who hate me, just so my uBPDh will notice I'm trying, or think I'm nice. He still doesn't. If I corner him, he'll say it was nice, but it's like he hates to admit I do anything nice. It's just strange. I think you DH might be like that?

It's like if they compliment us, it's building us up, and they seem to want to keep our self esteem low. Which is weird, because my husband's newest kick is to leave me a sweet note on the bathroom mirror every morning. These notes are clearly a bid to build me up, but he still has trouble giving compliments or giving credit when I do nice things. As an example, I recently bought two enormous boxes of diapers for his daughter who is pregnant(remember this girl has been awful to me)... .would you think he'd say anything nice to me about it, or thank me? Nope. He wants me to keep trying with his girls, but when I do, I get no credit, or acknowledgement.

I think it boils down to him being too narcissistic to give any credit to me. He's just tuned out or tuned into his own inner network at all times.

I think the best we can do is look for validation and acknowledgement elsewhere, because it sure won't come from our spouses. I've never found a way to get through to uBPDh that this is a big need I have either. He knows I need to hear nice things, but it's like he just can't give that to me, he's just too selfish.

[takingandsending]

Hi martillo

It is one of the ironies of living with pwBPD that as nons we have to ensure we validate and encourage the positive behaviors as much as possible, yet our experiences are very much about persistent invalidation, which Fruzetti described in his experiment on validation. In that state, it's no wonder so many of us become hurt, angry and resentful. Like Cerulean, I will ask are you seeking kindness and support from other sources? Lately, I find giving myself small pats on the back for remaining engaged, cleaning up after dinner and taking care of the kids when my wife is criticizing my lack of consideration or empathy to really be helpful. It's like my inner voice is becoming stronger and holding its own against the stream of negative comments when my wife is unhappy. I hope that you can tell yourself what a great job you did at dinner and with the books. Smile and direct it inward - it's very healing. I am now seeing that I need to value myself and stop pinning my hopes on my wife ever valuing me. If that helps her, great; but if not, I am still the better off.

[ColdEthyl]

I agree with this! My dBPDh is the same way. I already had low self-esteem when we first met, and his honeyed words were part of what attracted me to him. Little did I know what I was in for

But, after research, and particularly visiting this site had helped me tremendously. I will not get validation from him, so I have quit trying. I do what needs to be done, and pat myself on the back. It's been good for me to not rely on others for that. I feel that it is making me a stronger person, and the stress of wanting something from him he can't give me has washed away. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments, but who doesn't?

I'm slowly realizing my happiness is not hinged on him, or his validations of me. In my heart, I know I am doing what's right, what needs to be done. That's starting to me enough for me. It's a little backwards, isn't it? Being married to someone is supposed to be your best friend, the person who lifts you up. In our cases, it isn't. I'm actually learning how to be ok with me and by myself WITHOUT a spouse even though I am married

Hi martillo

It is one of the ironies of living with pwBPD that as nons we have to ensure we validate and encourage the positive behaviors as much as possible, yet our experiences are very much about persistent invalidation, which Fruzetti described in his experiment on validation. In that state, it's no wonder so many of us become hurt, angry and resentful. Like Cerulean, I will ask are you seeking kindness and support from other sources? Lately, I find giving myself small pats on the back for remaining engaged, cleaning up after dinner and taking care of the kids when my wife is criticizing my lack of consideration or empathy to really be helpful. It's like my inner voice is becoming stronger and holding its own against the stream of negative comments when my wife is unhappy. I hope that you can tell yourself what a great job you did at dinner and with the books. Smile and direct it inward - it's very healing. I am now seeing that I need to value myself and stop pinning my hopes on my wife ever valuing me. If that helps her, great; but if not, I am still the better off.

[martillo]

Thank you all for your responses!     I am actually very blessed with lots of supportive people in my life and that sometimes makes it even harder!

At this point, H has gotten downright mean.  He has become so much more negative about most everything over the past few years.  He has diabetes and health issues related to that and I think he is suffering from depression.  I don't want to push too hard for anti-depressants though because of his alcohol use and he, at this point, absolutely refuses both therapy and anti-depressant meds. 

Alanon, this forum, and time have given me lots of tools to help me maintain my sanity.  I don't need his approval to be happy or to do the things that make me happy.  I am trying to teach my kids those same things.  But like you said, ColdEthyl, sometimes I have emotional "bleed-through."

[ColdEthyl]

That's what I'm here for, and most of us I think. We need a soundboard, and we don't have it at home. It's good to come here, spill your sruggle and see not only are you not alone, but you are supported!

Thank you all for your responses!     I am actually very blessed with lots of supportive people in my life and that sometimes makes it even harder!

At this point, H has gotten downright mean.  He has become so much more negative about most everything over the past few years.  He has diabetes and health issues related to that and I think he is suffering from depression.  I don't want to push too hard for anti-depressants though because of his alcohol use and he, at this point, absolutely refuses both therapy and anti-depressant meds. 

Alanon, this forum, and time have given me lots of tools to help me maintain my sanity.  I don't need his approval to be happy or to do the things that make me happy.  I am trying to teach my kids those same things.  But like you said, ColdEthyl, sometimes I have emotional "bleed-through."

[takingandsending]

Hi martillo,

My dad has diabetes, and sometimes is very cranky when his blood sugar goes off. And his drinking really doesn't help that whole controlling blood sugar levels thing. I am really sorry for the invalidation, and it sounds like you are involved in and have a good support network.     What kind things can you do for yourself this weekend to replenish your reserve? I am going on a hike with my S8 and S3. My uBPDw may even join us. Please let us know how you are doing and keep posting. ColdEthyl is right - we all need this sounding board.