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Author Topic: Dealing with my anger  (Read 567 times)
vortex of confusion
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« on: September 19, 2014, 12:23:08 AM »

I am so angry tonight. Sometimes I feel like I am dysregulating.

This evening when my husband got home from work, I went and hung out with him while we changed. We sat on the bed and talked. The kids came in and hung out and then left. He was going to lift my shirt and blow a fart on my belly. I rather quickly, and perhaps tersely, said NO. Then I added, my tummy has been feeling kind of meh today. He had that dejected look but I let it go.

A little later we were sitting on the porch and he says out of nowhere, I don't know what your boundaries are. I said, "What do you mean?" So he says, "I was just trying to be playful and you told me no." I repeated that my stomach wasn't feeling the greatest because it is getting close to that time. Somewhere in there, he accused me of being distant because I didn't want him to blow a fart on my belly.

It made me rather angry. Why the heck can't I say no without justifying it? I probably shouldn't have said anything or tried to keep it simple. I don't really know how I should have handled it. I felt a couple of things. One, I felt like he was trying to use the whole boundary thing as a way to bait me into some kind of discussion. I didn't take the bait at all. Two, I felt like he was trying to make me feel bad because I told him I didn't want him to do that. One of my complaints has been that he has gotten too serious and is no longer playful. The underlying implication was that he was doing what I wanted and I wasn't happy about it.

No big deal. I let it go. My van has been messing up so I talked to my brother about looking at it for me. He called me on his way home so I could meet him at his house. I go over there and hang out with my brother for a while. I get home and the younger three kids are still up. They refuse to go to bed for him. Not only do they not want to go to bed but they are all hyper and can't settle down. I was gone for two, maybe three hours and when I come home, I feel like I am being punished by the kids. Of course, he takes no responsibility for any of it. It is all the kids' fault.

And then, he starts yelling at the kids about settling down because he has to get up in so many hours. Instead of going to bed, he goes and plays on his computer because he needs to relax. Between him and the kids, I am so angry and I am trying to keep my cool and not react. It is so very difficult. Does it get any easier with time? I feel like I have suppressed so much for so long that it is all hitting me at once.
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« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2014, 12:56:59 AM »

I am sorry vortex. I know the feeling. I have a hard time controlling my anger/hate towards my BPD as well.

for years I would have very dark thoughts about my BPD wife.  then I would beat myself up for being a monster inside and try not to think that way. then it would happen again.   i am just now trying to understand how to let that part of me out in a healthy way.
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Indyan
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« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2014, 01:57:06 AM »

I am sorry vortex. I know the feeling. I have a hard time controlling my anger/hate towards my BPD as well.

for years I would have very dark thoughts about my BPD wife.  then I would beat myself up for being a monster inside and try not to think that way. then it would happen again.   i am just now trying to understand how to let that part of me out in a healthy way.

I've received so much anger and sadness from him for the past 2 months and a half, that I've thought at times "If only he could kill himself once and for good, we'd all just be relieved." And then I feel terribly guilty about it  :'(
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Moselle
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« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2014, 02:39:19 AM »

Our primary emotional response is to feel annoyed, frustrated, fear, contentment. These are normal in healthy relationships. We deal with them, recover and move on.

In BPD relationships, both parties, have a secondary response, based on a judgement, usually an unqualified but entrained judgement. "He is doing that deliberately to annoy me", or "I do what she wants me to do, then she gets upset about it. She's so inconsistent". "She always... ., He always... ."

The secondary emotional response is often anger, which (although an important emotion in general life for self preservation) is only destructive in intimate relationships. It's not good on either side.

How to stop anger before it starts?

p24 high conflict couples

"If we can describe the situation, describe our reactions (sensations, emotions, wants) and notice how our reactions make sense, most often our emotions will be soothed, and we will return to a more balanced perspective, and then act effectively"... .

"One of the benefits of anger, is that it is easy to notice and can become a signal that we are headed down a destructive path"
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2014, 12:03:51 PM »

I am sorry vortex. I know the feeling. I have a hard time controlling my anger/hate towards my BPD as well.

for years I would have very dark thoughts about my BPD wife.  then I would beat myself up for being a monster inside and try not to think that way. then it would happen again.   i am just now trying to understand how to let that part of me out in a healthy way.

That is the hardest part for me. For years, I would simply deny my anger. I would find ways to excuse his behavior so that I would normalize it and turn it back on myself so I didn't really have to think about it. I was pretty much putting blinders on in order to cope. Without those blinders on, I am seeing things as they really are and it makes me so angry. When I posted last night, I so badly wanted to yell at him or get mean. I figured it was safer to come here and vent and try to see if I could sit with my anger without necessarily acting on it.

I have a right to be angry. I think most people would be angry in my situation. I do not need for him to validate my anger or even acknowledge that he understands why I am angry. It is my anger and I get to own it. His input or approval is not necessary!
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2014, 12:57:43 PM »

Our primary emotional response is to feel annoyed, frustrated, fear, contentment. These are normal in healthy relationships. We deal with them, recover and move on.

In BPD relationships, both parties, have a secondary response, based on a judgement, usually an unqualified but entrained judgement. "He is doing that deliberately to annoy me", or "I do what she wants me to do, then she gets upset about it. She's so inconsistent". "She always... ., He always... ."

I got past the idea that he was deliberately doing things to annoy me a long time ago. He isn't that thoughtful. I don't want to sound mean but I realized a long time ago that he is incapable of putting that much thought into any kind of relationship. In order to do something to deliberately annoy me, he would have to, first, know me and know what annoys me. Second, he would have to actually think about somebody other than himself. In my case, when I thought that he was doing things to deliberately annoy me, I was projecting a bit. I will be perfectly honest and say that there were times when I would do something to get a reaction out of him. He confuses me because he will react to things that most people wouldn't even notice. And then, there are things that other people would react to that he seems completely oblivious to.

Excerpt
The secondary emotional response is often anger, which (although an important emotion in general life for self preservation) is only destructive in intimate relationships. It's not good on either side.

I question this. I would think that anger itself is neutral. When it becomes as problem is when someone acts on that anger in destructive ways. I think it is okay to be angry in a relationship. I think a lot of the problems that I have stem from not letting myself be angry.

Excerpt
How to stop anger before it starts?

p24 high conflict couples

"If we can describe the situation, describe our reactions (sensations, emotions, wants) and notice how our reactions make sense, most often our emotions will be soothed, and we will return to a more balanced perspective, and then act effectively"... .

"One of the benefits of anger, is that it is easy to notice and can become a signal that we are headed down a destructive path"

When I feel like my reaction makes sense, my husband looks at me like I am crazy. So, I am trying to focus on my feelings, emotions, reactions, etc. without my husband in the equation. In order to do that, I am having to figure out how to own whatever it is I am feeling without acting on it.

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mstnghu
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« Reply #6 on: September 19, 2014, 01:10:13 PM »

I am sorry vortex. I know the feeling. I have a hard time controlling my anger/hate towards my BPD as well.

for years I would have very dark thoughts about my BPD wife.  then I would beat myself up for being a monster inside and try not to think that way. then it would happen again.   i am just now trying to understand how to let that part of me out in a healthy way.

I've received so much anger and sadness from him for the past 2 months and a half, that I've thought at times "If only he could kill himself once and for good, we'd all just be relieved." And then I feel terribly guilty about it  :'(

My wife threatened to kill herself after a fight a couple of nights ago. She drove off in her car in anger and the last thing she said to me was "the next time you see me will be at my funeral!". This was in front of our 3 year old son. Of course, as somebody with a moral conscience does, I felt horribly guilty at some of the things I'd said to her in the midst of our fight. I even started crying thinking about how she was out driving around and possibly going through with killing herself. I found myself thinking about how I'd actually respond if she carried it out. It made me sad and yet at the same time I felt a sense of relief. Then, I found myself feeling guilty about that!

My wife eventually came back home. She did admit to me (whether she was serious or it was a cry for help, I'll never know) that she was contemplating suicide.  Of course she blamed me for pushing her to that point. Of course I felt guilty again. The reality is though that it's her sickness that pushed her to that point.

At this moment in time, we're once again getting along... .until next time.
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MissyM
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« Reply #7 on: September 19, 2014, 01:52:58 PM »

Vortex, for me it was a process.  I was very angry for a couple of years, after discovering my husband had used prostitutes.  It has been 3 years and I have been in therapy, meetings, EMDR and really working on myself.  Now, if he used prostitutes again I would be really angry but everything else I was being triggered very easily by was because of my resentment towards all of the awful things he had done.  Once I was able to really process how I had been victimized and moved forward to recognizing my needs and expressing them, the anger has mostly gone. 

So, how much of the anger was about what happened last night and how much was piggy backed upon previous behaviors?  I find if I am just dealing with what is happening at the moment, and not all the other crap that has happened, then I am not nearly as angry.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #8 on: September 19, 2014, 02:16:14 PM »

Vortex, for me it was a process.  I was very angry for a couple of years, after discovering my husband had used prostitutes.  It has been 3 years and I have been in therapy, meetings, EMDR and really working on myself.  Now, if he used prostitutes again I would be really angry but everything else I was being triggered very easily by was because of my resentment towards all of the awful things he had done.  Once I was able to really process how I had been victimized and moved forward to recognizing my needs and expressing them, the anger has mostly gone. 

So, how much of the anger was about what happened last night and how much was piggy backed upon previous behaviors?  I find if I am just dealing with what is happening at the moment, and not all the other crap that has happened, then I am not nearly as angry.

Hmmm, that is a good question! I think a lot of my anger is residual anger that I never allowed myself to feel. Now that I am allowing myself to feel anger and other negative feelings about my husband, it seems like I have opened a flood gate. But, there was still a lot of anger about what happened in the moment. I tried to set a boundary, which was not allowing somebody to touch me if I don't want to be touched. Then, he had to make an issue of not know what my boundaries are. And, I was angry because I felt like I had to explain why I didn't want to be touched. He doesn't really need to know anything other than "No means no!" It is my body and I don't have to let him fart on my belly if I don't want to. When I write that out, I can't help but laugh because it is such a juvenile thing to be upset over.
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MissyM
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« Reply #9 on: September 19, 2014, 02:30:05 PM »

Excerpt
Hmmm, that is a good question! I think a lot of my anger is residual anger that I never allowed myself to feel.

Yeah, working through that anger with safe people was absolutely necessary to me!  Having others recognize and validating my feelings was really healing.  I get that you were upset about the boundary violation, just guessing that it being one more boundary violation that sent it into really angry.  That is normal and takes some time to work through.
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Moselle
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« Reply #10 on: September 19, 2014, 03:59:58 PM »

I think a lot of my anger is residual anger that I never allowed myself to feel. Now that I am allowing myself to feel anger and other negative feelings about my husband, it seems like I have opened a flood gate.

I think this is one of the BPD rules - "no anger" (from us, not them LOL), we sense it and subconsciously bottle it. I've realised that if I bottle my anger it comes out in passive aggressive ways. Learning to express it and not damage anybody is my work in progress
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dog_star

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« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2014, 10:12:14 AM »

That is the hardest part for me. For years, I would simply deny my anger. I would find ways to excuse his behavior so that I would normalize it and turn it back on myself so I didn't really have to think about it. I was pretty much putting blinders on in order to cope. Without those blinders on, I am seeing things as they really are and it makes me so angry. . .

Yep. Waking up to the fact that my wife has BPD has caused all sorts of strong emotions to surface in me. Things that were just stuffed into a box because they did not make sense. My wife has been telling me that I emotionally abuse her for years. I would try to listen sometimes and try to see how maybe I was doing this. But in reality I am the one who has suffered the most emotional abuse. Now that I see that I am enraged at her. And at myself for letting it go on for so long.

I've received so much anger and sadness from him for the past 2 months and a half, that I've thought at times "If only he could kill himself once and for good, we'd all just be relieved." And then I feel terribly guilty about it  :'(

Maybe she will get in a car wreak and die, then it would be over.

Maybe her plane will crash and die, then it would be over.

Maybe she will get cancer and die, then it would be over.

What person could have thoughts like this and be ok with them? I think what I need to recognize is that I am a person in a extraordinary situation. People can have extreme emotions in extraordinary situations. That is a normal human response. Yes?

Then of course there is the flip side that often comes with my anger/hate/guilt thing:

Maybe I will get in a car wreak and die, then it would be over.

Maybe my plane will crash and die, then it would be over.

Maybe I will get cancer and die, then it would be over.

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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2014, 10:40:53 AM »

What person could have thoughts like this and be ok with them? I think what I need to recognize is that I am a person in a extraordinary situation. People can have extreme emotions in extraordinary situations. That is a normal human response. Yes?

When I started having thoughts like that is when I woke up a bit. I will never forget having these really dark thoughts and feelings. It scared me so I went to my husband and told him that I felt like I was drowning. Up until that point, I felt like I had supported him in all of his endeavors. I had worked on wooing him and communicating with him. I had read all sorts of things about being the wife of a sex addict. I had done so much work on myself up to that point and had tried so hard in all departments. I expected nothing from him. He didn't really help with the housework. He didn't help with the kids. I felt like a single parent. He was more interested in playing his computer games than spending time with me or the kids. Our emotional relationship was dead. Our physical relationship was dead and I think we had even moved into separate rooms because he could not handle getting woke up when I was going back and forth dealing with kids during the night. He would go in his room and play music, watch movies, and pretty much just check out while I was left taking care of everything.

I feel like I have lots of reasons to be angry. Finding out about BPD and reading through the lessons has been a blessing and a curse. I am angry at myself for not seeing a lot of little red flags sooner. I am angry at myself because I spent so much time and effort with things thinking that things would be better if I could just figure out the magic formula. And most of all, I am angry at him because of all of the things that he has said and done over the years that were anything but normal. There were times that I would have a reaction to something that he had done only to talk myself out of those feelings. I would literally tell myself, "Oh, you are not allowed to feel that way. You need to be more compassionate towards him." Then, one day, it felt like all of my compassion dried up.
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