New, terrified & desperate for advice

[Angelwings2012]

I cannot believe I went back... The bombardment of emails, the calls, the texts, the sorrys, the promises, the medication being the reason for the rage and anger and violence... I thought, this person, being so so sorry and so so broken, could only mean they were unwell and deserved another chance... That was last October... I returned with just the bare minimum... all my very precious items, all collected memorabilia for the past 30yrs, photos etc, I left at my mums + all household items of mine, I left in a safe place incase this situation occurred again... .And it has... This time it took only 4 months.

I am in a safe place right now, with an associate of someone who helped me the day after my partner was arrested. I have had horrendous stress related anxiety / symptoms but still dragging myself into work otherwise I can't afford to pay for where I am staying and thus I will be forced to return into the home I've been forced to leave. I am hundreds of miles from my mum.

My job is here, it's taken me 5 months to get this job and I've been in it only 6 weeks... I can't up and leave a second time (left, quit my job, gave away my horse & ran to my sister August last year after months of violent episodes)





We met online, we'd known each other 3 months before I left my old life and moved 300 miles to try the relationship out... to live together.  I jumped without a parachute off the back of a failed 12yr relationship where I was cheated on... .

I wasn't healed, but I needed to get away and start a new life... This person offered the world and I consulted my best friend and it seemed it could do no harm, I had a well paid job in the same field within a month of relocating. As soon as I gave up the lease and made the "move" permanent... (6 months thereabouts) it all changed... I felt isolated, alone, no social life, she had no "friends" unlike what she professed to have, we worked the same hours, I felt suffocated, I had no privacy, couldn't email on ipad without her reading it, couldn't hide emails as that would have raised suspicion... I had no access to the outside world bar work... .I managed to get a letter in the post to a friend but that was it... I had a spare pay as you go phone from my business... I used that to secretly update how things were... That was feb to August 2013? I left facebook because I couldn't type anything about how things really were & it was just fake posting happy pictures whilst in reality I was sobered in bruises and sleeping in my car... She messaged my friends, turned the tables... My best friend & I no longer speak after 29yrs...

I feel like a total nutcase... I don't think I can do this alone, the police have placed me as high risk... I am under so much pressure I feel like I may just collapse & die... There have been days when I wished I had...

I know I must not go back but when she is giving me space and being loving on the phone I just feel so guilty... the sobbing, the pleading, the I love you's... "you love me" flipped with "you called the police on me" "I never did that when you beat me up" (we have had physical wrestling matches, mostly over her trying to smash up my phone whilst trying to get help,or her hiding my phone, bank cards, and destroying my property, in particular my gold chain my mum bought for me aged 18yrs) I get one minute "you've ruined my life" then "I love you please I'm begging you don't leave me, don't do this"  She has seen a doctor, they are changing her medication... I see citalopram and alcohol can cause psychosis... I just feel so sorry for her, but also the 31 voicemails ranging from don't ignore me hysterics to total calm just seem to me someone who is mentally ill or personality disordered... She drinks & even after being arrested two weeks ago for assaulting me whilst blacked out after drinking (I was hiding in the garage with frozen potatoes on my face whilst listening to the house being smashed up)  has continued to drink despite knowing how it makes her... I am at a total dead end with this now :-( I feel so beaten down... I refused to support an assault charge... She will lose her job & the house,  animals will have to be put down... .the cps have dropped it, her bail conditions ended last Friday at 6.30pm... It's been non-stop crazy since then...

She tore off my clothes, rendered me naked, head butted me in the face, split my lip open... (2nd time in 4months)

How can I ever go back?

And how do I get my things and stay away?

How do I detach without her stalking me?

How do I detach without making her worse?

The latest thing is the fishtank pump isn't working and I need to go fix it... Oh and the electric bill and the council tax bill need paying... .

How am I going to do this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Angelwings2012... .I'm really sorry for all the trauma you've been going through! I'm happy to hear that you are safe right now, and I hope that you are able to stay where you are for the time being in order to stay safe... .

How can I ever go back?

And how do I get my things and stay away?

How do I detach without her stalking me?

How do I detach without making her worse?

The latest thing is the fishtank pump isn't working and I need to go fix it... Oh and the electric bill and the council tax bill need paying... .

How am I going to do this?

Are you still thinking of going back to her?

Can you get someone to go with you to get your belongings--at a time where you would be able to get your stuff without her being there?

You've seen the Leaving: Disengaging from a Partner with BPD Board? Have you read the Suggested Reading for members who are disengaging in order to figure out how to do that?

There are links to the right hand side of this page that can help you figure out how to make things better in your relationship with your partner, and The Lessons to help you learn how to communicate with her better, but is the relationship at the point right now where that could work for you? If you are wanting to learn how her mind works, and how to deal with her in a way that can save the relationship, those are the tools to use... .Also, if you are fearful of your safety when you are having to deal with her, please check out Safety First, to learn how to put a Safety Plan in place for your well-being, and TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women, in order to get a better understanding of your situation. Please take care, Angelwings2012... .Your situation sounds very scary to me 

[Stalwart]

Angel most of us have put ourselves into positions that we have difficulty seeing our ways out of. For as many different relationships as there are here there are an equal amount of reasons that hold true to each of us in our own perceptions.

I am typically the last to ever suggest leaving but Angel, you're in a desperately dangerous situation, financially, physically but most of all emotionally. You are not in a good place. As difficult as it may seems and for any guilt you may feel right now it holds no relevance to the reality that you are in a bad situation that you are not able to manage or change. You really need to think about absolutely leaving the relationship and giving yourself a minimum of six months with zero tolerance to contact.

Fall back on your family and/or friends Angel. Get your stuff and move on to somewhere safe. There just arent' other options given this situation sweetheart. It has to be about you when you are threatened to that degree. She will go on and it's not your fault.

[Angelwings2012]

Hello, Angelwings2012... .I'm really sorry for all the trauma you've been going through! I'm happy to hear that you are safe right now, and I hope that you are able to stay where you are for the time being in order to stay safe... .

How can I ever go back?

And how do I get my things and stay away?

How do I detach without her stalking me?

How do I detach without making her worse?

The latest thing is the fishtank pump isn't working and I need to go fix it... Oh and the electric bill and the council tax bill need paying... .

How am I going to do this?

Are you still thinking of going back to her?

Can you get someone to go with you to get your belongings--at a time where you would be able to get your stuff without her being there?

You've seen the Leaving: Disengaging from a Partner with BPD Board? Have you read the Suggested Reading for members who are disengaging in order to figure out how to do that?

There are links to the right hand side of this page that can help you figure out how to make things better in your relationship with your partner, and The Lessons to help you learn how to communicate with her better, but is the relationship at the point right now where that could work for you? If you are wanting to learn how her mind works, and how to deal with her in a way that can save the relationship, those are the tools to use... .Also, if you are fearful of your safety when you are having to deal with her, please check out Safety First, to learn how to put a Safety Plan in place for your well-being, and TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women, in order to get a better understanding of your situation. Please take care, Angelwings2012... .Your situation sounds very scary to me 

Hi there, Thankyou for your reply... I have made the decision that the relationship is over and she is aware that is the case, although I would imagine in the days and weeks to come, she will try desperately to get me to return. She asked to see me after work yesterday, I met her in a neutral public place as advised by domestic violence advisers and this did not go down well... she met me there then berated me for choosing that location because it served alcohol. She wanted me to go to the house initially you see, which I will not do, given she has locked the doors on two separate visits since the bail conditions were lifted, rendering me locked in the property unable to leave. Both occasions she had been drinking and I didn't know.

So I met her in a public place to discuss the bills and an unexpected email from our property manager. The conversation was bizarre, she was calm, then angry, then sobbing, then angry... I just sat there in total disbelief... I want to attribute it to mixing alcohol and medication, but I bought her two coffees the whole time we were there!

Some of the manipulation tools were unreal... "You had me arrested" (no I rang for help and you got yourself arrested because you were violently out of control) (I didn't obviously say this but I thought it) "you don't love me" (yes I do but I can't live with you anymore) "my life is over I may as well kill myself" (no it's not, and if you do that you won't be the person I thought you were,you are just in a bad place) "well I'm not the person you thought I am, am I " "what have I got to live for?" "You'll meet someone else and forget about me" "please don't leave me" "I love you" "I'm sorry" to... ."You're alright, you can just walk away" "you don't have to get up and see to .the horse. The dog. The cat." I'm sitting there thinking, well you have had these animals for 21yrs,15yrs and 19yrs respectively, so how does me being seriously assaulted, forced out of my home and emotionally/mentally broken, suddenly warrant that I have to take care of these animals aswell? Which incidentally I offered temporary solutions for and was shot down with a fit of anger then hysterics... I only said, well L&J would look after x/y/z until things got sorted housing wise... Oh my! Wish I hadn't offered a sensible short term solution to the situation... .

It seems like nothing I do or say is right... I then get because I've met up with her and the conversation hasn't gone how she wanted clearly, a load more stuff on how I'm "playing with her heart" and "seeing me is killing her"

So anyway... I'm staying away indefinately, my job is highly stressful right now and because I can go to the place I'm staying and just chill (like now) without any drama, I feel I'm functioning ok... She is still in the house, had ten days off during the aftermath of what happened & seems to have no comprehension of what she has put me through at all? All I get is sorry, rage, tears, sorry, rage, tears... .It's a relief to know I can sleep tonight x

Sorry for the rant but this is the latest... Incidentally after yesterday, I've had nothing but lovely text messages and calm... This is so crazy!

AW x

[Angelwings2012]

Angel most of us have put ourselves into positions that we have difficulty seeing our ways out of. For as many different relationships as there are here there are an equal amount of reasons that hold true to each of us in our own perceptions.

I am typically the last to ever suggest leaving but Angel, you're in a desperately dangerous situation, financially, physically but most of all emotionally. You are not in a good place. As difficult as it may seems and for any guilt you may feel right now it holds no relevance to the reality that you are in a bad situation that you are not able to manage or change. You really need to think about absolutely leaving the relationship and giving yourself a minimum of six months with zero tolerance to contact.

Fall back on your family and/or friends Angel. Get your stuff and move on to somewhere safe. There just arent' other options given this situation sweetheart. It has to be about you when you are threatened to that degree. She will go on and it's not your fault.

Stalwart, you are straight to the point and I'm hearing you loud and clear. I feel guilt and a massive duty of care (rescuer & codependent nature) but I know that I am unable to save her, only myself right now... I told my mum which was a huge thing as she is in her 70's and doesn't need to hear her 39yr old daughter has been reduced to a financial and psychological mess AGAIN! I am drawing on every ounce of inner strength I have left after a four year all told rollercoaster...

I feel I have financial obligations to see that the house and bills that she lives under are taken care of, for the sake of the pets who is miss terribly... if she loses her job, the animals suffer... yet I'm in £15,000 of personal debt and she is in none except an overdraft of maximum £600. Funny as 2yrs ago I had £3,000 in a bank account and was totally self sufficient... what the hell happened!

The "NO contact" rule is not going to work with R... It sends her crazy... If I try that now, before getting my things, before gently "detaching" (if that's possible) she will go into full meltdown... She will lose her job. This is why when you are in a violent relationship, you cannot just leave and hide and everything will be ok... If we could plan a way out then good, but when the police enforce a separation, following an unexpected but very serious incident,it doesn't stop real life continuing in terms of bills being paid, animals being cared for, children going to school... If we both go under then two lives will be ruined for nothing...

Calling the police has got me a reality check... It has also cost me financially what I couldn't afford before it happened... .My job is all I have right now...

This is a minefield of mental health and other proportions... .

I'm so lucky I made a friend in my previous job... Only known her 6 months... She took me in the first night and 4 days later I have a room to stay in at her friends... I'm one of the luckiest people alive right now... An air bed and a place to SLEEP is all I could ever have asked for...

There's a lot to be said for relocating 300 miles for a new relationship... I won't ever do it again that's for sure...

[formflier]

 

Think long and hard... and read some lessons about FOG ... .Fear Obligation and Guilt

Stay away from making decisions for those reasons... .

If you can't be NC (no contact)... .then make sure... .absolutely sure... .that you stay in control of the contact.

You seem able to recognize manipulations... .so... .make sure you don't reinforce those by giving in to them.

 

[Angelwings2012]

Think long and hard... and read some lessons about FOG ... .Fear Obligation and Guilt

Stay away from making decisions for those reasons... .

If you can't be NC (no contact)... .then make sure... .absolutely sure... .that you stay in control of the contact.

You seem able to recognize manipulations... .so... .make sure you don't reinforce those by giving in to them.

 

Ty Form,

I'm reading everything I possibly can and I can see my postings are split to different sections on the site... .Thankyou so so much.This is my lifeline at the moment, I've told only my closest friends what is currently occurring and because I am so far away from my network, and working such anti-social hours, I am not able to have personal conversations on the phone let alone a hug, being hundreds of miles away :-(  but I have, as I say, a base to come 'home' to after a long day/night at work... And that is so crucial right now because it would be so easy to go and curl up in my double bed, in my nice home which I can no longer live in... blah blah blah.

The manipulation aspect is very apparent now... on a subtle level... it wasn't so obvious last year because I was very much caught up in the turmoil and blamed myself or accepted excuses... for much of the drama... I should have done x or if A. B. C. Hadn't happened Then D E & F would not have happened... .but this time I have at least some clarity, because history has repeated itself... Without doubt... She refused to give me a mobile contact number for her mum who has been local for two weeks on holiday (who apparently knows all that's gone on, which I doubt) And her sister, whom I had text message contact with last week, I was asking for intervention because my phone had 31 missed calls and 20+ voicemails in two hours... .(Suicidal, sobbing, please don't ignore me etc) insists she is fine and not to worry... Was the same last year when she said she was going to kill herself and no-one knew where she was... and I was in London at my best friends flat having fled after being barricaded in the place for over two hours and having a knife lobbed at me and my phone smashed up... and her laying I front of my car to stop me driving off the driveway... Yet the crying sobbing and "I need help" just made and makes me feel terrible... because I can't emotionally support her when I'm so emotionally fried myself... So I question what they know... Do they know their daughter was arrested and put on conditional bail for re-arranging my face? Do they know I'm staying in a secret location because I've been beaten the hell out of and I've no other choice? Or is this going to be I've abandoned her and the animals a second time in two years? And anyway... I'm at the stage of clearly they don't know their daughter very well, or they do and just think she will "bounce back" in which case, this is something "normal" to them... which really just sums up the whole situation.Jeez this is so crazy to be typing this... This is not normal!

She has text tonight,to check I have left work safely, says she is feeling better with the new medication (I haven't seen it so could be true... .?)  hopes I sleep well... two evenings in a row... (But she is off work the last two evenings) I work less than 30 seconds drive from "our home" I suspect she is drinking/drunk as she has done nothing but plead for me to go to the property the last few days prior... in this situation, she would ask I go to the house.so either she has got her head around the fact that I am not on demand & I've been pushed far enough so thinks by being nice on text I will be weak (wrong) or has accepted the relationship is over (unlikely) or is entering/in a period of calm (unlikely) or is secretly drinking and doesn't want me to see her like that (99% likely). I was tempted to park up and peek through the window (she is messy and leaves cans & crap everywhere) but decided that I should not be a co-dependant self-validating twat and go to my new "home" and jump on here... Saves me from looking like a stalker aswell ;-) even though I have every right to go there... But the definition of sanity is... .

[Angelwings2012]

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to update (albeit on my phone so excuse any typos) that I have been gone for over a month now. I am doing so so much better having been apart and away from the drama and I am no longer physically sick (shaking/racing pulse) my anxiety seems to have vanished and im eating a decent meal everyday as my (poor by anyones standards) appetite has made an unexpected return.

I have worked and slept and worked and just slept! Sleep! Its amazing how distancing yourself from drama and just concentrating on basic human need (food/sleep) can change your life... I honestly didn't think 'it' would be like this so quickly nor that I could 'feel' like this so quickly... I expected a full on fight/stalking/phone on fire from calls texts and threats of suicide etc... hasn't happened... yet?

R has also calmed down and whilst still drinking herself silly on her new medication, im not there to see it and she does it secretly... I know if I dont hear from her late in the evening, she is drinking/drunk...

we have met a couple of times and she has been fine... I even stayed at the house two nights ago and she & I drank some beers and she behaved impeccably, I was straight up and said I simply would leave if there was any grief/anger/re-hash. (What i have noticed, is when given (and this sounds so patronizing) but when given a strict boundary/rule in ADVANCE, R doesn't breach it... It was actually a really pleasant evening... how things used to be when we first met...

We have had open and honest discussion about remaining friends, I have said it would be a great shame to be enemies and I'm willing to meet up for an hour or whatever/whenever... that I WILL NOT ABANDON HER, which I won't,  and it seems to have worked... the panic on her end has ceased & R seems calmer in the transition... helping her work out a plan to take on the house on her own financially... I've paid the gas & electric bill, we seem to have acceptance... if it stays this way, surely this is the best possible outcome?

Anyway, just an update for you and thankyou a million times over for helping me/us...

Angel x

[Stalwart]

I'm really glad to see that you've move on well Angel and as hard as it might be don't let the past slip out of your mind. You've done really well living up to what you considered your responsibilities to be while not getting pulled back into the frey.

I'm really so sorry for you that you had to experience all of that and I really hope that when you move on you've learned so much from this experience that it will help guide you into one you more deserve next time. It really is difficult to make a break when finances and relationships still have to be in some way comorbid with the entire situation. You've done really, really well. I sure hope you're feeling stronger and more self-confident now that you've had a bit of time to start mending the broken parts and pieces... .

You stay strong angel and make certain that you take care of your best interests and that you don't let sympathy or second-guessing your choices be fogged up by continuing your contact with your friend. It's good that you've been able to manage an aimiable departure and saved yourself the other option that could have been the full force of her dysregulation focused against you with anger and rage. You must be strong and calculating as well as still being able to remain somewhat empathetic.

So do you think you've managed the permanent split and you're on your way to a clear path and new life?

[Angelwings2012]

I'm really glad to see that you've move on well Angel and as hard as it might be don't let the past slip out of your mind. You've done really well living up to what you considered your responsibilities to be while not getting pulled back into the frey.

I'm really so sorry for you that you had to experience all of that and I really hope that when you move on you've learned so much from this experience that it will help guide you into one you more deserve next time. It really is difficult to make a break when finances and relationships still have to be in some way comorbid with the entire situation. You've done really, really well. I sure hope you're feeling stronger and more self-confident now that you've had a bit of time to start mending the broken parts and pieces... .

You stay strong angel and make certain that you take care of your best interests and that you don't let sympathy or second-guessing your choices be fogged up by continuing your contact with your friend. It's good that you've been able to manage an aimiable departure and saved yourself the other option that could have been the full force of her dysregulation focused against you with anger and rage. You must be strong and calculating as well as still being able to remain somewhat empathetic.

So do you think you've managed the permanent split and you're on your way to a clear path and new life?

Hi stalwart and thankyou for your kind reply... in answer to your question, the split is without question permanent in MY mind, I am concerned that I dont feel what I felt a year ago when the relationship broke down first time round. Yes I feel hurt and sad and pretty broken down in many ways, lonely yes, lost, yes but I have no romantic attachment feelings or the 'desolation' I felt last year, I feel numb to be honest, I look at this person and I feel love and can give them a hug like a friend would when they see a friend suffering, but I dont feel emotionally connected at all which is a new feeling . Ive always mourned previous unexpected losses in my own way and 'felt' something... maybe ive just had enough and my head is ruling my heart for the first time in my life!

I am exploring myself and my personality type and wonder still whether it was me that invoked such anger and violence... and whether the damage to me from my past relationship has affected this one and affected R aswell... she seemed to understand much of my pain but only as she had been the 'other woman' to a 5yr affair with a married woman many years ago... .not quite the same...

Right now I have no desire to ever meet anyone ever again, I am so scared of everything that has happened in my life this past 14yrs that I do not feel able to trust my own judgement... I guess thats normal?

A clear path and a new life? Yes... terrifying, but ive got through it three times in my life and I can do it again... I HAVE to...

Lets see how things unfold... .