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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Now I am the crazy one...  (Read 356 times)
lemon flower
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« on: September 22, 2014, 04:19:32 AM »

I keep on being surprised to the multiplity of clichés in which my uBPD-friend seems to fit... .

after having passed the blind adoration, followed by increasing phases of rejection and hatred, the blaming, the threatening, usually followed by moments of despair and guilt, he now seems to think that I am suffering from a serious mental illness 

so now we have arrived in a phase in which he claims to be intensely worried about MY mental health, advising me to practice mindfullness and look for a T  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), whilst shouting out how he will try to help and support me, and being less selfish about his own problems... .how nice of him

(in reality he is still as demanding and claiming as usual, but fortunately I have to deal with it only once a week, the numerous phonecalls and textings not included)

well, it's not that I claim to be perfectly normal, and as a fact I did make an appointment with a T allready, but it is hilarious and tragic at the same time how he is dealing with his own slumbering fears of being "crazy" by projecting them on me... .

I can see he is going through a proces in which he is developing a little more self-awareness, which is good, but at the same time I wonder if he will ever really develop any major insight ; he does seem to think he has "a few minor disorders" himself, but his main point is that everyone around him is much more insane than him, sigh

anyway, in the end what is kind of frustrating at the moment is me feeling totally invalidated myself, and I wonder if he will ever get to see the "real" me, if he will ever appreciate me for who I really am... .

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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2014, 06:32:32 AM »

  and I wonder if he will ever get to see the "real" me, if he will ever appreciate me for who I really am... .

Can you explain why this is important?  What would he say where you would think that he has seen the real you... .?
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Haye
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« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2014, 09:56:58 AM »

To me it seems most BPD's sometime claim us nons are the insane ones. Most do it probably to avoid looking at the mirror and see who they really are?  I've been told i'm must be BPD myself since my moods change (er, yeah, human moods are not stable) and even that BPDs usually like other BPD's most, and since he likes me, it's clear i should be diagnosed as well. I don't think he says those things to be mean or anything - they are mostly occasional observations. I usually remind him that we all have traits of diseases without actually qualifying to one.

I'm sorry to hear you feel like he doesn't know the real you. I hope you are wrong there as for most people it's vital to be seen as the persons we really and also be appriciated.
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meerkat1
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« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2014, 10:16:25 AM »

What is really interesting is that your BPD friend is showing those traits to you. My BPD wife does not show any of the traits outside of our immediate family, not even her own sister sees them. She also claims that I am ill. I am at fault for all her bad feelings.

If you are only seeing your friend once a week. I highly doubt they will ever see the real you. If you show the real you, most likely they will deny it. Meaning they will tell you that is not the real you. They want to project themselves onto you. They do not care about how you really feel or think.

Why stay friends with this person?
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this2shallpass

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« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2014, 01:10:17 PM »

Typically BPD's will try to test limits of non-BPD's, push their buttons, and even act abusively toward them in an attempt "test their love" or push them away so that what they believe about themselves becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy-in that no one loves them.

I have found that these tests actually bring out a side of non-BPD's that they never would have shown before, having experienced normal relationship reactions versus a crazy marriage with BPD husband.

Even therapists, who are trained to stay aware of how their patients are engaging them in order to maintain their individual sense of sanity can be sucked into the BPD cycle and "crazy making."

Bpd's also use a lot of projection to make you believe that their "craziness" is actually inside of you. If you start seeing a BPD individual becoming disregulated or switch suddenly-a normal reaction may be to try to figure out what YOU did to cause this. Many times it's not really something you did to cause it, or it may have been something totally small and insignificant that you did that most people would not be offended by-but the BPD is flipping out on the inside. Someway they alleviate that is projecting it on you-hence 'you are now the crazy one.' Don't fall for it.

Value your friend and value your friendship but also-value yourself. Take moments to love yourself and walk away if things get heated. Your sense of reality is fine-talk with your therapist about coping during this time.
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lemon flower
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« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2014, 07:45:43 AM »

  and I wonder if he will ever get to see the "real" me, if he will ever appreciate me for who I really am... .

Can you explain why this is important?  What would he say where you would think that he has seen the real you... .?

he always complains that he doesn't know me, that he wants to get to know me better, but obviously he doesn't filter any information out of the stories I tell him   

we have been living together 6 months when we were still a couple, and since then there hasn't passed a week that we didn't meet eachother so it's a little disappointing that he claims I am still a complete mysterie to him... .

and OK, I know he is not very empatic, and yes, he forgets lots of things, and me from my side  I am not the kind of person who keeps on repeating information again and again, but this is clearly a lack of being truly interested in someone isn't it ?

I don't really blame him for it as it is part of the syndrom but I wonder why I spent so much energy with someone who in the end doesn't seem to have the slightest clue who I am... .I could be anyone. ( a great lesson to humbleness and relativating your own ego, but still   )

(and now there's this nice bonus that he starts to think that I am suffering from some disorders myself, I can deal with that too, I know better, and I prefer to just let it pass by,

but I know he will now use this new "weapon" in arguments or when he's dysregulating and I have no idea what would be a proper reaction from my part when that happens )
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lemon flower
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« Reply #6 on: September 23, 2014, 07:59:54 AM »

What is really interesting is that your BPD friend is showing those traits to you. My BPD wife does not show any of the traits outside of our immediate family, not even her own sister sees them. She also claims that I am ill. I am at fault for all her bad feelings.

he shows them because he is having tough times, he is staying in a psychiatric clinic allready two months (a detoxication program, not specifically for pwBPD) and as he is getting more and more sober, he starts to feel the underlaying pain more intensely I guess, in the weekends he is allowed to go home, but since he has no home other than mine, he usually comes to my place, and sometimes all is fun, relaxed and quiet, but sometimes he gets triggered too much, and then things go wrong.

also, as he is now daily confrontated there with other patients, docters,... .etc I guess he is now frantically searching for answers, on the internet, in books, from the other guys there, so he must have found some symptoms in which he sort of recognises my behaviours, rather than his own... .
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