When my husband and I were going through marriage prep almost 17 years ago, one of the things that was heavily emphasized was fighting fair. I tried to implement it for years and often wondered why it never seemed to work. I brought up the idea of fighting fair in another thread started by maxsterling and provided a link to a website that had 25 rules for fighting fair. It was brought to my attention that many of these things do not work for somebody with BPD or BPD traits. So, I set out to alter the list based on my experiences with my husband. It was a bit cathartic to go through the list and write out how I could use the list to help me when dealing with my husband to try make discussions/fighting more productive or at least not hurtful. I was wondering if anybody could make suggestions. A lot of it is stuff from the lessons but I am one that likes to write things out for myself to help me process it.
The original website link is:
www.foryourmarriage.org/25-ways-to-fight-fair/Here is my adapted list with explanations as they might be helpful in my situation:
1. Know your own feelings.
I need to be perfectly honest with myself about how I feel. Even if I cannot communicate those feelings to my partner just yet, I need to be aware of them so that I do not deny my feelings or allow my partner to diminish them. My feelings are my feelings and it is okay to have them. Also, be aware of FOG. Am I still caught up in fear, obligation, and guilt?
2. Anger is an emotion– neither right nor wrong in itself.
It is okay to be angry but it is not okay to act on those feelings in a way that is hurtful to anyone. Likewise, it is okay for my partner to be angry as long has he does not take that anger out on me. What boundaries can I set to protect myself from his anger? What can I do to keep myself from reacting in anger? Do NOT JADE.
3. Negotiation and compromise are essential in any marriage.
Validate, validate, validate! My partner will likely not be able to negotiate or compromise. I can validate but do NOT have to agree. I can have my own feelings and thoughts even if my partner does not validate them. Remember to STOP the cycle of conflict. Do NOT expect negotiation or compromise. Change my expectations!
4. Cooling-off periods.
Figure out an escape plan in case I am unable to be civil and stay calm. I need to find ways to disengage and get some down time so that I can come back with a clear head. I have a difficult time addressing things when I feel like I have been ambushed.
5. Pin down a time and place.
Set boundaries for myself regarding where I will or won't discuss certain things. I do not want to fight in front of the kids, family members, or in public. Be willing to walk away and ask to discuss things later if feeling cornered.
6. Fight by mutual consent.
Don’t insist on a fight when your spouse is in a period of dysregulation. When dysregulated, there is no point in discussing anything. It is likely that my partner will not ask for my consent before trying to discuss certain topics. If I am not prepared to discuss something, it is okay for me to try to set a boundary and ask to discuss it later when I am more prepared. It will also be helpful to try to remain in a good place so that I can respond constructively rather than reactively.
7. Stick to the subject.
Work on my own issues separate from my partner to help keep me focused on which issues are real and which issues are a result of skewed perception. All issues are real but some will require my attention and others will require me to validate and move on. It is not my responsibility to try to solve all of my partners problems. Try to ask that my partner stays on track and sticks to one topic instead of firing a whole bunch of stuff at me at once. If I feel overwhelmed, it is okay to walk away.
8. State the issue honestly and clearly.
Don't even sit down and talk unless I have specific instances and can be as clear as possible. Even then, do not expect to have my partner hear me. Also, I can own my own truth. It is okay to have my own feelings and I need to do a better job of stating them clearly and owning them even if I am not able to communicate them with my partner. When I do state them, I need to check my tone of voice to make sure that I am not being condescending, overly frustrated, or overly emotional as my tone of voice and body language will sometimes cloud the overall discussion. I know that my partner can be overly sensitive to these things.
9. Don’t camouflage.
Don't expect my partner to be able to adequately communicate what is going on. I may need to stick with it and validate and help him by listening to the best of my ability and try to see what the underlying issues are. I am not a mind reader but there are times when it is obvious that he is camouflaging things. Everything that he says is a form of communication and is a result of his feelings. Even if I do not understand it, I can empathize and validate the underlying feeling.
10. Afraid to fight?
Stop walking on eggshells. Work on equipping myself with the proper tools so that future fights will not make things worse. Once I get the hang of not making things worse, then I can work on finding ways to make things better.
11. Don’t hit below the belt.
When I feel really frustrated and attacked, I will sometimes say hurtful things. STOP IT!
12. Don’t label.
Don't think of everything in terms of his conditions (sex addict/BPD/etc. Don't dismiss what he says because I have made up my mind that he is an addict, etc. He is a person first and foremost and is struggling as much as or more than me.
13. Grant equal time.
Realize that I will not be given equal time. This is not a realistic expectation based on past history. Try to set boundaries so that I can express myself in a respectful manner. Do not allow myself to be insulted or talked down to. Even though no resolution may happen, I can at least try to work towards not making things worse.
14. Feedback and clarification.
Validate, validate, validate! I can ask him questions to try to see his point of view but try not to ask WHY questions as those tend to evoke answers like, "Because I am stupid." or other unhelpful responses. Be careful not to JADE! When asking for feedback and clarification, it is common to have my words twisted until I am no longer sure what the conversation was about in the first place. Try to find a balance and know when to validate and walk away. It is okay if I do not understand my partners point of view. Don't get caught up in talking in circles.
15. Gain new understanding.
Even if I am unable to keep my cool or make any progress, I can make notes so that I can be better prepared next time. The goal is to try to find the predictability in the unpredictable.
16. Implement changes.
If I promise to make a change, follow through with it. However, do NOT expect my partner to change. I can only control myself and that is the person that I must focus on the most.
17. Develop humor.
Humor can sometimes help but I have to be careful when I use it. There are times when my partner misinterprets or takes my humor as a personal attack.
18. Keep your fights to yourself.
Keeping fights to myself does not mean protecting my partner at the expense of myself. Sometimes it helps to get another perspective. Do NOT isolate myself and pretend that everything is okay. This means that I need to be very selective about who I speak with about our problems and perhaps seek the help of a counselor or therapist. If I do talk to others, focus on my struggles rather than blaming my spouse.
19. Handling anger in front of children. (I couldn't come up with anything better here.)
“When anger and conflict initially erupt in front of children, also try to resolve these feelings in front of them. You may need a cooling off period first, but they need to learn about negotiation, discussion, and compromise by watching you do it constructively. Apologizing for excesses in front of children also teaches them about reconciliation.”
20. Don’t attempt to resolve a conflict when drinking heavily.
Don't drink with my partner as that tends to lead to problems. If he is drinking, keep a safe distance. If I want to have a drink, do it with a friend or relative.
21. “Touch” can begin dialogue.
Touch can be very powerful in making a connection with my partner. Holding his hand or putting my hand on him can help start a conversation. Try to maintain physical contact in order to help keep things calm. Be aware of the fact that sometimes physical touch leads to places that I do not want to go. Watch for those signs and be honest with him and myself about whether or not I am willing to go there. It is okay to say no. It is okay to want to focus on non-sexual touching.
22. Exclude violence.
Have an escape plan in case my partner gets violent or starts threatening suicide.
23. Is the problem elsewhere?
Recognize the fact that my partner has problems that existed before our marriage. Recognize that I am not responsible for his problems and he is not responsible for my problems. A lot of our marital problems are a result of our combined problems that both of us need to work on separately. Trying to discuss marital issues without considering the overall context might make addressing issues within the marriage more difficult. I can support my partner in his attempts to deal with his problems but they are NOT my responsibility. Doing more for him will not make him better. I do not need to rescue him. He needs to take responsibility for his problems and I need to take responsibility for my problems. Our individual problems are a major contributor to the marital problems. If we work on ourselves, some of the marital problems might slowly resolve.
24. Respect crying.
Respect all emotions and not just crying. As long as the emotional display is not mean, disrespectful, violent, or manipulative, try to validate it rather than getting sidetracked. Be prepared for outbursts so that I can deal with them without losing my head and reacting. It is okay for me to cry. If I am not comfortable crying in front of my partner, I can find a place where I feel safe crying. Crying is NOT a sign of weakness.
25. Prayer as strength.
Use prayer, meditation, or other spirituality to help me gain inner strength. To add to this, educate myself and continue reading whatever materials I can get my hands on.
