Unsure, have her leave or have her stay and deal with it?

[lost6891]

Hi everyone.

So basically; I'm working towards my PharmD with only 8 months to go; while my udBPD fiancee has already graduated with her PharmD. We got into a fight because she wants me to go back home to CA with her (where our family lives); but I want to stay in MA to finish my degree (which I believe is a wiser choice). The fight escalated last night and she threatened and acted upon trying to commit suicide (as well as being physically violent and verbally abusive); at which point I called 911. Currently, she's hospitalized and I'm trying to think of what would be the best move post-hospitalization (aside from medication compliance and therapy). She claims that she wants to go home to CA because her father is now really ill (I believe her; but I also believe it may be related to jealousy of other girls in the PharmD program; not really sure why she wants to drop everything at this point).

I've talked with her family about possible solutions and I'm considering trying to get her back home to CA and have me stay here in MA to finish my degree (either having her agree to that plan; or pretending to agree to move back and ditching). I don't want to burden her family (her mom and younger adult sister) either because of her father's currently health condition (and because he also has similar mental heath issues) but at the same time I'm on my last leg here and want no interference from her. I should have graduated with her at the same time and I'm behind because of failing a class, getting kicked out from previous internships (plural) and using almost all my LOA allowance to deal with this situation. I got kicked out of my internships because she would first get angry at me and things escalated (ie. a tantrum and in hindsight; I do realized that being compliant with her wish to stay home means that i enabled her erratic behavior) and then she would claim to want to commit suicide (which I use to think was mostly bluff; but she did come close one time and that scared me). What should I do? I'm currently doing internships and I have a new 6 week internship starting in 2 days. Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I do realized that being compliant with her wish to stay home means that i enabled her erratic behavior

You need to stop the bleeding in the relationship first!

Then you can have some productive time figuring out the long term plan.

Focus on keeping her hospitalized... .and try to discuss with the professionals there the best post hospitalization treatment plan. 

You need to suck up knowledge fast!

Very important that post hospitalization that you no longer enable.  I commend you on your insight to be able to figure that out.

So... I realize that I didn't answer your specific question... .do I move or not... .I think you need much more information before you can make a wise choice.

Last comment... ."ditching"... .and lying in a r/s is usually bad... .when BPD and abandonment fears are in a r/s... .I think it can be worse.

Keep coming back to post updates and reactions to what you learn in the lessons. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

[hope2727]

Hi

Whatever you do, regardless of her, GRADUATE!  Your life has to go on with or without her and you have to be able to support yourself. If you destroy your career and reputation then no matter what happens in the relationship you are sunk.

I deeply regret letting my uBPD fiancee take the toll on my schooling that he did. I lost marks and GPA and that resulted in non admission to my program. That is MY fault not his. I allowed him to pick fights before class and I stayed to JADE rather than go to class. I allowed him to keep me up all night with his rants before early exams. I allowed him to drag me out of town on spontaneous "holidays" during important busy school periods to "work on" our relationship. His words not mine.  Now I am back working in a job I hate with marks that are 0.4 below admission levels. MY FAULT. Admittedly I had no idea what was wrong with him but I let him demolish my boundaries. Don't you do the same.

So tell her you love her and want to build a life with her but you have to focus on school now while she focuses on herself and getting well. Then go do it. Make this last year so stellar that it makes up for all the mess in your past. Your reputation depends on it. And that reputation will follow you for life. I know you can do this. Go look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worthy and deserving of graduating top of your class. Then go kick your final years ass. I sure wish I had.

[flowerpath]

Hi, lost6891.

BPD is such a long-term issue.  Ending your PharmD program in MA to go back to CA with her will not solve all of her problems.   The suicidal threats and attempts are now about the move, but even if you were to move, there could be threats and attempts in the future about entirely different issues, and there you could be with one episode after another, and your plans of getting your degree left far behind in MA.

Be strong and stable.  Don’t let her imbalanced emotions rob your ability to finish your PharmD. 

It sounds as if her family recognizes what is going on and is willing to support you in this situation and offer a solution that can help.   I know you don’t want to burden them, but if they can help, let them help you.  You are burdened too. 

As formflier suggested to you, I found it helpful to learn as much as I could as quickly as I could from the lessons in the link he posted for you, advice of other members, and other related posts so I could respond differently and feel more in control of my own life.   

[lost6891]

Hi everyone,

       Thank you for the advice. I've decided that once she gets out from the hospital; that I won't send her off home in CA. As I said, I don't want to burden her family and I believe that we can work this out. I've also decided to set better boundaries and enforce them because I will not let my reactions to her behavior stop me from getting my PharmD (especially with only 8 months to go). I'll update and you know guys know what's happening as the months progress. Thanks!

[formflier]

Hi everyone,

       Thank you for the advice. I've decided that once she gets out from the hospital; that I won't send her off home in CA. As I said, I don't want to burden her family and I believe that we can work this out. I've also decided to set better boundaries and enforce them because I will not let my reactions to her behavior stop me from getting my PharmD (especially with only 8 months to go). I'll update and you know guys know what's happening as the months progress. Thanks!

Do not get her out of the hospital without a firm plan that she is agreeing to on a pathway to a healthier life... .!

Critical!

Make sure follow up appointments are set for therapy and checkups.

Let  professionals focus on helping her get better... .that way you can focus on following lessons... .focus on not invalidating... .but you don't have to carry the entire load.