Suicide attempt patterns

[Hawk Ridge]

My ex attempted suicide just before we go together.  It was when her previous partner threatened to leave her.   She has made multiple previous attempts.  She also suffers from depression.  Because I have noticed on these boards many behavioral patterns, I am curious if anyone has noticed any patterns before attempts - ie., is it usually related to the rejection of a break up initiated by another?

Just concerned

Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Excellent topic.

I know my fiancé has attempted at least twice.  There may have been other times I am not aware of.  I think our relationship would be much healthier if she would open up to me about this, but her suicide attempts are part of her trauma.  In other words, I don't know for sure what was going on in her life during those times.

I've tried to piece things together from what she has told me.  I guess I try to get a bigger picture of when/why this happened so that I can look for the warning signs and potential triggers.  Let's put it this way - she talked about killing herself nearly every day for 6 months, and I need a way to separate the negative talk from the actual suicide ideations.  So from what I have pieced together:

I think both suicide attempts were during times of relationships ending.  I think there were other stresses going on within her and the r/s had really little to do with things, but the r/s ending was the "trigger".  I think the first attempt was sometime after her first year of college. During that time, she was a lesbian, and she has told me she got into a big physical fight with her girlfriend shortly after moving in with her.  I think it was also after she quit taking her medications cold turkey after her AA friend told her that she was not sober if she was on medication. The second time was something like 5-6 years later, and I think it accompanied a time of drug relapse and rejection from a man whom she wanted to be with.  Again, I don't know for sure, but from the timeline of her life that I have pieced together, I think drugs/medications and relationship issues were factors in both.

I also know that she has told me several times that if I leave her she will kill herself.  And one time I did break up with her (or attempted to) after a big rage.  The rage then escalated to her doing self harm activities and telling me she would kill herself. Being that I had never been around anything close to that before (never even heard anyone joke about killing him/herself before), I called the police.  That day/night was a scary, scary disaster.

[Mono No Aware]

SERIOUS TALK: NO SUCH THING AS EMPTY ATTENTION-GETTING SUICIDE THREATS. No bargaining, no bluff, simply call 911.

Last year my old neighbor called me to ask if I knew what had happened to the young guy renting my old house, living alone. Turned out his friends and family called his bluff on the suicide threats and he showed them - bang. My neighbor told me the friends and family were sitting in the front yard sobbing uncontrollably while the police cleaned up my house.

Search this forum, members here have lost their loved ones to suicide.

Anyway,

My uBPDw's attempt pattern is close to Max's:

1) after breakup - I had moved out for a little more than a month, years before I stumbled upon BPD.

2) after quitting pysch medication (from a psych who knew nothing about BPD) cold turkey.

However she also went through a pattern of threatening suicide during what I know know to be major dysregulation episodes, and I locked up all pills in the apartment. It was pretty obvious that she was trying to get a rise out of me but TAKE NO CHANCES.

[maxsterling]

I agree, take all suicide-type talk as serious. It's a tricky situation to be in, and when in that situation your head is too confused to know whether a person is serious or not.  Better err on the side of caution.

I've noticed several "levels" with my fiancé.  Most of what I heard over the past year and a half I would say is just part of her venting:  "I don't know what my boss expects me to do, work until I kill myself?"  Prior to my fiancé, I had never heard a person make statements like this, especially with this regularity (at least once per day).  It was like "kill myself" is just part of her vocabulary - like a swear word.  It's alarming, but day after day I realized this kind of language alone is probably normal for her.

Another "level" would be where the talk of killing herself seemed to be more specific related to a more real situation:  "I see no reason to live anymore, my life is worthless; I feel like killing myself."  To me, this is much more serious, because she is vocalizing a reason for wanting to kill herself.  Talk like this and I would try and not leave her alone and possibly keep sharp objects and medicines out of her view. 

On a few occasions, she did ask me to hide her medications and get knives and such out of the house.  I thought this was a good sign that she was asking me to do those things. 

With the stress she is facing now, though, I think suicide has crossed her mind, and that any bit of bad news and she may act on impulse.  But unlike before, she hasn't been making "kill myself" statements - and that worries me.   

[Indyan]

Most of what I heard over the past year and a half I would say is just part of her venting:  "I don't know what my boss expects me to do, work until I kill myself?"

My BPD bf once said during an "argument" (or what he felt was one) that "he'd jump under a train".

That totally freaked me out and I couldn't say anything.

But a few weeks later it all came out when I got angry and I told him he should see a T if he had suicidal thoughts. He said "He didn't mean it"... .

Again, c couple of months later he said "I could shot myself in the head".

Today he denies everything, says he never said such things  

[waverider]

It is always difficult as often much of what they are saying is they want to harm or punish themselves. So it is best to clarify immediately exactly what they are alluding to as sometimes they are a bit vague. If they clearly state they want to kill themselves get help, if they are bluffing that is the only way to call it.

In short clarify what their thoughts are and act promptly.

We went through a period of 30+ OD ambulance call outs in just over a year. Non of them were true suicide attempts. Even if nothing else is achieved it gets recorded on the "system' and a small step towards potential help.