Looking for suggestions how to suggest uBPDw seeks help

[jcarter4856]

I'm looking for suggestions on how to coax my wife (15y) to see a therapist. Obviously "you have BPD, you need to see a therapist" isn't likely to work. Like many of you have experienced I'm sure, she is highly convinced that all her problems (in fact, all problems in general) are caused by me. So suggesting that she might have a problem or be deficient isn't likely to be well received (understatement). At this stage we are in separate bedrooms after I committed the latest transgression.

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[vortex of confusion]

I'm looking for suggestions on how to coax my wife (15y) to see a therapist. Obviously "you have BPD, you need to see a therapist" isn't likely to work. Like many of you have experienced I'm sure, she is highly convinced that all her problems (in fact, all problems in general) are caused by me. So suggesting that she might have a problem or be deficient isn't likely to be well received (understatement). At this stage we are in separate bedrooms after I committed the latest transgression.

Is there any way to approach it as "we" have a problem? Perhaps you can recommend that both of you see individual therapists to help you both work through things. Or, could you suggest couples counseling? If you had a transgression, then it might be good if you went to a therapist and suggested that she follow your lead.

I know it is difficult to admit but you have a problem too. Being with somebody with BPD traits for that long can really do a number on a person. I have been married for 16 years and have felt like I was losing every ounce of sanity that I had.

Oh, and be sure to read through the lessons. Maybe you can get some tools to help you sort things out and communicate with her better.

[dog_star]

I'm looking for suggestions on how to coax my wife (15y) to see a therapist. Obviously "you have BPD, you need to see a therapist" isn't likely to work. Like many of you have experienced I'm sure, she is highly convinced that all her problems (in fact, all problems in general) are caused by me. So suggesting that she might have a problem or be deficient isn't likely to be well received (understatement). At this stage we are in separate bedrooms after I committed the latest transgression.

I cannot offer advice here because I too am struggling with getting my wife help as well. But I can talk about my experience with my diagnosed BPD wife. We got her diagnosed because we focused on us not her alone. If I had just said that she needs to be tested this would make her feel like I was putting all of the problems at her feet. So we both under went testing, and I did show some interesting things about me as well as confirming her BPD.

I think that for us it is important that we have not just one counselor but three. One for her, one for me, and one for both of us. We tried just having one but this did not work because she felt like the T and me were conspiring against her. I am in the process of making this shift at this time. Having someone I can talk to who understands BPD is also key for me. And she needs someone she can feel save with. Of course we need the couples stuff as well.

I wish you the best of luck with your wife.

[formflier]

I'm looking for suggestions on how to coax my wife (15y) to see a therapist. Obviously "you have BPD, you need to see a therapist" isn't likely to work. Like many of you have experienced I'm sure, she is highly convinced that all her problems (in fact, all problems in general) are caused by me. So suggesting that she might have a problem or be deficient isn't likely to be well received (understatement). At this stage we are in separate bedrooms after I committed the latest transgression.

Show leadership... .go in and get evaluated... .have her come in and give her side of the story.  I would make sure this is with a PhD type Psychologist... .or Psychiatrist... .

You will have individual time with him without her present.  I would express a desire that you wish them to bring up testing/Therapy for both... .so as to properly evaluated how to heal the r/s.

Essentially this is what happened in my r/s... .I had multiple evals on me before she got seen... .

But she did go and once the "full story" was out on both of us... .real healing was able to begin... .  We both have issues we are working on... .

[jcarter4856]

Thanks for the support and suggestions folks. Unfortunately on the first attempt it didn't work out too well: I told her I thought we should both try see therapist. She says basically yeah there's loads of stuff wrong with you, go give it a try. First problem was that in our town the PhD therapists don't deal with the likes of me (all booked up, big waiting list, etc). So I picked one of the available non-PhD therapists in a the practice run by the PhD guy. Spent an hour setting out my situation to the therapist. He basically just said "This must be hard". Not really, I've spent more than 10 years thinking about it, so can rattle off the story pretty easily. Asked "What are your expectations from therapy?". Really totally useless. The moment where I hoped he might say "Jeez man it sounds like your wife needs some major help, here's how we work on getting her in here onto the couch... ." never came. Now I have the problem of how to deal with uBPDw's anger when she finds out I spent our money on a therapist. Sigh. Meanwhile, she has returned to "normal", or at least not constant raging for now. So there is nothing for a therapist to observe.

[formflier]

Thanks for the support and suggestions folks. Unfortunately on the first attempt it didn't work out too well: I told her I thought we should both try see therapist. She says basically yeah there's loads of stuff wrong with you, go give it a try. First problem was that in our town the PhD therapists don't deal with the likes of me (all booked up, big waiting list, etc). So I picked one of the available non-PhD therapists in a the practice run by the PhD guy. Spent an hour setting out my situation to the therapist. He basically just said "This must be hard". Not really, I've spent more than 10 years thinking about it, so can rattle off the story pretty easily. Asked "What are your expectations from therapy?". Really totally useless. The moment where I hoped he might say "Jeez man it sounds like your wife needs some major help, here's how we work on getting her in here onto the couch... ." never came. Now I have the problem of how to deal with uBPDw's anger when she finds out I spent our money on a therapist. Sigh. Meanwhile, she has returned to "normal", or at least not constant raging for now. So there is nothing for a therapist to observe.

I would focus on going to Therapy for you.  Eventually you need to get in front of the PhD type for a full workup... .

Again... .show leadership.  This is for the family.  Eventually she will most likely come in and you can get some data (tests) on her.  Then... .the professionals can figure out what the best course of action is to strengthen your r/s.

If she refuses to go in... ."help me understand how this helps our r/s... " 

If she says she is fine... ."how can an evaluation to help our r/s hurt you... "

Be gentle on this... .don't let it turn into a long thing.  Keep looking for chances to bring it back up... .

[jcarter4856]

I would focus on going to Therapy for you.  Eventually you need to get in front of the PhD type for a full workup... .

Again... .show leadership.  This is for the family.  Eventually she will most likely come in and you can get some data (tests) on her.  Then... .the professionals can figure out what the best course of action is to strengthen your r/s.

Thanks for the reinforcement but I don't believe this is something I have the practical ability to do. I can't spend hundreds perhaps thousands of $ on therapists until I get to the competent one who understands how to help.

[MissyM]

Thanks for the reinforcement but I don't believe this is something I have the practical ability to do. I can't spend hundreds perhaps thousands of $ on therapists until I get to the competent one who understands how to help.

I think the advice given is helpful.  If you are looking for specific therapists that deal with personality disorders, you can do research on psychology today or other sites.  Then many therapists will have a phone consult or chat for free, to evaluate if you think they will be able to help you.  I emailed with several and interviewed 3 before picking the marital DBT therapist we are using.  Because I had enough information from this site and some books, I knew what I was looking for. She has been phenomenal.  It is possible to do this, it just takes some time and effort.

[formflier]

Thanks for the reinforcement but I don't believe this is something I have the practical ability to do. I can't spend hundreds perhaps thousands of $ on therapists until I get to the competent one who understands how to help.

I think the advice given is helpful.  If you are looking for specific therapists that deal with personality disorders, you can do research on psychology today or other sites.  Then many therapists will have a phone consult or chat for free, to evaluate if you think they will be able to help you.  I emailed with several and interviewed 3 before picking the marital DBT therapist we are using.  Because I had enough information from this site and some books, I knew what I was looking for. She has been phenomenal.  It is possible to do this, it just takes some time and effort.

In your situation... .what kind of testing did you get done... .if any?

MMPI... .or those kinds of things?

[jcarter4856]

I think the advice given is helpful.  If you are looking for specific therapists that deal with personality disorders, you can do research on psychology today or other sites.  Then many therapists will have a phone consult or chat for free, to evaluate if you think they will be able to help you.  I emailed with several and interviewed 3 before picking the marital DBT therapist we are using.  Because I had enough information from this site and some books, I knew what I was looking for. She has been phenomenal.  It is possible to do this, it just takes some time and effort.

Thanks, I hadn't considered looking for a remote therapist. The ironic thing is that two of the local therapists who specialize in DBT are personal friends of ours. Obviously I can't discuss anything with them, so my pool of local potential expert helpers is even smaller.

[MissyM]

In your situation... .what kind of testing did you get done... .if any?

MMPI... .or those kinds of things?

Yes, he did testing while we were away at a treatment center together, I thought trying to deal with his addictions.  I had no idea about BPD and we were still getting nowhere when we came back but we did have a diagnosis, finally.  That is when I looked into BPD and found this board.  Once I read some of the books and did the lessons, I realized we needed someone that was a specialist in BPD.  Then I interviewed several and did the process, just as I described.  My dBPDh is still resistant to having the diagnosis but willing to use DBT for marital because it has  made a huge difference in our relationship.  Most of the sessions are more geared toward him but some is for me.

Jcarter - I think you are ahead of me because you already recognize BPD, specialized help has really made things much better.  We were already doing recovery work (me for codependency) and this has been the final piece missing.