Having a difficult time with BPD Partner... Rages,Lies,Medication abuse

My borderline girlfriend came home from the hospital 2 weeks ago after being admitted for another episode of rage in which she became physically and verbally violent with me and became suicidal. It was a horrible episode... .one of the worst I have seen in the 5 years that we have been together. Since she came home from the hospital things have not been going well. I explained to her when she came back home that the physical violence needs to stop and I talked to her about how the verbal abuse hurts me so bad. I did this as I have done many many times before. And as many times before, it doesnt seem to be making much of a difference in her behavior. She is doing her DBT every day and also meditates daily. I give her her medications daily as ordered because she is unable to take them correctly. She tends to abuse the medication and has overdosed many times. For this reason it was suggested by her doctor that I help her with the meds and give them to her properly. I keep her medications locked up in a safe. Well last week she became agitated and demanded that I give her 5 of her anxiety pills when she is only supposed to take one every 8 hours. I refused and had Hell to pay for the rest of the night. She became very angry and physically violent by grabbing me by the neck and trying to choke me. I did defend myself and that made things even worse. She was also very verbally abusive the remainder of the night. Somehow I did manage to get an hour or two of sleep. I go to school full time and work full time and I really need sleep but its hard to get any when she is in one of those moods. Well anyway after I awakened I noticed that she was still awake and she was as high as a kite. She was beyond buzzed from her medication. Her speech was slurred and she kept nodding out. Well I opened up the lockbox and she only had 3 of her anxiety pills left. She had taken atleast 10 of the pills while I was sleeping. It turns out that while I was asleep she found my keys to the medication lockbox and opened it and took the medication. Even though I knew for a fact that she had taken the pills she denied it and lied right to my face! Well after all this happened, the next day after her buzz had worn off, I talked to her again and let her know how hurtful her behavior was. Well at first she was apologetic and all of a sudden I was her hero saving her from herself yet again but that didn't last very long and I was the bad guy again. Well earlier today I got my prescription for my (narcotic) pain medication filled (I have severe arthritis and had both knees replaced 6 months ago). Anyway, as soon as I got the medication filled she started complaining about back pain and I knew what was about to happen because the same thing happens every month when i get my medication filled. Well she repeatedly complained of back pain for a couple of hours and finally she made the comment, "I cant believe that I am hurting so bad and you arent going to offer me some pain medicine to give me some relief. If I were you I would be trying to help me." Well I explained to her as I always do that the pain medication is prescribed for me and you aren't supposed to take medication that isn't prescribed to you. I told her that even if I could give her the medication, giving it to her would mean that I would have to suffer because I would not have the medication when I needed it. As usual this didnt matter with her and she continued to harass me about giving her my medication. Things have escalated now and I have locked myself up in the spare bedroom so that I can avoid anymore confrontation. Things got so bad and she became so enraged that she has done nothing but badger me , harass me, and call me names all day. She has thrown a tantrum like a child would. She even started threatening becoming violent, saying that she is going to stab me to death when I go to sleep then laughed about it?Well that's not funny to me and I take it seriously so that's when I locked myself up in here. I don't mean to play the victim in all of this as I know that I do play a part in this somehow. I have tried using the tools that I have learned on this website about how you have to stop making things worse before they can get better and other types of conflict resolution but I am having a really hard time. I feel that I have been so disrespected and so belittled that I am starting to believe the things she says about me. I realize that she is sick and she has an illness and I really want to help her get better but it seems as though my help is sometimes making her worse, isn;t there some point to where the pwBPD has to learn to control themselves and has gto really want to get better before they will... .I mean I feel like she wants me to make her better but I cant. I want this relationship to work so badly because I love my partner very much but idk just how much I am expected to take of this abusive behavior. I mean, I love her very much but I also love myself and Im beginning to think that continuing to accept this kind of abuse from her is not loving myself. I dont know if I am strong enough to keep dealing with this. I welcome any advice even if it's not something I particularly want to hear, it may be something I need to hear! Thanks for taking the time to read this long post



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