Help me please, I'm cracking up.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I used to post in "undecided" as my hope was marital therapy. My stbx said he agreed, but all the while becoming more and more NP.

He said he's coming visit  our baby this week-end with his dad... .again. I've told him many times, and he knows it, that I don't want to see his family (very unsupportive not to say destructive toward me). I told him he could come on his own, but he insists, pretending to be the victim, writing "that's cruel" (we only communicate via text messages).

I said "visit whenever you want, but no family", he said I "was free to leave the house when his dad comes"... .MY HOUSE!

When he said I was cruel, I hit the roof, I told him how can he talk about cruelty when I'm the one who suffers fiancially and morally of HIS chaos with 2 kids?

He answered "if you can't manage, I'll have baby full time."

That REALLY drove me crazy (was it on purpose?). I told him he was perverse, that he only wanted to destroy me but that he wouldn't manage it, that he could have chosen "peace and love" but refused marital therapy etc.

He answered in short to leave him alone, that he wouldn't listen to my accusations, that I was delirious and wished me luck mith my therapy.

I'm totally out of my mind (not my type though) and in panic.

I feel like I'm in a total nightmare with no escape.

My family lives far, and I'm not working.

[Indyan]

I used to post in "undecided" as my hope was marital therapy. My stbx said he agreed, but all the while becoming more and more NP.

He said he's coming visit  our baby this week-end with his dad... .again. I've told him many times, and he knows it, that I don't want to see his family (very unsupportive not to say destructive toward me). I told him he could come on his own, but he insists, pretending to be the victim, writing "that's cruel" (we only communicate via text messages).

I said "visit whenever you want, but no family", he said I "was free to leave the house when his dad comes"... .MY HOUSE!

When he said I was cruel, I hit the roof, I told him how can he talk about cruelty when I'm the one who suffers fiancially and morally of HIS chaos with 2 kids?

He answered "if you can't manage, I'll have baby full time."

That REALLY drove me crazy (was it on purpose?). I told him he was perverse, that he only wanted to destroy me but that he wouldn't manage it, that he could have chosen "peace and love" but refused marital therapy etc.

He answered in short to leave him alone, that he wouldn't listen to my accusations, that I was delirious and wished me luck mith my therapy.

I'm totally out of my mind (not my type though) and in panic.

I feel like I'm in a total nightmare with no escape.

My family lives far, and I'm not working.

[livednlearned]

Hi Indyan,

Coparenting with a BPD spouse is extremely challenging -- it's understandable that you're feeling distraught.

How old is your baby?

What is your boundary this weekend? Will you be at the home when he arrives? If he comes with his dad, will you allow them both in? If he comes alone will he be permitted to visit?

[Matt]

What is "NP"?

Do you have sole legal custody, or does he have some legal right to be with the child?

[Indyan]

Hi Indyan,

Coparenting with a BPD spouse is extremely challenging -- it's understandable that you're feeling distraught.

How old is your baby?

What is your boundary this weekend? Will you be at the home when he arrives? If he comes with his dad, will you allow them both in? If he comes alone will he be permitted to visit?

hI  Liveddlearned, my baby's 8 months today.

I told BPD that I'd be away at the week-end. I'm already planning to go to the restaurant tonight, just in case he decides to show uninvited after work.

I've just had some legal advice, and that made me feel a lot better. I was told that I'm not legally obliged to keep him informed of things I do (such as the new nanny), that I'm not obliged to accept his parents visit, that in fact the judgment that I fear would be the best protection I could get as today he'd have the right to run away with baby if he wished.

[Indyan]

What is "NP"?

Do you have sole legal custody, or does he have some legal right to be with the child?

NP = Narcissic Personality

We are not married so legally we have the same rights. But according to what I was told today, I don't "have to" leave him the baby... .and he doesn't "have to" bring him back either (!)

[Matt]

We are not married so legally we have the same rights. But according to what I was told today, I don't "have to" leave him the baby... .and he doesn't "have to" bring him back either (!)

Ah - so this is adding to your problems a lot.

You need a court order in place so it won't all be about the drama.

The court order should specify who has custody of the child when.  For example, you might have primary custody, and the father might have the child from noon Saturday to noon Sunday (just an example).  Exchanges might be done at McDonalds halfway between your homes, or somewhere else - a public place! - that is practical for both of you.  In extreme cases, a police station.

So then you will both know the schedule and you will both be obligated to go by the schedule.

The court order should also state who will pay for what.  For example, maybe you are each responsible for food and other daily costs when the child is with you, and 50/50 for medical bills.  Everything should be clear - vacation schedule, holidays, school, etc.

With a court order in place, you will have something you can count on, so there will be less chaos and less stress.

Then you can reduce your communication - e-mail only - only about the child - only occasinal issues that come up.  I now communicate with my ex about once a month, by e-mail - almost never - because everything is set and there is no reason for us to talk to each other.  I rarely see her and she does not cause problems in my life (except once in a while... .).

To get a court order in place, you can hire a lawyer, or maybe find some legal resource through the court.  Could be a paralegal - your case may not require big guns and a big legal battle.  You could probably even do it yourself, without an attorney - talk to someone at the court and they may have forms to fill out, and file them, and then there may be a hearing so the judge can decide.

The court may not give you exactly what you want - if your motion asks for specific schedules and financial arrangements - but courts want set schedules and financial structure - they don't want chaos either.  So the court is sure to work out something solid you can go by.

[livednlearned]

It's a really good idea to document everything -- I know it's hard when you have a young baby, but as much as possible, try to keep track of emails and text messages. Try to eliminate phone contact as much as possible -- anything he says or does will just become a "he-said, she-said" if your custody issues end up in court. Better to have everything documented in emails.

Does your ex have any substance abuse issues, or a history of physical abuse? If he is asking to see his child, and you deny him, he could use that against you in any future custody battle. Do you think that he is motivated to do that?

Matt is correct that having no order in place creates a lot of stress and anxiety. However, it's also good to know exactly how things work in your state to make sure you understand how the law works. You don't want to prevent him from seeing your D, only to find out that he uses that against you.

That's why I ask about what other issues he might have. If you can get a documented trail of correspondence in which he admits to having anger issues or not having interest in the child, or struggling with substance abuse, that will help you going forward.

[Matt]

Yeah - good point about knowing how things work where you live.

Where I live, if a man was trying to see his child, and he didn't have a court order saying when he should see the child, and if he was also acting out - yelling at the child or the mom - and if the mom just closed the door and locked it, she would be on solid ground legally I think.  (I'm not a lawyer, and nobody here can give you legal advice - this is just my understanding of how it works here.)

She can just say, "He was acting crazy and I was concerned for the child's safety.", and that would work out OK - she wouldn't be punished for that.

But the laws are different from place to place, and they might be interpreted differently too.  A local attorney or some other legal resource could tell you what is considered OK where you live.

[Indyan]

It's a really good idea to document everything -- I know it's hard when you have a young baby, but as much as possible, try to keep track of emails and text messages. Try to eliminate phone contact as much as possible -- anything he says or does will just become a "he-said, she-said" if your custody issues end up in court. Better to have everything documented in emails.

Does your ex have any substance abuse issues, or a history of physical abuse? If he is asking to see his child, and you deny him, he could use that against you in any future custody battle. Do you think that he is motivated to do that?

Matt is correct that having no order in place creates a lot of stress and anxiety. However, it's also good to know exactly how things work in your state to make sure you understand how the law works. You don't want to prevent him from seeing your D, only to find out that he uses that against you.

That's why I ask about what other issues he might have. If you can get a documented trail of correspondence in which he admits to having anger issues or not having interest in the child, or struggling with substance abuse, that will help you going forward.

First, he never writes anything about his "condition" or anything that could work against him.

I went today to get some legal advice (I live in France) and I was told that since we are not married, the judge won't care at all about things which are not about children, such as his threats, recording me all the time (he feels persecuted and he keeps behaving as if I'm harassing him) etc. I was told that I could ask for psychological review for both of us and his parents (since he stays there).

I'm not well tonight... .I can't believe he told me "I can have the baby full time"    :'( It means that his crazy mother (she is indeed crazy and used to beat up her kids) must have suggested looking after my son while he's at work... .

[Indyan]

Yeah - good point about knowing how things work where you live.

Where I live, if a man was trying to see his child, and he didn't have a court order saying when he should see the child, and if he was also acting out - yelling at the child or the mom - and if the mom just closed the door and locked it, she would be on solid ground legally I think.  (I'm not a lawyer, and nobody here can give you legal advice - this is just my understanding of how it works here.)

She can just say, "He was acting crazy and I was concerned for the child's safety.", and that would work out OK - she wouldn't be punished for that.

But the laws are different from place to place, and they might be interpreted differently too.  A local attorney or some other legal resource could tell you what is considered OK where you live.

Yes, that's why I was told today that I don't HAVE to show baby to him - especially if I'm concerned with his behaviour with baby, such as running away with him.

I used to trust him for a few hours, but now I can't trust him anymore, since he's mentioned taking baby full time.

The only big problem is the DOOR- since it's also HIS house. He's on the lease, and he still pays for the rent. And he has the key (although I have a set for another lock and he doesn't have those).