What to do when they say, "you don't respect me"

[dog_star]

Another meltdown this morning. The causes as she sees it is: I did not kiss her goodnight last night in the right way. And the dog was trying to lay on her stuff on her side of the bed at like 2 am (we were asleep) or so. She snapped at dog. So I asked him to come and sleep on the floor on my side of the bed. She tells me this am that this is interfering with her authority with the dog. I try not to JADE and almost pull it off, one or two things slipped out before I could stop them. Anyway so she start in with I don't respect her. I feel like I can not validate this so I say nothing. Then more of the same sort of language.

What is the suggestion when pwBPD start in on something that you cannot validate. I have tried to say something like, "I am sorry you are in pain." I kinda think that I should just go out when she starts in on this line. I think I am having a hard time understanding if I need a boundary in this place becouse it feels accusatory.

Something like: when she starts telling me how I feel - step out. this always sets her up the abandonment issue (she say I am punishing her by going) but that is another topic.

So, she goes on and says that she thought I wanted to work thing out and heal our r/s. And that she is not happy with the current situation. This is an idea that I can get on-board with so I do, "I am not happy with it as well." (maybe this is JADEing because she is always saying that I just want to do nothing and am happy in the current situation. She said this today in fact) The she moves on to how hurt she is and how she has waited a day after our last r/s conversation for thing to get all better and it is not happening. WOW she sounded like she expected me to fix everything in 24 hours   

Then: "How long do I have to wait, days, a week, a month for us to heal our r/s?" At this point I try and use SET: "I am sorry you are in pain. I understand that it is frustrating. But it is going to take years to heal our r/s." I probably should not have put "years" in there but it is the T part of SET for me. Expecting it to be all better in 24 hours is just not going to fly. She indicants that she cannot wait and says she need to think about our future. Which is a threat I guess. But so over used that most of the time it does not significantly emotionally impact me any more. I say that she has a right to do that. She ends the communication.

Now she is texting me saying in part that I am sending her mixed signals. idk maybe somehow.

Please critique my communication attempt.

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[vortex of confusion]

What is the suggestion when pwBPD start in on something that you cannot validate. I have tried to say something like, "I am sorry you are in pain." I kinda think that I should just go out when she starts in on this line. I think I am having a hard time understanding if I need a boundary in this place becouse it feels accusatory.

I try to listen and look for the underlying feeling. This might not be something that is a problem for you but I have a tendency to apologize too much so I am trying to cut that out. Saying sorry is almost like it is my responsibility when it isn't. I am working on trying to phrase things better. Perhaps something like, "I can see that you are in pain." or "I can hear your frustration." instead of apologizing for her pain. Sometimes, you can try to parrot back what they have said, "I hear you saying blah, blah, blah." (but without the blah, blah, blah even though that is how I sometimes feel.)

Something like: when she starts telling me how I feel - step out. this always sets her up the abandonment issue (she say I am punishing her by going) but that is another topic.

I have a hard time with this too. Maybe you could give a specific example and some of the more experienced people can give some ideas. The other day I was having a conversation with my husband and I said something and he responded, "I bet I know how you feel. I bet you hate me." I said that it wasn't true and tried to leave it at that.

So, she goes on and says that she thought I wanted to work thing out and heal our r/s. And that she is not happy with the current situation. This is an idea that I can get on-board with so I do, "I am not happy with it as well." (maybe this is JADEing because she is always saying that I just want to do nothing and am happy in the current situation. She said this today in fact) The she moves on to how hurt she is and how she has waited a day after our last r/s conversation for thing to get all better and it is not happening. WOW she sounded like she expected me to fix everything in 24 hours   

This is really common, at least it is in my relationship. I have tried to set a boundary where we have stopped talking about the relationship. Whenever my husband goes there, I try to keep it short or I try to tell him that I really don't feel like discussing it. The less we talk about our relationship, the less crazy things get. There for a while it felt like we were discussing things every waking moment. We were talking so much that nobody had any chance to actually put things into action. Maybe you can try to set a boundary and ask her to not talk about things so much to give you time to try to put things into action. BPD seems to make them very impatient. If it isn't happening right now, then it is never going to happen and the world is going to end. At least that is how my husband acts at times.

Then: "How long do I have to wait, days, a week, a month for us to heal our r/s?" At this point I try and use SET: "I am sorry you are in pain. I understand that it is frustrating. But it is going to take years to heal our r/s." I probably should not have put "years" in there but it is the T part of SET for me. Expecting it to be all better in 24 hours is just not going to fly. She indicants that she cannot wait and says she need to think about our future. Which is a threat I guess. But so over used that most of the time it does not significantly emotionally impact me any more. I say that she has a right to do that. She ends the communication.

Is it possible to set a time frame? I know that my husband likes specifics. There is one area where I refuse to give him a time frame. On everything else, I try to be more precise. Last year, it was "Let's give things a year." Are there any concrete things that can be done in a concrete amount of time?

Now she is texting me saying in part that I am sending her mixed signals. idk maybe somehow.

You probably are sending mixed signals. It may or may not be your fault but that is irrelevant. I know that there are times when I send mixed signals because I am not giving my husband black and white answers. If the answer isn't black or white, then it seems to really confuse him. My husband will bring up the extremes. He sees me asking for a break from our physical relationship as him going to spend the rest of his life celibate. If I try to tell him that no, that is not what I am asking him to do, then I am sending mixed signals.   

[dog_star]

I try to listen and look for the underlying feeling. This might not be something that is a problem for you but I have a tendency to apologize too much so I am trying to cut that out. Saying sorry is almost like it is my responsibility when it isn't. I am working on trying to phrase things better. Perhaps something like, "I can see that you are in pain." or "I can hear your frustration." instead of apologizing for her pain. Sometimes, you can try to parrot back what they have said, "I hear you saying blah, blah, blah." (but without the blah, blah, blah even though that is how I sometimes feel.)

Great I will try that. I do apologize way to much. I am trying very hard to cut out apologizing for thing I did not do, e.g. apologizing for rudeness when in fact she was the one who was rude. But maybe I should not be apologizing for her feelings as well. I am going to try some of your wording. thx

The other day I was having a conversation with my husband and I said something and he responded, "I bet I know how you feel. I bet you hate me." I said that it wasn't true and tried to leave it at that.

Yes, but is that not invaliding their feeling. They feel hated. That is why they are saying this yes?

Of course, if I truly hated every part of her I would be long gone (at lest I like to think so), but this concept is totally alien. Probably because she see me as the perpetrator and herself as the victim. So the fact the I have stuck around proves nothing.

Maybe you can try to set a boundary and ask her to not talk about things so much to give you time to try to put things into action. BPD seems to make them very impatient. If it isn't happening right now, then it is never going to happen and the world is going to end. At least that is how my husband acts at times.

Yes, she does that as well. I could try setting a boundary here.

Is it possible to set a time frame? I know that my husband likes specifics. There is one area where I refuse to give him a time frame. On everything else, I try to be more precise. Last year, it was "Let's give things a year." Are there any concrete things that can be done in a concrete amount of time?

No, it is not possible. I was just trying to convey the enormity of the work ahead, but I think I should have left door open on the time frame. As for something concrete, I will have to think on this one.

You probably are sending mixed signals. It may or may not be your fault but that is irrelevant. I know that there are times when I send mixed signals because I am not giving my husband black and white answers. If the answer isn't black or white, then it seems to really confuse him. My husband will bring up the extremes. He sees me asking for a break from our physical relationship as him going to spend the rest of his life celibate. If I try to tell him that no, that is not what I am asking him to do, then I am sending mixed signals.  

Ya, I don't know about that one. But the physical relationship is a problem for us to. I am just not as interested most of the time any more. I think it is because it is so risky. I have gotten everything from rage to sobbing outbursts when we are physical. It is horrible having this intestine emotion dumped on you when you are in such a vulnerable place. Also, she has criticized my "skills" endlessly over the years. This is the main reason she pushed for therapy four years ago. Even though she hijacked the T process for a few years and I was totally in the FOG I am so glad that she got the T ball rolling, because that was the start of the path that lead me to the place I am in now. No matter what happens going forward I am committed to getting better and living a heather life.

Wow, this BPD thing is complex.

Thanks for taking the time to reply vortex.

[Grey Kitty]

A couple tips.

1. Generally, you have to be at your best to do good validation. If you are too sleepy, or awakened from sleep, simply refuse to have heavy conversations about your r/s. You won't do as well as you want to.

Keep those conversations to things like "The house is on fire, get out." or simple non-emotionally loaded things about getting up for a toothbrush, etc.

Try saying something like "I can't discuss this now. I'm sleepy and I'll say something I will regret if I keep talking." Then stick to it.

2. I set a boundary of ending the discussion (or shifting it) when I was told what I was feeling or thinking. Sometimes I was skillfull. Other times I shouted ":)on't ##$#%# tell me what I'm thinking."

That sort of thing is usually projection. (She feels a certain way, and cannot handle that feeling. So she projects the feeling onto you... .then attacks you because she doesn't like the feeling.) Sometimes when I was at my best, I could hear her hurt and feelings, and respond well to them. Other times I was triggered (and then pissed off) by being told what I was thinking/feeling.

You may not be as triggered by this... .but even if not, it still will not go anywhere useful. It is a good subject to end, rather than fight about, unless you can jump to the next level and validate what she is really feeling.

You will get better at figuring out when you can validate and make things better... .and when you cannot, and your best option is to disengage and stop making things worse.

[formflier]

  No matter what happens going forward I am committed to getting better and living a heather life.

Wow, this BPD thing is complex.

Hold fast to that attitude... .it will serve you well and things will change.

Understand that the power to change the r/s dynamic is 100% in your hands... .

Focus on asking questions... .reading lessons... .and then making wise choices about what to change in your r/s.