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Author Topic: Need some help not reacting  (Read 376 times)
tayana
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 51



« on: September 17, 2014, 11:37:50 AM »

My pwBPD is getting out of the hospital today.  She is not coming home, but going to a hotel instead.  She claims I kicked her out of the house, when I told her she could come home, but that she need some sort of plan in place so she would stay safe.  When I spoke with her earlier in the week, I once again told her she could come home, but that I needed to know that she was safe.  She got upset because I put everything back to her and her choices.  She asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted her to come home.  She then asked me if I was going to accept her mental illness and everything that went with it.  I once again told her I accept it, but I needed to know that she was going to be safe when she comes home.  She said that isn't accepting and that recovery was going to take a long time.  I told her I knew that it was going to take time, but I still needed her to assure me that she was going to take steps to stay safe at home.  She has continued cutting in the hospital.  This just made her even more angry.

We have children in the home, and I'm tired of the little one wanting to why mama has ouches and where they came from.  I don't think it is unreasonable of me to ask this. 

However I am very angry at her for thinking that I am not supporting her and that I am not accepting that she has an illness just because I want her to be safe.  I'm angry that she still tells everyone I kicked her out when I didn't.  I'm doing my best to just put it back to her and let it be her choice.  I'm just having a hard time doing that.
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

sweetheart
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2014, 12:54:49 PM »

Tayana I had a read of your most recent posts and saw that there was some talk of a group home for your SO, but no places available. If she is still self-harming and feels suicidal it sounds like really good plan that she be discharged to a hotel especially as there are children involved. The group home was clearly something her mental health team thought would benefit her further, is this still an option for her future treatment?

Asking your SO if she can keep herself safe is clearly not working and her current behaviour indicates that she cannot.

The only way you can find out if she is ready to change is through her actions not her words. She has continued to express ambivalence about her involvement with you even from hospital which must be very confusing for you. This is also because you have said you want some assurances from her and rightly so.

I am surprised that she is being discharged if she continues to actively self-harm and express suicidal ideation, what is her discharge plan of care ?  Her medical team have a duty of care to prioritise the safety of any children in the home, are they aware of what she is saying and that your children may be exposed to her behaviours ?

It might be an important boundary for you and the well-being of the children to see if she can demonstrate a period of stability before she returns home to you. This might seem harsh, but you have a really great opportunity to try and put a safety plan in place before she is discharged, which doesn't have to mean being discharged home to you straight away.

For me I would not have my dBPDh home from hospital if I knew he was self-harming and run the risk of our s6 being further exposed to this kind of self-injury.

I am not suggesting that you have any easy choice here, but at least she is somewhere safe whilst you explore what other options there might be for you and your family.
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takingandsending
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, 15 years; together 18 years
Posts: 1121



« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2014, 01:43:33 PM »

Hi tayana.

I am going to echo sweetheart's sentiments. It must feel very unfair to be cast into the role of the villain for wanting your SO to have a safety plan and for having a boundary to protect the health of your children. But that is a very reasonable and actually loving boundary for all parties involved. I can imagine the dilemma this puts you in, but keep reflecting on your core values and assess how you are being true to them. You can love her, with her mental illness, but that "and everything that comes with it" needs to be defined. You cannot validate the invalid thoughts and behaviors, nor should you.

I think that you want to be clear within yourself what behaviors you can live with and those that you cannot live with. Everything else is unfortunately part of the FOG. Wishing you luck in a tough situation. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. 
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tayana
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 51



« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2014, 04:01:08 PM »

I really don't know what the plan is.  She excludes me from her treatment and treatment plans.  She says she has a place to go in a month, but I don't know if that is to someone else's house (an ex who offered her a place to stay) or if that is at a home.  I stopped pushing for more information since she doesn't want to tell me anything.  In her mind, I don't need to know.

I saw her briefly when I went home at lunch while she was getting her things together to go to the hotel.  She was very distant and almost like she didn't want to talk to me at all.  I was a little upset that she wasn't going to come see the kids tonight, but I can't really do anything about that. 

She was still actively cutting as soon as two days ago.  She showed me all of her bandaged parts.  I think she likes the attention she gets.  She says she is with a friend now.  I don't know who that friend is.  I really don't care.  It's probably the same friend who was supplying her with drugs for her overdoses.  She did tell me she feels really uneasy about being out of the hospital and not knowing what's going on.
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