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Author Topic: Birthdays, Christmas and Anniversaries = Dysregulation central. Why?  (Read 678 times)
Moselle
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« on: September 19, 2014, 03:46:23 AM »

I've noticed from my experience that big days bring out the claws in my dBP/NPw.

No matter how much effort I put in, something is always wrong, the venue, the present, the attention I gave her.

When I tell her my non-negotiables in the relationship are Respect, Nurturing, Autonomy and Reciprocation. She tells me her non-negotiables are to be there to wrap presents for the children in the build up to Christmas instead of working, make a big fuss of her on her birthday, and treat her on our anniversary.

But it's not the flowers, birthday dinner and present that I would consider normal. It's a whole day thing, and she must be the centre of attention, and it must be perfect, HER perfect. And I must guess what HER perfect is.

 

Needless to say I dread these days because I can never measure up. Actually it's usually the night or day before, when the rage starts. She anticipates that I'm not going to measure up, and she pre-dysregulates.

Can anyone tell me why?
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« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2014, 03:50:18 AM »

I don't know why but totally agree. We had good Christmas but then he kicked off and threw me out 5am Boxing Day, birthdays or any special occasion it was the same and it was always my fault.  Not sure why I wondered if it's that nothing would ever live up to his fantasy of how it "should" be.  But I could never understand why it had to be directed at me always
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Moselle
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« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2014, 04:11:27 AM »

I don't know why but totally agree. We had good Christmas but then he kicked off and threw me out 5am Boxing Day, birthdays or any special occasion it was the same and it was always my fault.  Not sure why I wondered if it's that nothing would ever live up to his fantasy of how it "should" be.  But I could never understand why it had to be directed at me always

LOL, so it's the same for you Merlin? At least I'm not alone in the craziness of it.
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itgirl
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« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2014, 05:23:00 AM »

With my BPDgf I gathered that her family didn't do much for her on her birthday when she was little and certainly not now when she is older.  She doesn't even get a phone call. 

I think its just not a happy time for them and it brings back painful memories.
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« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2014, 05:45:58 AM »

From what I understand this has to do with the pressure and expectations building up. For some reason a pwBPD is so insecure of their own abilities to live through such a day, the tension starts building.

So, I don't think it's the actual flowers or the way you behave. It is their fear of

-   not being good enough

-   not being normal enough

-   fear of messing things up

-   fear of not living up to expectations

-   fear of dysregulating on such an important and visible day

that is being externalized onto stuff you’re doing. And in this way a pwBPD unfortunately creates the situation they are actually fearing.

How to deal with this?  Expect nothing, don’t build up the pressure, pretend like it’s another normal day, maybe even validate along the lines of normalizing that birthdays can be stressful for everyone and that you could imagine some people would just want to get it over with. Same goes for Christmas and anniversaries...
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Moselle
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« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2014, 09:19:40 AM »

With my BPDgf I gathered that her family didn't do much for her on her birthday when she was little and certainly not now when she is older.  She doesn't even get a phone call.  

I think its just not a happy time for them and it brings back painful memories.

I think, it's all just excuses. My W's family goes nuts for birthdays. Really overboard. Ridiculous numbers of presents, spoiled all day. Centre of attention for 30 year old children. I actually got lectured by the father to stop thinking of W as an equal. She's more like a child! He told me (Yes nutjob, if you destroy your children's spirit, they never really grow up - Well done)

She told me it was the only day besides Christmas day that she felt loved by her family. They're all BPD, NPD, suicidal or antisocial (all 8 have something going on and managed to hide it from me for 10 years) this stuff all started coming out during the last 4 years of therapy.

So perhaps the painful memory is that her family only loved her on one day of the year?

If I treat it like any other day, she dysregulates becuase she doesn't feel loved. If I spoil her, there's always something wrong. It's victim mentality, And I've found she responds to being told firmly but calmly to stop being a victim. I'll try that next time, and try validating her at the same time
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« Reply #6 on: September 19, 2014, 10:43:20 AM »

I think it is attention seeking behavior. I have seen it in my mother, my sister, and my husband. It is one of those double edged swords. They automatically assume the worst even if they know they are going to get spoiled etc. The assume that they will be ignored. If they are ignored and it is treated like a regular day, they are mad because they were ignored. If you give them attention, they get mad because you proved them wrong and they don't want to be wrong. So, they have to twist things in their head so that they can make what they created in their head match reality. It is like they get something out of being dysregulated.

Even our wedding anniversaries are made to be about him. On our last anniversary, I asked him to plan something for us to do since I got somebody to babysit for us. That was a huge cluster of a mess. On our anniversary, he told me, "If I had it to do all over, I probably wouldn't have married you." On our 15th anniversary, I picked a song for each year and posted it on social media and tagged him in it with a cute little story about that year. I made a big deal out of it. He did nothing. No gifts, no cards, barely any attention was given to our anniversary. I had asked him if he could hook up the VCR so we could watch the video with the kids but he didn't do it. He got all upset because I felt hurt. He couldn't understand why I might be a little bit hurt. It felt so crazy.

I have so many stories of how I have gone all out trying to make special days really special only to have him get weird. Of course, on days that are special for me, he hardly does anything. He will talk a good game but do very little. Or, it seems that he will find ways to get mad over something. On my last birthday, my brother and his girlfriend threw a big birthday party for me. I had been drinking and the kids were tired. He got all pissy about the whole thing. Everybody told him to go ahead and go home with the kids and they would make sure that I got home safely. We were at my brother's house which was only a few miles from our house. He upset the kids and ended up coming back and getting me because he couldn't handle the kids. It was infuriating.
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MissyM
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« Reply #7 on: September 19, 2014, 11:18:36 AM »



Excerpt
From what I understand this has to do with the pressure and expectations building up. For some reason a pwBPD is so insecure of their own abilities to live through such a day, the tension starts building.

So, I don't think it's the actual flowers or the way you behave. It is their fear of

-   not being good enough

-   not being normal enough

-   fear of messing things up

-   fear of not living up to expectations

-   fear of dysregulating on such an important and visible day

that is being externalized onto stuff you’re doing. And in this way a pwBPD unfortunately creates the situation they are actually fearing.

How to deal with this?  Expect nothing, don’t build up the pressure, pretend like it’s another normal day, maybe even validate along the lines of normalizing that birthdays can be stressful for everyone and that you could imagine some people would just want to get it over with. Same goes for Christmas and anniversaries...

I do think it is some of this but for my dBPDh it is also that he has a fantasy of how the day is going to go.  He builds up in his mind how it is going to be perfect and it can never meet that. He will tell me to do nothing but if I do nothing, he is angry and hurt.  If I do something, then I don't do it exactly how he wanted.  Of course, he doesn't convey what he wants.  I see my little girl do this on days for other people, she has in her mind how she is going to do all these great things for them and they will be so happy.  When that doesn't happen she is disappointed and becomes slightly dysregulated.  She definitely has some BPD tendencies, trying to work with those and help her not develop full-blown BPD.
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ziniztar
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« Reply #8 on: September 19, 2014, 11:42:44 AM »

What about not thinking where it comes from and instead, focusing on what we can do to make these days worthwile, knowing and expecting dysregulations? What can we do to not get caught up in it, and have a pleasant time regardless of their actions?
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« Reply #9 on: September 19, 2014, 11:49:56 AM »

I do think it is some of this but for my dBPDh it is also that he has a fantasy of how the day is going to go.  He builds up in his mind how it is going to be perfect and it can never meet that. He will tell me to do nothing but if I do nothing, he is angry and hurt.  If I do something, then I don't do it exactly how he wanted.  Of course, he doesn't convey what he wants.  I see my little girl do this on days for other people, she has in her mind how she is going to do all these great things for them and they will be so happy.  When that doesn't happen she is disappointed and becomes slightly dysregulated.  She definitely has some BPD tendencies, trying to work with those and help her not develop full-blown BPD.

Ooh, this made me think of another possibility. It could simply be the fact that they are overwhelmed. Anything that is different, good or bad has a tendency to set off one of my daughters. It doesn't matter the context. It doesn't matter if she was expecting it or not. It is simply the fact that it is different. In a parenting group that I am in, there is a lot of talk about how high needs kids have problems with transitions. Big days are full of transitions (expected and unexpected) and that causes dysregulation. It does't matter if the transition is leading to something good or bad. It is merely the whole having to shift gears.

So many of the things that I have read on some of the parenting forums about kids with high needs apply to my partner. I had never made that connection before coming to this forum.
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Moselle
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« Reply #10 on: September 19, 2014, 12:00:12 PM »

What about not thinking where it comes from and instead, focusing on what we can do to make these days worthwile, knowing and expecting dysregulations? What can we do to not get caught up in it, and have a pleasant time regardless of their actions?

I like this!

We can still have a good experience. What I'm doing at the minute is living each moment, describing what I'm experiencing at any given time. If it is good, I experience it, if it is bad I experience it. I'm learning not be in fear of the next dysregulation, but to be prepared for it, and realise that when it happens, I'm safe within my boundaries.

I'm enjoying time with my W for the first time in a very long time, because I'm solving problems only when they come up and not before they do.

Christmas is the next milestone for me. I'll be myself regardless of how she behaves. If she plays victim, I'll tell her such, and validate her at the same time.
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« Reply #11 on: September 19, 2014, 01:10:18 PM »

Yep, I've noticed the same thing.

Normal life causes my fiancé distress.  Anything that deviates from a normal day causes her even more anxiety and distress.

Question:  How did she handle her wedding day?  That's the one I will be facing.  Our date is not until March, and she has already deregulated claiming that I won't dress nice enough, my parents won't dress nice enough, that I will scratch my crotch during the ceremony, that my mom will chew with her mouth open... .  The funny thing is that she claims I am the one that is impossible to plan a wedding with 

She's told me before that previous boyfriends have told her she is "not marriage material".  I assume this is what they were speaking of - that they saw the dysregulation on just normal life days such as birthdays and holidays (or even weekends), and saw no possible way they could ever get so far as a wedding ceremony in one piece!
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« Reply #12 on: September 19, 2014, 01:42:36 PM »

Excerpt
Anything that is different, good or bad has a tendency to set off one of my daughters. It doesn't matter the context.

This is true for my daughter, not as badly as with my dBPDh.  Travel is kind of hard on her and throws my husband into severe dysregulation.  He does a little better to travel on his own, so that he can have the more control over what happens.  Traveling with the children just sends him off into a severe dysregualtion, he expresses that he feels very out of control in those situations.

Excerpt
What about not thinking where it comes from and instead, focusing on what we can do to make these days worthwile, knowing and expecting dysregulations? What can we do to not get caught up in it, and have a pleasant time regardless of their actions?

Yes, of course.  It does help me to understand where it comes from so that I can help minimize the effect.  In my daughter's case, I keep her to a pretty tight schedule and help her manage expectations.  With my dBPDh, we are trying to get him to express what he would like.  He is working on not expressing every negative thought he has.  I am working on letting him have his bad moods and not interfering.  We actually both managed last night, he was very down and starting to look for reasons why he was in a bad mood.  He started complaining about work and money, I validated his feelings and then "HE STOPPED HIMSELF FROM GOING FURTHER!"  I could see the struggle and he stopped mid sentence, his mood didn't improve but he didn't further dysregulate.  This morning he was a little better.
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« Reply #13 on: September 19, 2014, 04:52:21 PM »

Hmmm yep... .my husband doesn't want his birthday celebrated, nor does he like Christmas or Thanksgiving. It all has to do with perceived expectations and shortcomings. He has told me he doesn't feel like he deserves anything nice to be done for him, so ironically being nice makes him feel worse. He gets anxiety one way or the other.

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« Reply #14 on: September 22, 2014, 07:22:20 AM »

I've noticed from my experience that big days bring out the claws in my dBP/NPw.

No matter how much effort I put in, something is always wrong, the venue, the present, the attention I gave her.

When I tell her my non-negotiables in the relationship are Respect, Nurturing, Autonomy and Reciprocation. She tells me her non-negotiables are to be there to wrap presents for the children in the build up to Christmas instead of working, make a big fuss of her on her birthday, and treat her on our anniversary.

But it's not the flowers, birthday dinner and present that I would consider normal. It's a whole day thing, and she must be the centre of attention, and it must be perfect, HER perfect. And I must guess what HER perfect is.

 

Needless to say I dread these days because I can never measure up. Actually it's usually the night or day before, when the rage starts. She anticipates that I'm not going to measure up, and she pre-dysregulates.

Can anyone tell me why?

Moselle,

From following your story some... .I think you have gotten some good compliance (behavior change) from your wife.

Do you think that if you focused on this area... that is important to her... .that it would further improve the r/s. 

The key would be to get her to be more specific about what you are supposed to do... .so it is provable if you did it or not.

"Proving" thing is edgy with pwBPD... .so leave it up to her to discuss this... .keep redirecting her to talk about her expectations and the results... .you don't be the one to point that out... .

Just validate... .point out that you want to help... .and you want to understand how the difference showed up in expectations and behaviors... .she has to help you be better... .that kind of thing.

If she just criticizes... .gently ask... .or point out that you need help being better for next time... .

Might work... .might not... .what do you think?

Overall... I think things  are looking up for you... .  Do you agree?  Am i reading your situation correct... ?
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Moselle
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« Reply #15 on: September 22, 2014, 08:38:21 AM »

Moselle,

From following your story some... .I think you have gotten some good compliance (behavior change) from your wife.

Do you think that if you focused on this area... that is important to her... .that it would further improve the r/s. 

The key would be to get her to be more specific about what you are supposed to do... .so it is provable if you did it or not.

"Proving" thing is edgy with pwBPD... .so leave it up to her to discuss this... .keep redirecting her to talk about her expectations and the results... .you don't be the one to point that out... .

Just validate... .point out that you want to help... .and you want to understand how the difference showed up in expectations and behaviors... .she has to help you be better... .that kind of thing.

If she just criticizes... .gently ask... .or point out that you need help being better for next time... .

Might work... .might not... .what do you think?

Overall... I think things  are looking up for you... .  Do you agree?  Am i reading your situation correct... ?

Yes, there has been some behaviour change, but we had a turbulent 3 days. Could I ask for some advice?

I had three miserable days where there was a bit of a power struggle. She wanted me to fit into her life and I basically held to my boundaries and "From-To" list. This third day escalated into conflict again and I was told to leave, that the marriage was over, I would not see the kids. So I left. I really believed it was over, and I phoned my lawyer to defend my rights, or to file if she didn't. I've really had enough of these divorce threats (this was the 19th), it wreaks havoc on the children, who have got their hopes up again, and I'm working on building their self esteem. 19 divorce threats over 7 months really affects them deeply, because they hear her screaming and telling me it's over.

I left, otherwise she would have gotten violent, but 3 hours later after 50 sms's, she was saying "I'll give you one more chance, I need a hug". I went back, and had 4 lovely days with her and the children. I've got an appointment with my lawyer tomorrow, and I will draft a proposed settlement agreement. I want her to know that I don't threaten, I do.

I'm sure I did poorly, in terms of de-escalating this, but it is what it is.

She has made some changes in terms of acceptance and openness, and some behaviour changes around how she handles difficult conversations. but it seems quite tenuous.

What do you think?
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« Reply #16 on: September 22, 2014, 09:47:43 AM »



OK... .so... .when a "non" (you) starts talking divorce and lawyers... .that is huge... .I would keep that to yourself.  I'm all for you knowing your rights... .and being ready.

I'm also a bit against you have a settlement agreement or something ready to go.  It would be a bit too easy in the heat of the moment to toss it at her.

pwBPD threaten divorce... .that's what they do.  By and large they are not serious about it.

In the past 5 years... .I can't count the number of divorce threats I've gotten.  Never once have I breathed it back... .nor will I.  What I believe most pwBPD want is for the non to do the divorce... .so they can play the victim and blame.  "Can you believe he abandoned me?"

So... don't give them what they want... .

Note:  This assumes you are a stayer... .I think you still are.  Your story seems to be a general pattern of improvement... .with some horrible "spikes" of bad behavior.   

Yes... this sucks for kids.  Make sure you are the example... .don't engage in the drama.

Another piece of edgy advice... .consider carefully.  I don't like being told to leave... .and then you leaving.  That doesn't mean you have to stay and fight.

Go to a room... .put on headphones... .and do your own thing.

There are many that may disagree with me on this... .in my own r/s in the past I've stood my ground with varying degrees of success.  NEVER have I left when that was what she wanted... .NEVER.   It's a big deal for me... .but when I try to detach and honestly evaluate it... .not sure if it is best course.  Please keep that in mind as you think about what you want to do.

Also... .if you think she will be violent... .and you are the decider of if she is violent or not (your actions)... .I think you need to do some reflection on that.  Seems to me that would qualify as some FOG... .

I hate to be giving hard advice when you are sleep deprived... .and stressed... .but my concern is that you make sure that you don't contribute to making it worse. 

Hang in there... .you are doing your best... .you will keep getting better... .

 
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« Reply #17 on: September 22, 2014, 11:53:45 AM »

OK... .so... .when a "non" (you) starts talking divorce and lawyers... .that is huge... .I would keep that to yourself.  I'm all for you knowing your rights... .and being ready.

I'm also a bit against you have a settlement agreement or something ready to go.  It would be a bit too easy in the heat of the moment to toss it at her.

pwBPD threaten divorce... .that's what they do.  By and large they are not serious about it.

In the past 5 years... .I can't count the number of divorce threats I've gotten.  Never once have I breathed it back... .nor will I.  What I believe most pwBPD want is for the non to do the divorce... .so they can play the victim and blame.  "Can you believe he abandoned me?"

So... don't give them what they want... .

Note:  This assumes you are a stayer... .I think you still are.  Your story seems to be a general pattern of improvement... .with some horrible "spikes" of bad behavior.  

Yes... this sucks for kids.  Make sure you are the example... .don't engage in the drama.

Another piece of edgy advice... .consider carefully.  I don't like being told to leave... .and then you leaving.  That doesn't mean you have to stay and fight.

Go to a room... .put on headphones... .and do your own thing.

There are many that may disagree with me on this... .in my own r/s in the past I've stood my ground with varying degrees of success.  NEVER have I left when that was what she wanted... .NEVER.   It's a big deal for me... .but when I try to detach and honestly evaluate it... .not sure if it is best course.  Please keep that in mind as you think about what you want to do.

Also... .if you think she will be violent... .and you are the decider of if she is violent or not (your actions)... .I think you need to do some reflection on that.  Seems to me that would qualify as some FOG... .

I hate to be giving hard advice when you are sleep deprived... .and stressed... .but my concern is that you make sure that you don't contribute to making it worse.  

Hang in there... .you are doing your best... .you will keep getting better... .

 

Thanks formflier,

One week, and I was back in the pattern. I want to stay, but I seriously don't know if I have the strength to be a stayer. The progress made the last 6 weeks was from 1500km away.

Admittedly I played a role that precipitated the wednesday blow-up. We had a heated exchange when she refused point blank to help me with parenting in the morning (if it's not 100% her idea, she seems uninterested), then 30 minutes later, sent me an sms asking me to buy her a $200 hard disk for her, pick up the children, and run a few other errands. I hit the roof, and she apparently didn't see the irony. OK so I forgot she was mentally ill and I just wanted another adult to share the burden of parenting. You have 8, is it co-operative parenting on your side?

I've thought that I can take a week at a time, that's about it. If I had stayed longer, I feel I would have been consumed, so I'm definitely not strong enough yet personally. It feels like surgical warfare against a numerically dominant foe. Go in, strike strategically, and get out before they overwhelm you. That's what it feels like for me.

Yes there has been violence for 5 years. That is actually why I left in January. I had had enough. I have been clear that if she is violent with me again, I will serve her with divorce papers within 5 days. That's where I draw the line formflier. I saw it going that way again, which is also one of the reasons I left on wednesday night. She managed all of 2013 without violence, when she went to therapy, but in 2014 she slipped once and I separated.

3 things that went well this week.

- I took a copy of "conflict couples" with me and read the first chapter with her. She really responded well to it, and implemented some of the exercises immediately. She asked me to leave the book with her when I left this morning.

- Yesterday I said that our eldest (D13) was showing signs of poor self esteem. W pulled up a website call psychologytools.com, and we looked at self esteem for children. We called D13 in and had a frank discussion about self esteem, and expressed our love to her and said, we are creating an environment where they can feel safe, and grow as individuals. W apologised to her for any damage that she had done to her self esteem. We identified what parents can do to develop self esteem in children, and committed to doing so.

- Another thing that did go well, was the intimacy. I choose to see it as real progress, not the pull tactics of a pwBPD. :-)





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« Reply #18 on: September 22, 2014, 03:59:03 PM »

Admittedly I played a role that precipitated the wednesday blow-up. We had a heated exchange when she refused point blank to help me with parenting in the morning (if it's not 100% her idea, she seems uninterested), then 30 minutes later, sent me an sms asking me to buy her a $200 hard disk for her, pick up the children, and run a few other errands. I hit the roof, and she apparently didn't see the irony. OK so I forgot she was mentally ill and I just wanted another adult to share the burden of parenting. You have 8, is it co-operative parenting on your side?

I've thought that I can take a week at a time, that's about it. If I had stayed longer, I feel I would have been consumed, so I'm definitely not strong enough yet personally. It feels like surgical warfare against a numerically dominant foe. Go in, strike strategically, and get out before they overwhelm you. That's what it feels like for me.

Yes there has been violence for 5 years. That is actually why I left in January. I had had enough. I have been clear that if she is violent with me again, I will serve her with divorce papers within 5 days. That's where I draw the line formflier. I saw it going that way again, which is also one of the reasons I left on wednesday night. She managed all of 2013 without violence, when she went to therapy, but in 2014 she slipped once and I separated.

3 things that went well this week.

- I took a copy of "conflict couples" with me and read the first chapter with her. She really responded well to it, and implemented some of the exercises immediately. She asked me to leave the book with her when I left this morning.

- Yesterday I said that our eldest (D13) was showing signs of poor self esteem. W pulled up a website call psychologytools.com, and we looked at self esteem for children. We called D13 in and had a frank discussion about self esteem, and expressed our love to her and said, we are creating an environment where they can feel safe, and grow as individuals. W apologised to her for any damage that she had done to her self esteem. We identified what parents can do to develop self esteem in children, and committed to doing so.

- Another thing that did go well, was the intimacy. I choose to see it as real progress, not the pull tactics of a pwBPD. :-)

Good job on self-analysis. 

What can you do to get stronger... .to have the power to be a stayer?

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Moselle
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« Reply #19 on: September 23, 2014, 12:19:24 AM »

What can you do to get stronger... .to have the power to be a stayer?

Get a sense of self, with impenetrable walls.

Realise that I actually cannot do this alone. Rely on God's strength more, not mine.

Involve others. I feel isolated, and she has done a pretty good job of making this look like my fault (NPD in her).

Learn to self soothe.

Go through "The Lessons" again. I haven't for a while
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jcarter4856
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« Reply #20 on: September 24, 2014, 07:48:31 AM »

But it's not the flowers, birthday dinner and present that I would consider normal. It's a whole day thing, and she must be the centre of attention, and it must be perfect, HER perfect. And I must guess what HER perfect is.

Oh boy, you've just described my life exactly. Except mine is more extreme in that if you take a week off work to prepare the birthday and deliver dancing unicorns on the lawn, there would still be something wrong (wrong color unicorn perhaps). In addition you can feel the looming danger for weeks before the birthday arrives. Some years she goes into silent treatment mode a couple of weeks ahead due to some detail of the planning that I got wrong (or due to the fact that I had to ask for input on the plans). Of course during the ST I feel less motivated to buy her expensive gifts etc. Then on the day she is enraged at a) all the stuff from the two weeks prior plus b) the stuff I did or didn't do due to (a).

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Washisheart
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« Reply #21 on: September 25, 2014, 09:34:22 PM »

My gawd awful time of the year is between Father's Day through the end of July. He's always wanted a baby. He's sterile. He falls into the terrible depression and doesn't care who he drags down with him or how
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« Reply #22 on: September 25, 2014, 10:33:18 PM »

Holidays are horrible here too. Usually he is out there looking for a fight & if he gets one, I have to hear about how it's my fault & I.always ruin holidays. He expects me to.move mountains got his birthday, and if he is dissatisfied I am punished my next birthday.
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Mike_confused
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« Reply #23 on: September 26, 2014, 12:04:46 AM »

oh yes.   it is an entire day event or worshipping for my uBPD wife.   I am always berated and tortured in the process.   in the end, her birthday always sucks.

Christmas is agony for her because there are others competing for attention, including her severely BPD sister and NPD mother.

I haven't received a Christmas gift or birthday gift ever from her by the way.    As a result, I will treat myself occassionally.
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Moselle
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« Reply #24 on: September 26, 2014, 12:15:12 AM »

oh yes.   it is an entire day event or worshipping for my uBPD wife.   I am always berated and tortured in the process.   in the end, her birthday always sucks.

Christmas is agony for her because there are others competing for attention, including her severely BPD sister and NPD mother.

I haven't received a Christmas gift or birthday gift ever from her by the way.    As a result, I will treat myself occassionally.

Oh dear, Christmas, with the In-Laws! I feel for you on this one mike _confused. It's a dog show for me too. For many years I would take a week off and go fishing with my mates, on the week before Christmas. Her family told me I was the most selfish person on earth. I think it was very clever. Get away from them whilst they start to dysregulate, and come back just in time for Christmas day. Now I take my kids with me. I'm taking a 10 day road trip with just my kids until the 24th this year. No wife, no BPD, heaven.
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Mike_confused
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« Reply #25 on: September 26, 2014, 10:25:11 AM »

her mother and sister will not screw with me... .I have made it abundantly clear to them in plain language to keep their opinions of me to themselves.   I do take time for myself - usually most of the month of November, which none of them approve of.   Their lack of approval only encourages me more.

My BPD wife, however seems to have no ability to put the whack job mother and sister in their place, so they continually try to agitate my wife - torment even.  Consequently she lashes out at me.
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Moselle
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Every day is a gift. Live it fully


« Reply #26 on: September 26, 2014, 10:44:45 AM »

 I got the same mate. I'm not accepted here either. Better that way. If they found me to be normal, it would mean I'm part of the BPD club, and I really don't wanna. It's going to be severely strained  this year. Perhaps we can message each other through Christmas lunch and compare crazy stories.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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LilHurt420
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« Reply #27 on: September 26, 2014, 12:56:17 PM »

I don't know why they do it, but I agree.  Every holiday, special event, etc is always ruined because it's either not enough about my uBPDh or it's not good enough for him.

Last valentines day I set up the whole day around him (and this was in a time that he was raging very often).  I took the day off, got my hair/nails done, went shopping for new lingerie, got a baby sitter, spent a lot of money setting up his office as a valentines day room (got a blow up mattress, decorations, candy, toys to use, etc).  I got him 3 different cards to give to him at different times during the day.  I even showed up at his job with a basket of goodies and surprised him in the middle of the day.  When he got home that night he at first seemed appreciative, but then that quickly changed.  He got in a mood and started accusing me of stuff and was about to leave.  It wasn't until he saw me in tears after begging him to stay home with me that he changed his mind.  It still hurts to think about.

He also ruined our Christmas.  I cooked breakfast and we all woke up early to open gifts.  He woke up to watch our son open gifts and then thew away the breakfast I made.  Then proceeded to just be mean and cold the entire day.  My 5yo still remembers it to this day.  I hate it.
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