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Author Topic: Painted black today and out  (Read 601 times)
meerkat1
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« Reply #30 on: September 23, 2014, 05:07:07 PM »

I sorry what worked?  I put up my boundary or she hurt me?

I am trying to put up boundary against her saying mean and hurtful things.  Why would I want to accept those?  That particular jan was not so bad. But where is the line. My line is don't say hurtful things. Don't be purposefully mean. If you offend me unwittingly apologize. I expect to be treated with dignity and respect.

So is the method really just to allow them to be hurtful and let it go?

I have been doing that a long time. It is not that I can't take it. I have been. I don't yell or get upset   Very rarely does she get me. It takes a lot but it does happen. I can only take south abuse. I am at my limit.
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waverider
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« Reply #31 on: September 23, 2014, 05:20:14 PM »

Jabs are probes to find weak spots. Knowing weak spots gives her a feeling of control and so will reuse them when she feels threatened or cornered.

Reacting to jabs is letting her know it is a vulnerable area. We all have vulnerable areas. It does no good at all to announce them, even in calmer times. Once they are known in a dysregulation they will be used.

If it is something that digs too deep then it needs a strong boundary where you pull the plug on interaction at that point. There needs to be no push back reaction.

Your method is to be clear in your own mind what you need a boundary about, and what you can let go.

But where is the line. My line is don't say hurtful things. Don't be purposefully mean. If you offend me unwittingly apologize. I expect to be treated with dignity and respect.

Rephrase this, it is worded as a demand not a boundary.

Demands>require her action

Boundaries>require your action

>>I will not stay and listen to hurtful things, be treated meanly or treated disrespectfully

Though this might be still a bit too high a benchmark to start with

Dont tell her how to behave show her how you respond to certain behaviors, without arguing about it
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formflier
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« Reply #32 on: September 23, 2014, 07:06:09 PM »

I sorry what worked?  I put up my boundary or she hurt me?

The jab...

Waverider covered it.

Was in a bit of a rush earlier... .read Waveriders post... .read the lessons on boundaries again... do some thinking about that... .and about how you have been trying to do boundaries...

Post your impressions... .
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meerkat1
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« Reply #33 on: September 24, 2014, 09:43:09 AM »

Here is the deal. I am not saying those things to her. I simply said I  not fighting with and walk away. I made no mention to her of my feelings or made any demands.

So this morning I am sitting in airport. Taking the jabs thru texts. I counted 6 so far in last 10 minutes. I am basically ignoring them. And in between validating her feelings of loneliness. Last thing I asked is if she felt lonely last week. That was a time she was happy. She stopped. Have not heard from her in last ten minutes. Which in her time is long.

She could not understand why it took me a long time to respond back earlier. That was when I was getting patted down by a TSa agent.

I am really having a hard time with her need for instant gratification.
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sweetheart
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Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
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« Reply #34 on: September 24, 2014, 11:12:29 AM »

Hello meerkat1,

What you have outlined in your posts is very difficult to handle emotionally. Having a sustained period of calm before an all out dysregulation is immensely stressful, you also have children involved which compounds all the stresses.

It's okay to find what your SO is doing difficult and upsetting, that is an appropriate response.

Not responding, even to a text is the only way to ensure that you stay intact.

I have some stock phrases when my dBPDh starts to unravel:-

- ' I don't feel able to talk about this now, I have to ... .' ( whatever it is, make something up)

If my husband is phoning and texting me constantly, I will text him once to say ' I am shopping or whatever and the time I will be home... .' then I do not respond to anymore attempts to contact me.

Validation doesn't work for my dBPDh when he starts to unravel, nothing does because he cannot self-soothe he needs to put his bad feelings somewhere, he just wants to rant and rant.

How I feel, I take to therapy or post and read on this forum. Get support for you and your children.

It's worth saying that because you phoned the police on your wife, as I have had to countless times when my husband has been seriously out of control, it may take her a long time to return to baseline emotionally. She will most likely struggle with feelings of shame and embarrassment that this kind of exposure brings. These feelings do not sit at all well for pwBPD.

You have managed really well to get back home, which is a good place for you to be given that you have children.

Take really good care of yourself.

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waverider
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« Reply #35 on: September 24, 2014, 06:09:49 PM »

.

I am really having a hard time with her need for instant gratification.

It may be her need but it is not your obligation. You are making it your choice to give it.


When i was bombarded by calls, (she never texts). I told her I was turning my phone off, and did. Went ballistic, but thats another extinction burst, but I kept doing it, and it stopped.

Constant texting or calling always degenerates and reinforces the behavior as acceptable
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