Wanting to protect my Daughter

[jenbren2006]

Recently remarried and my husband's ex wife has diagnosed BPD.  He has three children ages 7,9, and 11.  I also have a 7 year old daughter.  We have his kids 50/50 and my daughter full time.  Not only has it been tough dealing with his ex wife but the older two children have major anxiety issues of their own.  His 11 year old son has been "targeting" my daughter and will not leave her alone.  He is constantly on her and interrupting her conversations.  He feels like he knows everything.  I have disciplined him many times but it seems like he is set on making life miserable for her.  I have her in counseling and we are just beginning it with him.  I only knew the children for about 3 weeks before we got married (thanks to keeping this a secret from his ex wife) and now I feel like we are just a bunch of strangers living under one roof putting up with each other.  I feel bad for his children and what they have had to go through, however, I am all my daughter has and I have such a strong urge to defend her that it's hard for me to form a relationship with his oldest son.  Is there anyone else who has dealt with this issue blending families?  We aren't 100% sure the son has BPD but is already developing some symptoms from it.

[NorthernGirl]

Hello (again) jenbren2006. I posted a hi on our New Member board, but also wanted to add a note here too. You've definitely come to the right place. We've got great members on this board who have helped me work through a number of issues.

My husband (DH) has three sons with his ex, who we strongly suspect has BPD. The kids have all had some impacts because of their mom. They have learned how to deal with many issues by watching their mom, and it isn't easy for them to see another way. Luckily my DH has come to understand the role he needs to take with his kids and has made a difference in how they behave. 

How does your husband deal with his son's behaviors? Do you feel you are on the same page when it comes to discipline?

Keep posting and we'll help you as best we can. 

[DreamGirl]

Is there anyone else who has dealt with this issue blending families?  We aren't 100% sure the son has BPD but is already developing some symptoms from it.

Pick me! Pick me! 

I'm ten years in. Life is good. I have two sons, 15 and 18, and three stepdaughters 12, 15, and 17. It's been a long, difficult and very fulfilling road. You're in the right place.

I do think there are a couple of positive factors going for you.

1.) Therapy is a huge benefit when it comes to stepfamily issues

2.) The kids are all under 13. Sounds crazy, but statistically speaking you fare far better in these situations if you get married before the children are teenagers.

I think there is a fantasy that we all have that this is going to be easy. I mean loving our husbands is easy, so loving their children and them loving us back (along with OUR children) should be easy.

But this stuff isn't just throwing us all together and hoping for the best. There are small things that we don't realize --- like did you know that experts recommend not to treat these new families like nuclear ones where EVERYONE is included in everything? Stepfamilies/Divorces are about building one on one relationships. It's about not taking family trips all the time, but taking your new stepson shopping by yourself. Or you taking your own daughter for some mommy time. Things like that.   

And to throw a little empathy in the kiddos' direction, it would be hard for a child to embrace such a dramatic change so quickly. (3 weeks isn't very long) I understand why you did it that way, but they just don't understand it. Kids don't always cope very well - especially one who has anxiety issues.

What is the therapist suggesting so far?

Just out of curiosity, where's your daughters dad?

[jenbren2006]

So last night my husbands son punched my daughter in the eye.  I am very scared for her safety and mental wellbeing as well as my stability to not slap or spank his son.  If this happens I will get in big trouble.  The only solution I can think of at this point is to live apart while he has his children.  It's really sad because my husband and I have a hard time being apart from each other but I don't see anything else that we can do at this point from a safety standpoint.  Maybe if he can get him more counseling and see another medical dr (his son is diagnosed with ADD but he has more bipolar symptoms) then maybe we can try reintegrating in the future.  But for right now I'm trying desparately to fix this and this is the only way I know how.

[NeverTooLate]

We are also a blended family, and I strongly recommend family therapy. It would be a pity to give up if you and your husband love each other, but you have to protect your daughter. I believe that it is never alright to hit or spank a child. we need to aim for peace in a household, especially if your husband and step kids have been through the chaos of a living with a borderline. Your step son needs to know that it is never acceptable for there to be any hitting in you household. An impossible message if the adults smack. Very good luck. blended families are never easy.

[Rubies]

I am so sorry this is happening to your daughter, it is horrible for the two of you.  What is your husband doing about his son's behavior?

Yes, family therapy, but I think father/son sessions are in order.

Many of us who spend a lot of time with "labeled" children see most parents allowing and excusing bad behavior and put it all on the disorder.  No.   These kids need to be parented differently and harder.   It's a tough job, but it's the parents' job to get these kids under control before they hit puberty.

When bad behavior CAN be put under their "label" is when the child is misdiagnosed and possibly wrongly medicated.   Unfortunately this is too COMMON with horrific results.

First take away his strawberry Poptarts and clean up his diet. 

Suspect he is acting out stress from abuse or other situation and cannot articulate this.    When he starts up, step in and say, "You seem to be having a problem, would you like to talk about it?"   He may not immediately, but he will ask questions about what's bothering him.  It may be a simple issue to resolve by talking, often it will be an abuse disclosure.

I've seen abuse in its many forms misdiagnosed as ADHD, schizophrenia, bi-polar and methamphetamine use... .in children.

[Swiggle]

Compared to some of the stories on here our issues seem so minor with what others go through. I think one thing that has helped us is that i have established clear boundaries, consequences and respect with both my step kids. A few weeks ago I was with my kids DD11, DS61/2, SS7 and SD12 shopping. SS was being really annoying to my son who asked him repeatedly to stop but he didn't listen. My sone turned and sort of pushed my SS away and in doing so hit him in the knee with a small item he was holding. I took the sign away and told SS that he should be respectful when someone asks him to stop doing something. He looked at me and turned and punched my son twice. I took him by the arm to push him out of the situation, when I did he punched me twice in the arm. It took all I had not to spank him... .I knew that if I was going to punish him for hitting I couldn't then hit him, that doesn't sit well with me.

I got down on his leve and very sternly told him that he will never raise his hand to me or put his hands on his siblings ever again. He said he did it because he was mad and all that and I explained in that moment that it doesn't matter it is never ok to hit. On the spot I grounded him to his room for the rest of the weekend, this was a friday afternoon. I also grounded my son for the rest of the night for his involvement of pushing/hitting.

My SS did NOTHING that weekend. He was not allowed to eat with us as a family and had to stay in his room. We had some things planned for the weekend and we weren't all going to suffer since he was grounded so we did things anway and he got to sit on the sidelines and watch. It killed me the entire weekend, I had my sister in town and was sad that he couldn't spend time with all of us but what he did was inexusable. Of course when his uBPDm found out she downplayed his actions and totally had pitty for him that he was grounded for 3 days. This is how she undermines what we do but we stick to our guns and explain it is all out of love. Even when he turns into the little victim (he learned that from his mom) we continue to use lots of empahty and reinforce our by saying things like "Aww we are sorry that you feel that way but we love you"

At the end of the weekend I asked SS if he wanted to be a part of our family. I told him that he didn't have to be but that I would be sad as would his dad and other siblings. I explained if he didn't want to be part of our family that we would treat him as such. (I had ideas in my head but was hoping he would say yes so that I didn't hve to do them). With tears in his eyes he said he did want to be a part of the family and so I explained that one of the rules of our family is that we do not hit each other and that it is unacceptable. We had talked to our family T about this and explained to him some of the other consequences should he hit again or hit classmates or stangers. I hope I never have to treat him as not being a part of our family but I am fully prepared to do so if he ever raises his hand to me or anyone again.

i'm not sure if this was helpful but maybe seeing strategies others have used will help you. Good luck!