BPD and the thermostat

[maxsterling]

Question:  Have you noticed that your BPD partner seems to never be comfortable temperature wise?  Always either burning up or freezing?  My fiancé seems to have a very narrow range of temperatures where she is comfortable.  A degree too cold, and she is freezing and miserable.  A degree too warm and she is burning up.  Yet, the house can be kept at a constant 75, and one day she will be freezing at that temperature, the next day she will be burning. 

I used to think this was a woman thing, or related to her thyroid issues, but now wonder if this is common with pwBPD.  In other words, she's got mental anguish or anxiety over something, looking for something external to blame, and chooses the air temperature.  She's looking for a reason why she is miserable. 

Thoughts?

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[123Phoebe]

She's looking for a reason why she is miserable. 

Thoughts?

I don't know if it's a BPD thing or if it's an "If only... " way of being.

If only the temperature was right, I'd feel more comfortable.  If only you'd do as I say, I'd feel less controlled.  If only I didn't have to work, I'd have time to do such and such and would feel so happy... .etc.

Searching for more than 'what is' = lack of contentment.  

If only life was carefree, I'd... .

What about now?  Grab a blanket or turn on the air without even thinking about it?

If only it were that easy... .

[gentlestguardian]

In other words, she's got mental anguish or anxiety over something, looking for something external to blame, and chooses the air temperature.  She's looking for a reason why she is miserable. 

I think you're onto something there. My pwBPD is never comfortable with the temparature. Frankly, she's never physically comfortable period. But specifically with regard to the thermostat, I remember when I was little, she and her boyfriend at the time got into a screaming match about the thermostat. He turned it off, she turned it back on, etc etc for like 10 minutes or more (while they continued to scream at each other about it) until he finally walked out of the apartment... .for good. It was that serious. Over a thermostat.

I do think it's just a convenient physical scapegoat to blame her anxiety on. She's always picking something from her external environment: the neighbors being too loud, music being too loud, crickets getting too close to the door. You name it.

[maxsterling]

Phoebe - yeah, I know that mindset.  I've been guilty of that before, mostly when I was younger.  Making excuses why I can't do this or that.  It's a mindset that guarantees unhappiness.  Seems to be how my fiancé lives her whole life - searching for whatever she feels is missing - the "if only".

[takingandsending]

max,

I think this is common to humans in general. I heard a talk once where someone said, imagine the perfect place to live with just the right light, just the right temperature, with only the music that you like playing at the volume that you want. That's kind of the concept of the permanent, unchanging self that we all build up.

But it's so nice in the room that you never want to leave. You order food delivered to your room, and you stop inviting anyone over. And invariably, the longer you stay in your perfect room, the more you begin to notice that little draft coming in under the door, or the picture hanging just a little lopsided, or the noise of that cricket outside the door. And after a while, you are plugging up the space beneath the door with towels, and closing the blinds to keep out the distressing things that you can't control that are happening outside of your window, and you are adjusting that thermostat. And that perfect little room becomes smaller and more isolated and more difficult to maintain so perfectly. This is analogous to how we protect the identity of our self, against all external elements.

In the end, only self examination can lead us to any freedom. But for the pwBPD, self examination is terrifying. So they have to push to further extremes to protect that little bit of thing they have identified their self with, to extremities that most of us would be halted in our tracks and recognize as irrational.

That's the extreme difficulty with BPD. It agonizingly mirrors nearly all normative human behaviors, but distorts to extremes that are puzzling and even terrifying. I can see why mindfulness/DBT techniques would be helpful because mindfulness challenges the assertion of an unchanging, permanent self. The insight gained allows us to reconcile the apparent perceptions with the constant of change.

[wilsonian]

I think you are right max at least in some relation... .my dBPDw is always either hot or cold blames it on the change... .found out yesterday talking to her T that the times she is hot or hot flashes are probably part of her anxiety attacks and cold maybe part of her calm period. ... .since most with BPD have some sort of anxiety disorder it kind of goes together... .don't know just saying... .Funny T was just talking about it yesterday... .